Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Gestating

Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Dom Frenzy

A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy.  We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that.  She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.

I don't.  I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy.  I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.

So I'm writing a post about it.

Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW.  They want full control.  They want a slave.  They want a stable of slaves!  They want to live like a roman emperor!   They want to tear you apart and put you back together.  They want to play three times a day.  They want to do edge play, even if they're new!  They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.

Like all mental states it looks different on different people.  A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has!  A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them.  A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.

Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW.  It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.

The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid.  They think they can do things that they can't.  They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave.  They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside.  They do risky play that they've had no training in.

Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).

So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?

Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point.  Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.

Are you thinking about kink more than usual?  Are you fantasizing more than usual?  Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired?  Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in?  Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted?  Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink?  Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?

You might be in a frenzy.

Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences.  Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.

So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want.  Because that's not the case at all.  The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.

So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:

First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  It's a growth spurt.  You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.

Be patient.  Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW.  You don't need them now now now.  You can wait.  Trust me, all those things you want to do or have?  They'll still be there when you get to them.  Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up.  Take it slow.

You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you.  Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships?  Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships.  Got an interest in edge play?  Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains.  They'll probably be happy to share information with you.  Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied.  Go and research it.  Meet people who do it.  Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.

Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you.  They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit.  Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.

Think about things carefully.  Before, after, during.  Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times.  Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.

If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen?  Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?

*  Watch porn.  Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them.  If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online.  Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.

*  Do more of the stuff you can already do.  Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with.  If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them.  Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.

*  Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you.  Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions.  Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).

However you deal with it, you'll be okay.  Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine.  And honestly?  Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can.  There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire.  :)

An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.

Dojo Kun

This is a very personal entry and may not make a lot of sense to you, dear reader.  For which I apologise, but I need to talk this stuff out and I want to record it, and this is the best place for me to do so.

I've written about dojo kun before.  Loosely translated, it's "school rules".  It was... I want to describe it in a lot of ways, but all of them are somewhat lacking.  Rules, yes.  But more than that.  Philosophy.  A way to live.  A way to approach life and karate.

Those words will never leave my brain.  They're as etched into my soul as the symbol representing them is onto my back.

Respect others.
Be courageous.
Train in mind and body.
Practise daily, and protect traditional karate.
Strive to reach the essence of GoJu Ryu.
Never give up.

Big things are brewing in my spirit.  Dojo kun means more now than ever, even though the words are shifting in my mind.  Not changing, as such.  The original rules will always be oaths of mine.  But more... an inspiration.  To further oaths.  To further ways.  To further growth.

We Do This To Get Hard Anyway

Today I was flipping through my google documents when I found a stash of writings I had forgotten about.  They're a few years old now - maybe four or five years old?  But as I read them I found myself quite moved, both emotionally and sexually.

The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household.  To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.

I also found them very exciting.

There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual.  From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters.  If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you?  Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.

I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly.  I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.

But I do love some structure and ritual.  Yes I do.

Anyway, some of these writings I found?  I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.

But you know what?  I don't care.

Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard.  They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.

And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life.  But it's also something we do because it's hot.  We do this to get hard anyway.  Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable?  Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun?  What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?

To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self.  Because I like them.  Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.

Remembering, Becoming

I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.

Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.

I miss him so much.  He was so important to me.

But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was.  He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before.  He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.

I wish, every day, I could be more like him.

But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.

I'm having a moment of weakness tonight.  Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want.  Feeling like a failure.

Then I remember.

I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".

I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can".  I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.

I remember his pride in me.

I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.

I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me.  Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them.  Words that have shaped every moment of my life.

Never give up.

And then, I feel strong again.  Fragile still, yes.  Sad still, yes.  But strong.

Prattling On About Power Balances

It's been a while!  Sorry about that.

Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here.  I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.

Things with boy are going extremely well.  We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.

Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'.  She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here.  Things are good.  I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.

In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently.  I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy.  Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick.  So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.

Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries.  Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word?  I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.

It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.

Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head.  That's good.

Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose.  I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level.  For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous.  But I deal with it.  It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p

Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave.  It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love?  yes.  care?  yes.  both those things deeply and passionately?  yes, eventually.  But the right kind of love and care.  Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus.  At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".

I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship.  If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.

When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy.  These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.

And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back.  He is a very solid foundation for me.  His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.

This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life.  Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing.  I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted.  Reassured.

As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners.  This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.

Complications do not concern me.  I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.

Quick sexual/lifestyle frustration stream of consciousness post...

I adore my boy and everything he is and everything we have. Our dynamic is very much about support and service and thriving without struggle.

But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.

One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…

Covers

I've been thinking about covers a lot over the last few months. Even more so now that they've been buzzing about as both a topic and in a material sense in my local scene. First a few basics so you know what I'm talking about when I get to my actual thoughts.

A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.

Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.

So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.

In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.

Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.

As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.

I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.

Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.

I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.

It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.

A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.

I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.

What Do I Bring to the Table?

Boy recently wrote a very good blog entry about what he brings to the relationship. It was spawned due to a discussion that we were having about leadership and followership and what is valuable in a follower, and that sort of thing.

So I thought I'd do a companion post, and have a think about what I can (and do) offer those in my care. What do I bring to the relationship as a dominant?

(A quick note - this is not the time for humility, that would defeat the purpose of this exercise, so please bear with me as I put on my arrogance hat for a few minutes.)

* I'm very laid back and very flexible. This can be a flaw in a dominant, admittedly, but it can also be a strength. I am good at working with what I am given. I am good at adjusting things when they could be improved.

* I'm a very good cook and I enjoy cooking for people. It is one of my favourite ways to nurture and comfort people.

* I'm very good at organizing if given the chance, and given control of someone's schedule I will make them so damn efficient (and still include time for rest and recreation) they won't know what hit them. Similarly, I can organize for any fantasy someone wants to live out. I know how to translate fantasy to reality.

* I have a wide array of BDSM skills, some of which I am considered an expert in.

* I am a nerd for psychology and self development and thus am an excellent life coach. I am very good at coaxing introspection rather than projecting.

* I have good connections and basis in the BDSM and Leather communities (as well as the queer community and trans community(ies)). I love my communities and consider them an important part of my life; and thus try to contribute to them as much as I can. Involvement with me is almost automatically involvement in my communities.

* I'm a very caring and determined person; and thus, when I decide that I am in on something, when I make a promise, when I decide to invest my attention in a person or activity, I do it with my entire being.

* I am not judgemental; pretty much about anything. I find it very easy to accept things and move on if they are not to my taste or desire.

* I constantly strive to be a better person, to improve myself.

That's all I can think of at the moment. But it's a good start and a good exercise to do.

I wrote this entry over a couple of days, so I've pretty much run out of steam at this point. But this is an interesting idea and one I feel pretty confident that I will revisit in future posts.