It has been over a year since my last post here.
In some ways, not much has happened. In other ways, too much has happened.
I don't wish to go into details.
I will say that I am tired, and I no longer find joy in the BDSM, Kink or Leather scene.
I still find much joy in my D/s relationship with my boy, and in play with him and others. But the community... does not bring me joy at this point in my life.
So I am hibernating.
It doesn't appear to be uncommon to drop out of the scene for a few years. Most kinky/Leather folks I know have had a period of their lives where they've dropped out and gone to live quietly in the suburbs for a while. So I suppose this is just my moment to experience that.
I'll be back, of course I will. This is a part of me.
But for now, I need some space.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Monday, January 9, 2017
Identity Questions
I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.
Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.
Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".
I am unable to attend events right now. I am unable to play much (at all) right now. I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.
What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community? What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?
I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much. Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these? What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?
Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.
The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person. I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship. I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions. Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.
I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship. Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness. When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking. I am telling. And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship. Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.
I structure his entire day. When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems). I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work. I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.
I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.
This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships. It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more. It's just life. Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.
The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.
This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas. And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness. And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.
However. I have particularly high standards. I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting. I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.
So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards. However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require. I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.
My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.
However, narrow standards are not low standards. If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.
So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning? Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.
Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me. I did not ask him to do that. I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way. He is the one that has improved.
But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved. I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle. In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.
What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?
Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.
Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".
I am unable to attend events right now. I am unable to play much (at all) right now. I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.
What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community? What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?
I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much. Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these? What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?
Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.
The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person. I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship. I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions. Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.
I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship. Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness. When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking. I am telling. And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship. Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.
I structure his entire day. When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems). I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work. I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.
I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.
This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships. It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more. It's just life. Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.
The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.
This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas. And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness. And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.
However. I have particularly high standards. I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting. I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.
So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards. However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require. I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.
My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.
However, narrow standards are not low standards. If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.
So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning? Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.
Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me. I did not ask him to do that. I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way. He is the one that has improved.
But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved. I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle. In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.
What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Gestating
Apparently the last time I posted here was in June. It's now October. That's a hell of a long wait. Sorry about that.
I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today. (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!) It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.
To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.
I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18. I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now. And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons. And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently. And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful. But something is still not sitting quite right.
Things change. People change. 13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s. There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.
I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one. I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are. I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that. So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change. It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.
But I feel different. I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting. There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.
But this is a transitional time. I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.
The other day, I tied up my boy at home. It felt odd. The rope didn't feel right. The energy wasn't right. That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one. To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed. It is not the right rope any more. The energy is all wrong.
I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying. Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope. It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that. But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.
What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers. And yet here we are.
And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds. I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me. This is a transition. Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right. They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be. But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.
I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet. I am still in the process. I am still in the middle of it all. I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.
I don't really know how to end this post. I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.
But I feel optimistic overall, I think. Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it. I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.
I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today. (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!) It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.
To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.
I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18. I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now. And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons. And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently. And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful. But something is still not sitting quite right.
Things change. People change. 13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s. There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.
I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one. I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are. I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that. So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change. It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.
But I feel different. I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting. There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.
But this is a transitional time. I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.
The other day, I tied up my boy at home. It felt odd. The rope didn't feel right. The energy wasn't right. That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one. To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed. It is not the right rope any more. The energy is all wrong.
I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying. Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope. It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that. But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.
What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers. And yet here we are.
And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds. I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me. This is a transition. Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right. They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be. But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.
I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet. I am still in the process. I am still in the middle of it all. I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.
I don't really know how to end this post. I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.
But I feel optimistic overall, I think. Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it. I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Here We Go Again
Wellp, serina broke up with me. Again.
It's not a bad breakup. It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal). I am sad about it, of course I am. But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.
I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs. She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that. I'm polite and gentle and stable. She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.
All very sensible. And I really, really do wish her the best.
Still sucks though.
I think that's all I'm going to write about it. I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know. There's not much else to say about it. Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.
It's not a bad breakup. It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal). I am sad about it, of course I am. But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.
I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs. She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that. I'm polite and gentle and stable. She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.
All very sensible. And I really, really do wish her the best.
Still sucks though.
I think that's all I'm going to write about it. I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know. There's not much else to say about it. Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Reconnecting
The past two years have been tough. I've written about them here somewhat. What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex. I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that. But they need brief mention for context.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Limited
I really hate being limited.
I am disabled, chronically ill. I'm on the more severe side of it. I spend most of my time on bedrest. My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.
In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much. I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.
In kink, sex and relationship terms however. Hoo boy. It pisses me off.
It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like". I mean, obviously that's a thing, too. But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.
I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.
I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have. My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.
But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun. I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice. But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it. If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have? But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.
It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this. This is 100% in my own damn head.
But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either. Relationships require attention to thrive. If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.
I'm not really sure what the answer is, here. I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.
I am disabled, chronically ill. I'm on the more severe side of it. I spend most of my time on bedrest. My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.
In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much. I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.
In kink, sex and relationship terms however. Hoo boy. It pisses me off.
It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like". I mean, obviously that's a thing, too. But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.
I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.
I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have. My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.
But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun. I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice. But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it. If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have? But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.
It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this. This is 100% in my own damn head.
But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either. Relationships require attention to thrive. If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.
I'm not really sure what the answer is, here. I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Return
After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Show Yourself to Me, Xan West's New Anthology
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Getting Back Into the Swing of Things
Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.
Long time no blog, once again. Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Long Time No Blog
Hello blog, sorry for the long time spent away.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Hooks!
So as you can probably guess from the silence on this blog, things have continued being not very exciting for me. That's going to change in a few months; we've grown jack of the suburbs and we're going to downsize and move back into the city. It'll be good for both of us for a lot of reasons, one of which being we'll be able to get back out to community events more often again.
But that's not what I'm here to write about today.
A couple of days ago I did a hook pull!
I did a quick google to try and find an easy page to link you to if you're not familiar with it, but I'm coming up pretty dry so I'll say this: on sunday, I had 6g hooks shoved through my back flesh that I then pulled against, for fun. Want to see a picture?
I'm not a masochist. I didn't do it for the pain rush or anything like that. I mostly did it "because I can", because it's something extraordinary, because I like having extraordinary experiences.
What went on in my head during it is mine and mine alone so I won't be going into that here. But it was a very interesting experience and nothing like I expected. I also came out of it thinking I might do it again, which surprised me - I thought I'd come out of it with a kind of "well it's off the bucket list now I'm never doing it again" attitude, but actually, I think I might.
Taking the sticky dressing off a very hair back the next day was infinitely more painful than anything involving the hooks, by the way. :p
But that's not what I'm here to write about today.
A couple of days ago I did a hook pull!
I did a quick google to try and find an easy page to link you to if you're not familiar with it, but I'm coming up pretty dry so I'll say this: on sunday, I had 6g hooks shoved through my back flesh that I then pulled against, for fun. Want to see a picture?
I'm not a masochist. I didn't do it for the pain rush or anything like that. I mostly did it "because I can", because it's something extraordinary, because I like having extraordinary experiences.
What went on in my head during it is mine and mine alone so I won't be going into that here. But it was a very interesting experience and nothing like I expected. I also came out of it thinking I might do it again, which surprised me - I thought I'd come out of it with a kind of "well it's off the bucket list now I'm never doing it again" attitude, but actually, I think I might.
Taking the sticky dressing off a very hair back the next day was infinitely more painful than anything involving the hooks, by the way. :p
Friday, May 23, 2014
Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing
Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about. My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Little Update
Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?
I've been puttering along. We had a big blood-family xmas here, then there was a death in boy's family so we had to travel for that, and there's been lots of smaller stresses popping up day to day. The last couple of months has been a bit busy.
I don't really have much to report, life has just been going on. I'm still mourning the loss of serina, though it's now low levels of mourning just in the back of my mind which is a good improvement.
Things have been quiet for us on the BDSM and D/s front. We've been "falling into vanilla land" a bit, to quote a friend of mine, but at the moment it feels okay for that.
Hopefully I will have something interesting to post about sometime soon - the good kind of interesting, though, do you hear me universe?
I've been puttering along. We had a big blood-family xmas here, then there was a death in boy's family so we had to travel for that, and there's been lots of smaller stresses popping up day to day. The last couple of months has been a bit busy.
I don't really have much to report, life has just been going on. I'm still mourning the loss of serina, though it's now low levels of mourning just in the back of my mind which is a good improvement.
Things have been quiet for us on the BDSM and D/s front. We've been "falling into vanilla land" a bit, to quote a friend of mine, but at the moment it feels okay for that.
Hopefully I will have something interesting to post about sometime soon - the good kind of interesting, though, do you hear me universe?
Friday, December 20, 2013
Mourning Pieces
It's been two months since my last post about serina and I parting ways, and I've been spending most of that time mourning, as I'm sure you understand.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Parting Ways
Ah, I've put off making this post for a couple of days, but now it's the last thing that needs doing before it's all "done" in my mind, so here it is.
Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.
As break ups go, it was a good one. No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned. Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now. So, we dissolved our contract.
Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:
Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email). The next day she came to my house so we could do so.
Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her. Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept. I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.
I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management. So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.
We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.
Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept. That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway. Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.
Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.
And that was it. Boy drove her home.
I am, to put it mildly, sad about it. It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well. But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.
The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this. I am not yet sure what I will do with it. At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it. If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage. I don't know yet.
So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy. He's upset about it too. We were a little family and now we have lost one.
Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.
As break ups go, it was a good one. No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned. Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now. So, we dissolved our contract.
Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:
Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email). The next day she came to my house so we could do so.
Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her. Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept. I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.
I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management. So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.
We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.
Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept. That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway. Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.
Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.
And that was it. Boy drove her home.
I am, to put it mildly, sad about it. It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well. But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.
The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this. I am not yet sure what I will do with it. At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it. If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage. I don't know yet.
So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy. He's upset about it too. We were a little family and now we have lost one.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Missing Cultural History
Ever since I first came into this life, there has been this hole inside me where my cultural history should be.
I am very young by Leather standards. Very, very young. I am 28 years old. I burst out onto the public kink scene the moment I turned 18, and so I've been around for a decade now, which means something in generic kink circles; but in Leather, it's not much. I am a baby.
I'm okay with that. We're all young and new in the beginning. I'm hardly concerned about that.
But this hole, this hole has been in me from the beginning. And I've spent the last--well, longer than ten years, I think I first started researching this life when I was 14. So I've spent the last 14 years, literally half my life, trying to learn about my cultural history. Trying to learn where people like me came from, what life was like for them, what the world looked like for people like me.
I collect lifestyle books. I collect queer history books. Unfortunately I'm not as rich as I'd like, so my collection is still quite small, only about one shelf of books. But I still collect them, it's my lifetime passion. I read them passionately, because every word makes me feel a little more connected to those who came before me.
Just before my most recent health crash, I sent a few messages to some of my personal elders, asking if sometime I could come have a cuppa and talk with them about their lives. Reading books is all well and good but it doesn't have the warmth and the earth of personal experiences.
I want to know my cultural history. I want to hear it. I want to hear what worked and what went wrong. I want to hear the heartbreak, I want to hear the ecstasy. I want to feel connected to the past, specifically the past of Australian Leather people. I want to save the history and the knowledge from disappearing from my generation, and those who come after me.
Yesterday I was reminded how important this is to me. The hole in my heart got a little smaller, and it hurt in that itchy way that healing wounds do.
As I hope my health continues to slowly improve, I need to try and get to those discussions. It's not just that I want to learn, want to know - I need to. I need that connection to my past, I need it like I need the air I breathe.
I am very young by Leather standards. Very, very young. I am 28 years old. I burst out onto the public kink scene the moment I turned 18, and so I've been around for a decade now, which means something in generic kink circles; but in Leather, it's not much. I am a baby.
I'm okay with that. We're all young and new in the beginning. I'm hardly concerned about that.
But this hole, this hole has been in me from the beginning. And I've spent the last--well, longer than ten years, I think I first started researching this life when I was 14. So I've spent the last 14 years, literally half my life, trying to learn about my cultural history. Trying to learn where people like me came from, what life was like for them, what the world looked like for people like me.
I collect lifestyle books. I collect queer history books. Unfortunately I'm not as rich as I'd like, so my collection is still quite small, only about one shelf of books. But I still collect them, it's my lifetime passion. I read them passionately, because every word makes me feel a little more connected to those who came before me.
Just before my most recent health crash, I sent a few messages to some of my personal elders, asking if sometime I could come have a cuppa and talk with them about their lives. Reading books is all well and good but it doesn't have the warmth and the earth of personal experiences.
I want to know my cultural history. I want to hear it. I want to hear what worked and what went wrong. I want to hear the heartbreak, I want to hear the ecstasy. I want to feel connected to the past, specifically the past of Australian Leather people. I want to save the history and the knowledge from disappearing from my generation, and those who come after me.
Yesterday I was reminded how important this is to me. The hole in my heart got a little smaller, and it hurt in that itchy way that healing wounds do.
As I hope my health continues to slowly improve, I need to try and get to those discussions. It's not just that I want to learn, want to know - I need to. I need that connection to my past, I need it like I need the air I breathe.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Still not much to update, but I missed you, blog.
Still rather ill. Not a lot has changed since my last entry - although my health does seem to be slowly on its way up, which is good. Now I just have to not go overboard and wreck it again, heh.
I can't remember if I blogged about this, but pet has another relationship at the moment. I allow her to have any vanilla sexual relationships that she wants, and while this started out that way... heh. Pet is one of those people who falls into relationships and honestly I was not particularly surprised when it happened.
She has had her boi for a few months or so now, they are exploring a power exchange dynamic where pet is the dominant. I'll refer to her boi here on my blog simply as q, hopefully that won't be too confusing.
Q is very new to D/s and BDSM, as far as I know this is the first time they have dabbled in it at all. Pet has learned a lot from me about how to slowly introducing things in relationships so that seems to be coming along well. They recently had their three month negotiation that I sat in on, so things are going well there.
It's an interesting thing, the chain of command. Because while I have no issue with my subs having their own subs, there are practical aspects to consider. I am high maintenance at the best of times, and at the end of the day if I'm your dominant, I come first. Simple as that. Any relationship that might interfere with that is not welcome.
Which isn't to say I'm draconian about it. I don't mind what my subs get up to when they're not directly interacting with me or following orders, as long as it is something of which I would approve. Every breath and action my subs take is somewhat of a reflection of me, and that means they need to be living up to my standards as much as possible. Unfortunately for them my standards get more draconian the more years they are involved with me, heh. :)
It's not difficult to have a submissive who has a submissive, but having a slave who has a submissive may well be so. I am however not particularly worried, everyone has been very clear about the chain of command and where everyone falls, and that takes about 6000% of the difficulty out of the situation.
Things are very early days and we will see how things go. Q has shown an interest in becoming part of the family unit as time goes on, which is a very positive sign for the future of their and pet's relationship.
I'm sorry if this post is a little disjointed or strange, I'm still quite ill and brainfoggy and so I'm not as articulate as I might normally be. I hope you're all doing well, readers. :)
I can't remember if I blogged about this, but pet has another relationship at the moment. I allow her to have any vanilla sexual relationships that she wants, and while this started out that way... heh. Pet is one of those people who falls into relationships and honestly I was not particularly surprised when it happened.
She has had her boi for a few months or so now, they are exploring a power exchange dynamic where pet is the dominant. I'll refer to her boi here on my blog simply as q, hopefully that won't be too confusing.
Q is very new to D/s and BDSM, as far as I know this is the first time they have dabbled in it at all. Pet has learned a lot from me about how to slowly introducing things in relationships so that seems to be coming along well. They recently had their three month negotiation that I sat in on, so things are going well there.
It's an interesting thing, the chain of command. Because while I have no issue with my subs having their own subs, there are practical aspects to consider. I am high maintenance at the best of times, and at the end of the day if I'm your dominant, I come first. Simple as that. Any relationship that might interfere with that is not welcome.
Which isn't to say I'm draconian about it. I don't mind what my subs get up to when they're not directly interacting with me or following orders, as long as it is something of which I would approve. Every breath and action my subs take is somewhat of a reflection of me, and that means they need to be living up to my standards as much as possible. Unfortunately for them my standards get more draconian the more years they are involved with me, heh. :)
It's not difficult to have a submissive who has a submissive, but having a slave who has a submissive may well be so. I am however not particularly worried, everyone has been very clear about the chain of command and where everyone falls, and that takes about 6000% of the difficulty out of the situation.
Things are very early days and we will see how things go. Q has shown an interest in becoming part of the family unit as time goes on, which is a very positive sign for the future of their and pet's relationship.
I'm sorry if this post is a little disjointed or strange, I'm still quite ill and brainfoggy and so I'm not as articulate as I might normally be. I hope you're all doing well, readers. :)
Monday, July 1, 2013
Nothing sexy to report.
My health has continued its downswing and everything is boring at the moment. So no matter how hard I want to write a blog post, I can neither think of anything to say nor can I just talk about life because the only interesting thing that's happened recently that isn't terrible is that we got a kitten.
(We called him Tribble.)
(We called him Tribble.)
Monday, May 27, 2013
Withholding
First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry. This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you. ♥
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)