Little Things

It pleases me very much when serina sits at my feet.  Especially in non-obviously-kinky circumstances, like when we're watching tv.  It always makes me smile to stroke her hair while she hugs my leg.

Generosity

I'm not feeling very articulate right now so I'm just going to copypaste the entry I wrote on fetlife just now:

~~~

Today I loaded up my computer and had a message from kim telling me someone has paid for me to attend 2 of Jack Rinella's workshops. She couldn't tell me who as they wanted to remain anonymous.

Dear Anonymous Benefactor: thank you so, so, so much. I don't think you realize how much this means to me. I can't express how grateful and touched I am. thank you so so so so so so so much.

The thing is that money's been really tight for me for... well, a long time. I'm on a pension, so it doesn't flow that great on a good day. But the last few months, because of a rent increase and a few other things, money for me has been... really, really tight. Once I've paid my living expenses I usually only have $20-$50 left over for all my disposable money for the fortnight. And that does usually go straight to the door charge for kink events.

It's not just this particular benefactor (although don't get me wrong, anonymous benefactor, I am so fucking touched I'm at risk of getting teary), either. The generosity of this community towards me over the years has been astounding.

I've been included in things where I couldn't afford to attend otherwise, through people's kindness.

I received a fetlife supportership from _alexandra_ just because she is kind and giving and amazing.

I've been invited around to so many people's homes and given food and comfort and love.

This week my car's battery died, and I had MistressKellie offer to buy me a new one, just like that.

And there's been so many other things over the years.

I always do my best to give as much as I can to people and my community but I will never come close to being even when it comes to generosity karma in this community. You people are all so kind and generous.

I just... thank you. Thank you, all of you. Thank you anonymous benefactor.

It's been a rough week for me for a lot of reasons and the incredible kindness and generosity of this community has made me feel so much better about everything. You are all always there for me in a way no other community on earth has ever been.

Thank you. You are so wonderful.

Service and Chores and Learning Oh My

So remember how ages ago now I decided I was going to hire a cleaner?

Serina is very service-focussed and it's been interesting watching us grapple with that.  Because I am bad at receiving service like housework, in fact that's one of the reasons why I hired a cleaner in the first place (that and the fact boy just doesn't have enough hours in the day to do everything).

I've been struggling with getting comfortable receiving service from serina.  It's taking time, because it's such a big thing for me.  It's strange because service is one of the things that most makes me feel loved, but at the same time, I have such a hard time receiving it.  And that's annoying, that is, because she feels best when she is serving, she feels useful and comfortable.

So we've been trying to work it out.  A couple of things have occurred.

The first is simply that I'm getting better.  I've been watching the way she flounders and feels awkward and jittery if she's not being useful.  Because of that, I'm learning that giving her tasks to do, giving her a way to give me service, really truly is a good thing for her and not putting her out at all.

The second is that for a month or two, serina is going nomad, so she can save money to move in with her girl.  She's storing her stuff here (it's not a lot of stuff, about a car load).  She wants to be able to pay us back, for lack of a better phrase, for being able to do that.

She asked me the other day if she could take over whatever cleaning duties the cleaner had.

And I said okay.

This is a pretty big deal for me.  But the fact is that I've seen the way serina feels strange if she's not being useful, and it sure helps that the cleaner is pretty expensive and not having to pay that money would be pretty great.  So I said okay.

So I'm learning.  I'm getting better at receiving.

Now I have the unenviable task of going around the house and writing a list of cleaning duties for serina, and then making sure she knows how to do them all.  But, well, good things don't come without cost I suppose. :p

Dojo Kun

This is a very personal entry and may not make a lot of sense to you, dear reader.  For which I apologise, but I need to talk this stuff out and I want to record it, and this is the best place for me to do so.

I've written about dojo kun before.  Loosely translated, it's "school rules".  It was... I want to describe it in a lot of ways, but all of them are somewhat lacking.  Rules, yes.  But more than that.  Philosophy.  A way to live.  A way to approach life and karate.

Those words will never leave my brain.  They're as etched into my soul as the symbol representing them is onto my back.

Respect others.
Be courageous.
Train in mind and body.
Practise daily, and protect traditional karate.
Strive to reach the essence of GoJu Ryu.
Never give up.

Big things are brewing in my spirit.  Dojo kun means more now than ever, even though the words are shifting in my mind.  Not changing, as such.  The original rules will always be oaths of mine.  But more... an inspiration.  To further oaths.  To further ways.  To further growth.

We Do This To Get Hard Anyway

Today I was flipping through my google documents when I found a stash of writings I had forgotten about.  They're a few years old now - maybe four or five years old?  But as I read them I found myself quite moved, both emotionally and sexually.

The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household.  To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.

I also found them very exciting.

There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual.  From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters.  If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you?  Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.

I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly.  I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.

But I do love some structure and ritual.  Yes I do.

Anyway, some of these writings I found?  I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.

But you know what?  I don't care.

Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard.  They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.

And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life.  But it's also something we do because it's hot.  We do this to get hard anyway.  Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable?  Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun?  What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?

To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self.  Because I like them.  Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.

Remembering, Becoming

I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.

Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.

I miss him so much.  He was so important to me.

But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was.  He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before.  He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.

I wish, every day, I could be more like him.

But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.

I'm having a moment of weakness tonight.  Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want.  Feeling like a failure.

Then I remember.

I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".

I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can".  I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.

I remember his pride in me.

I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.

I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me.  Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them.  Words that have shaped every moment of my life.

Never give up.

And then, I feel strong again.  Fragile still, yes.  Sad still, yes.  But strong.

Prattling On About Power Balances

It's been a while!  Sorry about that.

Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here.  I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.

Things with boy are going extremely well.  We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.

Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'.  She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here.  Things are good.  I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.

In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently.  I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy.  Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick.  So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.

Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries.  Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word?  I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.

It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.

Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head.  That's good.

Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose.  I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level.  For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous.  But I deal with it.  It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p

Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave.  It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love?  yes.  care?  yes.  both those things deeply and passionately?  yes, eventually.  But the right kind of love and care.  Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus.  At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".

I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship.  If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.

When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy.  These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.

And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back.  He is a very solid foundation for me.  His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.

This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life.  Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing.  I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted.  Reassured.

As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners.  This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.

Complications do not concern me.  I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.

Identity Crisis!

... well, not really ;)

I haven't done many rope suspensions in the last few months because I've been ill, or I've had other things to play with, and it seems people are starting to forget that suspension is my Thing(tm).

Anyway I miss rope a lot, and playing with it a little last night at Chains reminded me that it's my Thing(tm) for a reason.

Need to do more of it.  I feel at my best when I'm doing rope.

Now I just need to find more bunnies to do rope on.

This has been a boring short entry.  :)

New Things Polish Old Things

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me!  I ran a BDSM101 workshop for Melbourne University's Rad Sex & Consent Week, and it was tremendous fun.

One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people.  Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.

Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it.  Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing?  Is really fun and exciting!  I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.

It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people.  It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.

In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently.  So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.

It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion.  I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.

Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is.  Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well.  It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again.  This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.

It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good.  I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed.  The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do.  What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.

However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now.  Sigh.  Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.

What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health.  I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/

Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future.  :)

Heating Up

Oh, I see the blogspot dashboard doohickey has a new look. Well on the bright side it looks like the changes are mostly cosmetic.

Anyway that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?

Where to start where to start.

Things with serina are going well. We continue to move slowly and carefully, and I am getting accustomed to spending energy on someone new, which is the hardest part for me.

One of the interesting things about seeing serina is that she is sort of a package deal - she has a girl herself, to whom she is Mummy (the D/s age play type of relationship, not an actual child). Ylatch is a very sweet girl and I've had the chance to spend some time with them both recently, and enjoyed it.

It will be interesting to see how that develops over time, as while it's very easy to say "well, I am not ylatch's dominant and there is no contract between us", the more power and authority that is exchanged between serina and I, the more that becomes a fuzzy line.

Not in a bad way - it's just one of those things that needs to be considered. It's not that I have any interest in dominating ylatch - HOWEVER, taking responsibility for serina is not an action done in a vacuum. I'm very aware and careful of how all this is affecting ylatch, because the last thing I want to do is worry her or hurt her.

As everything heats up and comes together, as much as we can talk details all we like, the reality is that as my family grows, as do my responsibilities in that family. If I am responsible for serina and serina is responsible for ylatch - it follows sensibly that I also have to consider my responsibilities towards ylatch. Even if those responsibilities are merely "serina must be able to maintain her relationship with ylatch", that is still a responsibility, and one that needs to be taken seriously.

I don't know how things will roll out. But I am aware that serina is a package deal. I am aware and okay with my family expanding to include ylatch, and I hope it does. I hope ylatch gets what SHE needs out of all this. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. As my responsibilities grow, my responsibility towards every individual involved - boy, serina, ylatch - grow as well.

I am okay with this. I wouldn't be a part of this lifestyle, I wouldn't be who I am, if I shied away from responsibilities.

Switches and hierarchies and families in Leather are complicated. This isn't a bad thing. It means we can work hard to create exactly the spaces and niches that we require. Everyone can get their needs met if we can all communicate and work together.

So! Serina. Let's talk about her for a bit.

For me it's clear that serina and I are coming from very different places in regards to all this - we want the same results, but we are coming from different experiences. Obviously I already knew that going in, but it's always different to know something intellectually and then to experience it.

Now I've written and deleted an attempt to explain it like five times now. Argh.

Serina is slowly becoming exposed to the realities of the things that she has been craving for years, and she is having very mixed feelings about it all, which is very normal. I am seeing her struggle and question herself, and it's somewhat frustrating that there's no real way for me to help that - she has to find her own conclusions for herself.

I am finding myself being very, very cautious with how much I push and how far, and to what end. I am trying to give her enough to struggle against - which I think she needs at this point - without pushing her to the point of frustration or desperation. I want her to feel challenged, but I don't want her, at any point, to feel like she is either incapable of what she is seeking, nor do I want her to feel that she is not valued, despite or because of her struggles.

She seems to be struggling somewhat with worth - when she is pushed to a dark place the first thing she seems to worry about is that I don't value her, that I only view her as a piece of meat. This is of course not true, but I think it says a lot about her head space on the subject. We have also discussed the fact that she seems to equate her value with being loved - and that is a struggle for her presently.

For me, I'm a very loving person, and I have a base level of love towards everyone. I don't always say it, though I often do. I have found myself not saying it to serina yet, because when she hears it, she won't be hearing "I love you as a person", she will be hearing "I love you on a deeply personal level". I'm very aware of this. I have told her that it will come - and I believe it will - but I have zero interest in lying to her about anything, least of all my feelings. So I will not say "I love you", until I know that I mean it, until I know that I can say it with the same weight that she will receive it.

For her I think this is a struggle to accept, though she does so. But it falls down a little when she ties her value to being loved - her mind plays tricks and says that if I don't love her, then I mustn't value her.

I think this is quite interesting in an academic way - a little concerning and upsetting in a personal way, but that's just how it is - but intellectually, it's interesting.

I value her very much and I am very pleased that she desires to submit to me. I value that more than I could ever express in words. I have literally been waiting and searching for years to find someone who has similar relationships goals to me, when it comes to M/s, to express an interest in submitting to me. But it is unconnected to love. Love is a separate entity from value, from appreciation. The love will come. It is already growing, which is good because it's a sign to me that we are on the right track, that we are moving strongly.

But she will have to be patient. I will not lie to her simply because it is something she wishes to hear.

I have so much more I could talk about, but this entry is already really long, so I think I will leave it here for now. I need to get some work done on some other things anyway.

But as for where I am presently? I'm feeling hectic, rushed, things are changing, things are shifting, there is so much going on in my head... but it's all good, and I feel very happy about what is to come.