The past two years have been tough. I've written about them here somewhat. What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex. I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that. But they need brief mention for context.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
Showing posts with label problem solving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label problem solving. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dom Frenzy
A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy. We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that. She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.
I don't. I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy. I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.
So I'm writing a post about it.
Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW. They want full control. They want a slave. They want a stable of slaves! They want to live like a roman emperor! They want to tear you apart and put you back together. They want to play three times a day. They want to do edge play, even if they're new! They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.
Like all mental states it looks different on different people. A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has! A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them. A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.
Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW. It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.
The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid. They think they can do things that they can't. They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave. They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside. They do risky play that they've had no training in.
Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).
So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?
Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point. Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.
Are you thinking about kink more than usual? Are you fantasizing more than usual? Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired? Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in? Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted? Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink? Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?
You might be in a frenzy.
Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences. Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.
So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want. Because that's not the case at all. The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.
So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:
First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's a growth spurt. You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.
Be patient. Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW. You don't need them now now now. You can wait. Trust me, all those things you want to do or have? They'll still be there when you get to them. Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up. Take it slow.
You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you. Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships? Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships. Got an interest in edge play? Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains. They'll probably be happy to share information with you. Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied. Go and research it. Meet people who do it. Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.
Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you. They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit. Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.
Think about things carefully. Before, after, during. Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times. Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.
If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen? Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?
* Watch porn. Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them. If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online. Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.
* Do more of the stuff you can already do. Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with. If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them. Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.
* Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you. Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions. Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).
However you deal with it, you'll be okay. Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine. And honestly? Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can. There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire. :)
I don't. I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy. I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.
So I'm writing a post about it.
Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW. They want full control. They want a slave. They want a stable of slaves! They want to live like a roman emperor! They want to tear you apart and put you back together. They want to play three times a day. They want to do edge play, even if they're new! They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.
Like all mental states it looks different on different people. A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has! A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them. A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.
Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW. It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.
The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid. They think they can do things that they can't. They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave. They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside. They do risky play that they've had no training in.
Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).
So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?
Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point. Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.
Are you thinking about kink more than usual? Are you fantasizing more than usual? Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired? Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in? Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted? Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink? Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?
You might be in a frenzy.
Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences. Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.
So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want. Because that's not the case at all. The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.
So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:
First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's a growth spurt. You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.
Be patient. Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW. You don't need them now now now. You can wait. Trust me, all those things you want to do or have? They'll still be there when you get to them. Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up. Take it slow.
You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you. Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships? Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships. Got an interest in edge play? Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains. They'll probably be happy to share information with you. Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied. Go and research it. Meet people who do it. Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.
Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you. They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit. Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.
Think about things carefully. Before, after, during. Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times. Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.
If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen? Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?
* Watch porn. Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them. If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online. Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.
* Do more of the stuff you can already do. Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with. If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them. Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.
* Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you. Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions. Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).
However you deal with it, you'll be okay. Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine. And honestly? Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can. There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Negotiation Tips: Give Examples
A quick note, this post is about D/s relationship negotiation, not BDSM play negotiation. There are similarities between the two of course but at their core they are quite fundamentally different.
Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future. And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it. Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it. There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.
After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip. First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.
Give examples.
Lots of them. Not just one or two.
Don't worry about "going too far". Because this is a negotiation. It's not set in stone. You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options. You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants. That's negotiating. Examples are hugely useful for this.
Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits". Explain what that might look like. Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat. Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though. Maybe you only want it when you're around. Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them. They might ask, do they get time off from your plan? Do they get exceptions? Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good? Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?
Don't just say, "no body modification". Think about and explore what that means. Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings? Probably not. But what about hair colour? What about clothing? That's modifying presentation. Are those okay?
Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property". Marking with what? Words? Symbols? Pictures? In what medium? Tattoos? Piercings? A collar? Branding? Sharpie-on-skin?
Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant". Jeez. What does respect mean? What does it look like? Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it? Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day? Bringing you coffee? Sitting at your feet? Never interrupting? What does "respect" look like, to you? What does it look like to them?
The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far. You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.
For example (heh):
Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking. When she was on her own it was her decision. Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies. She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke. When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask? I said, send me a text. And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no". She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"? I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me. She was satisfied with that answer.
Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.
We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission? My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit. She submits only to me. And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us. For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine. If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.
I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously. :)
Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future. And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it. Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it. There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.
After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip. First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.
Give examples.
Lots of them. Not just one or two.
Don't worry about "going too far". Because this is a negotiation. It's not set in stone. You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options. You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants. That's negotiating. Examples are hugely useful for this.
Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits". Explain what that might look like. Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat. Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though. Maybe you only want it when you're around. Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them. They might ask, do they get time off from your plan? Do they get exceptions? Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good? Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?
Don't just say, "no body modification". Think about and explore what that means. Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings? Probably not. But what about hair colour? What about clothing? That's modifying presentation. Are those okay?
Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property". Marking with what? Words? Symbols? Pictures? In what medium? Tattoos? Piercings? A collar? Branding? Sharpie-on-skin?
Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant". Jeez. What does respect mean? What does it look like? Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it? Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day? Bringing you coffee? Sitting at your feet? Never interrupting? What does "respect" look like, to you? What does it look like to them?
The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far. You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.
For example (heh):
Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking. When she was on her own it was her decision. Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies. She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke. When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask? I said, send me a text. And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no". She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"? I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me. She was satisfied with that answer.
Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.
We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission? My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit. She submits only to me. And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us. For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine. If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.
I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously. :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Big Update
Hello, hello! Happy new year!
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Prattling On About Power Balances
It's been a while! Sorry about that.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Communication Comes In Little Bits Too
Tonight as I put the boy to bed, he asked me, "How is this living together thing working out for you?"
It caught me a little off guard, and I answered honestly that it's going really well, and that even though there are a couple of problems, they're not relationship problems, and they'll ease and sort themselves out fairly easily and soon, I think.
Boy often has to be coaxed into communicating, so I was very, very pleased to have him initiate something like this.
It also reminded me that the little strokes of communication are just as important as the big ones. I hadn't given much thought to the question until the boy asked it.
It caught me a little off guard, and I answered honestly that it's going really well, and that even though there are a couple of problems, they're not relationship problems, and they'll ease and sort themselves out fairly easily and soon, I think.
Boy often has to be coaxed into communicating, so I was very, very pleased to have him initiate something like this.
It also reminded me that the little strokes of communication are just as important as the big ones. I hadn't given much thought to the question until the boy asked it.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Laziness & Life Coaches
The boy has been struggling with laziness his whole life, from what he tells me. A bright boy from a young age, he was labelled as "gifted" as a child and thus began to learn the kinds of things that "gifted" kids learn. When I say that, I don't just mean advanced mathematics and such, but the social pressure and expectations that go with being "gifted".
He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.
It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.
The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.
It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.
One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.
So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)
So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.
Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.
So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:
* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.
* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.
* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.
I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.
Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.
He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.
It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.
The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.
It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.
One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.
So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)
So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.
Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.
So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:
* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.
* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.
* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.
I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.
Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
What happens when two very different people get into a relationship with each other.
Boy and I are very different people. Boy thrives under routine and structure, he excels when he has a direct path to follow. I, on the other hand, get depressed and anxious under structure, I need flexibility and spontaneity in my life in order to thrive.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Power Imbalances
So, boy is submissive and I am dominant. In short, I'm the boss.
But is it that simple?
I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.
One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.
I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.
At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.
Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.
Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.
So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.
What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.
But is it that simple?
I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.
One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.
I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.
At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.
Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.
Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.
So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.
What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ropey Pony
As you may remember, this year I had to cut rope off a bottom.
Since then I've been left with bundles of cut rope not quite long enough to salvage even for much shorter useful lengths. Due to being both a bit of a hippie and dirt poor, I abhor waste.
So I'm recycling.
I'm using this rope to construct a rope bridle for pony play. I'll probably use it to make a tail as well, and anything else that I can think of that can be made with what I have - which I'm sure will be something. I firmly believe that rope can do anything.
Since then I've been left with bundles of cut rope not quite long enough to salvage even for much shorter useful lengths. Due to being both a bit of a hippie and dirt poor, I abhor waste.
So I'm recycling.
I'm using this rope to construct a rope bridle for pony play. I'll probably use it to make a tail as well, and anything else that I can think of that can be made with what I have - which I'm sure will be something. I firmly believe that rope can do anything.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More Problem Solving
I've been thinking about what I said about airing dirty laundry and showing how we resolve things in relationships, and I think it's a valuable thing to do. So I'm going to do another post about it.
I'm going to talk about a recent thing, a only-a-couple-of-weeks-ago thing. It became a problem that we weren't playing.
See, things have been rough recently. A dear friend of mine had a huge problem and so I rushed to his rescue as much as I could. The boy has been working full time. My health has not been at its best. So of course, things slowed, and we hadn't been playing (or fucking, but I haven't been in the mood and the boy is on orgasm denial until further notice, so that's not as big of a deal).
I did my best to make it work. I tried to insert five minutes of play here and there, little bits and pieces to make sure we still had some playtime, even if it wasn't much.
Then we had a fight.
Now, when I say "fight", I should say, it doesn't look like most people's fights. When the boy and I fight, it's really more of a discussion. Not even a heated one. It seems to follow a formula.
The formula goes like this:
Person with problem (hence PWP): Hey [partner], I have a problem.
Other person (hence OP): Oh, really? What's wrong?
PWP: Well, I am having [this problem].
OP: Oh. That sucks.
PWP: Yes.
OP: Would you like to elaborate as much as you can on the problem, so I can understand it?
PWP: Yes, my problem is [longer explanation], and there are also these [details].
OP: Okay, let me see if I understand this problem. You are having this [problem, rephrased in OP's own words to express what OP has understood], as well as these [details, also rephrased in OP's own words]. Is that right?
PWP: Sort of, there are also [these issues that are related].
OP: Oh, I see! So there are also these [issues, that OP rephrases into what they understand]. Is that right?
PWP: Yes, that's about right.
OP: Well, [here is my take on this issue], and here are [the problems I am having with it]. Also I feel [this way] about this problem.
PWP: Yes, I feel [like this].
OP: All right, let's talk about how we can fix this. What do you need to resolve this problem?
PWP: I'm not sure, but I think [this] would help.
OP: All right, let's do [this]. Also I have [these suggestions].
PWP: Oh, I like [one of those suggestions]. Let's do that as well.
OP: All right! Also, I would feel better about all of this if [this concession] was made for me as well.
PWP: Yes, I think that's reasonable.
OP: Good! Is there anything else we need to figure out?
PWP: No, I feel that we have resolved this.
Obviously, when it is not a script on a page, it gets more complicated, and if it's a heavy issue there is often some crying. Sometimes I get angry, and I need to go for a brief walk before I am able to calm down and communicate about issues properly. Sometimes me or the boy is crying too hard, and needs to have a cry and a cuddle before we can communicate properly.
If you are familiar with the concept of 'fair fighting' in relationships, you might see a lot of similarities. This isn't because we intentionally try to follow the fair fighting 'rules'... it's just that this way of communicating works extremely fucking well.
So away from the script and back to the real life fight we had.
The boy needed more play. He said the little bits and pieces we were doing wasn't cutting it, and it felt like as soon as he got into it, we stopped.
I felt a little hurt by this, as I had been doing my best to make it all work.
So we talked the issue around in circles for a while, and for a while there it looked like there wasn't a solution. We've had that occur a few times in our fights and let me tell you, it is the scariest god damn feeling.
Anyway, part of the problem we discovered is that sometimes we have incompatible desires. Though we both have broad tastes, kink-wise, our favourite things do not tend to overlap. This can make getting into it difficult, as well as all the other problems (such as time and health etc).
So we worked out a compromise.
I committed to at least one half hour or longer block of solid play with him at least once a week. He also committed to trying some of my kinks that he's not into, but I'm not sure where that's going to go.
But about this commitment I made. I didn't want to make it, and the reason I'm telling you this is because there's something we don't talk about much in the sex positive world - sacrifice.
Now, admittedly, this isn't a big sacrifice. Oh no, I'll have to have loads of kinky fun with my boy, at least once a week? Terrible thing! But, I didn't want to commit to it - because doing so meant that I couldn't just go "oh I have a headache", it meant I couldn't not be in the mood all week, it meant... well, it meant a commitment. And commitment is scary.
I bring this up because this is a common problem in people's relationships. That of conflicting needs or desires, where someone might be required compromise.
I love my boy and I want us to work - and more importantly, I want us to be happy and fulfilled. And here's the important part when something like this comes up. You have to ask yourself: "Is my partner's happiness worth this?" "Is my relationship worth this?"
If it's a good relationship and your partner isn't asking much of you, there will be no hesitation in being able to say "yes, of course", and make the commitment, make the sacrifice, make the compromise.
We all need to get our needs met. But that goes for both people in the relationship. Not just them (making you codependent and unfulfilled) and not just you (making you selfish and leaving them unfulfilled). Both of you deserve to have your needs met and some of your wants met.
Also, to keep things in the relationship happy, I find that you can work compromise both ways - notice how above, I didn't just say I'd play with him once a week, but he also said he would try some things I'm into? If you feel you are sacrificing something, make sure you are getting something in return. If the relationship is good, it won't be difficult to work that out.
This turned into a very long post. But I really hope that you enjoyed it, and just maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
By the way, tomorrow is our three year anniversary. :)
I'm going to talk about a recent thing, a only-a-couple-of-weeks-ago thing. It became a problem that we weren't playing.
See, things have been rough recently. A dear friend of mine had a huge problem and so I rushed to his rescue as much as I could. The boy has been working full time. My health has not been at its best. So of course, things slowed, and we hadn't been playing (or fucking, but I haven't been in the mood and the boy is on orgasm denial until further notice, so that's not as big of a deal).
I did my best to make it work. I tried to insert five minutes of play here and there, little bits and pieces to make sure we still had some playtime, even if it wasn't much.
Then we had a fight.
Now, when I say "fight", I should say, it doesn't look like most people's fights. When the boy and I fight, it's really more of a discussion. Not even a heated one. It seems to follow a formula.
The formula goes like this:
Person with problem (hence PWP): Hey [partner], I have a problem.
Other person (hence OP): Oh, really? What's wrong?
PWP: Well, I am having [this problem].
OP: Oh. That sucks.
PWP: Yes.
OP: Would you like to elaborate as much as you can on the problem, so I can understand it?
PWP: Yes, my problem is [longer explanation], and there are also these [details].
OP: Okay, let me see if I understand this problem. You are having this [problem, rephrased in OP's own words to express what OP has understood], as well as these [details, also rephrased in OP's own words]. Is that right?
PWP: Sort of, there are also [these issues that are related].
OP: Oh, I see! So there are also these [issues, that OP rephrases into what they understand]. Is that right?
PWP: Yes, that's about right.
OP: Well, [here is my take on this issue], and here are [the problems I am having with it]. Also I feel [this way] about this problem.
PWP: Yes, I feel [like this].
OP: All right, let's talk about how we can fix this. What do you need to resolve this problem?
PWP: I'm not sure, but I think [this] would help.
OP: All right, let's do [this]. Also I have [these suggestions].
PWP: Oh, I like [one of those suggestions]. Let's do that as well.
OP: All right! Also, I would feel better about all of this if [this concession] was made for me as well.
PWP: Yes, I think that's reasonable.
OP: Good! Is there anything else we need to figure out?
PWP: No, I feel that we have resolved this.
Obviously, when it is not a script on a page, it gets more complicated, and if it's a heavy issue there is often some crying. Sometimes I get angry, and I need to go for a brief walk before I am able to calm down and communicate about issues properly. Sometimes me or the boy is crying too hard, and needs to have a cry and a cuddle before we can communicate properly.
If you are familiar with the concept of 'fair fighting' in relationships, you might see a lot of similarities. This isn't because we intentionally try to follow the fair fighting 'rules'... it's just that this way of communicating works extremely fucking well.
So away from the script and back to the real life fight we had.
The boy needed more play. He said the little bits and pieces we were doing wasn't cutting it, and it felt like as soon as he got into it, we stopped.
I felt a little hurt by this, as I had been doing my best to make it all work.
So we talked the issue around in circles for a while, and for a while there it looked like there wasn't a solution. We've had that occur a few times in our fights and let me tell you, it is the scariest god damn feeling.
Anyway, part of the problem we discovered is that sometimes we have incompatible desires. Though we both have broad tastes, kink-wise, our favourite things do not tend to overlap. This can make getting into it difficult, as well as all the other problems (such as time and health etc).
So we worked out a compromise.
I committed to at least one half hour or longer block of solid play with him at least once a week. He also committed to trying some of my kinks that he's not into, but I'm not sure where that's going to go.
But about this commitment I made. I didn't want to make it, and the reason I'm telling you this is because there's something we don't talk about much in the sex positive world - sacrifice.
Now, admittedly, this isn't a big sacrifice. Oh no, I'll have to have loads of kinky fun with my boy, at least once a week? Terrible thing! But, I didn't want to commit to it - because doing so meant that I couldn't just go "oh I have a headache", it meant I couldn't not be in the mood all week, it meant... well, it meant a commitment. And commitment is scary.
I bring this up because this is a common problem in people's relationships. That of conflicting needs or desires, where someone might be required compromise.
I love my boy and I want us to work - and more importantly, I want us to be happy and fulfilled. And here's the important part when something like this comes up. You have to ask yourself: "Is my partner's happiness worth this?" "Is my relationship worth this?"
If it's a good relationship and your partner isn't asking much of you, there will be no hesitation in being able to say "yes, of course", and make the commitment, make the sacrifice, make the compromise.
We all need to get our needs met. But that goes for both people in the relationship. Not just them (making you codependent and unfulfilled) and not just you (making you selfish and leaving them unfulfilled). Both of you deserve to have your needs met and some of your wants met.
Also, to keep things in the relationship happy, I find that you can work compromise both ways - notice how above, I didn't just say I'd play with him once a week, but he also said he would try some things I'm into? If you feel you are sacrificing something, make sure you are getting something in return. If the relationship is good, it won't be difficult to work that out.
This turned into a very long post. But I really hope that you enjoyed it, and just maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
By the way, tomorrow is our three year anniversary. :)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tools and Problem Solving
A friend of mine was telling me about how not many people 'air their dirty laundry' about their relationships... this is of course people's right, but it has the side effect that no one has any examples of how to resolve issues in relationships. So I thought I would air a little dirty laundry here, and show you how we're fixing it.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
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