The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.

Remembering, Becoming

I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.

Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.

I miss him so much.  He was so important to me.

But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was.  He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before.  He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.

I wish, every day, I could be more like him.

But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.

I'm having a moment of weakness tonight.  Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want.  Feeling like a failure.

Then I remember.

I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".

I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can".  I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.

I remember his pride in me.

I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.

I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me.  Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them.  Words that have shaped every moment of my life.

Never give up.

And then, I feel strong again.  Fragile still, yes.  Sad still, yes.  But strong.

Punishments

With some little rules the boy has, I don't feel like punishing every single time he breaks them would be productive. So we have a three strike system, for things like being in bed on time or starting to eat before I do.

He had his three strikes with the bed time rule recently, so he got ten strikes with the cane.

Normally I am against using play equipment for punishment within D/s relationships - after all, that stuff is the stuff we use for fun, it shouldn't be used as punishment, or it confuses everyone and can lead to breaking rules just for punishing.

But the thing is, that the boy is not a pain slut, and the boy does not like the cane already. So I don't feel that it's confusing to use the cane to punish him.

I tell you what though, it's hard to punish sometimes. Every stroke of the cane felt like I was thwacking my own heart. I am terribly soft hearted about the boy, I love him dearly and I don't like seeing him in pain or punished. Especially because he works so very hard to be the best boy he can be. So punishments for him end up being tests of my endurance as much as his.

Afterwards we had a cuddle and he sniffled that he doesn't like being punished, which REALLY DID NOT HELP MY BLEEDING HEART. But I then felt better we he continued, "made me hard though". :P

Laziness & Life Coaches

The boy has been struggling with laziness his whole life, from what he tells me. A bright boy from a young age, he was labelled as "gifted" as a child and thus began to learn the kinds of things that "gifted" kids learn. When I say that, I don't just mean advanced mathematics and such, but the social pressure and expectations that go with being "gifted".

He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.

It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.

The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.

It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.

One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.

So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)

So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.

Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.

So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:

* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.

* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.

* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.

I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.

Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.

Being Daddy

Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Daddy... or more specifically, what it means to be so much a Daddy that even people who have no D/s nor parental connection to you sometimes address you as Daddy.

Let's delve into history a bit.

First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.

And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.

Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.

My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.

Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.

Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.

These two things are connected.

For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.

I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.

So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.

(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)

Love, Pressure

Sometimes being a Daddy is a lot like being a father, I suppose.

Last night the boy was feeling upset and anxious, about what we're still not really sure (from what I could coax out of him, it had to do with dwelling on the past somewhat). So I let him have a night off from his curfew. I made him a cup of sleepy tea, gave him some blankets and let him curl up on the couch with me while we watched a Shrek movie. Eventually he felt a little better, so I tucked him back into bed.

Things like that, I don't really feel like they're D/s things at the time, they're just relationship things... and I think that's true, but I think that being in a D/s relationship means that they are D/s things as well. I cuddle and look after my boy because he's my boy, I'm his Daddy, and that's my responsibility.

In the last couple of weeks the boy has been making noises about starting to date again, something that I've been encouraging. He's been feeling more and more toppy recently, and thus needs a sub to play with. One of the things stopping him however is that he isn't really sure what he's looking for - whether he's looking for a relationship or just someone to play with, that sort of thing.

I've been doing what this Daddy does best and asking lots of hard questions to get him to think. Sometimes he gets grumpy and hides under a blanket, insisting that he's hiding from the hardness of all the questions, but of course I chase him when he does this. It's not a case of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, it's about knowing how my boy ticks - and he doesn't think about things in advance, he's very much a go with the flow sort of person. And that's great, as long as you don't have any desires or plans that require thinking ahead.

Anyway, I am definitely encouraging his interest in dating and topping. For a few selfish reasons (I find the idea hot, of course there is something potent about being the top of another top), but also because the boy is innately a switch, and thus I want all sides of him to be well developed and cared for.

Readiness

Being ready is a complicated issue.

No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.

In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."

Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.

That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.

But who pushes us?

In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.

So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?

I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.

Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.

I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.

I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.

For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.

But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.

I miss being new.

I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.

But it's time to accept something: I am not new.

I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.

This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.

I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.

But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.

But I am ready.

I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.

I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.

Tell Me That I Have What It Takes

Recently, via the wonderful "explore" feature on Google Reader, I stumbled across this fabulous post about struggle.

Just like Albert, many of us have the potential to accomplish great things, and will willingly struggle against obstacles time and time again.

We struggle because we believe the journey is worth it.

We struggle because we want to improve ourselves.

We struggle because we know we have what it takes.

This is very, very related to D/s relationships.

When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.

In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.

However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.

Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.

So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?

This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?

Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.

So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.

I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.

I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?