Diary of a Leatherman

On Earning Leather

2011-12-27T21:57:00.003+11:00

I had the realization recently, as I discussed things with my boy over dinner one night, that I'm not sure I will ever buy myself more leather.

Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.

My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.

My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.

Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?

If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.

If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.

So my vest has incredible meaning for me.

The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.

Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.

But for me?

For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.

And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.

These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.

What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.

I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.

My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.

2011 Coming to a Close

2011-12-20T15:36:00.002+11:00

Apologies for the absence over the last few months - but life has just been... interesting, hectic, difficult. Aside from my family troubles I've had health troubles galore, and it just hasn't been a very productive time for me.

So the new year is coming up, and I must say it can't come too soon. This year has been a stressful one, to say the least.

This month marks two years since I officially collared my boy, and we are as happy as ever. Our fifth anniversary as a couple is coming up in February and I must say that my gratitude for my boy, our relationship, and the stability and love of it all knows no bounds. I am so happy to have him in my life.

So here's to the new year, and all the adventures, love, and shenanigans it may hold!

And hopefully I will be writing here more frequently again, as things are finally starting to settle for me. :)

Family matters

2011-10-05T22:22:00.002+11:00

I just got back from an interstate trip to my mother and sister's place to help sort through my father's things since he moved into a nursing home last month.

My father's currently in the ICU in Canberra. There's only a 50/50 chance he's coming back out again.

So I'm a little preoccupied right now. Sorry folks.

Larry Townsend's "Leatherman's Handbook"

2011-09-22T14:21:00.002+10:00

Hi blog! I haven't forgotten you. As I've mentioned in many previous entries, life's just been crazy. Anyway, here I am.

While I do have a lot I could talk about, it's all pretty much not-quite-formed in my head and there's a lot going on, so I thought I'd talk about my birthday, or more specifically, a birthday gift I received.

I received a copy of "Leatherman's Handbook" by Larry Townsend, the silver jubilee edition. Having now read through it like a starving person let loose on a buffet, I thought I'd blog a few of my thoughts.

The first thing I feel people should know about this book is that it isn't really a 'how to' book. I'm sure it was, back in the day, but if you're looking for instructions, this isn't the book to go to.

What this book is, is a beautiful snapshot of history and culture, wrapped up in memories that will get your cock hard.

I didn't really know what to expect from this book, I must admit. I knew that it was one of the first books of its kind and I knew that it was originally published in the early 70s, when things were very different both in Leather and for queers. Other than that, I didn't really know much about it, and I'm kind of glad of that because it means I had no expectations to either be met or let down.

It's such a rich book, with so much atmosphere. It makes me feel like a time traveller, catching glimmers of my past and my cultural history through the words on the page.

I didn't expect so much of the book to be true erotic stories of people's encounters, but I can't say that it was an unpleasant surprise. In a sense I feel like maybe it's better than a 'how to' book on that matter, because it shows you what a scene should feel like, shows you what can be accomplished in a Leather session, without getting bogged down in the details of how the mechanics should work.

What's really interesting in the book is reading the notes that the author has put in, 25 years later, about what's changed in comparison to what he had originally written. Some of these notes give a sense of scale to the book that it might not otherwise have.

While I did find some of the author's attitudes, especially towards women, queens, and nelly fags, a little bit offputting, I can chalk it up to a different culture and move on without it impacting my enjoyment of the book too much.

It's hard to write a review of this book, because it's such a personal book, if that makes sense. People will get out of it what they put into it. It's certainly, if nothing else, an incredibly important historical text for people like us. If you're a bit of a nerd like me, then it's an absolute must buy for your library. If you like hot Leather man porn, you could do a lot worse than having this on your bookshelf. If you're looking for a dry instruction manual on Leather culture and practises, however, this isn't it, and you should keep looking - perhaps consider the Leatherboy Handbook instead, which I'll write about sometime soon and you can compare.

An important piece of history that I get to keep close to me. I'm really, very glad I own this book.

Bird Cage Chastity Updates

2011-08-25T16:53:00.002+10:00

The majority of this blog's google hits are related to chastity, often specifically about the Bird Cage Chastity Device. So I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

Boy's had the bird cage for about six months now. He hasn't been wearing it that whole time, sorry to disappoint.

Some great things about the bird cage include:

* It's visual appeal. I can't stress enough how much I like the look of the bird cage, much more than ANY other chastity device I've ever seen. It's lovely to look at, both just because it is and also because it looks like a cage, which psychologically works really well.

* Comfort. In the short term (and generally in the long term, but more on that in a moment) boy says that it's very comfortable.

* Metal. It's made of metal, which I like best, certainly better than plastic or silicone. Sure it means boy can't go through airport security with it on, but seriously, he doesn't fly for his job so how often is this going to be a concern really?

* Price. The bird cage is the cheapest chastity option I've seen that fits our requirements, and so far it's the best. Sometimes things aren't better just because they cost more. In fact, the boy's CB6000 broke with less than a year's usage. The bird cage has had no such glitches.

* Pinching - or more specifically, a lack thereof. The boy's foreskin suffers no accidental pinching while he's wearing the bird cage, unlike the CB6000.

* It's much easier to get on than a lot of other chastity devices.

I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of right now.

Some of the less great things about the bird cage:

* Abrasion. Some parts of the boy's genitals do get abraded and uncomfortable if he wears it for a few weeks. Silicone lube applied after every shower certainly slows this down, but doesn't stop it completely. This isn't necessarily a horrible thing about the bird cage - it's probably for the best to have a rest from chastity devices every few weeks anyway, so this forces that. On the down side, this forces that.

* Bulk. It is a little bulkier than most other chastity devices. I don't consider this a bad thing necessarily but apparently it does make the boy feel a little self conscious in some situations.

* A regular padlock doesn't sit quite right on it, the lock isn't thin enough or long enough or something, and so it tends to sit on its side. It still locks securely, there's no problem there, it just doesn't look asymmetrical. The lock that came WITH the cage sat just fine, but we have keyed alike locks for the cage and the boy's collar for ease of unlocking, and keeping only one key on the keyring.

So there you have it. It's an exceptionally good buy, especially for its price. I like it a lot better than some of the more expensive chastity devices. It does have its flaws, however. But don't let that stop you from buying one if you're considering it. It's one of the best purchases I've ever made.

Life

2011-08-16T17:57:00.002+10:00

Sorry for the neglect, blog. I've been really sick this last month, and there's been other stressors like moving my father into a nursing home (which seems to have gone smoothly, which is good). BDSM and Leather haven't been forefront in my mind recently - not that I haven't been thinking about them, because goodness knows I always do, but I've just had other things that require more focus, and Leather has been something in the back of my mind rather than the front.

I do have some things to blog about, which hopefully I'll get to soon. But mostly I just wanted to say hi, and life is mad right now, and we'll return you to your regularly scheduled program as soon as possible.

High Protocol Leather Dinner

2011-07-19T12:40:00.004+10:00

So the HP dinner happened a couple of days ago now, and only just now am I able to begin blogging about it, as I've been quite literally on my back doped up with painkillers since I got home from it. Apparently spending nearly 12 hours in "on" mode isn't so good for people with chronic illnesses, who knew? :P

I volunteered to help in the kitchen so I arrived in the morning. I spent the next four hours peeling and chopping vegetables which I imagine sounds very boring but honestly it was the best job I could have had. I got to be helpful and free up time for others to do more important activities without straining myself in any way. I enjoy chopping and peeling vegetables, as I find it very meditative, so I don't even feel like I was working that hard. It was a pleasure to be useful before the actual dinner, and it helped calm my nerves about it all - after all, I was helping, I was present, and I was focussed. What was there to be nervous about in such a state?

My boy came with me and did general dogsbody work through the day and evening - he helped out wherever he was required. Duties that he was involved in that day were so many - helping with the spit, helping with the potatoes, valet duties, drinks service, and probably more things behind the scenes that I did not see.

I had put the pressure on my boy a little before this event - I wanted him to make me proud. And that he did. By being flexible and ready to help wherever he was needed in whatever way was needed, he made himself available for service in a way that truly, truly did me proud. I am so honoured to be Daddy to such a dedicated and caring boy, who will put his hand up for whatever is needed.

At three, which was when the dominants were to be arriving (though many arrived early), I went and got dressed. Last year my boy organized for all my friends to put money in to get me a specially tailored suit, and we finally picked it up this past week. I combined that with the tailored shirt that I got with it, and my leather vest. I must have looked fabulous, everyone complimented me - though I wonder what it says about me that people sounded so surprised that I looked so good ;)

It was the perfect debut for my suit; as many of the people involved with the dinner had put in money for it, and it was such a special occasion for me. I felt proud and humbled at the same time by it all.

I went out the back so I could enter through the front door - my theory was that all the other dominants got to come through the front door, so I wanted to as well :) In the living room we dominants gathered and chatted and it was lovely. Drinks and nibbles were served by two wonderful submissives.

I was very quiet - not just at this point but through the whole night. It wasn't shyness for once; it was that I was genuinely enjoying just listening. People had wonderful stories and thoughts to share, and as I said at one point - I enjoy hearing about people's lives. I am only 25 and haven't had a life yet. :) It was then commented, "but look at how you're starting!", and I have to agree. To be present at such an event was glorious, and especially wonderful for me as the youngest person at the table.

When the time came, we were introduced to our servers for the evening - two servers to three dominants. I was served by the wonderful Taya and Ben, who were both charming and I felt very cared for by them.

We were then seated at the table and it felt like the night truly began. We talked and joked and shared stories and it was wonderful. The food was amazing, cooked by the wonderful Ms Lyn, and it was just sensational. The service was beautiful, despite the visible nerves all the submissives worked cleanly and quickly and I was never left wanting for anything. Maid Michelle made sure our drinks continued to flow with dedication.

As our meal finished, all the submissives gathered in the dining room and a cake was brought out and placed in front of Bella.

I don't know how comfortable people involved would be for me to describe what came next in detail, so I will refrain. However, I still want to express my feelings.

To watch Bella receive her Master's cover from such a respected and experienced person, surrounded by her Leather family and community, was such an honour, I can't even express it properly with only words. I teared up as I watched, rapt with joy. As I hugged her after I managed to choke out some words - "Thank you, for being you. I look up to you so much."

It's so true and so much bigger than those words could convey - but choked up with emotion it's often hard to get across meaning like that. Bella is such a role model for me, she is so kind, gentle and extremely skilled, and her dedication to Leather, service and kindness is beyond amazing. Should I be half the person she is as I grow, I will be a great person.

To share in such an event with her was such an honour, such a pleasure. To be present was, as its word implies, a gift.

After the ceremony we all shared in the cake and some more concrete gifts - as the dinner was "Christmas in July" themed, we had a kris kringle. Just to truly top off the night for me, my kris kringle gift was a beautiful clear paddle made by maid Michelle. This was such good luck for me for so many reasons - I have been wanting a paddle for some time, but unable to afford one. I also admire Michelle's work so much, but again, cash is rather tight at the moment, so being able to own a piece of Michelle's work makes me incredibly happy.

Not long after the kris kringle, sadly I had to leave as my body was starting to hurt in a very bad way and the tiredness that I'd been keeping at bay for a few hours crept up on me all at once. Boy drove me home and from there we went straight to bed, where I stayed until this morning, essentially.

I have so many feelings about the high protocol dinner - it was so wonderful, such a bright spot in my life, and something I already know I will look back on as I grow and always smile about.

One particular pleasure for me was being the youngest person at the table - by at least ten years, I believe. It was such an honour to be in the company of my elders and to listen to their thoughts and stories. Thank you all for being so amazing and being so kind.

The kindness of Leather folk is perhaps my favourite thing about them. I believe in kindness; I believe that it's a powerful thing and it's something I strive to be as much as I can (without hurting myself of course). Kindness is what bridges gaps between us all, regardless of age, gender, race, orientation, or anything else. The kindness that filled the gaps between us all at the dinner was palpable and beautiful.

Thank you to all those at the table, for your kindness and conversation and joy.

Thank you to all those who served, for your kindness and dedication and care.

(And thank you to the pup who sat in the corner, giving us all warmth and laughter... such a contribution can't be denied either, and was certainly a wonderful addition to the dinner.)

Thank you to the host, for your kindness and generosity.

Thank you to Bella, for everything you have done for the community and everything you are, and for letting us all be a part of such a special moment for you.

Thank you, Leather community, for allowing me such an experience so early in my life, one that I will treasure for the rest of it.

Politeness towards submissives

2011-07-13T15:49:00.004+10:00

Apparently I'm feeling a bit wordy today.

I was reading a post over on Fetlife about rituals and 'an average day in a D/s household' and things, and I had a few thoughts.

First of all, a lot of people say "well it's like any household" and I know where they're coming from, because I feel like that too, but we're not really. I remember this when I have vanilla folks come to stay, and they look a little awkward when I tell the boy to do something. Tell, not ask. People do pick up on little things like that.

But anyway, that got me thinking about something else. Politeness.

I think it's interesting to watch tops/doms interacting with their bottoms/subs with a view to politeness. Some people are rough and harsh, some people are polite but firm. I think it's interesting that everyone has a different style (and good too, how boring would it be if we were all the same).

I tend to be quite polite towards my submissives. I don't feel like I am much of the time, but when I compare my behaviour to other people it's clear that I am.

Even the order-giving protocol between the boy and I show this. When I want the boy to do something and it's a direct order, I precede it with the words "would you kindly...". This is partially because I am an enormous nerd (it's a BioShock reference), but it also serves a couple of other purposes. For example, it's something I can say when in vanilla company and it comes across as a polite request rather than an order, and I do believe in being somewhat discreet in certain types of company. Secondly, it's polite and kind and gentle, and these are things that I like to consider myself, as a dominant and as a person.

When I am in D/s atmospheres (that is, ones where there is an unspoken atmosphere of all dominants having a slightly higher standing that all submissives... it's very hard to explain, but it's Advanced D/s(tm) so I think it's more of a "you know it when you see it" thing rather than something that can be shown specifically), it's in my nature to be extremely polite to submissives. Probably even more polite than I am to other dominants.

I'm not sure exactly why this is, though I have a few theories.

One theory is that in these types of contexts, submissives often *are* performing service, whether it be specifically towards me or more towards everyone - and even if they're not, it often still has an atmosphere of being *prepared* to serve. I think that service is a valuable thing and I want to show my gratitude towards submissives who serve.

Another is that if there is a palatable power imbalance, I want the submissives to know that I respect them and their personhood, regardless of power imbalances. One way I do this is with politeness.

And I think really that's what politeness is about. It's about respecting people's personhood. That's one of the biggest reasons that I believe in politeness - not just in a D/s context, but in general.

An interesting experience I had was when a submissive that belonged to a friend of mine was at dinner with my family. Their dominant was not present, and they were helping out with setting the table and things. I handed them something and asked them to put it on the table, and after they did so they came back and asked what I had said after I had asked that, because they didn't quite hear me. I shrugged and said that I had simply said "please". They were a little surprised and we had a joke together about the fact they're not accustomed to hearing "please" aimed at them.

It's something I have learned about my natural dominating style. I like to say "please" and "thank you". It doesn't make me less in control and it doesn't make my orders not orders. It's just something that I enjoy. It's a way that I can show my gratitude towards submissives who serve me.

As my Leather family and household will grow, I can see that this will become something that I will continue to do. Even should I own a slave/pet/etc, I will still say "please" and "thank you" to them, even when it accompanies orders. It's something I enjoy. It's my little way of saying "thank you for serving me" every time I give an order.

More Perfume Business

2011-07-13T14:54:00.004+10:00

So I wanted to talk a bit more about the High Protocol dinner that's happening in a few days. But I can't think of anything to say other than ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I'm a little nervous, though the nerves are starting to settle as we get closer and closer to the day (which is unusual, nerves usually get worse the closer you get, but hey, I'm not complaining).

I don't want to just not write anything though, because I've been a bit slack with this blog recently due to aforementioned family drama occupying most of my mental energy. But I love this blog. Sooo... screw you, family drama. I'm going to write about stuff.

I noticed recently that my post on marking territory with perfume was linked elsewhere on the intertubes, and I realize that I wrote in that that I would keep you updated, so I thought I might do that.

I haven't done anything on that front yet because I still haven't found the scent I want. Admittedly recently I haven't been looking very hard, but still.

I still plan to buy a scent to mark the boy with, once I find the right one. At the moment I am thinking I will investigate the Demeter Fragrance Library, as I've owned scents by them before and enjoyed their scent very much. I know everyone recommends BPAL for perfumes, but honestly I've yet to smell a BPAL scent that I actually enjoy.

I've been a little tempted by ZOMG Smells as I've smelled a couple of their scents, but I'm not sure I want to spend the money on buying a shit tonne of samples just to find the right one.

Demeter, though, I know I can buy locally, which means I can go in and sniff all the bottles like the crazed scent freak I am. Plus I can take the boy with me and make sure that whatever I pick isn't something he completely despises.

So that's about where that is. It's still on the table, but nothing new has happened, because I'm a lazy fuck.

And if you think it's weird that a masculine man might be into perfume, particularly into putting perfume on another man... then I suggest you need to wonder why straight men like it when women wear it. :P

High Protocol Dinner

2011-07-02T12:33:00.003+10:00

So I'm not sure if I even actually wrote about this - a quick browse over the last few entries didn't show it, and an anonymouse's comment on my last entry also implies that I didn't - but the local Leather community is having a high protocol dinner on July 17th.

The subject came up at MLD a few months ago while we were discussing protocols and whether that was something we wanted to explore further as a community. Everyone was very excited by the idea of a high protocol event, and a dinner was an obvious choice. So we picked a date and a host volunteered and we started organizing.

So, a high protocol dinner. What it is varies on its atmosphere. The question "is it a Leather thing" came up, and well, no, not exactly. It will be in this case because it is for us. Because we're coming at it from a position of, we enjoy Leather and high protocol, and we want a place to explore that.

But high protocol dinners are fairly common in the BDSM world, and in the vanilla world too. In the vanilla world they're for rich business men and special occasions like anniversaries, but sometimes your average person takes part too because they're fun.

In the BDSM world - and in the Leather world - it's a bit different. You're not hiring caterers and waiters, for example. That's what submissives are for. :) And there is a more... richly sexual tinge to the atmosphere. Not necessarily sexual as in, people fuck - in fact they usually don't - but sexual as in everyone is raw beneath their manners and aroused by the formality of it all.

So for our Leather dinner, we'll have 12 dominants seated at the dining table. We'll have many submissives running about behind the scenes - in the kitchen, in the parking lot (boy is going to be a valet for the first part of the evening), things like that.

The point is for us to enjoy our dominant or submissive positions as a sort of roleplay for several hours. The submissives will be serving, and the dominants will be served.

High protocol means just that - it's a very strict code of behaviour for the evening, where everyone (including dominants) have certain rules they have to obey, certain expectations about their appearance, and certain ways they have to behave.

We've all been given a manual to read up on before the day, it's around 20 pages long and includes slave positions, serving instructions, and rituals for the day.

One of the interesting things about this dinner in particular is that pre-existing couples will be split for the event. It's an opportunity to (as subs) show our excellence in service and (as doms) to receive service gratefully from someone different, who we cannot take for granted.

Another thing about this dinner is that there will be a Leather ceremony performed directly after dinner. I will write more about that after it has happened, because I'm enjoying my own private little joys about it until then. :)

So - a formal dinner, where the submissives serve the dominants and everyone is expected to be on their best behaviour, with many rituals in place. That's what this dinner is. A place for us to indulge in a bit of a fantasy for a while. :)

Personally I'm very nervous about the dinner; I come from a lower class background and still am not well acquainted with even the middle classes, let alone the upper classes, so a lot of the manners expected of me will be things I have little practise in. But I will do my best, and I'm sure it will be an excellent experience.

I'm sure I'll ramble more about the dinner sometime soon - probably after the rehearsal on Sunday.

I hope that's clear - I'm a bit muddle headed at the moment!

Busy busy busy

2011-07-01T18:17:00.002+10:00

Oh boy blog, where to even start.

There's a lot going on with me. Stuff is very complex and I'm very busy at the moment, and unfortunately my disability has decided to be a pain in the ass at the same time.

I'm behind in emails something shocking, I'm stressed and busy and blaahhh.

I want to update you on something but I'm honestly not sure what to write about. At the moment a lot of my mental energy is dealing with my vanilla family (specifically my father and his dementia) and when I do have moments to spare to think about kink and sex I just find myself a little overwhelmed with desire but completely lacking energy. It's a rough place to be in.

The rehearsal for the high protocol dinner is this sunday, so that will be interesting to go along to. And hopefully it will ease many of my nerves about the whole affair.

I've got pretty high expectations of my boy for this dinner. I don't normally have high expectations (in fact I'm often rather lenient) so it will be interesting to see how he responds to the added pressure.

The line between play and life.

2011-06-19T15:06:00.002+10:00

Today I was thinking that what I really want right now is a friend or two (or a few) who I can have come over, have tea or dinner or something, and just chat and hang about, and have my boy serve us all.

The thing is that this is surprisingly hard to figure out.

For example, said friends need to be comfortable accepting service in what is clearly a D/s way, HOWEVER, I don't want them thinking that the boy is public property and can be bossed around by anyone. I need the friends to respect him more as a waiter than as a submissive, I suppose.

But I do want it to have that D/s flavour, which means they can't be totally vanilla or kinky-but-vanilla-in-friendship-with-me.

So I'm thinking. About all the bits and bobs of this - not just who I could invite to such a thing, but also what little things I need to organize before I could do it anyway, like training the boy in certain ways and buying a few bits and pieces that I don't currently own. Also I want to organize a couple of outfits for the boy, because clothes make the man as they say. :)

Quick sexual/lifestyle frustration stream of consciousness post...

2011-06-16T15:47:00.001+10:00

I adore my boy and everything he is and everything we have. Our dynamic is very much about support and service and thriving without struggle.

But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.

One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…

Hooked Up #6

2011-06-13T07:59:00.003+10:00

Hooked Up was yesterday. My friends and I repeated our performance from last time, with big energy work and big awesomeness. I'll post pictures from it when I have them, because I am absolutely certain there will be some great ones.

It was a lovely few hours, I always feel amazing at hook events. They're like church for me. A lot of people coming together and FEELING things together, pushing themselves, caring for each other, loving... our little corner was full of people hugging, not just hello and goodbye but hugs because we wanted to, because we were a part of something and wanted to feel it physically, feel each other's touch and skin to ground us and remind us why we were there.

It was so much. It was so wonderful.

I was going to write more about it but I've just started remembering it all and it's savouring away in my mind. Perhaps I'll come back and write more about it some other time, when it's a little further away and easier to use actual words to think about the experience.

Stuff and Things

2011-06-02T16:48:00.003+10:00

There's a lot of heavy, heavy things going on with my blood family at the moment and I'm a bit (lol understatement) stressed out.

I don't really know why I'm writing this here, I suppose it's a heads up in case my updating continues to be a bit odd over the coming weeks.

I'm hoping to combat my stress with more play and fun than usual though so hopefully I'll have a lot to write about, even if it won't be very deep. :)

Receiving Service with a Smile

2011-05-23T16:57:00.002+10:00

Service is a big part of the relationship between the boy and me. I feel valued when boy performs service for me, and boy feels valued when he can provide me with service. It's a good arrangement.

However there are snags. I am disabled, and I have trouble accepting service for things I am unable to do myself. Much of the housework, for example, is something that the boy enjoys to do as service to me - but I struggle with that, because he is doing it because he has to, not because he wants to. This is of course the reason why I hired a cleaner a while back. She comes twice a month and does all the big cleaning like scrubbing the showers and mopping the floors. Her, I am paying money and so there is a clear exchange going on that makes it okay for me to accept.

But it's always been a struggle with the boy. Even though I know he enjoys serving me, I am always worried that he will resent me for "not pulling my weight".

Anyway, recently I've been finding it easier to accept things like housework as service. I'm not sure what's changed, but it's good.

The thing that makes service special is when it is received in a meaningful way. One of the struggles with how I feel about housework as service is that despite all my above-mentioned issues, I have always *wanted* to appreciate housework service in the same way that I appreciate the other ways boy serves me.

So, I am changing in the best possible way. I am finding it easier and easier to receive service with a smile.

100th Post!

2011-05-19T13:41:00.004+10:00

So this is my 100th post to this blog!

I feel like I should do something important, like make a special post or run a contest or something, but honestly I can't think of anything. So I suppose I'll just talk about my life in Leather and where I'm at at the moment. That's still a pretty decent thing to do for my 100th post, I think.

So let's talk about the boy, first. Boy and I are doing very well. Our fifth anniversary is coming up in a bit over six months and I'm already freaking out about it a little - this is the longest and most successful relationship I've ever had (admittedly not that big of a deal at my young age of 25), and it shows no signs of cracking or going downhill any time soon. We suit each other very well and are very compatible both now and in the long term. Things are really good between us.

My own journey is plodding along very nicely. I am a slow sort of person by nature, I like to think about things a lot and move slowly, and I am moving perfectly well at my own pace. I am valuing the journey very much.

I am well connected in my community to many friends and acquaintances that enrich my life and make being a part of the community as important to my Leather life as my inclination to D/s. Even though I'm very shy and I'm still struggling with that (and probably will for some time yet), I have only ever been welcomed and treated with love and care.

I am passively in the market for a slave, but I am not looking very hard yet. I am still sorting out some details in my life before I worry about actively looking.

Despite recent challenges, my life is going extremely well and I feel that Leather enriches my life and fulfils me in a very important way.

So that's my 100th post. Life is good. I am happy.

Leather Beginnings

2011-05-05T19:28:00.002+10:00

Boy does not really identify as a Leather boy. He identifies as a boy, and as *my* boy specifically, but Leather is more something that *I* am, and he just sits on the outside of.

Recently he has been considering taking the step over the line from "not Leather" to "Leather". Of course it is mostly an identity thing, but for him it also encompasses some other aspects, such as rituals and expectations and protocols and things.

We have been talking about it. It's my belief that he is ready to start the journey but fear is stopping him. I know the boy well, so I am happy to wait a little while to let the fear wash over him before we try dissolving it.

There is time. Life is not a race.

Oh, the last few weeks.

2011-05-01T01:23:00.002+10:00

Where to even begin.

The unfortunate thing is that I'm unable to go into too many details.

The short version:

* Boy, of course, with his broken arm.
* Boy had some other health issues and we've been spending a lot of time at the doctor (he is doing fine at the moment).
* A dear friend is going through a rough patch and has moved in with us for a little while.

And there's probably more that I've forgotten. Hence the radio silence, you see!

The unfortunate side effect is that I've been missing the scene terribly. Boy and I still have our daily rituals but even some of those fell aside while he has been sick.

It's been... rough.

At any rate I am starting to turn back into a human, I am off to a fetish event tomorrow to get back into the swing of things. Boy and I have been talking a lot and things are moving. Huzzuh! And thus, this blog will not continue to be so empty :)

A lot's been going on.

2011-04-12T15:17:00.001+10:00

Life's been getting in the way of me posting here. Sadly not all of it is good either.

I don't particularly feel like sharing much, but suffice to say I haven't had a lot of spare time and I'm worn out. I will blog again soon, hopefully. I do have a lot to talk about. <3

I haven't forgotten you, blog!

2011-03-29T00:15:00.002+11:00

Boy broke his arm, and I've been run off my feet looking after him for the last couple of weeks. Hence the radio silence.

Yesterday I ran a rope workshop for beginners, it was okay. I'm out of practise at teaching, so it'll take a bit before I get back into the swing of it, I think. Folks who came seemed to enjoy themselves, though - I've gotten some lovely feedback.

I'm still absolutely knackered, so I'll just leave it there for now - hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow to write a proper entry.

Busy busy busy

2011-03-21T01:25:00.003+11:00

It's been a busy week or so! I've barely had time to think let alone blog, and boy do I have a lot of thoughts that I'll slowly let trickle out of my brain in the coming weeks.

Stuff that's happened in the last week or so:

* Two play parties, Chains Feat. Newbie Night and Provocation.

* The 1st Melbourne Fetish Awards.

* Melbourne Leather Dinner.

* First meeting of a local alternative pornography production team.

* Big Talks with the boy.

and probably more.

So I have a lot going on, but I've been faaarrrrr too fucked to write about it. But I'll start doing that soon. :)

In the meantime, my 100th post is coming up soon and I feel like I should do something special, but I have no idea what. If you have a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.

New Toy!

2011-03-09T23:13:00.004+11:00

The boy's chastity device arrived today! World record speed delivery from extreme restraints. I must say that I really enjoy their service and products. Even when posting to Australia things arrive quickly.

I opened it up and had a look. It's VERY shiny. I like it a lot.

I left it out on the table for when boy got home.

He came home and I made a big deal of showing it to him. Also, I told him that he wasn't allowed to touch it.

So I left it there, occasionally stroking it. I enjoy this form of torment. This thing that the boy wants so badly is right there in front of him, but he's not allowed to have it. To make it worse, it's something most people would run away from. I laughed and told him how lucky he is, that the device isn't on him, that he's allowed to have as many orgasms as he wants at the moment... because I'm so nice, you see, that's why the chastity device is just sitting there, not being on him.

There's a few aspects to this. One, of course, the boy is very much into chastity. But the more important thing is that the bird cage is a new toy, and whenever anyone gets a new toy they want to play with it. Having it just sit there, completely within reach but forbidden, is pretty much torture for the boy. But it's fun for me!

I was going to let him try it on before bed, but only if he wanted it badly enough. After the world's WORST begging, I decided that he really doesn't want it that badly. So he's gone to bed without touching it.

I'll be taking it into my room tonight, just to make sure he doesn't get any funny ideas about touching it tomorrow morning. :P

Bird Cage Chastity Device

2011-03-05T13:51:00.003+11:00

So my plans for my anniversary gift for the boy fell through, so I moved on to another plan. A couple of days ago I ordered him a bird cage chastity device, from extreme restraints.

We already own a cb6000, but it's too small for him, and it pinches his foreskin badly. I knew this was going to happen when he bought it, and I told him so, but he insisted it would be okay. :P Let it be a lesson: Daddy is always right.

But, this time *I* am the buyer, not the boy, so I got to actually do measurements and figure things out, and I'm pretty confident that it will actually be comfortable for him to wear.

Also, the bird cage design is the only chastity device I've seen of which I actually enjoy its aesthetic appeal. Most chastity devices I find very boring to look at at best, and ugly at worst. The bird cage is attractive to look at, which is a huge plus in my book.

I find it funny that the boy is generally seen to be fairly light in regards to kink, because he is not into pain. He is into sensation and service and chastity and orgasm denial and tickling. All completely common kinks, but for some reason it gives the impression that he's not 'serious' about kink.

Don't get me wrong, I tease him about being a pansy all the time, but I think people forget that pansies are beautiful, delicate flowers that give us pleasure to have and look at.

But anyway, I think a lot of people think of us as a vanilla couple first, because they know I am soft on him in many ways - and sure, I am, in many ways, but not in all ways. I push him in many areas, I challenge him and yes, I do mean things to him. Just because they are not traditionally sadistic things doesn't make them any less awesomely mean.

Example. When I reach towards his mid section he automatically startles and tries to deflect, because surprise!tickles are a frequent occurrence. Mind fucks become easy, all I have to do is rest my hand over his ribs gently and not tickle him, it freaks him out.

Chastity, too, is an interesting one. People are all "oh yeah, chastity, whatever", but when I tell people that boy went an entire year without an orgasm their eyes go wide and it's like they've suddenly realized that you can be hardcore at anything.

You can be hardcore at anything.

But more importantly, why the fuck does it matter?

Don't get me wrong, I'm an edge player, and I love it. But I don't like that people think 'soft' fetishes somehow make people less serious players. It doesn't.

Anyway, little tangent there, sorry.

Back onto chastity. I didn't know I was into chastity until I agreed to help the boy explore his chastity fetish. And then VWHOOMP. New fetish alert. Now, I'm probably as into it as he is.

And I like it for practical reasons as well as sexy ones. Chastity is something I can do that doesn't wear me out. Chastity is something I can do even when I'm going through asexual phases. Chastity makes me feel even more secure in our relationship.

Chastity is pretty awesome. I can't wait to get the new cage onto the boy and start threatening to throw away the key, heh. (I've promised that I won't lock him up permanently... while we're in our twenties. I'll think about it again maybe when we're in our fifties. ;))

UPDATE 25/8/2011: I've written an update on the bird cage chastity device, and its pros and cons. You can find that post here: http://diaryofaleatherman.blogspot.com/2011/08/bird-cage-chastity-updates.html

Enormous Sunday!

2011-03-01T18:21:00.002+11:00

Less philosophizing, more about real life, yes?

So on Sunday I had a couple of awesome photographers come around and a bunch of models, and we set to work pulling together something of a portfolio of my ropework for my up and coming website. We did some portrait shots before we got started (and thus before I got all redfaced and sweaty) and then I set about tying folks up.

I tied up I think about seven people that day, and was thoroughly exhausted after it all. I was frustrated we didn't have the time and/or energy to keep going, actually, I had so many great ideas.

But, there will be more, which is great. Because if nothing else I need more male models (I only got around to tying up one of the two men who came around for photos).

What does make me happy is the wide variety of women I tied up, all their different body shapes and styles and personalities. I get tired of a lot of bondage photos all featuring very similar bodies and types of women. Rope is fun for everyone, and everyone should feel represented. (So on that note, if you're an awesome freak and want to get tied up and have pictures taken, contact me :P).

One thing that was interesting and fun is that tying for photos is so completely different to tying for sensation or tying for suspension. You have to be a lot more aware of loose ends and symmetry and all sorts of things. It's a really fun challenge.

A lovely woman has offered me a space with a suspension point to use for more photo shenanigans, so there will definitely be another photo day. And that makes me hella happy, because spending all day playing with rope is pretty ace.

Community vs The Personal

2011-02-23T14:55:00.005+11:00

Here in Melbourne, we are trying to pull together a cohesive Leather community. Something that has come up and we are presently discussing is protocols - should we have community wide protocols and if so, what should they be. (Because honestly the Old Guard sort of things don't suit any of us around here.)

Opinions are flying all over the place and I find myself wondering: is the time of community-wide protocols a thing of the past?

We are trying to build a system, and that's a hard thing to do. It's even harder when you're trying to build a system that may override other people's systems that they currently have in place and do not want to part with. We are all coming to the table with our own protocols, our own ways of doing things. ANY system that we install in regards to protocol is going to step on someone's personal protocols. ANY system.

In other countries where the current system has grown out of the old system, it's a little easier. It's already there, just adjusting every so often. But there has been a hole in Melbourne in regards to Leather for some years, so any old system that existed here has fallen through the cracks, and we are left to start again.

Starting again can be a good thing. But... again, I find myself back to this question: has the moment passed? Because we have no foundation to build on, will we ever find ourselves in a position where we can build a system without ruining the personal systems of others?

As our society becomes more and more individualistic, and Leather does as well, is there even a place for community-wide protocols in our world now?

This is a vibrant and tumultuous time for the Melbourne Leather community. It will be interesting not only to watch events unfold, but to be a part of them.

Punishments

2011-02-22T14:38:00.003+11:00

With some little rules the boy has, I don't feel like punishing every single time he breaks them would be productive. So we have a three strike system, for things like being in bed on time or starting to eat before I do.

He had his three strikes with the bed time rule recently, so he got ten strikes with the cane.

Normally I am against using play equipment for punishment within D/s relationships - after all, that stuff is the stuff we use for fun, it shouldn't be used as punishment, or it confuses everyone and can lead to breaking rules just for punishing.

But the thing is, that the boy is not a pain slut, and the boy does not like the cane already. So I don't feel that it's confusing to use the cane to punish him.

I tell you what though, it's hard to punish sometimes. Every stroke of the cane felt like I was thwacking my own heart. I am terribly soft hearted about the boy, I love him dearly and I don't like seeing him in pain or punished. Especially because he works so very hard to be the best boy he can be. So punishments for him end up being tests of my endurance as much as his.

Afterwards we had a cuddle and he sniffled that he doesn't like being punished, which REALLY DID NOT HELP MY BLEEDING HEART. But I then felt better we he continued, "made me hard though". :P

Pervnerds

2011-02-19T16:39:00.002+11:00

In stark contrast to my recent entry, I've been shaking my head a little (in the good way!) at BDSM clubs and the BDSM scene.

You see, a lot of people think BDSM clubs are scary, intimidating places. I suppose there's good reason for that - I mean people do go there to get beaten up or to beat up others, and that's pretty intense for our lizard brains to handle, even if it is something we're interested in ourselves.

But you see... perverts are all huge nerds.

This is true. Absolute truth. Trufax.

We laugh and heckle each other's beatings with cries of "sorry, I didn't see that, could you do that again?". We do tickle torture scenes. We have people come in costumes that would be just as much at home at a geek convention (last month's Kinky best dressed prize went to a dark stormtrooper).

And, like I took part in last night, we occasionally spend an hour squealing memes at each other across the club.

Nothing quite like a bunch of perverts in a hardcore serious business BDSM club reciting lines from Charlie the Unicorn loudly.

The Burden of Leather

2011-02-17T13:36:00.003+11:00

Last night's Melbourne Leather Dinner was very good, lots of good discussion.

There was some heavy discussion, particularly about HIV and the current soaring rates among young women, and about how my age group was not alive during the AIDS crisis and did not go through the heart wrenching days of funeral after funeral while the world just shrugged and was glad your people were dying. We talked about how the drag queens and the Leather community were the ones to look after those with HIV and AIDS, nursing them and caring for them when no one else would - about how that sort of thing was the burden of Leather. Caring for our people and looking out for them, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, is the burden of Leather.

A lot of the discussion was about how we don't want to push that burden onto people much anymore, as we want to bring new blood into Leather and we want to show people that it's here without scaring them off.

I was thinking about many of the young people I know, myself and my friends, and my friends of friends.

We weren't there for the AIDS crisis, but a lot of us know what it did, know what it meant. A lot of us are heavily invested in our history, we research our past and we listen to those that came before us. Yes, there are certainly (probably a majority of) young people who don't give a toss about the past, and those are the ones at the most risk. But there are a lot of us who are serious about remembering the mistakes of the past, and not repeating them. There are those of us who also turn our attention to the problems of today, without losing sight of what came before.

But I guess I want to reassure you, if you're older, that there are young people who care, we exist.

There are young people who don't mind the burden.

I am quite lucky (or perhaps just discerning) in that most of my friends are actively involved in caring for one another and trying to improve the world. We do everything we can.

Some things me and my young folk have been doing over the last year or two:

* Easing homelessness where we can by setting up new sharehouses and giving folks a couch or a spare room when they have nowhere to go.
* Setting up new social groups so people feel less isolated.
* Lobbying for changes in legislation.
* Helping each other move house, often out of toxic situations.
* Gentle, loving care to victims of hate crimes.
* Slowly reconfiguring what consent means and what we can do to make consent more meaningful and cut down on sexual assault and harassment.
* Choosing careers in nursing and aged care so that we can look after our own when no one else wants to.
* Choosing careers in law and medicine so that there are people with power who are sympathetic to our needs.
* Organized fundraisers for a variety of causes, all causes that no "respectable" organization wants to touch.

These are a small example of the things young people today are doing. All of these examples are coming from people I know, not just people I've heard about.

I know that the majority of young people aren't like this. Sure.

But I just want to promise you that there are young people who are willing, able, prepared to, and are already carrying the burden.

I just want to promise and reassure you that I, as a young person, am willing, able, prepared to, and am already carrying the burden. I have no plans to stop any time soon, and I doubt those I know do either. One day I won't be a young person anymore, but I'll still be happy to carry the burden.

We are your next generation, and we know that. There are those of us who are willing to not only live up to what you've left before us, but we will strive to improve the world even further.

MAsT and Communities and Events

2011-02-11T14:53:00.006+11:00

MAsT is coming to Melbourne! I am so dreadfully excited. I've often read about MAsT on Fetlife and was rather sad there wasn't a Melbourne chapter. Fortunately, Master Joe and kim will be setting up one here, after coming back from their trip to the USA and chatting with the MAsT people.

I'm really pleased about this news. There's some discussion on Fetlife about whether this is something that Melbourne needs... really now, I don't think needs are what we should always look at when it comes to communities. We should look at wants. We should look at "what can we do to make it better"s. And I think that MAsT will be an asset to our community.

There seems to be a scarcity model of thinking by a lot of kinksters in Melbourne - we can't have too many events, or no one will go to any. We can't have too many groups, because there will be too much cross pollination. But I think that's ridiculous. I'm very much an abundance-model thinker, and I think that if you build it, they will come. So what if there's some overlap of memberships? That doesn't stop different groups performing their different duties, just with the same people.

We now have a club event on every weekend of every month in Melbourne. The scene is not dying. It is thriving. The only way I can think to make it better at this point is that if more clubs start up, they should have a focus - ie, women only events, young people's events, rubber events, etc.

Who knows, maybe I'll even start up that transgender/genderqueer/intersex BDSM night again.

Covers

2011-02-08T14:14:00.003+11:00

I've been thinking about covers a lot over the last few months. Even more so now that they've been buzzing about as both a topic and in a material sense in my local scene. First a few basics so you know what I'm talking about when I get to my actual thoughts.

A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.

Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.

So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.

In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.

Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.

As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.

I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.

Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.

I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.

It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.

A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.

I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.

Anniversaries & Sex & Tumblrs

2011-02-05T13:57:00.004+11:00

Yesterday was my fourth anniversary with the boy, which makes this officially the longest relationship either of us has had. Probably doesn't sound like that long, but I am only 25 and boy is only 26, so the ratio of relationship to life lived is pretty good, I think. :)

I have pretty poor luck with anniversaries; it started with my first relationship, where my first anniversary ever was spent in tears as my boyfriend dumped me on that day (poor timing on his part, much?). Since then all kinds of disasters have occurred on anniversaries. But I keep celebrating them stubbornly.

Yesterday wasn't much of an exception; first I forgot my ID, which you kind of need in casinos. Then later in the evening, we got evacuated from Crown cinemas and didn't get to see our trashy gay ass film because there was flood damage!! Flash floods in Melbourne were determined to make a farce of our anniversary. But that's okay. Farces do tend to be funny after all :)

The two really good bits of our anniversary was first, the sushi train we went to (which has now lead to boy calling me Sushi Cat, because I am blue (true) and fat (true) and defy physics (less true). Secondly, the great sex we had before bed. Which was good, because we haven't had a lot of time or energy for sex recently. Something we should probably both work on.

Sex is a tricky issue - in the last few years I've been discovering that I can feel completely fulfilled without sex. Which is actually kind of a problem because it lowers the priority of sex in my life, and that's not what I want to happen. But, I have plans in place for improving my sex drive and finding the time to spend plenty of sexytime with the boy in the coming months.

Finally, just a quick note about tumblr (a service that really needs to buy a vowel) - I've started a tumblr to act as a sort of portfolio for my ropework. If you're interested it's over here: ropebyerinkyan.tumblr.com/

What Makes A Good Follower?

2011-01-27T14:10:00.004+11:00

Another blog post inspired by a conversation with the boy.

There's a lot of literature out there about leadership and how to be a good leader; but frustratingly for the boy, there is not much (if anything) out there about how to be a good follower. Most good stuff out there on being a good follower is actually already about BDSM; there is a large and wordy focus on submissives in BDSM and Leather (and Gor, and FemDom, and all those other related subcultures) about what it means to be submissive and what it means to be a good submissive.

But in broader strokes, what makes a good follower? Well as a leadery sort of person, here are some of my thoughts:

* Observation and attention.

* Listening skills. Being a good listener is vital to following instructions and interpreting them correctly. Being a good listener is not just hearing the words; but also taking the time to register them and all the circumstances surrounding them. To think about what is heard as much as hearing it.

* Good feedback skills. The ability to acknowledge instructions or criticism in a meaningful way, and make it clear to the leader that they were heard. Nothing worse than a snipped "yep" in response to an instruction, and nothing worse than "it's fine" in response to "what do you think of...".

* There's a phrase we have in Leather, "anticipatory service". It means knowing what your top wants before they know they want it. It's getting their favourite drink into their hand and lighting their cigarette without them even noticing that you're there, let alone asking for anything. While I don't think anticipatory service (or any related vanilla concept) is *necessary* for being a good follower, it sure is impressive.

* Being able to work without micro management. Not that micromanagement is a bad thing, but I think being able to work well without it makes an excellent follower.

* Going above and beyond the call of duty, without treading into territory that isn't theirs to tread into.

* Enthusiasm.

* Being able to be honest about their skills and competence. I would rather someone tell me they are unable to do something, or even do something well, than to attempt and fail with no communication on the issue. Likewise, they need to know themselves well enough to know this sort of thing in the first place.

* Good self-knowledge and self-awareness, though honestly I think those are the sorts of things that are good for everyone to have.

* Being observant and attentive! (Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but I think these two things are the most important things, in my humble opinion.)

I'm sure there's plenty more and this is probably something I will revisit at some point, but that's all I got for now. :)

What Do I Bring to the Table?

2011-01-23T20:30:00.004+11:00

Boy recently wrote a very good blog entry about what he brings to the relationship. It was spawned due to a discussion that we were having about leadership and followership and what is valuable in a follower, and that sort of thing.

So I thought I'd do a companion post, and have a think about what I can (and do) offer those in my care. What do I bring to the relationship as a dominant?

(A quick note - this is not the time for humility, that would defeat the purpose of this exercise, so please bear with me as I put on my arrogance hat for a few minutes.)

* I'm very laid back and very flexible. This can be a flaw in a dominant, admittedly, but it can also be a strength. I am good at working with what I am given. I am good at adjusting things when they could be improved.

* I'm a very good cook and I enjoy cooking for people. It is one of my favourite ways to nurture and comfort people.

* I'm very good at organizing if given the chance, and given control of someone's schedule I will make them so damn efficient (and still include time for rest and recreation) they won't know what hit them. Similarly, I can organize for any fantasy someone wants to live out. I know how to translate fantasy to reality.

* I have a wide array of BDSM skills, some of which I am considered an expert in.

* I am a nerd for psychology and self development and thus am an excellent life coach. I am very good at coaxing introspection rather than projecting.

* I have good connections and basis in the BDSM and Leather communities (as well as the queer community and trans community(ies)). I love my communities and consider them an important part of my life; and thus try to contribute to them as much as I can. Involvement with me is almost automatically involvement in my communities.

* I'm a very caring and determined person; and thus, when I decide that I am in on something, when I make a promise, when I decide to invest my attention in a person or activity, I do it with my entire being.

* I am not judgemental; pretty much about anything. I find it very easy to accept things and move on if they are not to my taste or desire.

* I constantly strive to be a better person, to improve myself.

That's all I can think of at the moment. But it's a good start and a good exercise to do.

I wrote this entry over a couple of days, so I've pretty much run out of steam at this point. But this is an interesting idea and one I feel pretty confident that I will revisit in future posts.

Book Review: Manual Creation

2011-01-20T23:42:00.004+11:00

I haven't had a lot to say the last little while, as you may have noticed. But I did recently buy a book, and it occurred to me that I could blog about that.

I might review a few books in future; I buy a lot of books. I enjoy owning books (and the sorts of books I want to read I can't find in the library anyway), I enjoy being able to lend books to friends, and I enjoy reading books. I dream of having a little library of alt sex books to be able to lend to friends as I feel so inclined. Non-fiction is where my interests lie at present, and probably will for a while to come. Fiction doesn't really hold my interest these days.

Anyway, onto the book.

Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household is a book by Machele Kindle, aka Master Fire. It looks at M/s household manuals, yes, but also contracts and to a lesser degree, protocols and rituals. Its form is very similar to that of a educational textbook, with each chapter beginning with theory, followed by an exercise, and completed with an example.

The first thing I noticed about the book is that it is very casual in tone, which is fantastic because the subject matter could easily be boring and difficult to read. Machele's authorial tone is light hearted and friendly, which makes the book easy reading. It very much feels like having a conversation.

There is a heavy emphasis on introspection, which I thought was wonderful. Rather than trying to tell you how to do things, the author gently coaxes you into finding out how you want to do things yourself. This is excellent teaching and guidance.

Some parts of the book I found repetitive, but your mileage may vary on that one. It may be that what I find repetitive, you find simply a reinforcement.

My one big problem with the book is that while Machele never hides the fact her spirituality is an important part of this lifestyle for her, she was clearly trying to write this book for the everyperson... and fails, a little, there, as I felt that the constant discussion of spiritual matters made me feel a bit like I was being preached at. But, I am also a spiritual person, albeit differently from the author, and honestly I can only imagine how infuriating an atheist might find some parts of this book. The spiritual aspects - particularly the author's spiritual aspects - need to be cut down a little in this book for it to be easier for people to consume, I feel.

Normally I buy my books from The Book Depository, as their prices are good and they have free delivery worldwide (which is a big deal, when you live in Australia). However, I couldn't find the book there, so I had to order it from Amazon.com, which once you include shipping, doubled the price for me.

I do feel that it's a good book, and one I'm happy to have on my bookshelf... but I don't know that I'd necessarily recommend it to others to buy. To borrow? Absolutely. It is definitely worth a read if you are in or are considering M/s relationships. Perhaps if you live in the USA and getting it isn't much of a hassle, then it's probably worth the investment. But for those of us for whom shipping costs are a problem, I wouldn't encourage people to rush to get it. Focus on other books in a similar vein first.

Bad Puppy

2011-01-18T16:02:00.003+11:00

Something I've discovered in the last few days...

You know that "ahhh!" Bad Dog noise you make when you catch your dog doing something naughty? Then the dog gets that guilty expression and seems to shrink in size?

Mine works on people. :)

New little rituals.

2011-01-08T17:00:00.004+11:00

Okay, one new little ritual. I recently introduced a new rule/protocol for the boy. Whenever we eat together now, whether it's at home or not, he's not allowed to start eating until I either:

* Pick up my utensil with the intent to eat.
* Pick up the food with the intent to eat.
* Tell him he can start.

I never used to be into this type of protocol, but all of a sudden, I'm all about it. Isn't it funny how tastes change over time. A bit like food really. I hated avocado once, too, but recently I eat it on everything.

This habit of things shifting as our tastes change is very healthy, I feel. Relationships should be fun and improve the happiness of the people in them.

A quick guide to flagging.

2011-01-04T14:16:00.004+11:00

This blog gets a lot of search hits for things like "hanky code" and "flagging hunter green" and things like that, so for those of you stumbling across this in your search for flagging information, here is a short, quick guide to flagging.

First, a disclaimer, flagging does change from region to region and subculture to subculture (flagging in queer circles is different from flagging in Leather circles, and that's different from flagging in mainstream gay circles, etc). So just be careful of that. My knowledge is all from Australian flagging, and the closest thing we have to global Leather flagging (thanks to the internet!).

Flagging can be done with hankies (or bandannas), keys, chains, leather straps, cuffs, or ribbons. You can also use other things, of course, but the chances of it being recognized as a flag is lower than it is for these items.

To flag as a top, the item goes on your left. To flag as a bottom, the item goes on your right. To flag as a switch, the item goes in the middle.

There's also the issue of flagging via your neck - in some cases, this simply means switch, but in other cases it means hardcore. You can still flag left or right if you tie a hanky around your neck - the knot goes on the side that you're flagging. In short, be cautious when flagging with your neck.

Some other notes about flagging, before we get to colours:

If you're flagging with keys, some people take keys out to mean "available" and keys tucked into your pocket to mean "unavailable".

You can also flag switch by wearing two of whatever, one on each side. This is most commonly seen with cuffs or leather straps.

Be aware of the culture you're flagging in. You can probably flag whatever and however you like at a queer event, but if you're going to a Leather event make sure your hankies are clean and ironed, and that you're not flagging too many (maximum of two).

Now, about colours.

There are a million lists on the internet about hanky code colours (here are a couple: [link one] and [link two]) so I'm not going to list them all.

Now, some are more common than others. By all means flag whatever you like, but be aware that if it's an obscure one, then people may not know what you're flagging. Not everyone has the entire list memorized, for good reason :) Also the need to know the whole list is unnecessary; you generally only have to know the ones you're into.

Now let's talk about where to get items to flag with.

Most of the things I mentioned are easy to get (like ribbons and chains) or you already have (like your keys). Actual hankies, well, you can get them wherever you like too. I can't speak for other countries but here in Australia there's a certain type of bandanna that is the most common form of colour hanky flagging.

You can get bandannas specifically for flagging from most Leather & BDSM stores here in Australia. Here in Melbourne, mine came from Mannhaus, and I have also seen them at Eagle Leather and Lucrezia De Sade.

On a final note, I've already mentioned different cultures around flagging. Again, I can't speak for anywhere but here, but in the Leather culture here, it is common for hankies to be earned like leathers. They are often given as a gift for actually doing the thing that it flags, and doing it well. Your mileage may vary.

So that's that - I know that's a lot of information, but no one can claim that my introductions aren't thorough. :)

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T15:16:00.002+11:00

Welcome to 2011! I have really good feelings about this year, I think it's going to be a good one.

My new years resolution is to stress less. The last - well, the last four or five years have been pretty stressful for me, so this year I'm focussing on caring for myself, having fun, and generally improving my health via stress relief (after all, stress is one of the big killers).

I used to be very against new years resolutions, saying that people shouldn't only want to change once a year, and blah blah, you've heard all those arguments before I'm sure. But then I came to realize that a) new years resolutions are a ritual, and rituals are important, b) resolving to change something at new years doesn't mean you won't also change things at other points in the year and c) why not resolve to change something you want to change at new years?

Anyway!

Boy completed his year of orgasm denial, and we slipped away a minute or two after midnight for his release. It was apparently worth the wait. :)

The adventure of orgasm denial and chastity was not one I expected. I had no interest in it at first, but it was a big kink of the boy's, so I indulged. Starting out slow, I soon came to learn that I'm actually quite into it. The year of orgasm denial showed me that this is now my kink, as well.

Last night I read through the entirety of my blog, and I realized that I wanted to update you all on the situation discussed in this entry.

The person we helped remove from a toxic situation? Is now not only in a happy, healthy position themselves, but is now set up to begin actively contributing to the community. Without going into detail, I can honestly say they're going to be tremendous help to the community and give a lot to us as a whole. I am so very, very pleased. About all of that.

And finally for this first entry of the new year, on January 1 I received a well written, polite, and charming message in my fetlife inbox from someone seeking to be the best slave they can be. What an amazing start to the new year.

Happy new years, everyone. I hope 2011 shapes up to be your best yet. :)

Last post for 2010

2010-12-31T15:50:00.004+11:00

I wanted to get in a quick entry before the new year.

First, life blog housekeeping - Princess broke up with me. A week or two ago now (can't really remember). I'm doing fine, I had a lovely time seeing her over these last few months and I wish her all the best for the future.

In other news, tomorrow (well, more like in 8 hours or so, when 2011 begins) the boy will finally be released from his year of orgasm denial. He's been a very good boy and has had no orgasms throughout 2010. Finally, he can claim to be hardcore in one area of kink ;)

Finally, I will be ringing in the new year with a house party at mine, where we will have a spa, lube wrestling, and kinky goodness. And of course, I'll be spending it with people I adore, my chosen family, and my urban family.

A quick note

2010-12-23T02:30:00.001+11:00

Dear the person who found my blog by googling "i didnt know i was intersex". You are welcome to drop me an email at not.in.denial@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. :)

Thoughts, Mostly about Hooked Up

2010-12-15T16:17:00.006+11:00

Forgive a blathery sort of entry, I feel the need to think into text, but have little idea about the actual direction I'm heading.

My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.

I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.

It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.

I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.

I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.

Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.

So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.

Oh, where to begin.

When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.

No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.

It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.

But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.

When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.

At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.

And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.

There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.

And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).

I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".

Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.

Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.

And I was so terribly, terribly happy.

I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.

But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.

And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.

When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.

One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.

Chronic stuff

2010-12-11T13:49:00.003+11:00

Sorry I've been kind of absent. Despite having a lot to talk about, I've been physically very worn down and in a lot of pain recently. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I am disabled with chronic illnesses, well, they've been getting the best of me these last couple of weeks. Hopefully I will pick up soon. :)

One Year Later

2010-12-06T14:10:00.002+11:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my collaring the boy.

It doesn't feel like it! It feels like perhaps a few months have passed. This last year has just flown by.

I'm very happy with my boy. We've had very few problems, and the ones we've had have all been minor and easily solved with some simple communication and brainstorming.

We have a couple of rituals, but not many - it turns out that we're not as high protocol as we think we are. But the little rituals we do have are very cherished.

We've been together almost four years now, and officially D/s for one of those years. It sometimes feels like a dream in how easy it all is. We are so well matched for each other.

There's a joke in the D/s scene that 1 D/s year is equal to 3 vanilla years in relationships. I think there is something to that, because I feel that D/s relationships probably burn a little hotter than vanilla ones (thus, problems will appear sooner, be bigger deals). Intensity is a wonderful thing but too much of it cuts things short very quickly.

Boy and I do not have a particularly intense relationship. That might sound like a criticism at first, but it's truly not - it's actually wonderful. We are relaxed and happy in our relationship. We love each other dearly, and I feel that we don't take each other for granted at all. We spread the intensity over each moment of the day.

I feel like my D/s relationship with my boy is only just getting started. I think we have many more happy years ahead of us, where we will both grow and learn and enjoy each other as much as we have done this past year - or indeed, this last four years.

And I can't wait for the adventure to continue.

Chores

2010-12-02T14:26:00.004+11:00

I have made a decision. And more interestingly, I've made a decision that affects the boy without consulting him about it.

First, the decision - I've decided I'm going to hire a cleaner. Once a fortnight, perhaps once a week if I can afford it.

The reason is that while the boy is happy to do most of the chores around the house, it's clear that it's just that little bit too much for him to handle. It's making him cranky and eating all his spare time. And while he's got a handle on the stuff that he has no wriggle room for - his daily chores - the stuff that just need doing every so often isn't working out so well, even though we're sort of trying a system. It's clear that it's becoming a problem.

This is something boy and I talked about when we were in the process of moving in together. Being disabled, I can't do many chores, and I was hesitant to ask him to keep the house clean as his entire responsibility. This is because I was worried that he might come to resent it. He hasn't come to resent it, and he very much enjoys serving me... but all the cleaning is eating into his spare time, and it is eating into time he could be spending on improving his life, or at the very least, time he could be spending giving attention to me. :P

So while I know the boy doesn't mind doing all the chores himself, I'm no longer okay with it. I stress about it a lot, worry that he's going to start resenting me any second now, worry that he's pushing himself too hard, worry about everything. So I've decided to hire a cleaner.

It's a perfect solution, because it doesn't remove his daily chores, but it does ease up on all the other bits and pieces that stress me out and make his life harder.

Now normally, when you make a decision that affects someone, you talk to them about it. But I haven't mentioned this to boy yet. Partially because this was a decision I literally made overnight, and I haven't seen him yet since making it. (I will, of course, talk to him about it when he gets home from work.)

But the big reason is because this is non-negotiable, as far as I'm concerned. Him doing all the chores is upsetting me, and it's something that's easily fixed. I'm not going to ask him to put money towards it (though he is allowed to), and as I said, it doesn't affect his daily routines.

But it's something that has to happen, for me to be happy. So I could discuss it with him first, but the outcome is going to be the same. So I've just cut out the middle part and made the decision. We'll still talk about it, but unless he has some extremely impressive reason against it, it's going to happen.

Also, as his Daddy, and as head of this house... this exactly the kind of thing that I have the authority to make decisions about.

And you know, if for some strange reason this is a problem and we have a fight... well, we get to flex our conflict resolution skills, and I'll have something else to write about. :)

What a weekend.

2010-11-30T14:56:00.004+11:00

Where to even begin?

I was doing demonstrations at the Kinky Fetish Demonstration stall at Sexpo all day on Friday and Saturday - I was supposed to go back on Sunday but I pulled a muscle and couldn't do so. It was fantastic - it was basically just like a long play party, I got to hang out with people I adore and do lots of fun things. It was just so much fun.

It made me realize that while I have very little showmanship, I do enjoy having people view my work and watch me do things. There's a line between "performance" and "demonstration" and I definitely fall on the demonstration side - but I still feel greatly energized by an audience and I enjoy having them there. A little nervous too, but in a good way - that kind of nervous you get when you know you're doing something awesome, and that people are enjoying you in return.

Sunday was Hooked Up, a hook suspension event. I was honoured to be a part of a spiritual pull, the ground for some energy work and the rigger for the rope suspension side of the pull. I rigged a lovely woman to a pulley system, and then our minotaur for the hour, with hooks through his back, pulled her up into the air. It was a very beautiful thing that I was just so pleased to be a part of.

Hook suspension events are the closest thing I have to a church, I think. The energy and the emotion that flies around at those things is so intense, it's incredible. I feel connected to everything and everyone at them, a truly spiritual experience just by sharing a space with so many brilliant people pushing themselves to the edge. Just wonderful.

I feel like I should have more to say about my weekend considering how intense and huge it was, but that's all the basics, and it's pretty difficult to put feelings into words when that's all they are and they're not anchored to much else. This weekend was fantastic, and it's everything I want and love my life to be.

Huge week/weekend

2010-11-25T13:42:00.002+11:00

Busy time for me, these coming days!

I'm going to be doing demonstrations at Sexpo on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday I'm also going to Hooked Up and helping with what is going to be a really amazing pull/suspension.

I'm sure I'll have things to report once it's all over, assuming I'm not dead from exhaustion :)

Leatherfolk are Awesome.

2010-11-18T13:42:00.002+11:00

Not much has been happening, really, which is why the blog's been somewhat quiet. Last night the boy and I attended the monthly Melbourne Leather Dinner. It had a slightly different format to usual, with people socializing over food and then there was a short presentation from a Leatherboy about what being a Leatherboy means to him. It was a good change in format, and it was a good presentation with some good discussion. An excellent night.

I'm actually a very shy person, and so while I always spend a little while in any community feeling a little odd and like I don't belong, I feel that in the Leather community that's okay, and I'm allowed to be a little shy. People are kind and pleasant without expecting much of you in return, which makes it a very nice break from most social engagements where I'm conscious at all times of the need to keep a hold on my social skills and make use of them.

My favourite thing about this little community of people is that there is no strict "this is what Leather is and if you aren't that, you aren't Leather" attitude. Certainly the requirement for HILT (Honesty, Integrity, Loyalty, and Trust) is there, but that's something I find easy to work with, since it's been instilled in me both from my family and my Sensei, and it's something I choose to cultivate in myself as well. But it was even stated explicitly last night that you can take and leave what does and doesn't work for you, and I appreciate that, because that is how I work. I'm not so much into blindly following dogma.

I don't wear my leather vest to MLD events, mostly because I feel like while that vest has tremendous meaning to me, that may or may not be acceptable to the others in the community there. Yet - now, I am feeling like perhaps it's okay, and maybe I'll wear my vest to MLD in future.

Interesting

2010-11-04T20:39:00.001+11:00

Just sent an email off to Princess, and for the first time I signed off as "Daddy" instead of writing my name.

I don't know (or really mind) if it means anything, and I don't know what in my head changed to make the switch, but I thought it was interesting.

Common Flags & Why Hunter Green Is One Of Them

2010-11-03T14:26:00.007+11:00

Flagging (that is, the hanky code) is alive and well amongst the queers in Melbourne, especially in the Leather scene. I can't comment on the gay Leather scene as I'm not welcome in most gay Leather spaces, being an intersex trans man.

But, even amongst the queer circles that I do move in, flagging is in no danger of dying out. While we may not need to worry about being covert about our desires so much any more, flagging is a uniquely queer way of talking about our sex and our desires. Even when it's not used as a way of cruising, flagging here is a signal of solidarity; a sign that says, "I'm queer and kinky, just like you".

And, yes, it does still work as a cruising device and conversation starter as well - heck, I started talking to Princess when I first noticed her flagging hunter green on her right (looking for daddy).

Now, the problem with flagging is that it's not always obvious whether someone is flagging or whether they're just wearing something they like, fashion wise, so I'm limiting this discussion generally to kink and queer spaces, where flagging generally is flagging. As much as I enjoy having a quiet chuckle when I see alt kids wearing their bandannas and wondering if they know what they're saying about themselves, I'm smart enough not to actually assume they're flagging.

The most common form of flagging I see around me is the leather wrist strap form; simply denoting whether someone is a top or a bottom. Ear piercings are also very common, but are usually a joint flagging-and-fashion sort of decision. Keys on the right or left are common in Leather circles, but not in generic queer circles.

When you get to actual hankies, that's where things get interesting. I've been watching the people around me and looking for their hankies since... well, since I found out about the hanky code when I was about sixteen, really. And I've definitely noticed that some flags are more common than others.

There are three colours that I see at least once a month, flagged on either side:

Black (heavy S&M) is by far the most popular. In Leather circles, usually means "heavy pain". In generic queer circles, usually means "into pain", or as a general kinky signifier.

Red (fisting) is another that I see everywhere, probably more common in generic queer circles than Leather circles though.

And the final one is one I want to talk about a little more in this entry: hunter green, meaning either "daddy" on the left or "looking for daddy" on the right.

I see hunter green everywhere in kink and queer circles. And I have a theory on why it's so popular.

Hunter green (and its lesser known sister, mint green, meaning "mummy/looking for mummy") isn't signifying an act, like most of the hanky code. Hunter green is signifying a desire for a certain type of relationship. Hunter green is signalling a part of your identity, a type of dynamic you enjoy and are seeking.

Hunter green is looking for something more than just kinky sex.

And I think that's why it's so common. It's not just laying some sex act out and saying that you want to do it. "Daddy" and "boy" or "girl" have so many meanings, so many different ways to do it... hunter green is saying "let's talk, let's get to know each other".

While there are other flags looking for types of people (all types of people, everything from bears to sailors to musclemen to drag queens), none of those have the same feel of looking for a certain dynamic. The only thing that could come close would be silver lame, which is about being/wanting to fuck celebrities.

I think it would be excellent if we had flags for other types of dynamics too, and I believe some folk have tried to start them (though I can't think of any examples off the top of my head) but nothing has caught on.

Another interesting thing about flagging is that there are a few differences between Leather culture and queer culture.

I see a lot more (almost all in fact) people flagging as a switch in queer circles, where in Leather people either flag what they're looking for right then, their general orientation, or the role they're playing at the time (that is, a Leather switch might still flag left or right if they're with their top or bottom).

The number of flags is also interesting. In queer circles, the more the merrier. Princess blogs over at flagging opinicus rampant, where their tagline is "there's no such thing as over-flagging", and that's a pretty common idea amongst queers. Flag everything, flag everything you are and everything you desire.

In Leather? God, no. Such a faux pas, you have no idea. Flagging more than two hankies at once is Just Not Done in Leather. You keep it simple, you keep it important.

Personally? I admit to being slightly more towards the Leather attitude in this. I don't mind what others do, but I will never flag more than two, and I do always feel a little bit funny when I see people flagging with more than two. I guess I feel a bit like it's a quality over quantity issue. I may blog more about this in the future sometime.

[Edit] If you like, come join us on twitter to talk about flags & the hanky code. Hashtag, #hankycode.

Communication Comes In Little Bits Too

2010-11-01T01:03:00.004+11:00

Tonight as I put the boy to bed, he asked me, "How is this living together thing working out for you?"

It caught me a little off guard, and I answered honestly that it's going really well, and that even though there are a couple of problems, they're not relationship problems, and they'll ease and sort themselves out fairly easily and soon, I think.

Boy often has to be coaxed into communicating, so I was very, very pleased to have him initiate something like this.

It also reminded me that the little strokes of communication are just as important as the big ones. I hadn't given much thought to the question until the boy asked it.

What This Blog Is For

2010-10-28T13:46:00.002+11:00

So, a little about this blog.

I started this blog for two reasons.

The first was that I ask my boy to write a weekly blog so that I can know where he is with things, how he's feeling about our relationship, and get an insight into him and so on and so forth. It's a common thing for dominants to ask our submissives to do - to keep a journal.

I figured, if we ask for such transparency from our submissives, why shouldn't we also be transparent in our thoughts and feelings, in a similarly easy to digest and access sort of way? I have little desire to be the mysterious dom in a dark corner that just barks orders and never reveals anything about themselves. I like to think of myself more as a lover who can bring you to trust me by proving I am worthy of that trust; a rakishly handsome rogue who smiles a lot and still makes you melt; a hero who takes you on as his sidekick; a teacher and guide who can take you to the places you want to go (and others where you should go, even if you don't want to).

In short, communication and transparency is a valuable tool in all relationships. So I started this blog to be transparent to my partners, to let them see inside my brain on issues about BDSM, Leather, relationships, love, and all that other nonsense. :)

The other reason I started this blog is much more simple. There are very few BDSM/Leather lifestyle blogs written by dominant men.

I don't know why. I see lots of blogs by submissives, slaves, boys, girls, bottoms, femme dommes, Mistresses, female switches, etc. But for some reason we male dominants don't seem to want to write about ourselves.

So I started this blog also to add a dominant male voice to the internet. I don't claim to speak for all dominant men (far from it, actually, I think I'm quite different from a lot of them), but I'm not claiming to be the definitive anything. I'm just me, a young man making his way in Leather and alternative relationships, and writing about them.

I mention all this for two reasons. The first is that while I've mentioned this sort of thing before, never so blatantly. These are the reasons my blog exist, and remain the most important reasons to me.

The other reason is that I just found the 'stats' option on my blogger dashboard and have found out that aside from the 30+ subscribers I have, this blog tends to get around 100 hits a week. Which came as a bit of a shock. Adding this to the fact that the lovely Jey has nominated my post about community and caring for the Bloggers Who Make You Think List, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just posting random nonsense from my brain just for the sake of my lovers and a couple of friends, but some of you actually read this thing. :P

So, while it won't be intentional, this knowledge will shape how I write in my blog a little bit over the coming months. Who knows, I might even plan something for my 100th post.

But I wanted to post about my reasons for this blog. They're the most important reasons and they're the reasons I continue to post. So if you ever wonder what this blog is all about... it's about that. It's being communicating with my partners, and showing that male doms are humans after all. :)

Intersex Awareness Day

2010-10-28T05:11:00.004+11:00

I wrote and posted this originally on facebook. But it's close enough to heart and an important enough issue that I'm posting it here as well, despite the fact it has nothing to do with Leather or BDSM. Please forgive my indulgence.

~~~

So, apparently today is Intersex Awareness Day.

So here tis.

I'm intersex. I didn't know this until relatively recently in my life. I only found out while I was trying to medically transition, only to find out that I can't.

I'm a person.

Intersex people are not freaks or hermaphrodites. We are not "one in a million". We are more like one in a thousand, and that's conservatively. It's more likely that we're one in a hundred.

We can be men, women, both, or neither in identity. We can be cis or we can be trans. We can be straight, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual.

We exist.

When, during discussions on gender, sex, and/or intersex, you say things like "oh, but they're so rare, they don't count", you are being a douchebag. We count. There are millions of us. Just because we don't fit into your narrow ideas of how the world works does not mean that we don't count. The irony is that this sort of comment often comes from people who believe they're critical thinkers, logical people who work with evidence and facts rather than ideas or concepts.

We are people, and we are everywhere. You don't know if someone you know is intersex. You don't know if someone you're talking to is intersex. You only know if we tell you - and a lot of us don't come out, because it's a dangerous world out there to come out about being intersex.

So, on intersex awareness day, I'd like you to firstly, be aware of intersex people. We're real. Secondly, I'd like you to not be a douchebag about intersex people, for the rest of your life.

If you can do those two things, you'll make the world a much better place. And you'll be a decent person, which is its own reward.

~~~

And just to clarify, for those who know little to nothing about me otherwise; I'm an intersex man, an intersex trans man to be exact. So the blog title, "Diary of a Leatherman" is entirely true. Just a little less complicated. :)

Right vs. Left

2010-10-25T15:51:00.002+11:00

There's a lot of discussion in Leather as to whether the submissive should walk/stand on the left or the right of the dominant. I don't really know if I believe in one true way for this, I think whatever works for people is fine. But anyway, that's not what this is about.

I often prefer to have my submissive on my left side. It just feels more natural, or better, or something, I don't know. I just know it's what I prefer.

Today I had a lightbulb moment which explained why!

At karate (which as I'm sure you all remember, is practically my base for my life in Leather) we were lined up in a very specific order. Sensei at the front of the class, of course, and then we were lined up grade by grade, from left to right. Those who were of a lower grade than you, were always on your left.

So in my formative adolescent years, I had already learned that those lower than you in the chain were on your left, and those higher on your right. It's unsurprising that that subconsciously stuck around even long after I had to leave karate! :)

Laziness & Life Coaches

2010-10-21T10:42:00.004+11:00

The boy has been struggling with laziness his whole life, from what he tells me. A bright boy from a young age, he was labelled as "gifted" as a child and thus began to learn the kinds of things that "gifted" kids learn. When I say that, I don't just mean advanced mathematics and such, but the social pressure and expectations that go with being "gifted".

He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.

It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.

The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.

It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.

One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.

So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)

So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.

Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.

So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:

* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.

* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.

* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.

I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.

Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.

Happy Belated Birthday, Blog!

2010-10-18T15:22:00.004+11:00

Apparently two days ago was this blog's 1st birthday!

The reason I didn't notice this was because I kept feeling like this blog was barely six months old. I still feel like *I'm* so new to Leather (and I am, having only identified as Leather for... well, if the blog is a year old, probably somewhere around two years? Honestly I can't even remember right now, I'm not very good with dates anyway).

I feel like I should do something to celebrate, but I can't think of anything, heh. This would be much easier if I were a monetized blog, then I could run a competition or give something away or something. I guess if you're in Melbourne and you'd like to get tied up or something, I can offer that.

This reminds me that in about a month and a half it will be the first anniversary of my officially collaring the boy. What a strange thought. It feels both much longer and much less time than that has passed, simultaneously.

Another milestone; on New Years the boy will have completed his full year of orgasm denial. How terribly proud of him I am! And how well he has learned the lesson that sometimes it can be dangeous to tell Daddy your fantasies... because he *will* make them happen.

Well, I must say that life is going splendidly, and I think the saying "the first year of many to come" applies as much as ever.

What happens when two very different people get into a relationship with each other.

2010-10-13T15:36:00.003+11:00

Boy and I are very different people. Boy thrives under routine and structure, he excels when he has a direct path to follow. I, on the other hand, get depressed and anxious under structure, I need flexibility and spontaneity in my life in order to thrive.

So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?

Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?

But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).

I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.

At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.

We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.

If you're curious these are his current rules:

* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.

If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)

Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.

Seeking (Crosspost from Fetlife)

2010-10-12T14:26:00.003+11:00

We have the internet again! Huzzuh!

In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:

~~~

Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.

(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)

Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.

So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.

I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.

It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.

I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.

I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.

OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.

Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?

Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.

At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.

About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.

Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.

Moving House Sucks

2010-10-02T14:35:00.001+10:00

Haven't forgotten you, blog, but we've moved into our new house and we are still not unpacked and still have no internet. Will be a few more days until I'm in any way back to normal.

Bloggy Things

2010-09-16T15:13:00.004+10:00

I've been thinking about this blog, and my approach to blogging.

I don't blog here as if I am writing articles. This is not meant to be some definitive example of behind-the-scenes of Leather or kink, nor is it particularly meant to make people think, or have any influence whatsoever.

I blog here as a diary. Because that is also the name of the blog - Diary of a Leatherman. Because that is what it is.

This is just a chronicle of one soul's journey. This is just me plonking my thoughts and experiences into the internet. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything in particular. This blog is really more for me than it is for any audience.

The reason I initially made this blog is still relevant: there are a lot of blogs out there by submissives of all genders, about their journey, and there are a good number of blogs by Mistresses and femme dommes as well. But there is a very, very small number of blogs by dominant men, about our lives.

Very few of us write about how we feel, what we think, what goes on within us. Those that do tend to blog tend to be very external bloggers, who write more about things that happen rather than what's bubbling beneath their skin. I want to write about all of it, the good the bad and the ugly, and what goes on inside my head.

So I'm not blogging this as if it were a zine or something. I'm blogging this as a record of this part of my life. It may bring some interest or light to those seeking answers, or it may not, I am fine with both of those things. Either way, I will have something to look back on in some years to see where I was and how I was feeling about this step of my journey.

Power Imbalances

2010-09-13T15:39:00.003+10:00

So, boy is submissive and I am dominant. In short, I'm the boss.

But is it that simple?

I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.

One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.

I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.

At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.

Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.

Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.

So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.

What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.

Moving

2010-09-09T11:12:00.003+10:00

Last entry was my 50th entry. I didn't even notice. There you go. I think it's fitting, somewhat.

Anyway.

Today the boy and I signed a lease! We were accepted for a lovely little home in Braybrook, which we fell in love with as soon as we walked into it. It's beautiful and I know we'll be happy there. I'm already making plans for the dungeon. :)

So now there's just another maybe month of madness, and then we can settle down and start having a nice relaxed sort of life again. I'm looking forward to that; there's been a bit too much excitement in my life recently.

What's it LIKE?

2010-09-02T01:09:00.003+10:00

A question I've had aimed at me is "What's it LIKE to be in a D/s relationship?"

Not usually asked by vanilla folk, actually. Usually asked by folk who are kinky, or think they are kinky, who desire D/s relationships, or think they do, but they're not sure... people who want to know what it's like not just out of curiosity, but because they think they might like it too.

I never know how to answer. I usually say something like "it's good" or something equally stupid.

It's 1am here at the moment so I don't expect this entry to answer the question properly right now either. But I want to think about out loud it a little.

What is it like?

It's... secure. It's very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they're built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you've talked about it and figured it out together.

It's... fun. It's like getting to play games all day every day with your best friend.

It's hard. It's hard because you need to talk about EVERYTHING. It's hard because you are intentionally creating a power imbalance, so you have to somehow find a way to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. It's hard because sometimes you just want to say "fuck it" and watch movies together and not have the D/s exist.

It's also hard because you have to know yourself. You have to know as much as you can about yourself. Your strengths, yes, your needs, definitely... and your weaknesses, absolutely. You need to be able to handle your weaknesses. That's probably the hardest bit, and not something I always succeed at (I am still very young, after all, everything is still practise).

It's sexy. It's all your wet dreams come to life, and that's fucking amazing.

It's fulfilling. When you were a kid, didn't you want to be kind of bad ass? Being in a D/s relationship makes you kind of bad ass. And you know what? Being bad ass is fucking awesome.

That's kind of what it's like. It's like being a happy, secure, sexy, satisfied, self-actualized, challenged, excited, hot and horny bad ass. And that's awesome.

Who Does the Cooking?

2010-08-31T14:15:00.003+10:00

A common assumption in D/s and M/s groups on Fetlife is that the sub/slave does all the cooking and cleaning.

Me and the boy don't do that. The boy certainly does do all the cleaning (as much as I'd like to say he does "most" of the cleaning, the truth is that he does it all, and he does it all with excellence - the hyperbole and a half comic "clean ALL THE THINGS" applies to him frequently) but cooking is MY ARENA.

I really enjoy cooking. It's meditation for me, and it feeds both people's tummies and my own desire to nurture the living hell out of everyone. Plus, I am good at it.

I don't find cooking to be an innately submissive act, as it is sometimes discussed as. In my case, how could it be? I am literally controlling the food that nurtures my subs. I generally have the control over the shopping list as well, the authority is mine.

You know that old trope of a mother in the kitchen, waving the wooden spoon because her kids are getting under foot, so she chases them out? That's me.

The phrase "get out of my kitchen" is occasionally barked. If I am asked "how can I help?" I tell them "sit there and look pretty".

The kitchen is MY place.

... At least until washing up time, then it's my sub's place.

(I'm quite turned on by the idea of a sub chained in the kitchen to do the cleaning... but the practicality always bugs me; what if I want to cook while they're in there? They'll be in the way!)

Thinky Thoughts About Community & Caring & Stuff

2010-08-30T17:28:00.002+10:00

This entry is not really about D/s and Leather and BDSM. But this *IS* about community.

A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).

I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.

So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.

We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.

In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.

This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).

One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.

The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.

So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.

I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?

So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.

But unfortunately things are complicated.

Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".

I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.

However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.

Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.

Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?

While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.

Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.

What Daddies Do Best

2010-08-27T13:52:00.002+10:00

Princess came over last night, she's had quite a stressful time recently and not much time to herself. So the first thing I did was put her in a room on her own for a while, to let her breathe and relax a bit. Then I cooked her dinner and gave her lots of cuddles.

She went to sleep in my arms (quite literally, she squirmed and pulled my arms around her until she was pretty much trapped) and every now and then while she was asleep she'd startle a bit and reach up and grab my arms, like she was making sure I was still there. It was pretty cute.

I haven't been sleeping well, so I woke up fairly early for me, and she sort of dozily awoke as well. I made her breakfast and tea and made sure she left early enough to go pick up her passport, which she had to get done today.

About a week ago, my boy (and my best friend) had quite a bad day at work. So when they came home, I suggested we go get something to eat (everyone agreed on KFC) and then I suggested we go to the arcade. Boy went quite happily into boyspace and bounced around the arcade, playing a few different games. I gave him a limit on how much money he could spend, and I looked after coins and supervised while he played, and played games with him when he wanted to play something two player.

We came home and I cuddled the boy a lot, and he went to sleep feeling much better than he had earlier that day. Boy has commented many times that he feels safest and most relaxed in my arms.

Daddies, we do a lot of things. We beat our boys and girls and torment them, tease them, give them orgasms, buy them things, give them orders. But the most important thing we do, I think, is give boys and girls somewhere safe and warm, where they can be themselves and feel good. That's the real gift of a Daddy.

Absent

2010-08-24T15:30:00.002+10:00

Been a bit absent, haven't I?

I've been busy, and unfortunately that business interferes with D/s life a lot. Oh, the boy and I have been rumbling along, but I don't have much to report. And I haven't seen the princess in a little while (dear me) but I will be seeing her on Thursday.

I have also been working on my web site a lot, which I will let you know about as soon as it launches :)

A dear friend has asked me to assist him in a complex and beautiful hook pull/rope suspension combination later this year, which I'm very much looking forward to. It will be amazing.

That's all for now... I will do my best to post more in the coming days/weeks. It's just a crazy time at the moment. :)

Family in the Scene

2010-08-13T14:29:00.002+10:00

Every single Melbourne Leather Dinner that has taken place so far (which is 11 of them!), I have either been sick, broke, or out of town. It's very frustrating.

This week has been especially frustrating, because it seems that by having the plague I missed not just a great night, but I missed witnessing a vest being gifted, AND I missed an opportunity to "just bump into" my boy's uncle, who is a leather man visiting from Adelaide.

I have previously "just bumped into" this uncle... on recon.com. It was, surprisingly, not awkward at all. I sent him a message saying "I feel strange knowing you're on here and you not having the same information about me, so hello! I'm dating your nephew." He replied back with a lovely, welcoming message that was probably one of the nicest interactions I've ever had with the boy's family.

The boy's family... don't really like me. They tolerate me. So I've sort of latched onto this uncle as a part of the boy's family that I feel I can relate to, someone who I can get along with and not feel too strange interacting with. The fact that he is a part of the Leather community only makes this easier for me.

I know a lot of people with family in the scene, and while some people are weirded out by the concept, I don't think it's strange at all. No relationship is created equally, and that includes familial relationships. It's not surprising that there are plenty of people out there who share a similar lifestyle to their parents, so why is it surprising when it comes to alternative sexuality?

Being Daddy

2010-08-11T23:29:00.003+10:00

Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Daddy... or more specifically, what it means to be so much a Daddy that even people who have no D/s nor parental connection to you sometimes address you as Daddy.

Let's delve into history a bit.

First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.

And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.

Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.

My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.

Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.

Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.

These two things are connected.

For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.

I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.

So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.

(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)

Love, Pressure

2010-08-04T16:07:00.002+10:00

Sometimes being a Daddy is a lot like being a father, I suppose.

Last night the boy was feeling upset and anxious, about what we're still not really sure (from what I could coax out of him, it had to do with dwelling on the past somewhat). So I let him have a night off from his curfew. I made him a cup of sleepy tea, gave him some blankets and let him curl up on the couch with me while we watched a Shrek movie. Eventually he felt a little better, so I tucked him back into bed.

Things like that, I don't really feel like they're D/s things at the time, they're just relationship things... and I think that's true, but I think that being in a D/s relationship means that they are D/s things as well. I cuddle and look after my boy because he's my boy, I'm his Daddy, and that's my responsibility.

In the last couple of weeks the boy has been making noises about starting to date again, something that I've been encouraging. He's been feeling more and more toppy recently, and thus needs a sub to play with. One of the things stopping him however is that he isn't really sure what he's looking for - whether he's looking for a relationship or just someone to play with, that sort of thing.

I've been doing what this Daddy does best and asking lots of hard questions to get him to think. Sometimes he gets grumpy and hides under a blanket, insisting that he's hiding from the hardness of all the questions, but of course I chase him when he does this. It's not a case of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, it's about knowing how my boy ticks - and he doesn't think about things in advance, he's very much a go with the flow sort of person. And that's great, as long as you don't have any desires or plans that require thinking ahead.

Anyway, I am definitely encouraging his interest in dating and topping. For a few selfish reasons (I find the idea hot, of course there is something potent about being the top of another top), but also because the boy is innately a switch, and thus I want all sides of him to be well developed and cared for.

Macushla Farm

2010-07-30T17:47:00.004+10:00

For two nights' worth of holiday, this week the boy and I headed out to Macushla Farm, which aside from being a lovely BnB in general is also a Fetish BnB.

It was glorious.

I'm not even sure where to start in talking about it. The cabin was amazing (ugh, I love spas more than life), the little touches were charming (the soap smelled wonderful and felt fantastic), the setting was fabulous (alpacas and kangaroos roaming around gum trees), and the delicious play room/dungeon was one of, if not THE, finest I've ever had the pleasure to patronize.

What to talk about what to talk about.

It was lovely to have just space to be with the boy, to enjoy him and being with him. It was lovely to play with him, though we didn't scene particularly hard or for very long, we did little snippets of play all through the day and night. We spent as much time in the dungeon with each other as we did in the cabin.

The dungeon was so perfect, it gave me dreams of what to do with my own. There was so much furniture, so many options, it was a dream. For the first couple of hours I couldn't focus properly, I was like a child in a toy store, just running about and poking everything, getting a feel for it, playing with it. The ambience was perfect and easily customised, with media centre for music and porn/other dvds, and many lighting options.

Ambience is an interesting thing - I usually play in such ambience at clubs etc, as even though I have BDSM furniture at home I haven't had the ambience so much, so I tend to rely on public events for ambience. With a private place like that, I discovered something interesting: I prefer to scene while barefoot.

This is unusual of course because D-types are usually required-by-expectation to be wearing either boots or at least dress shoes while they do their toppy business. But I kicked off my shoes and immediately found myself more at home.

I've mentioned before that so much of who I am as a top is influenced by my history in martial arts, and thus this is probably not much of a surprise. I love my feet, they let me feel where I am, how my body is, and let me channel my movements. All strikes in martial arts eventually come down to your feet - that's why your stance is so important.

Being barefoot made me feel more stable, like I was connected to the ground. It let me control my body better. It let me feel more 'in the moment'. It made me feel more connected to reality. I found my feet slipping back into stances that I haven't used in years, like I'd never stopped.

So that was eye-opening, and once again made me remember that not only is there no One True Way for this kind of thing, but that I'm a little bit of a freak as well - and I kind of like that!

Another thing that came up for me while I was there was this recurring fantasy I have of a kinky "family vacation". Not necessarily to do with Leather family (although I suppose that can't be helped in this situation), but more to do with the idea of the classic "family" idea, and the "family holiday" trope... and then twisting it up a bit.

I love the idea of having a couple of days away to get my kink on, with my 'family'... Daddy with his kids (boys? girls? any number thereof), the slave(s), and of course the family dog...

I don't have slaves or a human dog right now but that doesn't mean the fantasy isn't there!

I don't know why the idea appeals to me so much, but it does. Perverting the normality of your average person's everyday life. Enjoying and relaxing and taking time out with people I care about without needing to restrict my activities to vanilla-friendly ones.

The idea has reseeded in my mind so much I'm wondering if I could get away with organizing something like it for my birthday, which is coming up in a couple of months... I'm sure I could put a personal ad out there seeking a 'family dog' for a couple of days...

All in all I must say Macushla Farm is an absolute MUST for all kinksters who live in or are even passing through Victoria. The only downside about the place is that you need a car to get there!

Thoughts on Orders vs. Inspiration

2010-07-24T14:30:00.003+10:00

I am very much into obedient submissives. If I have to fight you to get you to submit, I'm not going to bother. I am not here to fight your inner battles for you.

Lots of dominants are like this, it's not surprising. But I recently realized that I'm not even that big of a fan of giving orders.

Stay with me here. I know you're wondering how there can be obedience without giving orders - after all, obedience implies there's something there to obey. And it's not that I don't have preferences, or that I don't have expectations. It's just the orders themselves that often fall by the wayside.

I *could* beat myself up about this and think of myself as a bad dominant, but I don't think that's what it is. I think it's that I'd rather inspire a submissive to want to do things, instead of just tell them to do them.

I would rather discuss with my boy why it would be a good thing for him to go to the gym twice a week, than simply tell him to do so. I would rather tell him that I enjoy his service, and then reward him when he does it, than to simply boss him around.

Sure, if I want something specific, I will give an order; but it's usually very small things that I do this for. "Fetch my shoes", "refill my glass", things like that. Anything bigger and I would rather open a dialogue about it and find whatever seed it is in a submissive that wants to do whatever I'm after, and draw it out.

Admittedly this entire concept mostly applies to boys and girls and submissives - I do not know if I would take this same approach with a slave, not having yet owned one. I suspect with a slave I would be more likely to give direct orders.

I have owned a girl before, but she was definitely a submissive and not a slave; it might be confusing as to how one can 'own' someone who is not a slave, but it worked for us... I suppose when I think about it I have a similar relationship with my boy, though the words "ownership" or "owned" have never been thrown around, "belongs" and "belonging" and "mine" have been.

The line between "24/7 D/s" and "slavery" is often a little blurry, I suppose.

At any rate, back on subject, most of this does come back to my dislike of "force". I am a very strong believer in autonomy and consent, and while I am perfectly aware that "forced" rarely actually means overriding someone's autonomy, it still makes me a little edgy. I think maybe this is why it might be different with a slave who has agreed to a consensual-non-consent arrangement; the consent has been given in advance, for an explicit period of time. This is differing from my other D/s relationships I have had, where even though I might be the boss, the autonomy and consent of my submissive is not a blanket statement at any point.

I do want to add a slave to my life sometime in the near future; I know it will be difficult to find the slave that is the right fit with me and my family, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere.

Community vs. Shyness

2010-07-20T12:48:00.003+10:00

I'm a very shy person.

Quite a few people have laughed at me when I've admitted this in the past, but that's because I'm a complete nerd for social and communication skills, and thus have learned to fake it pretty well so far.

But the truth is, I'm a very shy person. I'm somewhat insecure. A lot of things affect this, mostly from my childhood (ahh, freudian), but that's irrelevant. The point is that I'm shy.

One of the Things(tm) about Leather is that it's very much about community. About being involved, about taking part, about serving and contributing to the community. That is, in fact, something I quite like about Leather, being that I am a bit of a bleeding heart case myself (which is probably why I attract girls and boys more than subs or slaves or other s-types).

But it's hard to get involved when you are shy.

It's not that I don't want to be - it's simply that I am shy. I'm a little afraid. It's also a lot of energy for me to be social, as much as I love it, it can be very draining.

None of this stops me of course - I'm very stubborn and when I decide I'm in something, I'm in, but doing something bravely anyway doesn't stop it from being hard.

I often come off as rather aloof in Leather social situations, because of my shyness. This is not intentional, it's just me struggling with my shyness. Sometimes the way I can deal with it all is to just be there in body, and keep mostly quiet. Other times I may do the opposite - for example, I write this blog, and I made it public. This is a way for me to be present vocally if not physically.

Shyness may not be very becoming in a Leather Sir, but each one of us is also a person, with our own personal struggles. One of mine is shyness.

One of the main things I struggle with is how to be involved with my community when I am shy (and also as a disabled man who cannot always get out to things, and as a trans man who is not always welcome at things). It means I don't make it to a lot of Leather events, and the ones I do make it to, I'm often very quiet, preferring to listen rather than speak (which is actually generally fine by me as I'm like that in most things, shyness or not).

Contribution is a tricky thing. I try and make it work. At present my main attempt at contribution to the Leather community is to try to be the best man I can be, to be kind and courteous, and to set a good example. To care for my fellow Leatherfolk.

And as with all things, of course, one must look to caring for oneself before that care can be turned outwards. This is also something that I've had to consider for the last couple of months, as life as been pretty crazy.

Shyness vs. Community will be an ongoing struggle for me, I suspect, but we don't grow as people without a little challenge!

It's a Girl!

2010-07-18T13:37:00.004+10:00

So.

I've been seeing this charming girl for a couple of months now. She is fiery and loud and a spoilt princess, and I rather adore her. She's been asking for a little while if she could call me Daddy, and I've had to think about it.

I've had to think about it because I'm coming from a certain culture that has certain ideas about what that label means. I don't think that the dynamic between her and I necessarily fits into that culture, so it means I have to wiggle my head around a little bit to figure things out.

Nonetheless, I am a brave adventurer and I am willing to figure things out as they go. I don't need to fit myself or my life entirely into any one culture or compartment, so I'm happy to see what forms and where it goes.

(Incidentally, I recently heard the phrase "old guard, new guard, and avant-garde" in regards to Leather and it amused me greatly, and I'm wondering if I should/could perhaps identify that way... but it would probably confuse people, so I'll stick with New Leather.)

At any rate, after some very awkward conversation (both of us seem to think and discuss in rather vague and/or abstract terms) I agreed that she could call me Daddy, and then bought her a leather strap to wear about her neck. We still have a few things to discuss, but they can wait until they come up and can be discussed in more practical, concrete ways.

My boy is very excited for me and is already pestering me about when she's coming around for dinner sometime so he can get to know her better. I'm very blessed to have such a sweet boy.

So, that's the news. I'm a Daddy again (still?), and it's a girl.

Vampire Gloves

2010-07-09T01:29:00.004+10:00

You know, for a blog that's supposedly about my everyday life, I don't seem to write much about my everyday life, do I?

Well, let's talk about a play party I went to recently.

A friend of mine gave me loan of his vampire gloves for the evening, he wanted them to be taken out and shown some love. So I had a shiny new toy to play with.

Once there, I really was just playing about with the gloves a little, testing the sensations out on myself and my boy.

Then, magic.

Vampire gloves are clearly made of bondage fairy dust, because women started taking their shirts off, thrusting their bodies on front of me and asking to be touched. Being a terribly considerate person, of course I fulfilled all such requests.

These gloves are wonderful. With very light pressure, the sensation is rather like a very intense tickle. With a little more pressure, they become delicious scratchy tools of pleasure. Once you've stopped, the skin you've been playing with glows red and is extremely warm, which is pleasant enough on its own and even more so if you add some ice to cool it back down.

One lady stood in front of me, and when I asked if she needed to sit she claimed to have "very strong footwork". I took this as a challenge. She writhed and moaned and stood her ground perfectly well as I left scratches all over her chest, however I have a secret weapon. I pushed her arms up in the air and drew the gloves along her tender upper forearm, down to her armpit. Of course this made her giggle and lose her footing :)

The next day she apparently had a delightful sting from a hot shower over her skin.

Now, a while back I promised a princess a pony ride, so also at this party I geared up my boy as a pony and took him for a little walk to see his pony steps.

Oh dear, we really should have done some training beforehand.

The boy definitely needs pony training, but he was fine for one night of rides. So he took not one, but two princesses for a ride, and was then very tired at the end of it. I'm sure with some training he'll be an excellent pony for little girls to ride on, and pony training is definitely being added to the list of things I need to do with him.

The main thing the boy needs training in regard to is both finding his pony headspace (which is something all humanimal players need to find in the beginning) and also his gait. Both of these can be worked on with time and care and lots and lots of play.

It was a really excellent night, I love the Melbourne BDSM community and our events. It's always fantastic fun.

Incidentally, I have also ordered myself my own pair of vampire gloves now. The pleasure they bring to both myself and those I touch while wearing them was certainly worth a little indulgence in my bank account.

Moving On

2010-07-01T18:39:00.002+10:00

I think one of the challenges in Leather is to actually stay in a Leather mindset, even when life is against you.

Of course, "real life" (I've never understood that, this *is* my real life) always comes first. But for me Leather is deeply entrenched in the same part of my mind that martial arts used to (and still does to a certain extend) occupy.

You can't turn that off. In regards to martial arts, Sensei used to say "Karate is not a sport; karate is a way of life."

This is of course utterly true and I feel the same thing applies to Leather. Yes, Leather is who you fuck and how you fuck them. But it's also a way of life, a way of seeing the world.

Sometimes that can get a little lost, and we need to take a deep breath and remember where we come from.

I've been very stressed and have been hiding from the world a little in the last few weeks. I feel that time is coming to an end now, however, and I can come out into the sunlight again.

There are things that need my attention; holidays are all well and good but one must come home eventually.

Moving is such a hassle.

2010-06-30T13:42:00.002+10:00

I don't have much of anything particularly interesting to blog about right now, my life is a steady stream of packing, moving, organizing, and eating takeaway.

Let's turn our eyes to the near future so that I do have something to talk about.

One of the conditions of me moving in with my boy was that we would get a house with at least three bedrooms. There are a few very boring reasons for this, but the great part of this condition is that it means we will have a dungeon/play room.

It will also have a spare bed in it so it will also double as crash space for when people come over. Fortunately we don't have any friends (that I know of) who aren't aware of our lifestyle, so we don't need to go into the closet about anything. The only slight exception is the boy's family, should they come over, we'll just shut the door and say it's the storage room and it's full of crap.

I'm quite looking forward to this for a multitude of reasons. One, what kinkster doesn't want their very own play room in their home? Two, it means I'll probably get a chance to build some more dungeon furniture that previously I haven't had the room for. At present we already own a St Andrews Cross that I built, and a large dog cage (that I bought off ebay). I'm not sure what the next item will be, it will depend on the room I suppose, but I'm looking forward to figuring it out :)

I'm also liking the idea of having outdoor furniture. We're also planning to have a place with a back yard, and I'd like to think of the back yard as another room of the house. If the fences aren't high enough we'll put up some temporary ones. Then, as well as the regular stuff like a bbq and an outdoor dining set, we can pop a couple of fun items of furniture out there as well.

As with all my reasoning for most of my decorating, it will be great for parties :)

I'm hoping to have more interesting things to blog about soon, dear internets. Perhaps next time I'll blog about something a little more theoretical and thought-provoking than just my kinky decorating plans.

What a month.

2010-06-17T01:12:00.004+10:00

My dear readers, if you exist that is, I apologise for disappearing for the last month.

I wish I could explain why, but the truth is that I would have to write a list of all the horrible things that have happened in the last month, and you wouldn't believe it anyway.

Suffice to say there were several crises, and things are definitely looking up now.

In the coming month or two, I will be moving house, which will hopefully not be much of a drama, but may also mean a post every couple of weeks instead of once a week-ish. But I will say, I have lots of things to tell you. So look forward to that.

Presently the boy is asleep in his bed, snoring softly away. I guess this blog has come to mean more to me already than I expected, because I feel very at home, typing away here as he does so.

Ropey Pony

2010-05-19T16:45:00.004+10:00

As you may remember, this year I had to cut rope off a bottom.

Since then I've been left with bundles of cut rope not quite long enough to salvage even for much shorter useful lengths. Due to being both a bit of a hippie and dirt poor, I abhor waste.

So I'm recycling.

I'm using this rope to construct a rope bridle for pony play. I'll probably use it to make a tail as well, and anything else that I can think of that can be made with what I have - which I'm sure will be something. I firmly believe that rope can do anything.

Live in D/s

2010-05-18T11:49:00.003+10:00

After weeks of discussion (and more to come), the boy and I have decided to move in together, in a few months from now.

It was not something we discussed lightly. We both have a lot of Stuff(tm) about commitment, and live-in relationships. He due to inexperience (he has never lived with a partner before) and I due to baggage (thanks to a truly messy breakup from a few years ago). We're both very independent and need our space - me especially.

In discussing, we've agreed the best option is to find some sort of balance between living with your partner, and just sharehousing with them - even more important when you remember that we are polyamorous, and need the configuration to be comfortable for us and any other partners we bring home.

One thing that I've been worrying about is making the transition from D/s to live-in D/s.

For example, as we live separately, we have our own chores to do in our own houses - and the boy does mine for me when he comes over and I ask/tell him to (or he squirms away and does them without me asking). But when we live together, though, if he does most/all of the chores - will that work as simply as that? I do not want him to resent me for not doing my share.

And what about sleeping habits? Often when the boy stays over at my place, he sleeps in the cage. But I have little desire to see him always sleep in the cage, and even if he did, what would we do with his bed? Where would we *put* the cage, if he was sleeping in it every night? The dungeon? The living room? His room? Not my room, that's for certain - that stubborn "I need my space" feeling cancels that out.

What about slaves? I do want a live in slave at some point, how will we need to negotiate that?

So as you can see, we have a lot to work out. But I'm feeling confident, we're very good at working through our stuff together. I will keep you all posted. :)

Spoilt Rotten

2010-05-10T19:33:00.002+10:00

I'm a spoiler. I spoil little girls and boys absolutely rotten.

It grew very easily - a little too easily - out of simply being a very nurturing person. I always have been and I always will be. I doubt I will ever be the sort of stern, strict dominant who makes their slaves' lives exciting sorts of hell.

Instead I prefer to nurture, to cuddle, to love and help grow. I discipline, yes, and I set structure and rules, and I even punish when it's called for. But deep down, I simply adore giving subs cuddles and presents and making dinner for them.

This is also why I prefer obedient submissives over the bratty type that love to be 'forced' to do things. I don't want to 'force' if I don't have to, I'd rather ask (or gently command) and then reward profusely.

It has it's drawbacks - sometimes I literally spoil rotten, and need to cut back on my leniency. Sometimes I need to remind myself that subs are a bit like puppies - you can spoil them, yes, but if you give a little too far they will jump all over you and you will no longer be in charge. Fortunately, I'm very much a dog person and am quite good at training them ;)

But at the end of the day, I like being a spoiler. There's nothing I love more than the squeals of delight when a submissive is given a special treat.

This post bought to you by a princess saying she'd like a plush toy or a pony, and me deciding that I would just give her both.

Chastity

2010-05-07T19:05:00.004+10:00

Some sad stuff has happened in my world this week (there was a death in the boy's family), so I am firmly not going to talk about those things here and instead write about something fun and amusing.

Recently, realizing a fantasy of his, the boy bought a CB6000 chastity device.

As I've said before, he's already on orgasm denial, so even if this wasn't something he desperately wanted, it was probably a logical progression anyway.

We went to Mannhaus, which is an excellent store and we always try to buy there as the service is amazing and we want to support the business. The boy chatted to the guy working there and learned quite a bit, since apparently he had also worn one for two weeks previously. We bought the cage, then came home.

Now, here's the thing.

It's very, very difficult to get a chastity device onto someone who is turned on by chastity.

Even though the boy did a lot of it himself, he needed help for some of it. Besides, I wanted to be a part of it - I was the one locking him into chastity, for goodness sakes.

So, we would do a part, then he'd have to lie down and relax and meditate for a little while to calm things down. Then there'd be a mad rush to get another part done, then more relaxing.

It took half an hour.

Never let it be said that living a BDSM lifestyle isn't hilarious as much as it is serious and sexy.

Reactions, Denial, and the Blogroll

2010-04-28T23:32:00.005+10:00

I really need to update the links on my blogroll on this blog, I noticed a few of them don't exist anymore. This is pretty sad for me as I really enjoyed those blogs, so I'm sad to see them cease to exist.

Anyway.

Recently I've been being amused by people's reactions.

The boy has been on orgasm denial since December. He has not had an orgasm (aside from nocturnal emissions, which I do not count because I am neither ignorant of anatomy nor excruciatingly cruel) in 2010. Being that it is now the end of April, people's reactions to this can be pretty amusing.

Without fail, they will be astounded or amazed at first. Then they will either proclaim loudly about how they could never do that, never go that long without an orgasm - or they will smile, sometimes a little shyly, and say that that's kind of cool.

I never used to be interested in orgasm denial - I only got into it because it interested the boy. At first it was just extended teasing, then denial for a couple of days, then a couple of weeks, then a bit over a month. At this point, at four months, I can safely say that I've become a complete convert.

The strangest side effect of it has been that I am more secure in our relationship. I feel like I truly am dominant over him at all times, because I am controlling his sexuality at all times.

This means that - as we are polyamorous - that even if the boy has sex with someone else... he is not allowed to come without *my* permission. He also should not ask for permission. Oh he *can* ask for permission... but I'm always going to say no.

And all this... all this leaves me feeling very secure in our relationship. How can I feel jealous, how can I feel possessive, how can I feel threatened or afraid or even just a little worried, when I control the peak of his sexual pleasure? And more importantly, when he *consents* to me controlling the peak of his sexual pleasure?

Yes, I'm definitely a convert. And I keep joking about making the boy wait an entire year before his next orgasm, so it would be in December this year. But every time I say it it feels a little bit less like a joke....

Responsibility

2010-04-21T19:32:00.002+10:00

Responsibility is a pretty big part of D/s and Leather. Whether it's being responsible for your submissive, or being responsible for fulfilling your duties to your dominant, it's a pretty important part of this type of lifestyle.

Recently I have been coming into a place of further responsibility towards my community.

Over the last couple of years, but much more intensely in the last couple of months, I've been approached by people. People asking my advice, my thoughts, my recommendations. People asking for my help. People finding comfort and safety in my company.

While a large part of me is stunned at this, being that I am but a baby of the world (I am only 24 years old), I am doing my best to not respond with self-deprecating nonsense. I am doing my best to not say "But why me? I'm crap!" or anything like that.

Instead I am doing my best to take this responsibility seriously.

If people are coming to me asking for help, it is my responsibility to take that seriously. To listen to them, to do my best for them within my abilities. To care for them as much as I am able to do without compromising myself.

If people look up to me, it is my responsibility to do my best at being a person worth the faith they put in me.

It is, of course, not my responsibility to demand an unreachable standard of myself, by any means. But I believe I can find the balance between being a person who holds up to people's ideal of me being a person of good regard - AND being able to care for myself and allow myself my human flaws.

Or at least, that is what I am aiming for.

Differences Between Boy and Slave

2010-04-10T12:41:00.002+10:00

My boy is my boy, he is not my slave.

For a lot of people in D/s relationships, the line between D/s and M/s can be very blurry. For others, it is so far apart it's ridiculous to think of them together.

I'm a terrible black and white thinker. I can't do it. I just... don't think in black and white, at all. Black is just very dark grey, and white is just very light grey. They're there, but they're on a spectrum. This is how I see most things in life, and D/s is no exception.

This post is not meant to explain all the differences between boys and slaves. As with everything in life (ah, here is my grey thinking) it all comes down to the people involved and how it works for them.

But for us? Definitely my boy, definitely not my slave. I am his Daddy, his mentor, his guide, his partner, but not his Master.

I think one of the key distinctions for us about this is that rather than control the boy's behaviour or life, I support him and encourage him to build his own. This doesn't mean that I don't tell him what to do a lot - on the contrary, he has a bed time and set gym times, and I can order him to do something at any time of day - but it does mean that I don't utilize that to its logical conclusion. I do not desire to do this for him, and I think even if I tried, he would resent it.

I do not tell my boy who he can socialize with or even when he can socialize. He is free to make his own connections with other people and to interact with them however he likes. Sometimes I will make suggestions, for example I have told him I would like him to attend the local submissive's munch when he can, but they are suggestions, not orders.

I encourage my boy to follow his heart and do what he loves. I do not seek to control that for him. I encourage him to work as he likes, play as he likes, see who he likes, experience life as he likes.

Were I to have a slave, this would not be the case.

In a slave I would expect to have rights over their life (within reason - some people's hard limits may involve things like "no removing me from my career" for example). I would have no qualms sending them to TAFE to learn skills that would be useful for me, modifying their bodies without asking (shaving heads, for example), or installing annoying protocols in their lives that I find arousing (not being allowed to use furniture, for example).

A part of me feels odd laying this out here on my blog for people to see, because the truth is that I'm a very flexible individual. I am open to most types of relationships with most types of people. I like that no two relationships are the same. I like being able to build a relationship from the inside, rather than going in with expectations.

But after a lot of self work in the last few months (well, last few years really!) I find myself in the position of actually seeking a slave. And it means that I have very clear ideas on where a slave differs from a boy - after all, I already have a boy.

What it does seem to come down to is the level of control and authority. While I have an enormous amount of control and authority over the boy, it is not total, nor would either of us wish it to be.

I do not seek to mould the boy into any particular type of person; rather, I seek to assist him in fulfilling his potential as who he is and who he desires to be.

That, dear readers, is a very important difference.

In a slave, I want near-total control and authority. But that doesn't mean I want a doormat, which I am finding means that I am having trouble finding suitable people. I want a slave who is stubborn and ambitious - the type of person who, while they do seek to be a slave, seeks to be the best possible slave they could be.

I'm looking for the elusive slave-minded person who thinks, "I won't settle for being locked in a cage all hours of the day, only used for sexual service. I can be so much more. I can be anything, I can be amazing. I can and will be the most impressive slave anyone has seen. People will compliment my Master on how incredible I am. Master will wonder how he ever did without me."

To be fair, I do actually already know someone who thinks like this - but he is one of my best friends, so that isn't going to work ;)

Eight Hours Leaves Me Sore

2010-04-06T13:10:00.002+10:00

At a local event on Sunday night, the boy and I were out for eight hours. I'm quite fucked now, unsurprisingly.

It was a really excellent night. We pooled money together with a couple of other people and bought two people at the slave auction, who we tied next to each other and four of us went around them beating them up a lot. It was amazing, and they totally won the masochistic lottery... having at two people beating on you at any given time, sometimes three? Winners all round. Both of them are total pain sluts too so we could go really hard on them which was a lot of fun. It's been so long since I had that much fun doing impact play - I've been a little off impact play the last year or so, it hasn't been worth the effort, but last night was totally awesome.

Then I tied up and suspended this gorgeous girl and it was one of the most enjoyable amazing suspensions I've ever done, we had this amazing chemistry. When I was initially tying her up she would lean back into me, and when she was up and I put my hand on hers to see if her hands needed to be untied (checking the temperature), she grabbed hold of my hand and entwined her fingers in mine. And at the end she kind of puddled against me on the floor and we cuddled for a little while.

I feel energized from it all, I think perhaps I haven't been getting enough BDSM in my life recently, which is a little odd considering I live D/s. But it can be very easy to let things slide a little, and considering my libido has been extremely high recently, probably not that weird that I've needed bigger doses than usual.

Sorry this entry isn't more interesting - I'm still recovering!

Snippet

2010-03-15T17:33:00.000+11:00

Boy: I need to get out of bed.

Myself: I can help you, if you want.

Boy: I don't like it when you help.

I tickled him until he got out of bed. :)

Marking Territory

2010-03-10T18:43:00.002+11:00

Let's talk about something much, much more fun.

Recently I gave my boy orders that once he has used up his current supplies, he is only to use scent-free deoderants, shower gels, aftershaves etc. My reasoning for this is that I'm rather like a dog - smell is extremely important to how I perceive the world.

And what do dogs do? That's right, they piss on things so that they're theirs. A dog can smell their own scent on something and know that it belongs to them.

Now, I'm not actually going to piss on the boy. Firstly, neither of us get particularly excited about watersports, secondly, I don't particularly like the smell of piss, and thirdly, it would be awkward sending him off into the world always smelling of piss.

But I'm still going to mark him with a scent. I'm either going to buy, or more likely I'm going to make, some kind of cologne/perfume. Then when I see him, I'm going to spray him with it. That way he'll smell good, and every time I smell his good-smelling-goodness, I will be reminded that he is mine, and he is wearing that scent for me.

The only hard part is actually picking a scent. I'm quite partial to things that smell like baking, or things that make me want to eat them, so I've been tossing up between vanilla or artificial strawberry. That way there's either delicious irony, or strawberry lollipops. Although it has been suggested to use both, which I might do, which may well end in the boy smelling like strawberry cupcakes.

I'll keep you updated. :)

Life and Death

2010-03-08T20:34:00.002+11:00

BDSM is dangerous, squeals the media.

BDSM is safe, squeals the kinksters.

The truth is that both are correct.

Last night, after performing suspension totally safely and without any hiccups for years, I had my first emergency.

It was nothing I did wrong. Everything went fine, until the bottom became overstimulated, perhaps a little motion-sick, and had an endorphin dump, and became nauseous, light-headed and dizzy.

When this happened, everything continued to go fine, in the sense that it was under control. A couple of wonderful bystanders helped hold the bottom while I cut the ropes and we lowered her to the floor. We cut the ropes off her, checked her responses, let her slowly recover before giving her some water and a cookie.

Fortunately, she was fine. All that was damaged was the rope I had to cut. But it reminds you, doesn't it?

There are risks to what we do. Sometimes, even if everyone involved does everything right, things go wrong. When they do, it's best to know what the hell you're doing... and also to know when you're over your head and need to call an ambulance.

In a sense, I'm grateful for last night, because it reminded me that I am paranoid about safety for a reason. My paranoia has almost certainly helped me avoid being the type of dominant that has frequent emergencies. And it also reminded me that there are risks to what we do... and that sometimes even if you do everything right, things might go wrong, so you had better be prepared.

Build it and they will come doesn't always work.

2010-03-06T13:51:00.003+11:00

I'm excited about an upcoming exclusive play party. It's being held at a very large, very awesome venue, later on this month. I've been trying to convince everyone eligible to come that they should, because it will be a great experience.

Whenever I try to convince friends to come to things I enjoy, the inevitable question is raised:

"Will there be any other queers there?"

At which point I need to shuffle awkwardly, say "Well I'll be there, and my boy, and I'm sure there will be at least a couple of others too..."

Queers (at least the type that people mean when they ask if queers will be there) aren't very common in the pansexual kink scene here in Melbourne. Sure, there's a handful of us who are at every event, but in the bigger picture... most of the kinky queers either stay in the dyke scene or the gay scene. The exceptions being, of course, bisexual & pansexual folk (who are often not welcome in the dyke/gay scene) and some transfolk (though many transfolk stay in the dyke/gay scene anyway... usually whichever one their assigned birth gender matches, unfortunately, because trans politics has a long way to go in the world).

And of course the question of "will queers be there" means "I only want to go if there are other queers".

Which is awkward. Because if queers aren't there, queers won't go, and if queers won't go, queers won't be there.

You can see the problem with this.

I really do wish that queers could handle the idea of trying out the pansexual scene, even just a couple of times, without worrying too hard that "it's full of straight people". Just come out and have fun. Bring a friend, that way you won't be alone with the scary heterosexuals.

I do understand the desire to be with other queers. I have it, too. But sometimes it's worth venturing outside the ghetto. You never know what you might find.

Rope

2010-02-22T21:26:00.003+11:00

I am a rope top. I flag grey on the left whenever I am flagging.

I am spiritually, emotionally, psychologically connected to everything I do. Rope is not unusual in that capacity.

But with rope...

Rope feels like the serpent swallowing its tail. Rope is the red string between lovers' pinkie fingers. Rope is strength and ugliness and beauty and it's a gladiator pacing in their cage as the crowd screams for blood.

Rope is an extension of me. Rope flows from me in ways that I cannot describe, ways that people do not believe until they see.

People see me when I use rope. They watch my hands and my face and they feel everything that is happening. People talk to me about my rope work more than anything else. People ask about my rope work more than anything else.

People ask to be beneath my rope, in my rope, between my rope... more than anything else.

Rope is my martial art, the one that has replaced karate.

Rope flows from my feet and my chest, rope gives me control over every situation. Rope is hard, soft.

There was a beautiful moment once, when I was to bind a submissive, and I had the choice between handcuffs or rope. After a moment's consideration, I chose the rope, because I knew it would be faster.

Rather than mess with buckles and keepers that are so delicate and precise, I throw my rope. Two seconds, bound arms behind the back. Safe, secure, and with more precision than I could ever wield a buckle.

I know my rope.

Tomorrow I have a suspension. Tonight I went over my rope, laid it out, ran my hands over it. Checked each and every part of it, so that it's ready for tomorrow.

I know my rope as intimately as my own body.

I know every piece. I know how long it is, just by looking at it, even in a messed up pile on the floor. I know how old it is, and who treated it, just by touching it. I know which pieces are are safe for suspension, and which pieces can only be used for simpler ties. I even know which piece was used on every body it has ever touched, whose body it was, where the rope lay.

I own a lot of very high quality rope. My rope collection alone runs my toybag value to about $900 Australian. I have amassed it over time, ever since I was eighteen years old.

I often wish I had less expensive tastes. My tastes run to hemp. There is nothing 'better' about hemp, or jute, or cotton, or nylon, or any type of rope. It is all about preference, and what speaks to you. I still remember picking up my first piece of hemp. It was love at first touch, and I knew nothing else would ever compare.

I still have my first piece of rope that was bought purely for bondage. I often wear it as a belt, keeping it with me at all times, so that I am always prepared. It is not hemp, it is a nylon rope, bright red in colour, ten meters long. I keep it braided in such a way that should I need to use it, I pull one of the 'threads' and it comes undone in a flash.

Rope is my soul.

Tools and Problem Solving

2010-01-30T12:43:00.003+11:00

A friend of mine was telling me about how not many people 'air their dirty laundry' about their relationships... this is of course people's right, but it has the side effect that no one has any examples of how to resolve issues in relationships. So I thought I would air a little dirty laundry here, and show you how we're fixing it.

So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.

Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.

Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.

My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.

So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.

Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.

For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.

Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".

Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.

Readiness

2010-01-16T01:06:00.002+11:00

Being ready is a complicated issue.

No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.

In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."

Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.

That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.

But who pushes us?

In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.

So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?

I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.

Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.

I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.

I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.

For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.

But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.

I miss being new.

I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.

But it's time to accept something: I am not new.

I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.

This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.

I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.

But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.

But I am ready.

I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.

I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.

Tell Me That I Have What It Takes

2010-01-06T20:59:00.003+11:00

Recently, via the wonderful "explore" feature on Google Reader, I stumbled across this fabulous post about struggle.

Just like Albert, many of us have the potential to accomplish great things, and will willingly struggle against obstacles time and time again.

We struggle because we believe the journey is worth it.

We struggle because we want to improve ourselves.

We struggle because we know we have what it takes.

This is very, very related to D/s relationships.

When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.

In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.

However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.

Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.

So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?

This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?

Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.

So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.

I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.

I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?

Happy New Year :)

2010-01-03T22:11:00.003+11:00

Welcome to 2010!

I don't really do resolutions, but if you do I wish you all the best with them :)

I look forward to being an even bigger pervert this year. More play, more variety in my play, workshops to run, people to meet, and loads of wonderful kinky sex to have. I want to get bigger this year, and I plan to do that.

In almost exactly a month, the boy and I will celebrate three years together. I'm looking forward to that :)

Building Family

2009-12-28T21:23:00.003+11:00

As I've mentioned previously, I am New Leather and I am aware of this fact. Not only am I aware of it, but I see it as an opportunity.

This does NOT mean that I do not have a great deal of respect and fascination in Old Leather and its traditions and ways.

I've always believed that while we can learn from history's mistakes, we can also learn from its victories. History is neither good nor bad - we can use the information that now have, thanks to history, to build a better present and future. The AIDS crisis of the 70s and 80s has taught us that safer sex really is the best option, for example... but that doesn't mean that we all use condoms all the time. Sometimes, when we have examined the risks and made an informed decision, we do without condoms. We go bareback. And that's okay.

The problems that many perceive as "not taking traditions seriously" or "not caring about our history" is that many people don't examine history before doing things. They do not learn from the past's mistakes and victories. They think they have it figured out by themselves.

Now, sometimes this is true, and sometimes this attitude can build glorious new things. But this type of thinking is the type that leads to "condoms aren't necessary". Carelessness.

The other way can be awkward as well - thinking we MUST do things a certain way because of tradition does not work for everyone. These are the people who know they are both free of STDs and/or not at risk of pregnancy, and do not eroticize safer sex (as I do), but simply use a condom every time because that's what you do. It doesn't hurt anyone, but what if they might enjoy bareback sex? They might never know!

I like informed consent. I like it in all things - sexual, psychological, medical, everything.

I like it in history, too. I learn about our history, I learn about traditions, I learn about protocols and I learn as much as I can about the way people make things work... so that I can make an informed decision about whether that particular thing will work for me.

I am rambling, as I tend to do in this blog sometimes. I will come to the point.

In the last few years, I have been learning as much as I can about Leather and Leather families and households. Partially because I am a huge nerd and I enjoy learning about these things, partially because I have come to identify as a Leather man... but also partially because I feel that a Leather family, a connected tribe who interact with each other via not just talk and love and BDSM and/or sex, but also through protocols and hierarchies, is something that I am increasingly and unavoidably attracted to.

I feel drawn to build my own Leather family.

That is a bold admission. Many Leather families are not born or built, they are joined, or at best they grow slowly. This isn't mutually exclusive with what I am looking to do, it's just that I am being conscious, mindful of what I am slowly building. I am watering the seed in my soul and my life, so that it may grow.

The boy is firmly at my heels on this subject, he too feels the growing desire/need for family.

Now, here's the thing. The way most Leather families work, are built, etc... it's not that I think they're bad or anything, but as they stand, they don't work for me. I'm seeking something... different.

As I have mentioned before, much of who I am is influenced by martial arts. There is no reason that a family that I may be the head of (beneath the late "real" head, I'd say, which would be my Sensei) would not also be influenced by this. This isn't even that far away from the origins of Leather - much of its protocols and traditions are rooted in the military.

But I find myself flandering a little. Learning as much as possible, poaching from many traditions, families, cultures, ways... and incorporating it all into myself, who I am, what I seek, what I offer....

It's very complicated!

It also takes a very long time. This is something I've been thinking about for a year (at least) now, and I am not actually closer to it appearing yet. It is still gestating, a new form, a new life, a new chapter... laying dormant in my mind, waiting to be born.

It will happen. I am patient.

In the meantime, I know that one thing that absolutely WILL be passed to those involved with me is the way I learned how to kneel and bow. It's quite simple and not that different to how most people naturally do it, but it carries so much meaning for me that being able to pass that on is intensely powerful.

Shifting the Dynamic

2009-12-16T12:25:00.003+11:00

I think I need to stop promising what I'm going to write about in my next post, because I'm clearly setting a precedent of not doing it. So, new year's resolution - never promise what my next post will be on my blog :)

After the collaring, my boy and I specifically decided not to set up any protocols right away because we were attending Lee Harrington's Rituals for D/s workshop a week or so later. We didn't want to set anything up just in case the workshop was life changing. No one wants to have to say "You know that thing I told you to do a week ago? Yeah don't do that anymore, do this." Not in such a small time frame.

The workshop was wonderful, and while it wasn't particularly life changing it did give me a few things to think about. If nothing else it reminded me of some very basic, very important things, for example, it is better to have ten rules implemented and enforced than four hundred rules that even the Dominant forgets about.

So far, we don't have any rituals or protocol that have been specifically introduced since the collaring. We have a few little rituals that are very casual and not formal - but these rituals have been there for a long time and have more to do with them growing organically rather than being implemented.

For example, the boy always asks me before he comes. I didn't ask him to start doing that, he started doing it of his own accord - and it has now become such a ritual that if he comes without asking or comes before I say he can, he gets in trouble. (Not the kind of trouble that involves punishment, but I feel pretty confident in saying that if I tell him he's a bad boy, he'll feel bad enough from that alone.) Although I admit we have both been so busy the last couple of months I did give him permission a while ago that he could come whenever he likes when we're apart.

To get off subject here a little and talk about that for a moment, orgasm control is one of my boy's biggest kinks. So I imagine he misses being told he can't come on his own, and I'll be revoking that privilege at some point in the near future. I know he gets very wriggly and happy when my words control whether or not he comes, and I imagine a lack of that is probably a little boring for him.

That's a hard thing to deal with, as a Sir. As much as I am in control, sometimes life gets in the way of what we love to do, as I'm sure you know. Parents, kids, work, school, moving house, all kinds of things. For us, recently my life has been very stressful as I'm reorganizing my living arrangements, and I had some interstate visitors, and I've been quite sick... anyway, the point is, life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes you need to dial D/s back a bit. And that's hard for me, not just because I love the control (don't get me wrong, I do) but because the boy loves the control, and I love the boy. I want him to feel that his needs are being met in this relationship, I want him to be having a good time, I want him to be happy.

A happy boy makes for a happier dynamic. So it's very hard for me to dial down things I know make my boy happy, no matter how necessary that dialing down is.

D/s is a feedback loop. We both need to be getting what we need out of the relationship for it to work. If my dominance is making him feel happy and at peace, then he is getting what he needs out of it to be a good boy, and when he is a good boy and serves me well, I feel happy and at peace. It's a big circle of goodness.

Anyway, to get back onto the initial subject of rituals, one thing that I have implemented is a bed time.

See, the boy has a habit of bumming around on the computer until it's quite late. This is not very useful for someone who works fulltime. He frequently does not get enough sleep and is often complaining about being tired, even on the weekends, because he does not care for his sleep schedule. Left to his own devices, he used to only sleep six hours a night! For my boy, this is not enough (of course how much sleep is good for us varies from person to person). The boy needs at least eight hours sleep every night for him not to be always tired.

So I implemented a bed time. I asked him what time he has to get up in the morning, and then I counted back. I seem to recall that ideally he'd be going to bed at 10:30 (I think that was because it would give him a half hour either of extra sleep, or a half hour of between-waking-and-sleeping time so he still got a full eight hours), however I realized quickly that would be impractical for him. So I set his bedtime for 11pm. He has to be IN BED and trying to sleep by 11, every work night. He can't start getting ready for bed at eleven. He has to be in bed by then.

The boy does not have insomnia, or any other sleep problems. He is just lazy about caring for his sleep. He gets into bed and falls right to sleep - which has been a source of mild, amused annoyance for me as I do suffer from insomnia and have to struggle constantly to keep my sleeping schedule functional.

Anyway, I am getting off topic again (clearly I am feeling wordy today, perhaps to make up for all the blog entries I've missed making over the last few weeks).

The last couple of nights, the boy has been half an hour later for bed time on one night, and five minutes later for bed time on another. Now here's where us D-types sometimes get stuck - what do I do about that?

It's easy to say "punish him!", but what does that mean? Punishment is a very tricky subject in D/s relationships. In scenes, punishment can be for fun or not, it doesn't matter. But in D/s... 'funishment' (that is, play that is presented as punishment) is not going to discourage an action.

But my boy is a pansy (this is not an insult, it simply means he is a beautiful, delicate flower). Pain (sudden or sharp) would certainly be a punishment, but does the punishment fit the crime? Is being late to bed really worth a beating, or ten strokes of the cane?

I don't think so.

So coming up with a punishment that fits the crime can be difficult. It has to be something not too bad, because he didn't disobey too badly (and there was no intent to disobey, which is important). It has to fit the person in question, and can be neither too lenient nor too strict.

It also has to not have associations set up elsewhere. My first thought was to make him spend his lost time (35 minutes) sorting rice grains, until I remembered that he uses a similar exercise to practice focus and meditation. I do not want him to consider focus and meditation a punishment! And I do not want him to think that his punishment is fun, either!

So, I thought about withdrawing affection and touch for 35 minutes. Certainly quite mean to my boy, who is very touch-focussed, but tolerable. However, how do you implement that? I considered corner time, however I quickly realized that being near him and not letting him touch me is something we do in play. It is a way I can tease him - so it immediately becomes a bad punishment, because it is something we do for fun.

But I followed the train of thought over to the cage. As you know, the boy loves the cage. He loves sleeping in it, he loves being it.

Suddenly I had a thought.

If I remove all the blankets and cushions from the cage, it becomes just that little bit uncomfortable. If I do not let the boy have any stimulation while he is in there, it also becomes that little bit more uncomfortable.

To put the boy in the cage in that way, for 35 minutes, one of two things will happen:

1) He will get bored. If this is the case, I think it's a suitable punishment.

2) He will go to sleep. If this is the case, he will be catching up on the sleep he was otherwise missing out on.

A win-win situation! Both of these options are a good consequence for missing bedtime.

So that is how this particular dominant goes about selecting a punishment. As you can see, it's a lot harder than most submissives think. :)

I'm a consumer whore!

2009-12-09T15:24:00.005+11:00

Fetlife always has wonderful giveaways around Christmastime, and this year is no exception :)

http://fetlife.com/sit_on_santas_lap

Personally I'm hoping Santa brings me a fucking machine.

Next post: my inner beast and how stifled it's been for the last three years.

Collaring

2009-12-08T15:17:00.003+11:00

On December 6, I officially collared my boy.

We've been D/s for a long time, so not much has changed... but the little that has means a lot to me, and will make me feel more secure and comfortable in our relationship.

We had a very casual ceremony at one of the local kink events, with many of our friends to witness it. It was a little awkward at first, I told the story of how we met and why we decided to change from vanilla boyfriends to Daddy and boy, and that we didn't plan the ceremony at all.

Oh, we spent hours talking and planning and thinking out the ceremony... but in the end, we decided that we have planned little else in our relationship, perhaps it would be best if we just improvised our ceremony as well.

We exchanged some words, talked about what this meant for us, and then I collared him. Honestly it was a little awkward and might have been better if we had planned it, but several of our friends were quite teary-eyed afterwards so it couldn't have been as bad as I had thought :)

My boy and I hugged and our friends applauded. Then my "best man" (a dear friend of mine whose job it was to hold the collar until I needed it and make sure I couldn't run away, as I am a bit of a commitment-phobe) bought me drink, and then we all stayed to play and have a good night out.

I played with the boy a couple of times, nothing too different or anything - I am saving rituals for a later point, which I am sure I will write about then - however he did start crying as I was flogging him, and he took a little while to recover from it. He's not very good at accessing his own emotions but I suspect he touched briefly up against a level of subspace that he is not familiar with.

It was good crying, though, and the fact that he did not safeword and it was my decision to stop and care for him bodes well for our future relationship.

It was a very small affair, and I can't say that I feel that different afterwards, or even that our relationship is any different now, but that is hardly the point. The point is that there is no wiggle room in this relationship any more. We are Daddy and boy, that is who we are, and we never have to stumble over our words when people ask, ever again.