First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry. This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you. ♥
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freeing Up Time
Once again, I've been awfully busy. I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so. I also recently just performed this past week.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems
Or at least this one is.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
An Email
One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people. ;P
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Worthiness
So today I am thinking about worthiness.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The Next Stage
So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.
We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals. So it's good. So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.
The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months. She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent. She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.
This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her. Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up. Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way. For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits. So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.
So anyway, yeah, that's good. We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period. For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.
I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.
One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her. For her, not much has changed. We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.
For me? I'm feeling a little cautious.
Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person. I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them. As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.
This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict". Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me. It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards. It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.
I don't know if I can articulate this very well. But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.
Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago. I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid. But he did so well, and he made me so proud. Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards. Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.
I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be. Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them. Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.
Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes. I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it. High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge. And I'm sure other people are like this too. Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given. Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.
The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance. But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat. And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same? Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals. It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.
...
... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though. Heh.
We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals. So it's good. So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.
The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months. She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent. She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.
This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her. Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up. Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way. For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits. So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.
So anyway, yeah, that's good. We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period. For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.
I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.
One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her. For her, not much has changed. We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.
For me? I'm feeling a little cautious.
Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person. I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them. As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.
This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict". Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me. It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards. It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.
I don't know if I can articulate this very well. But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.
Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago. I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid. But he did so well, and he made me so proud. Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards. Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.
I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be. Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them. Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.
Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes. I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it. High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge. And I'm sure other people are like this too. Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given. Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.
The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance. But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat. And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same? Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals. It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.
...
... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though. Heh.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Remembering, Becoming
I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Prattling On About Power Balances
It's been a while! Sorry about that.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
New Things Polish Old Things
It's been a busy couple of weeks for me! I ran a BDSM101 workshop for Melbourne University's Rad Sex & Consent Week, and it was tremendous fun.
One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people. Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.
Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it. Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing? Is really fun and exciting! I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.
It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people. It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.
In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently. So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.
It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion. I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.
Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is. Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well. It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again. This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.
It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good. I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed. The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do. What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.
However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now. Sigh. Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.
What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health. I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/
Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future. :)
One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people. Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.
Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it. Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing? Is really fun and exciting! I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.
It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people. It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.
In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently. So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.
It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion. I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.
Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is. Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well. It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again. This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.
It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good. I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed. The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do. What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.
However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now. Sigh. Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.
What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health. I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/
Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future. :)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Heating Up
Oh, I see the blogspot dashboard doohickey has a new look. Well on the bright side it looks like the changes are mostly cosmetic.
Anyway that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?
Where to start where to start.
Things with serina are going well. We continue to move slowly and carefully, and I am getting accustomed to spending energy on someone new, which is the hardest part for me.
One of the interesting things about seeing serina is that she is sort of a package deal - she has a girl herself, to whom she is Mummy (the D/s age play type of relationship, not an actual child). Ylatch is a very sweet girl and I've had the chance to spend some time with them both recently, and enjoyed it.
It will be interesting to see how that develops over time, as while it's very easy to say "well, I am not ylatch's dominant and there is no contract between us", the more power and authority that is exchanged between serina and I, the more that becomes a fuzzy line.
Not in a bad way - it's just one of those things that needs to be considered. It's not that I have any interest in dominating ylatch - HOWEVER, taking responsibility for serina is not an action done in a vacuum. I'm very aware and careful of how all this is affecting ylatch, because the last thing I want to do is worry her or hurt her.
As everything heats up and comes together, as much as we can talk details all we like, the reality is that as my family grows, as do my responsibilities in that family. If I am responsible for serina and serina is responsible for ylatch - it follows sensibly that I also have to consider my responsibilities towards ylatch. Even if those responsibilities are merely "serina must be able to maintain her relationship with ylatch", that is still a responsibility, and one that needs to be taken seriously.
I don't know how things will roll out. But I am aware that serina is a package deal. I am aware and okay with my family expanding to include ylatch, and I hope it does. I hope ylatch gets what SHE needs out of all this. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. As my responsibilities grow, my responsibility towards every individual involved - boy, serina, ylatch - grow as well.
I am okay with this. I wouldn't be a part of this lifestyle, I wouldn't be who I am, if I shied away from responsibilities.
Switches and hierarchies and families in Leather are complicated. This isn't a bad thing. It means we can work hard to create exactly the spaces and niches that we require. Everyone can get their needs met if we can all communicate and work together.
So! Serina. Let's talk about her for a bit.
For me it's clear that serina and I are coming from very different places in regards to all this - we want the same results, but we are coming from different experiences. Obviously I already knew that going in, but it's always different to know something intellectually and then to experience it.
Now I've written and deleted an attempt to explain it like five times now. Argh.
Serina is slowly becoming exposed to the realities of the things that she has been craving for years, and she is having very mixed feelings about it all, which is very normal. I am seeing her struggle and question herself, and it's somewhat frustrating that there's no real way for me to help that - she has to find her own conclusions for herself.
I am finding myself being very, very cautious with how much I push and how far, and to what end. I am trying to give her enough to struggle against - which I think she needs at this point - without pushing her to the point of frustration or desperation. I want her to feel challenged, but I don't want her, at any point, to feel like she is either incapable of what she is seeking, nor do I want her to feel that she is not valued, despite or because of her struggles.
She seems to be struggling somewhat with worth - when she is pushed to a dark place the first thing she seems to worry about is that I don't value her, that I only view her as a piece of meat. This is of course not true, but I think it says a lot about her head space on the subject. We have also discussed the fact that she seems to equate her value with being loved - and that is a struggle for her presently.
For me, I'm a very loving person, and I have a base level of love towards everyone. I don't always say it, though I often do. I have found myself not saying it to serina yet, because when she hears it, she won't be hearing "I love you as a person", she will be hearing "I love you on a deeply personal level". I'm very aware of this. I have told her that it will come - and I believe it will - but I have zero interest in lying to her about anything, least of all my feelings. So I will not say "I love you", until I know that I mean it, until I know that I can say it with the same weight that she will receive it.
For her I think this is a struggle to accept, though she does so. But it falls down a little when she ties her value to being loved - her mind plays tricks and says that if I don't love her, then I mustn't value her.
I think this is quite interesting in an academic way - a little concerning and upsetting in a personal way, but that's just how it is - but intellectually, it's interesting.
I value her very much and I am very pleased that she desires to submit to me. I value that more than I could ever express in words. I have literally been waiting and searching for years to find someone who has similar relationships goals to me, when it comes to M/s, to express an interest in submitting to me. But it is unconnected to love. Love is a separate entity from value, from appreciation. The love will come. It is already growing, which is good because it's a sign to me that we are on the right track, that we are moving strongly.
But she will have to be patient. I will not lie to her simply because it is something she wishes to hear.
I have so much more I could talk about, but this entry is already really long, so I think I will leave it here for now. I need to get some work done on some other things anyway.
But as for where I am presently? I'm feeling hectic, rushed, things are changing, things are shifting, there is so much going on in my head... but it's all good, and I feel very happy about what is to come.
Anyway that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?
Where to start where to start.
Things with serina are going well. We continue to move slowly and carefully, and I am getting accustomed to spending energy on someone new, which is the hardest part for me.
One of the interesting things about seeing serina is that she is sort of a package deal - she has a girl herself, to whom she is Mummy (the D/s age play type of relationship, not an actual child). Ylatch is a very sweet girl and I've had the chance to spend some time with them both recently, and enjoyed it.
It will be interesting to see how that develops over time, as while it's very easy to say "well, I am not ylatch's dominant and there is no contract between us", the more power and authority that is exchanged between serina and I, the more that becomes a fuzzy line.
Not in a bad way - it's just one of those things that needs to be considered. It's not that I have any interest in dominating ylatch - HOWEVER, taking responsibility for serina is not an action done in a vacuum. I'm very aware and careful of how all this is affecting ylatch, because the last thing I want to do is worry her or hurt her.
As everything heats up and comes together, as much as we can talk details all we like, the reality is that as my family grows, as do my responsibilities in that family. If I am responsible for serina and serina is responsible for ylatch - it follows sensibly that I also have to consider my responsibilities towards ylatch. Even if those responsibilities are merely "serina must be able to maintain her relationship with ylatch", that is still a responsibility, and one that needs to be taken seriously.
I don't know how things will roll out. But I am aware that serina is a package deal. I am aware and okay with my family expanding to include ylatch, and I hope it does. I hope ylatch gets what SHE needs out of all this. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. As my responsibilities grow, my responsibility towards every individual involved - boy, serina, ylatch - grow as well.
I am okay with this. I wouldn't be a part of this lifestyle, I wouldn't be who I am, if I shied away from responsibilities.
Switches and hierarchies and families in Leather are complicated. This isn't a bad thing. It means we can work hard to create exactly the spaces and niches that we require. Everyone can get their needs met if we can all communicate and work together.
So! Serina. Let's talk about her for a bit.
For me it's clear that serina and I are coming from very different places in regards to all this - we want the same results, but we are coming from different experiences. Obviously I already knew that going in, but it's always different to know something intellectually and then to experience it.
Now I've written and deleted an attempt to explain it like five times now. Argh.
Serina is slowly becoming exposed to the realities of the things that she has been craving for years, and she is having very mixed feelings about it all, which is very normal. I am seeing her struggle and question herself, and it's somewhat frustrating that there's no real way for me to help that - she has to find her own conclusions for herself.
I am finding myself being very, very cautious with how much I push and how far, and to what end. I am trying to give her enough to struggle against - which I think she needs at this point - without pushing her to the point of frustration or desperation. I want her to feel challenged, but I don't want her, at any point, to feel like she is either incapable of what she is seeking, nor do I want her to feel that she is not valued, despite or because of her struggles.
She seems to be struggling somewhat with worth - when she is pushed to a dark place the first thing she seems to worry about is that I don't value her, that I only view her as a piece of meat. This is of course not true, but I think it says a lot about her head space on the subject. We have also discussed the fact that she seems to equate her value with being loved - and that is a struggle for her presently.
For me, I'm a very loving person, and I have a base level of love towards everyone. I don't always say it, though I often do. I have found myself not saying it to serina yet, because when she hears it, she won't be hearing "I love you as a person", she will be hearing "I love you on a deeply personal level". I'm very aware of this. I have told her that it will come - and I believe it will - but I have zero interest in lying to her about anything, least of all my feelings. So I will not say "I love you", until I know that I mean it, until I know that I can say it with the same weight that she will receive it.
For her I think this is a struggle to accept, though she does so. But it falls down a little when she ties her value to being loved - her mind plays tricks and says that if I don't love her, then I mustn't value her.
I think this is quite interesting in an academic way - a little concerning and upsetting in a personal way, but that's just how it is - but intellectually, it's interesting.
I value her very much and I am very pleased that she desires to submit to me. I value that more than I could ever express in words. I have literally been waiting and searching for years to find someone who has similar relationships goals to me, when it comes to M/s, to express an interest in submitting to me. But it is unconnected to love. Love is a separate entity from value, from appreciation. The love will come. It is already growing, which is good because it's a sign to me that we are on the right track, that we are moving strongly.
But she will have to be patient. I will not lie to her simply because it is something she wishes to hear.
I have so much more I could talk about, but this entry is already really long, so I think I will leave it here for now. I need to get some work done on some other things anyway.
But as for where I am presently? I'm feeling hectic, rushed, things are changing, things are shifting, there is so much going on in my head... but it's all good, and I feel very happy about what is to come.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Hmm!
Now that I have a day to myself, some things are starting to sink in.
Which is good, because I am frequently a worry wart and I have been thinking so hard about making sure serina and I do this thing we're doing right and slowly and I have to be careful and think of my responsibility and be a responsible careful adult and blah blah blah.
But I also just had a moment, just now, where I felt the stuff I get out of it too. I felt the little shudder of a power trip stirring in the back of my mind.
And that's good. Because at the end of the day, that power trip is one of the major draws of being a dominant. :)
Which is good, because I am frequently a worry wart and I have been thinking so hard about making sure serina and I do this thing we're doing right and slowly and I have to be careful and think of my responsibility and be a responsible careful adult and blah blah blah.
But I also just had a moment, just now, where I felt the stuff I get out of it too. I felt the little shudder of a power trip stirring in the back of my mind.
And that's good. Because at the end of the day, that power trip is one of the major draws of being a dominant. :)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Under Consideration
Serina and I have started our three month period of consideration. On or around July 5th, we'll discuss how we're going and what will change and where we will go next.
It's very interesting, actually - my biggest concern about her has been and is that she is very fast to jump into things, whereas I am very slow. I suspected she was expecting more than has occurred, and some communication between us has shown this to be so.
For both of us, this is a very serious journey that we are both hoping will end in a total power exchange relationship. But I am so very, very acutely aware of what that means, and I know that for it to work we need to work up to it. We need to learn how we react and relate to each other, we need to make sure we are both thinking clearly before we commit to more than we can actually give.
So we are starting light. Slowly, ever so slowly, we will gradually increase what parts of her life and herself she is able to give me control over.
This also gives me time to get accustomed to spending energy on someone new, without burning out due to too much too soon. I am already responsible for myself and for my boy, adding a new life to that needs to be done slowly and carefully so that I don't snap and break down from pressure.
It also gives time for her partner to get accustomed to me being a part of her life without feeling like I am about to steal her away from her forever. It lets Serina and boy get accustomed to each other. It lets me get to know Serina's partner. The combining and expanding of families isn't a small thing to be rushed.
I know Serina wants so much more, and that's good, because I do too. But in time.
For now, I have changed her hair to something that pleases me, and I have set her a bedtime for when she is alone. In the time between seeing her, I will be thinking, and planning, and thinking some more. Working out my feelings. Working out my plans. Slowly we will increase my presence in her life, and slowly I will become used to receiving service from her. Also I will plot and plan terrible things to do to her.
All while balancing my relationship with boy and making sure his needs are cared for, and making sure that I remember to take time for myself as well.
I see a lot of talk on the internet about "under consideration", or the consideration period of D/s dating. A lot of people seem to think that it's a ridiculous idea and we should simply "call it what it is - dating".
I don't agree with this.
I get where they are coming from - the period of time between "we have met" and "we are now in a relationship" is usually called dating. It's the part where you get to know each other and get a feel for how you act around each other and how you fit into each other's lives.
But the thing is, for me, dating is something I do with vanilla partners. The consideration period is that part of getting to know each other for D/s partners.
I suppose, for a lot of people, it's irrelevant, as a lot of people are monogamous, and a lot of people see a D/s relationship and a vanilla romantic relationship as two parts of the same relationship. But that's not where I'm coming from.
I am not testing the waters with Serina in that way. I am testing the waters with her with a view towards her becoming my slave.
I am not dating her. I am considering her. And likewise, she is considering me, finding out if I am good for her.
It's very interesting, actually - my biggest concern about her has been and is that she is very fast to jump into things, whereas I am very slow. I suspected she was expecting more than has occurred, and some communication between us has shown this to be so.
For both of us, this is a very serious journey that we are both hoping will end in a total power exchange relationship. But I am so very, very acutely aware of what that means, and I know that for it to work we need to work up to it. We need to learn how we react and relate to each other, we need to make sure we are both thinking clearly before we commit to more than we can actually give.
So we are starting light. Slowly, ever so slowly, we will gradually increase what parts of her life and herself she is able to give me control over.
This also gives me time to get accustomed to spending energy on someone new, without burning out due to too much too soon. I am already responsible for myself and for my boy, adding a new life to that needs to be done slowly and carefully so that I don't snap and break down from pressure.
It also gives time for her partner to get accustomed to me being a part of her life without feeling like I am about to steal her away from her forever. It lets Serina and boy get accustomed to each other. It lets me get to know Serina's partner. The combining and expanding of families isn't a small thing to be rushed.
I know Serina wants so much more, and that's good, because I do too. But in time.
For now, I have changed her hair to something that pleases me, and I have set her a bedtime for when she is alone. In the time between seeing her, I will be thinking, and planning, and thinking some more. Working out my feelings. Working out my plans. Slowly we will increase my presence in her life, and slowly I will become used to receiving service from her. Also I will plot and plan terrible things to do to her.
All while balancing my relationship with boy and making sure his needs are cared for, and making sure that I remember to take time for myself as well.
I see a lot of talk on the internet about "under consideration", or the consideration period of D/s dating. A lot of people seem to think that it's a ridiculous idea and we should simply "call it what it is - dating".
I don't agree with this.
I get where they are coming from - the period of time between "we have met" and "we are now in a relationship" is usually called dating. It's the part where you get to know each other and get a feel for how you act around each other and how you fit into each other's lives.
But the thing is, for me, dating is something I do with vanilla partners. The consideration period is that part of getting to know each other for D/s partners.
I suppose, for a lot of people, it's irrelevant, as a lot of people are monogamous, and a lot of people see a D/s relationship and a vanilla romantic relationship as two parts of the same relationship. But that's not where I'm coming from.
I am not testing the waters with Serina in that way. I am testing the waters with her with a view towards her becoming my slave.
I am not dating her. I am considering her. And likewise, she is considering me, finding out if I am good for her.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Reflection on Responsibility towards Community
So, this girl who has approached me (I should give her a nickname for this blog, but I'm too tired of think one right now - next post maybe) has been back reading this blog, which I think is a great idea. It's also inspired me to do my own back reading of my blog.
It's been... illuminating.
What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.
When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.
I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.
In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.
I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.
But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.
I do my best. I always will.
It's been... illuminating.
What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.
When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.
I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.
In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.
I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.
But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.
I do my best. I always will.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
On Earning Leather
I had the realization recently, as I discussed things with my boy over dinner one night, that I'm not sure I will ever buy myself more leather.
Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.
My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.
My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.
Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?
If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.
If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.
So my vest has incredible meaning for me.
The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.
Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.
But for me?
For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.
And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.
These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.
What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.
I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.
My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.
Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.
My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.
My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.
Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?
If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.
If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.
So my vest has incredible meaning for me.
The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.
Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.
But for me?
For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.
And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.
These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.
What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.
I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.
My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Burden of Leather
Last night's Melbourne Leather Dinner was very good, lots of good discussion.
There was some heavy discussion, particularly about HIV and the current soaring rates among young women, and about how my age group was not alive during the AIDS crisis and did not go through the heart wrenching days of funeral after funeral while the world just shrugged and was glad your people were dying. We talked about how the drag queens and the Leather community were the ones to look after those with HIV and AIDS, nursing them and caring for them when no one else would - about how that sort of thing was the burden of Leather. Caring for our people and looking out for them, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, is the burden of Leather.
A lot of the discussion was about how we don't want to push that burden onto people much anymore, as we want to bring new blood into Leather and we want to show people that it's here without scaring them off.
I was thinking about many of the young people I know, myself and my friends, and my friends of friends.
We weren't there for the AIDS crisis, but a lot of us know what it did, know what it meant. A lot of us are heavily invested in our history, we research our past and we listen to those that came before us. Yes, there are certainly (probably a majority of) young people who don't give a toss about the past, and those are the ones at the most risk. But there are a lot of us who are serious about remembering the mistakes of the past, and not repeating them. There are those of us who also turn our attention to the problems of today, without losing sight of what came before.
But I guess I want to reassure you, if you're older, that there are young people who care, we exist.
There are young people who don't mind the burden.
I am quite lucky (or perhaps just discerning) in that most of my friends are actively involved in caring for one another and trying to improve the world. We do everything we can.
Some things me and my young folk have been doing over the last year or two:
* Easing homelessness where we can by setting up new sharehouses and giving folks a couch or a spare room when they have nowhere to go.
* Setting up new social groups so people feel less isolated.
* Lobbying for changes in legislation.
* Helping each other move house, often out of toxic situations.
* Gentle, loving care to victims of hate crimes.
* Slowly reconfiguring what consent means and what we can do to make consent more meaningful and cut down on sexual assault and harassment.
* Choosing careers in nursing and aged care so that we can look after our own when no one else wants to.
* Choosing careers in law and medicine so that there are people with power who are sympathetic to our needs.
* Organized fundraisers for a variety of causes, all causes that no "respectable" organization wants to touch.
These are a small example of the things young people today are doing. All of these examples are coming from people I know, not just people I've heard about.
I know that the majority of young people aren't like this. Sure.
But I just want to promise you that there are young people who are willing, able, prepared to, and are already carrying the burden.
I just want to promise and reassure you that I, as a young person, am willing, able, prepared to, and am already carrying the burden. I have no plans to stop any time soon, and I doubt those I know do either. One day I won't be a young person anymore, but I'll still be happy to carry the burden.
We are your next generation, and we know that. There are those of us who are willing to not only live up to what you've left before us, but we will strive to improve the world even further.
There was some heavy discussion, particularly about HIV and the current soaring rates among young women, and about how my age group was not alive during the AIDS crisis and did not go through the heart wrenching days of funeral after funeral while the world just shrugged and was glad your people were dying. We talked about how the drag queens and the Leather community were the ones to look after those with HIV and AIDS, nursing them and caring for them when no one else would - about how that sort of thing was the burden of Leather. Caring for our people and looking out for them, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, is the burden of Leather.
A lot of the discussion was about how we don't want to push that burden onto people much anymore, as we want to bring new blood into Leather and we want to show people that it's here without scaring them off.
I was thinking about many of the young people I know, myself and my friends, and my friends of friends.
We weren't there for the AIDS crisis, but a lot of us know what it did, know what it meant. A lot of us are heavily invested in our history, we research our past and we listen to those that came before us. Yes, there are certainly (probably a majority of) young people who don't give a toss about the past, and those are the ones at the most risk. But there are a lot of us who are serious about remembering the mistakes of the past, and not repeating them. There are those of us who also turn our attention to the problems of today, without losing sight of what came before.
But I guess I want to reassure you, if you're older, that there are young people who care, we exist.
There are young people who don't mind the burden.
I am quite lucky (or perhaps just discerning) in that most of my friends are actively involved in caring for one another and trying to improve the world. We do everything we can.
Some things me and my young folk have been doing over the last year or two:
* Easing homelessness where we can by setting up new sharehouses and giving folks a couch or a spare room when they have nowhere to go.
* Setting up new social groups so people feel less isolated.
* Lobbying for changes in legislation.
* Helping each other move house, often out of toxic situations.
* Gentle, loving care to victims of hate crimes.
* Slowly reconfiguring what consent means and what we can do to make consent more meaningful and cut down on sexual assault and harassment.
* Choosing careers in nursing and aged care so that we can look after our own when no one else wants to.
* Choosing careers in law and medicine so that there are people with power who are sympathetic to our needs.
* Organized fundraisers for a variety of causes, all causes that no "respectable" organization wants to touch.
These are a small example of the things young people today are doing. All of these examples are coming from people I know, not just people I've heard about.
I know that the majority of young people aren't like this. Sure.
But I just want to promise you that there are young people who are willing, able, prepared to, and are already carrying the burden.
I just want to promise and reassure you that I, as a young person, am willing, able, prepared to, and am already carrying the burden. I have no plans to stop any time soon, and I doubt those I know do either. One day I won't be a young person anymore, but I'll still be happy to carry the burden.
We are your next generation, and we know that. There are those of us who are willing to not only live up to what you've left before us, but we will strive to improve the world even further.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Covers
I've been thinking about covers a lot over the last few months. Even more so now that they've been buzzing about as both a topic and in a material sense in my local scene. First a few basics so you know what I'm talking about when I get to my actual thoughts.
A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.
Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.
So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.
In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.
Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.
As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.
I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.
Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.
I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.
It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.
A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.
I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.
A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.
Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.
So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.
In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.
Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.
As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.
I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.
Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.
I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.
It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.
A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.
I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thoughts, Mostly about Hooked Up
Forgive a blathery sort of entry, I feel the need to think into text, but have little idea about the actual direction I'm heading.
My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.
I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.
It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.
I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.
I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.
Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.
So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.
Oh, where to begin.
When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.
No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.
It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.
But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.
When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.
At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.
And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.
There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.
And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).
I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".
Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.
Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.
And I was so terribly, terribly happy.
I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.
But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.
And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.
When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.
One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.
My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.
I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.
It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.
I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.
I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.
Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.
So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.
Oh, where to begin.
When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.
No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.
It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.
But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.
When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.
At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.
And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.
There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.
And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).
I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".
Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.
Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.
And I was so terribly, terribly happy.
I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.
But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.
And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.
When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.
One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Chores
I have made a decision. And more interestingly, I've made a decision that affects the boy without consulting him about it.
First, the decision - I've decided I'm going to hire a cleaner. Once a fortnight, perhaps once a week if I can afford it.
The reason is that while the boy is happy to do most of the chores around the house, it's clear that it's just that little bit too much for him to handle. It's making him cranky and eating all his spare time. And while he's got a handle on the stuff that he has no wriggle room for - his daily chores - the stuff that just need doing every so often isn't working out so well, even though we're sort of trying a system. It's clear that it's becoming a problem.
This is something boy and I talked about when we were in the process of moving in together. Being disabled, I can't do many chores, and I was hesitant to ask him to keep the house clean as his entire responsibility. This is because I was worried that he might come to resent it. He hasn't come to resent it, and he very much enjoys serving me... but all the cleaning is eating into his spare time, and it is eating into time he could be spending on improving his life, or at the very least, time he could be spending giving attention to me. :P
So while I know the boy doesn't mind doing all the chores himself, I'm no longer okay with it. I stress about it a lot, worry that he's going to start resenting me any second now, worry that he's pushing himself too hard, worry about everything. So I've decided to hire a cleaner.
It's a perfect solution, because it doesn't remove his daily chores, but it does ease up on all the other bits and pieces that stress me out and make his life harder.
Now normally, when you make a decision that affects someone, you talk to them about it. But I haven't mentioned this to boy yet. Partially because this was a decision I literally made overnight, and I haven't seen him yet since making it. (I will, of course, talk to him about it when he gets home from work.)
But the big reason is because this is non-negotiable, as far as I'm concerned. Him doing all the chores is upsetting me, and it's something that's easily fixed. I'm not going to ask him to put money towards it (though he is allowed to), and as I said, it doesn't affect his daily routines.
But it's something that has to happen, for me to be happy. So I could discuss it with him first, but the outcome is going to be the same. So I've just cut out the middle part and made the decision. We'll still talk about it, but unless he has some extremely impressive reason against it, it's going to happen.
Also, as his Daddy, and as head of this house... this exactly the kind of thing that I have the authority to make decisions about.
And you know, if for some strange reason this is a problem and we have a fight... well, we get to flex our conflict resolution skills, and I'll have something else to write about. :)
First, the decision - I've decided I'm going to hire a cleaner. Once a fortnight, perhaps once a week if I can afford it.
The reason is that while the boy is happy to do most of the chores around the house, it's clear that it's just that little bit too much for him to handle. It's making him cranky and eating all his spare time. And while he's got a handle on the stuff that he has no wriggle room for - his daily chores - the stuff that just need doing every so often isn't working out so well, even though we're sort of trying a system. It's clear that it's becoming a problem.
This is something boy and I talked about when we were in the process of moving in together. Being disabled, I can't do many chores, and I was hesitant to ask him to keep the house clean as his entire responsibility. This is because I was worried that he might come to resent it. He hasn't come to resent it, and he very much enjoys serving me... but all the cleaning is eating into his spare time, and it is eating into time he could be spending on improving his life, or at the very least, time he could be spending giving attention to me. :P
So while I know the boy doesn't mind doing all the chores himself, I'm no longer okay with it. I stress about it a lot, worry that he's going to start resenting me any second now, worry that he's pushing himself too hard, worry about everything. So I've decided to hire a cleaner.
It's a perfect solution, because it doesn't remove his daily chores, but it does ease up on all the other bits and pieces that stress me out and make his life harder.
Now normally, when you make a decision that affects someone, you talk to them about it. But I haven't mentioned this to boy yet. Partially because this was a decision I literally made overnight, and I haven't seen him yet since making it. (I will, of course, talk to him about it when he gets home from work.)
But the big reason is because this is non-negotiable, as far as I'm concerned. Him doing all the chores is upsetting me, and it's something that's easily fixed. I'm not going to ask him to put money towards it (though he is allowed to), and as I said, it doesn't affect his daily routines.
But it's something that has to happen, for me to be happy. So I could discuss it with him first, but the outcome is going to be the same. So I've just cut out the middle part and made the decision. We'll still talk about it, but unless he has some extremely impressive reason against it, it's going to happen.
Also, as his Daddy, and as head of this house... this exactly the kind of thing that I have the authority to make decisions about.
And you know, if for some strange reason this is a problem and we have a fight... well, we get to flex our conflict resolution skills, and I'll have something else to write about. :)
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