A quick note, this post is about D/s relationship negotiation, not BDSM play negotiation. There are similarities between the two of course but at their core they are quite fundamentally different.
Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future. And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it. Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it. There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.
After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip. First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.
Give examples.
Lots of them. Not just one or two.
Don't worry about "going too far". Because this is a negotiation. It's not set in stone. You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options. You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants. That's negotiating. Examples are hugely useful for this.
Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits". Explain what that might look like. Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat. Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though. Maybe you only want it when you're around. Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them. They might ask, do they get time off from your plan? Do they get exceptions? Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good? Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?
Don't just say, "no body modification". Think about and explore what that means. Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings? Probably not. But what about hair colour? What about clothing? That's modifying presentation. Are those okay?
Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property". Marking with what? Words? Symbols? Pictures? In what medium? Tattoos? Piercings? A collar? Branding? Sharpie-on-skin?
Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant". Jeez. What does respect mean? What does it look like? Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it? Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day? Bringing you coffee? Sitting at your feet? Never interrupting? What does "respect" look like, to you? What does it look like to them?
The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far. You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.
For example (heh):
Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking. When she was on her own it was her decision. Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies. She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke. When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask? I said, send me a text. And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no". She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"? I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me. She was satisfied with that answer.
Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.
We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission? My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit. She submits only to me. And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us. For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine. If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.
I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Power Trip
The little thrills of power intoxication have started. Just little ones. Pet and I aren't far enough into this for me to get drunk on power just yet, but there are the small moments that warm my belly.
When I look at her septum piercing. Knowing; I did that. I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer. That ring is mine. That hole in her body is mine. She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable. My presence on her body is inescapable.
Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body. She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).
I get that email and I feel warm. She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed. She is conscious of me. I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body. I am the all seeing eye.
She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house. Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good. Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me. Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post. Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it. That makes me feel warm.
She is obeying. Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.
When I look at her septum piercing. Knowing; I did that. I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer. That ring is mine. That hole in her body is mine. She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable. My presence on her body is inescapable.
Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body. She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).
I get that email and I feel warm. She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed. She is conscious of me. I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body. I am the all seeing eye.
She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house. Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good. Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me. Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post. Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it. That makes me feel warm.
She is obeying. Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Big Update
Hello, hello! Happy new year!
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freeing Up Time
Once again, I've been awfully busy. I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so. I also recently just performed this past week.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems
Or at least this one is.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my 27th birthday!
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive. How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.
One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems). They tend to move fast.
I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw. That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.
But now, I am not so sure. My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure. Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions. Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same). Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.
Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships. It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.
I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do. Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can. When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.
It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more. I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".
Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream. But I refrain. Why?
Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters. I'm not used to her being around. I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else. I'm still getting accustomed to it all.
But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end. I never have been that sort of person. I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in. I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.
And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here. I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well. (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).
And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me. It's about everyone involved with me. And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.
Anyway back to the point.
I believe that my slow moving is a good thing. It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.
M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line. They are relationship experiences. And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.
I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think. Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself? Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave? Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave. Who knows. Maybe experience is the answer. I don't know.
This is a very rambly post. Sorry about that.
At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s. So that means they need time to learn. But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly. It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship. I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.
This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers. I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.
I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.
One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems). They tend to move fast.
I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw. That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.
But now, I am not so sure. My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure. Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions. Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same). Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.
Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships. It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.
I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do. Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can. When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.
It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more. I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".
Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream. But I refrain. Why?
Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters. I'm not used to her being around. I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else. I'm still getting accustomed to it all.
But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end. I never have been that sort of person. I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in. I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.
And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here. I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well. (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).
And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me. It's about everyone involved with me. And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.
Anyway back to the point.
I believe that my slow moving is a good thing. It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.
M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line. They are relationship experiences. And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.
I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think. Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself? Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave? Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave. Who knows. Maybe experience is the answer. I don't know.
This is a very rambly post. Sorry about that.
At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s. So that means they need time to learn. But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly. It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship. I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.
This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers. I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.
I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Clarifications
Long time no blog, sorry about that! I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
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