Reconnecting

The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.  What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am, slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.  Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

Return

After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.

I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene.  When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink.  But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.

Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet.  It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people.  Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.

Never have I felt so at home.

I love kink.  I love Leather.  And I love the kink and Leather communities.  I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily.  It was a familial reunion.  So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other.  So much love for ourselves and our people.

I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing.  To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved.  To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.

It's good to be back.

Dom Frenzy

A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy.  We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that.  She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.

I don't.  I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy.  I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.

So I'm writing a post about it.

Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW.  They want full control.  They want a slave.  They want a stable of slaves!  They want to live like a roman emperor!   They want to tear you apart and put you back together.  They want to play three times a day.  They want to do edge play, even if they're new!  They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.

Like all mental states it looks different on different people.  A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has!  A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them.  A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.

Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW.  It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.

The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid.  They think they can do things that they can't.  They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave.  They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside.  They do risky play that they've had no training in.

Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).

So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?

Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point.  Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.

Are you thinking about kink more than usual?  Are you fantasizing more than usual?  Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired?  Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in?  Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted?  Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink?  Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?

You might be in a frenzy.

Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences.  Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.

So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want.  Because that's not the case at all.  The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.

So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:

First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  It's a growth spurt.  You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.

Be patient.  Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW.  You don't need them now now now.  You can wait.  Trust me, all those things you want to do or have?  They'll still be there when you get to them.  Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up.  Take it slow.

You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you.  Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships?  Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships.  Got an interest in edge play?  Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains.  They'll probably be happy to share information with you.  Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied.  Go and research it.  Meet people who do it.  Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.

Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you.  They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit.  Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.

Think about things carefully.  Before, after, during.  Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times.  Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.

If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen?  Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?

*  Watch porn.  Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them.  If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online.  Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.

*  Do more of the stuff you can already do.  Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with.  If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them.  Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.

*  Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you.  Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions.  Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).

However you deal with it, you'll be okay.  Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine.  And honestly?  Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can.  There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire.  :)

Power Trip

The little thrills of power intoxication have started.  Just little ones.  Pet and I aren't far enough into this for me to get drunk on power just yet, but there are the small moments that warm my belly.

When I look at her septum piercing.  Knowing; I did that.  I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer.  That ring is mine.  That hole in her body is mine.  She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable.  My presence on her body is inescapable.

Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body.  She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).

I get that email and I feel warm.  She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed.  She is conscious of me.  I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body.  I am the all seeing eye.

She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house.  Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good.  Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me.  Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post.  Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it.  That makes me feel warm.

She is obeying.  Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.

Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.

Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems

Or at least this one is.

My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick.  My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time.  So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.

It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.

It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch.  Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done.  It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization.  The house was without a manager for a few weeks.

It was enlightening!

I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are.  I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.

But apparently, I do a great deal!  It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.

It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position.  A house needs a head, a group needs a boss.  That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me.  I have a better appreciation for myself now.

Submissives Are Working Dogs

DISCLAIMER:  Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt.  When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that.  I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed.  Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!

This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.

I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now.  And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".

Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).

I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied.  Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked.  If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.

Submissives are frequently similar.

I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do.  They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best.  And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them.  They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".

This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way.  It's a human thing.  We all crave challenge and novelty.  We all crave validation of our worth.  We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be.  We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute.  We want to know that our existence makes a difference.

It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.

Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive.  For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable.  For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.

To get off the theory and into reality?  This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.

Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house.  When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before.  But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.

She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks.  It makes her feel happy and tired and content.  But importantly, it makes her feel useful.  She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.

At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do.  She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am.  But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).

And she's miserable.

Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do.  Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things.  She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her.  And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.

(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me.  Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)

I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.

A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home.  I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework.  And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!".  The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.

We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts.  Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need.  And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my 27th birthday!

I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.

Things are going well for me, and for my family.

Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit.  Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.

It's been very relieving for me.  For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.

Everything is going well.  Life is good.  Life will continue to get better.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive.  How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.

One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems).  They tend to move fast.

I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw.  That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.

But now, I am not so sure.  My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure.  Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions.  Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same).  Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.

Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships.  It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.

I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do.  Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can.  When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.

It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more.  I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".

Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream.  But I refrain.  Why?

Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters.  I'm not used to her being around.  I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else.  I'm still getting accustomed to it all.

But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end.  I never have been that sort of person.  I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in.  I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.

And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here.  I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well.  (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).

And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me.  It's about everyone involved with me.  And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.

Anyway back to the point.

I believe that my slow moving is a good thing.  It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.

M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line.  They are relationship experiences.  And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.

I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think.  Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself?  Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave?  Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave.  Who knows.  Maybe experience is the answer.  I don't know.

This is a very rambly post.  Sorry about that.

At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s.  So that means they need time to learn.  But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly.  It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship.  I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.

This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers.  I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.

An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

Bad Days & Beat Downs

So a common thing I see owned subs and slaves write about is the feeling of coming home after a bad day, to feel much better once home and 'in their place' beneath their Master.  Today I feel like I saw a bit of that in action.

I've been bursting to play since about 3am last night.  So I had plans to play with pet when she came over after work.  During the day she made a blog post about how she was having a bad day, and felt pretty crappy.

When she came home, I played with her anyway (as is my prerogative).  For the first couple of minutes, she was very much not into it, even whimpering "please Sir no, please stop".  (Which is not a safeword :p).

After a couple of minutes, she went quiet, and then not long after that she started making very happy noises.

When we were done, she looked so serene and happy.  The transformation was incredible.  It was the first time I have seen, in person, that switch.  From feeling down and having a bad day to feeling content and comfortable at the feet of one's dominant.

It was a very special thing to witness, and it made me feel very warm and happy.

It also makes me very hopeful for the future.  I feel very right with this girl at my feet.  I feel very content and comfortable to have her there.  I think that bodes well for us.

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.

Little Things

It pleases me very much when serina sits at my feet.  Especially in non-obviously-kinky circumstances, like when we're watching tv.  It always makes me smile to stroke her hair while she hugs my leg.

We Do This To Get Hard Anyway

Today I was flipping through my google documents when I found a stash of writings I had forgotten about.  They're a few years old now - maybe four or five years old?  But as I read them I found myself quite moved, both emotionally and sexually.

The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household.  To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.

I also found them very exciting.

There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual.  From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters.  If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you?  Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.

I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly.  I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.

But I do love some structure and ritual.  Yes I do.

Anyway, some of these writings I found?  I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.

But you know what?  I don't care.

Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard.  They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.

And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life.  But it's also something we do because it's hot.  We do this to get hard anyway.  Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable?  Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun?  What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?

To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self.  Because I like them.  Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.

New Things Polish Old Things

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me!  I ran a BDSM101 workshop for Melbourne University's Rad Sex & Consent Week, and it was tremendous fun.

One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people.  Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.

Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it.  Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing?  Is really fun and exciting!  I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.

It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people.  It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.

In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently.  So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.

It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion.  I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.

Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is.  Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well.  It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again.  This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.

It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good.  I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed.  The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do.  What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.

However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now.  Sigh.  Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.

What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health.  I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/

Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future.  :)

Big Weekend

Where to start where to start... and I just know I'm going to forget a lot of what I wanted to write about. Oh well.

Serina came round to spend the weekend here. It is good, we are becoming more comfortable around each other - or certainly, I am becoming more comfortable. Which is good. I'm sure she is at least a little frustrated with my slow pace, but, well... that pace is one of the reasons I am good at the things I am good at. She is accepting of it, fortunately. :)

We all (myself, boy, and serina) went out to a kink event on Saturday night - specifically Chains, which is a lovely low-stress, relaxed event held at a pub. We had dinner at the pub beforehand, and it was very lovely for me to sit at a table with my charges either side of me and enjoy a meal together.

Boy is having to adapt too, and he is also quite slow to adapt to new information, so I am being quite lenient with him as he learns. The biggest thing he's having trouble remembering is which side of me to be on.

I've posted before about how I prefer my submissive to be on my left, due to my particular martial arts experiences involving the lower grades being to the left of the higher grades. What I didn't write about in that post however, is that it's never really bothered me which side boy has been on.

I don't know why! But it honestly has never bothered me whether boy is to my left or my right, so we have never had a protocol in place for that before.

However, I have noticed that I definitely feel better with serina on my left.

So that I don't lose boy, when we are all together, now I find myself preferring him on my right, so I can have them either side of me. So boy is having to learn this. It will no doubt take a while for it to sink in, because we've been together for years and I've never had a preference for him before. But I feel confident he can rise to the challenge :p

It's also somewhat fitting I suppose, when I think of it my mind drifts towards the phrase "right hand man", and that's certainly what boy is for me. He is my sidekick, my second in command.

So after so long of not having a preference, I expected having one now to feel somewhat arbitrary, but honestly... it feels perfect. My boy is my right hand man, and he will stand to my right side.

Back to the event... serina and boy are slowly finding out how they interact with each other as well, which is interesting to watch - but I do find myself sighing much like a parent, and I suspect an occasional separation so they kids behave may become a thing. Heh.

I played with serina some, just a quick play because although we have played together before it was a couple of years ago now, and I needed to relearn her. Boy bought me a lovely new cane so I decided to try it out on her, and it's a wonderful little toy... it makes her do that little dance that people do when they get caned, ehehe.

It was good, to play with her and get a feel for her. She didn't mark though >:( despite some good thwaps with the cane. So she is coming with me to Provocation this Friday, and I have accepted the challenge of her flesh and I am going to make her wish she'd never been born. >:)

I also played with boy a bit, just tied him up in some decorative rope. Bondage is his favourite thing so he is very easy to please :p

I am working very hard to make sure boy doesn't feel neglected at all during this time. NRE happens in D/s relationships too and I am putting a lot of effort into being careful about how I handle it.

An interesting side effect from this whole thing - and it was something I discussed with boy as I was still negotiating with serina - is that given a submissive with whom the end goal is slavery, I am finding it easier to be bossier and stricter with boy, as well.

This is actually a very good thing because I do sometimes get a little too lenient with him. So the added sternness is a big benefit for him from this whole deal.

Something else interesting is that as boy put me to bed on Saturday night, he commented that since serina had come along, I had become much better at receiving service. This was something I hadn't noticed at all, but it makes a lot of sense because now I have two service-oriented submissives who get my attention, and that means I need to pay attention to making sure everyone gets things to do.

It's interesting for me, too, noting how many things I am not yet comfortable having serina do as service, and a couple of things that I've realized will always be boy's job regardless. For example, putting my shoes on? That is boy's job. That is a special ritual between us. Also a lot of things involving my room - I am very protective about my space, and boy is the only person aside from myself who is allowed in my bedroom. So lots of things are going to stay his job for as long as that is something I am feeling.

It is interesting and joyful to me how different my relations between me and boy or me and serina are. I am not seeking a stable of submissives who all act and think and look alike. I have very different ideas of what I want from each of them.

This will be a very interesting, and very fulfilling journey I feel. Not just between me and serina - but also for boy, and between me and boy. We have been together for some years now and our lives are entangled. Everything new that happens for one of us happens for both of us.

Under Consideration

Serina and I have started our three month period of consideration. On or around July 5th, we'll discuss how we're going and what will change and where we will go next.

It's very interesting, actually - my biggest concern about her has been and is that she is very fast to jump into things, whereas I am very slow. I suspected she was expecting more than has occurred, and some communication between us has shown this to be so.

For both of us, this is a very serious journey that we are both hoping will end in a total power exchange relationship. But I am so very, very acutely aware of what that means, and I know that for it to work we need to work up to it. We need to learn how we react and relate to each other, we need to make sure we are both thinking clearly before we commit to more than we can actually give.

So we are starting light. Slowly, ever so slowly, we will gradually increase what parts of her life and herself she is able to give me control over.

This also gives me time to get accustomed to spending energy on someone new, without burning out due to too much too soon. I am already responsible for myself and for my boy, adding a new life to that needs to be done slowly and carefully so that I don't snap and break down from pressure.

It also gives time for her partner to get accustomed to me being a part of her life without feeling like I am about to steal her away from her forever. It lets Serina and boy get accustomed to each other. It lets me get to know Serina's partner. The combining and expanding of families isn't a small thing to be rushed.

I know Serina wants so much more, and that's good, because I do too. But in time.

For now, I have changed her hair to something that pleases me, and I have set her a bedtime for when she is alone. In the time between seeing her, I will be thinking, and planning, and thinking some more. Working out my feelings. Working out my plans. Slowly we will increase my presence in her life, and slowly I will become used to receiving service from her. Also I will plot and plan terrible things to do to her.

All while balancing my relationship with boy and making sure his needs are cared for, and making sure that I remember to take time for myself as well.

I see a lot of talk on the internet about "under consideration", or the consideration period of D/s dating. A lot of people seem to think that it's a ridiculous idea and we should simply "call it what it is - dating".

I don't agree with this.

I get where they are coming from - the period of time between "we have met" and "we are now in a relationship" is usually called dating. It's the part where you get to know each other and get a feel for how you act around each other and how you fit into each other's lives.

But the thing is, for me, dating is something I do with vanilla partners. The consideration period is that part of getting to know each other for D/s partners.

I suppose, for a lot of people, it's irrelevant, as a lot of people are monogamous, and a lot of people see a D/s relationship and a vanilla romantic relationship as two parts of the same relationship. But that's not where I'm coming from.

I am not testing the waters with Serina in that way. I am testing the waters with her with a view towards her becoming my slave.

I am not dating her. I am considering her. And likewise, she is considering me, finding out if I am good for her.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Oh boy, blog, where do I even start.

Well, breakup wise, I am coping well. Sad, mourning, yes. But that's healthy. I'm having a little pity party at my place tonight, literally - I have some close friends coming around and we're going to drink and be merry. I may or may not talk about my feelings, but I feel that tonight will be the catalyst for me in terms of healing.

I am doing my best to be kind to myself. I'm succeeding. Clearly this is a thing that gets easier with practice. :)

In terms of the girl who has approached me - whose online handle is Serina so I think I'll stick with that in terms of what I call her on this blog - we spoke again this past week and discussed some options. I need a little extra time to mourn before I can take on a submissive, so we will speak again this coming Thursday.

But it is becoming clear to me that this is a thing that is happening, this is a change that is coming.

We've agreed to have a period of consideration of three months, where we can be D/s and see how well we work in those roles. After that, we'll see how we go. But we are both talking with a view to an eventual M/s relationship. If it all goes swimmingly, the fantasy-based-in-reality is that in a year, perhaps, we will move her into my house with me and the boy, and I will collar her.

Despite having been talking about this for a couple of weeks now and making plans very carefully that move very slowly but almost everyone's standards - this is all happening very fast for me. I'm a very slow person, I process things slowly and I make decisions with a lot of thought behind them.

I am trying to seize the day and all that without giving up my nature, which is to move slowly and carefully. I think that nature of mine is important and useful, especially when it comes to negotiating D/s relationships.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with that thought.

The coming three months will be interesting. It's going to be good though, not just to see how we work together, but this period of consideration is good for me as well - it gives me time to slowly get accustomed to expending energy on a new person. Which is something that I will take some time to get used to - after all, D/s wise, I have only had my boy for years now. I've learned to fill in time. Now I have to unlearn that a little, make my life a little more concise, so as to fit in the time to expend energy on a new person.

Huh, that was interesting. In a sentence I wrote and then deleted, I noticed that I seem to be struggling to type Serina's name with a capital letter. This is interesting because I've never particularly bought into the whole capitalization matters thing when it comes to D/s. Perhaps my feelings on that are changing.

Anyway.

Serina is very much interested in handing over control of as much as I am comfortable taking, it seems, and a sign of this is her desire to have me modify her. She is very adamant that at the very least I change her hair. I'm amused by this but it works well for me because that's something I am very interested in. So the first thing I will be doing once I officially place her under consideration is change her hair. :)

Scent Marking

Sorry for the absence! I've been very, very ill, unfortunately. But I am starting to get a hold of how to keep up with things, even if my health doesn't seem to be improving just yet.

Ages and ages ago I wrote about scent-marking. It took a long time but we finally got around to that.

Today we went to a perfumery to have a good whiff of the Demeter fragrances they stock. (Demeter has long been my favourite scent company.)

We smelled almost every bottle they had. After all what we were looking for had to fit a lot of criteria. It had to:

* Be something that *I* like the smell of
* Be something that *boy* likes the smell of
* Be something that speaks to us both on an emotional level

Oh boy, I had no idea how complicated this would get. As we went through the testers we quickly discovered that we both have almost opposite preferences in scents, and the few scents that we did both like did not speak to us emotionally.

In the end we did find something though.

I'm an *extremely* scent-oriented person. A long time ago, I used to wear Demeter's "Rain" fragrance almost all the time. It speaks to me very strongly. I, and those I was close to, quickly came to associate that scent with me. I stopped wearing it a few years ago, not for any particular reason... I just ran out of the scent and never got around to buying more.

Since we were at the perfumery anyway, boy wanted to buy me another bottle of it as a gift, which was very sweet of him. :)

As we compared and discussed all the other scents in terms of what we liked and also what spoke to us, it eventually became clear that Demeter's "Ocean" fragrance was going to be the choice. It is something we both find very pleasant to smell, and its notes are related, but not the same, as my "Rain" fragrance. So in this sense it is a fitting scent to mark the boy with as mine - related to me, similar, under my influence, but still different.

I can't speak for the boy, but on a personal level, because smell is such an important thing to me, it was very important that the scent we choose make me feel something deep inside, a growling sense of ownership in my gut. The "Ocean" scent gave me that feeling, so I was glad to settle on it.

Boy is presently in the shower, and when he gets out I will be having him kneel before me, and I will spray him gently once at the back of his neck and once at the front of his neck, marking him as my property and my family.

I am very happy about this. :)

Bird Cage Chastity Updates

The majority of this blog's google hits are related to chastity, often specifically about the Bird Cage Chastity Device. So I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

Boy's had the bird cage for about six months now. He hasn't been wearing it that whole time, sorry to disappoint.

Some great things about the bird cage include:

* It's visual appeal. I can't stress enough how much I like the look of the bird cage, much more than ANY other chastity device I've ever seen. It's lovely to look at, both just because it is and also because it looks like a cage, which psychologically works really well.

* Comfort. In the short term (and generally in the long term, but more on that in a moment) boy says that it's very comfortable.

* Metal. It's made of metal, which I like best, certainly better than plastic or silicone. Sure it means boy can't go through airport security with it on, but seriously, he doesn't fly for his job so how often is this going to be a concern really?

* Price. The bird cage is the cheapest chastity option I've seen that fits our requirements, and so far it's the best. Sometimes things aren't better just because they cost more. In fact, the boy's CB6000 broke with less than a year's usage. The bird cage has had no such glitches.

* Pinching - or more specifically, a lack thereof. The boy's foreskin suffers no accidental pinching while he's wearing the bird cage, unlike the CB6000.

* It's much easier to get on than a lot of other chastity devices.

I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of right now.

Some of the less great things about the bird cage:

* Abrasion. Some parts of the boy's genitals do get abraded and uncomfortable if he wears it for a few weeks. Silicone lube applied after every shower certainly slows this down, but doesn't stop it completely. This isn't necessarily a horrible thing about the bird cage - it's probably for the best to have a rest from chastity devices every few weeks anyway, so this forces that. On the down side, this forces that.

* Bulk. It is a little bulkier than most other chastity devices. I don't consider this a bad thing necessarily but apparently it does make the boy feel a little self conscious in some situations.

* A regular padlock doesn't sit quite right on it, the lock isn't thin enough or long enough or something, and so it tends to sit on its side. It still locks securely, there's no problem there, it just doesn't look asymmetrical. The lock that came WITH the cage sat just fine, but we have keyed alike locks for the cage and the boy's collar for ease of unlocking, and keeping only one key on the keyring.

So there you have it. It's an exceptionally good buy, especially for its price. I like it a lot better than some of the more expensive chastity devices. It does have its flaws, however. But don't let that stop you from buying one if you're considering it. It's one of the best purchases I've ever made.