Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.  I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.  D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.  Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.  And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.

Long Time No Blog

Hello blog, sorry for the long time spent away.

Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.

The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink.  My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded.  So kink has been on the backburner.

The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina.  It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly.  Intense maybe?  Attached?  Person.  I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.

And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.

And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.

We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through.  We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.

I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation.  Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think.  Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my  heart even if I'm not out going to things.

Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community.  It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing

Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about.  My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.

That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well.  So things are actually going pretty well.

So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM.  Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other.  From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.

It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first.  And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.

Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv.  Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other.  It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship.  It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.

Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit.  I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.

I also miss having a family unit.  Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard.  The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing.  But now... well.  There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.

I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually.  Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.

I'm back!

Oh boy, this last month has been a Thing.

I don't really want to talk about it, heh.  Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.

This last month or so has been awful for me, personally.  Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.

During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.

What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.

Boy has made me very proud this last month.  He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.

Pet on the other hand, well.  I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace.  I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.

It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe.  But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative.  Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means.  But it's something I've noticed.

I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually.  When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react?  Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder?  Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.

Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report.  Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks.  I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.

Generic Update

Nothing of particular importance to blog about right now, so some general "here's what's going on" sort of updates.

Boy and I are well.  I've noticed I've been talking about him less on this blog, and I'd like to reassure you that that's not a cause for concern. We've been together long enough now that there's not many surprises, and day to day stuff is just puttering along quite well.

He's very busy and so am I lately, and that's another reason there isn't much to talk about.  We're trying to get our shit together to make moving house in a month or two easier.

Things with pet are going well also.  We have been looking over our relationship and where it goes from here, and I am starting to put some thought into the practical aspects of moving from D/s to M/s, as that's a step we're looking to take fairly soon.  "Soon" in this case means anywhere from three months to a year - we don't have an exact timeline right now and that suits me fine.  We will talk about a firm timeline once a few headaches are out of the way - such as aforementioned me and boy moving house.

Since the move to M/s will include a lot of big changes, it needs a lot of thinking about and preparation.  I will be taking full responsibility for pet, including her living situation (she'll move in with boy and me), her money, her lifestyle, everything.  As it stands, I have the OPTION of enforcing control on many aspects of her life that I simply choose not to, but because it is optional it is not a responsibility.  Since moving to M/s involves shifting a lot of things from being allowed to control something to being responsible to control everything, that requires a lot of careful thought and preparation from me.

There's a lot of talk on the internet about preparing for slavery from the bottom side of the equation - being ready to give up on freedoms in things you like as well as the ones you don't, for example - but there's not enough talk about the preparations for the Master, when it comes to Ms.

Planning living arrangements for your slave - where will they sleep, what will they eat, basic things like that.  Planning financial arrangements for your slave - do they get pocket money, where do you allocate their resources for the good of the slave and the household, making sure there's an "escape fund" put aside for them, things like that.  Planning lifestyle arrangements for your slave - handling their study or career, their chores around the house, their social calendar.  Planning healthcare for your slave - making sure you're familiar and knowledgeable about their medical conditions and what they entail, planning health insurance (if you're unfortunate enough to live in America or another country without universal healthcare).

The thing is, one of the attractions of slavery is not having to worry about these things.  The slave can trust their Master to take care of them.  But that means, as a Master, that you need to be prepared to do that.

Mastery is paperwork.  More paperwork than you'd think.

So that's what I've been doing when it comes to pet, recently.  Thinking about the paperwork.  :)

I also have an interesting meeting coming soon with someone I may be taking on as a protege.  That's in a bit less than a week.  I'll keep you updated.

So things are good for me at the moment.  Busy and hectic and a little bit stressful, and not kinky enough, but good.  :)

Power Trip

The little thrills of power intoxication have started.  Just little ones.  Pet and I aren't far enough into this for me to get drunk on power just yet, but there are the small moments that warm my belly.

When I look at her septum piercing.  Knowing; I did that.  I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer.  That ring is mine.  That hole in her body is mine.  She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable.  My presence on her body is inescapable.

Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body.  She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).

I get that email and I feel warm.  She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed.  She is conscious of me.  I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body.  I am the all seeing eye.

She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house.  Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good.  Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me.  Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post.  Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it.  That makes me feel warm.

She is obeying.  Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.

Big Update

Hello, hello!  Happy new year!

I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it.  I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.

Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th.  Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.

Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified.  I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life).  It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility.  It's a sweet spot :)  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.

One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos.  It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.

I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing.  *shrugs*!

I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.

I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have.  My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers.  We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved.  We talk about rules and protocols and punishments.  For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.

But I feel good when I have these talks.  It lays everything out so there are no surprises.  It lowers the chances of drama.

And I don't mind taking so long with these things.  Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment.  I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.

The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy.  Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing.  As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship.  Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him.  So that is now also a part of our lives.

We will see how that pans out.  If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand.  Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.

There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about.  We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki!  It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours.  It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.

In short, things are good.  Busy, but good.  I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging.  Perhaps it will come in future posts.  :)

Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.

Freeing Up Time

Once again, I've been awfully busy.  I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so.  I also recently just performed this past week.

One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time.  They make it possible for me to take on creative projects.  If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.

It makes it possible for me to accomplish more.  Their support is vital to everything I do.  Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.

We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives.  We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.

The house runs smoothly these days, I must say.  Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life.  It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.

Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems

Or at least this one is.

My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick.  My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time.  So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.

It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.

It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch.  Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done.  It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization.  The house was without a manager for a few weeks.

It was enlightening!

I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are.  I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.

But apparently, I do a great deal!  It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.

It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position.  A house needs a head, a group needs a boss.  That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me.  I have a better appreciation for myself now.

Submissives Are Working Dogs

DISCLAIMER:  Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt.  When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that.  I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed.  Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!

This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.

I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now.  And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".

Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).

I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied.  Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked.  If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.

Submissives are frequently similar.

I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do.  They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best.  And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them.  They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".

This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way.  It's a human thing.  We all crave challenge and novelty.  We all crave validation of our worth.  We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be.  We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute.  We want to know that our existence makes a difference.

It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.

Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive.  For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable.  For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.

To get off the theory and into reality?  This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.

Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house.  When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before.  But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.

She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks.  It makes her feel happy and tired and content.  But importantly, it makes her feel useful.  She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.

At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do.  She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am.  But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).

And she's miserable.

Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do.  Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things.  She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her.  And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.

(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me.  Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)

I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.

A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home.  I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework.  And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!".  The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.

We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts.  Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need.  And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my 27th birthday!

I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.

Things are going well for me, and for my family.

Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit.  Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.

It's been very relieving for me.  For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.

Everything is going well.  Life is good.  Life will continue to get better.

Clarifications

Long time no blog, sorry about that!  I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.

Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.

For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation.  On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence.  On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own.  All up I was feeling very confused.

We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot.  As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.

This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money!  I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives.  So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them.  The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them.  I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.

In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance.  Then I will feel much more confident about all this.

Until then, however, it's about compromise.

An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

3am musings.

It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.

I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here.  At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.

Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment.  It's... interesting.  I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her.  Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense.  I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person.  Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy!  I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.

Regardless, I am getting used to her being here.  Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her.  Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.

Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room.  She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house.  I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel.  At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay.  There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times.  The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.

I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before.  Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that.  I feel like I miss him a lot right now.  I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well.  I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight.  I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.

In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days.  There is always something demanding my attention.  Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.

A moment in time worth recording.

It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.

Bad Days & Beat Downs

So a common thing I see owned subs and slaves write about is the feeling of coming home after a bad day, to feel much better once home and 'in their place' beneath their Master.  Today I feel like I saw a bit of that in action.

I've been bursting to play since about 3am last night.  So I had plans to play with pet when she came over after work.  During the day she made a blog post about how she was having a bad day, and felt pretty crappy.

When she came home, I played with her anyway (as is my prerogative).  For the first couple of minutes, she was very much not into it, even whimpering "please Sir no, please stop".  (Which is not a safeword :p).

After a couple of minutes, she went quiet, and then not long after that she started making very happy noises.

When we were done, she looked so serene and happy.  The transformation was incredible.  It was the first time I have seen, in person, that switch.  From feeling down and having a bad day to feeling content and comfortable at the feet of one's dominant.

It was a very special thing to witness, and it made me feel very warm and happy.

It also makes me very hopeful for the future.  I feel very right with this girl at my feet.  I feel very content and comfortable to have her there.  I think that bodes well for us.

Worthiness

So today I am thinking about worthiness.

We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that.  I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.

Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?

Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?

Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?

If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".

Realistically, that doesn't matter.  If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.

But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling.  I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.

This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself.  This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do.  This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.

For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?

I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes.  If that means pizza, then pizza it is.

But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea.  I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know.  I want to be reliable.  I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.

And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.

Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know?  But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.

It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?

This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to.  But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.

I am rambling.  Apologies.

There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us.  I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously.  If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.

So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".

I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that.  If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously.  And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.

My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant.  What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships.  Actions, not thoughts.

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.