Saturday, October 15, 2016


Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Here We Go Again

Wellp, serina broke up with me.  Again.

It's not a bad breakup.  It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal).  I am sad about it, of course I am.  But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.

I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs.  She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that.  I'm polite and gentle and stable.  She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.

All very sensible.  And I really, really do wish her the best.

Still sucks though.

I think that's all I'm going to write about it.  I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know.  There's not much else to say about it.  Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.

Thursday, May 5, 2016


The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.  What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am, slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.  Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.  Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

Sunday, February 28, 2016


After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.

I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene.  When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink.  But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.

Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet.  It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people.  Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.

Never have I felt so at home.

I love kink.  I love Leather.  And I love the kink and Leather communities.  I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily.  It was a familial reunion.  So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other.  So much love for ourselves and our people.

I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing.  To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved.  To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.

It's good to be back.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Show Yourself to Me, Xan West's New Anthology

In a very special post today, I’m happy to say I was very privileged to be asked to be a part of the blog book tour for Xan West’s new anthology “Show Yourself to Me”, a wonderful collection of edgy, queer BDSM erotica.

In Show Yourself to Me: Queer Kink Erotica, Xan West introduces us to pretty boys and nervous boys, vulnerable tops and dominant sadists, good girls and fierce girls and scared little girls, mean Daddies and loving Daddies and Daddies that are terrifying in delicious ways. Submissive queers go to alleys to suck cock, get bent over the bathroom sink by a handsome stranger, choose to face their fears, have their Daddy orchestrate a gang bang in the park, and get their dream gender-play scene—tied to a sling in an accessible dungeon. Dominants find hope and take risks, fall hard and push edges, get fucked and devour the fear and tears that their sadist hearts desire. Within these 24 stories, you will meet queers who build community together, who are careful about how they play with power, who care deeply about consent. You will meet trans and genderqueer folks who are hot for each other, who mentor each other, who do the kind of gender play that is only possible with other trans and genderqueer folks. This is Show Yourself to Me. Get ready for a very wild ride.

I was very excited to read this anthology.  Goodness knows good porn is always worth the time, but good queer porn that bravely faces trauma and healing is worth very special attention.

The first sign that Show Yourself to Me is a special collection is the content warning section at the beginning of the book.  For those of us who have traumatic histories, for those with dark tastes, for those who simply like to have an idea of what they’re walking into, content warnings are the best gift media can give us.  You can skip the things you don’t want to see, or seek out what will tickle the darkness within you.

This gentleness with the reader isn’t just a nod towards responsible authorship, it’s actually a core part of the anthology as a whole.  Negotiation and consent is shown explicitly and regularly between all characters, trauma and sociological pressures are addressed and held carefully, perspectives change during stories to show us that all characters are getting what they want and aren’t being pushed too far (if only we could have such perception shifts in reality, how much easier would our kink be!).

Show Yourself to Me isn’t a book to sit and read cover to cover, in my opinion - it’s best kept on your bedside table, to read a story every now and then when you’re hot and horny and want some release.  The stories do all mostly consist of similar themes and kinks - rough body play, knife play, boots, canes and tears - with very hot and demanding sex, with characters spilling delightfully dirty talk from their lips.

But by far the biggest kink in this book is vulnerability.  Everyone’s - not just the bottoms and submissives, but the tops and dominants too.  This is a collection of stories about being lucky enough to get what you want, and just how intense and scary and wonderful that can be.

This emphasis on vulnerability and risk taking for a chance at fulfillment means that the overall tone of these stories reminds me exactly of why we do kinky shit in the first place.  We come to it because it’s exciting and it feels good, we come to it with fantasies and desires that we don’t know if we’ll be able to actually partake in, but we want to try anyway.  These stories remind me of what kink is supposed to feel like - ecstatic and a little bit scary.

It almost hurts to read, sometimes - the longing in my chest for experiences that are all too rare and fleeting flares up in response to what lies in these pages.  

Show Yourself to Me is a book filled with characters of all races, genders, shapes and sizes, and abilities.  In a world where catching even a glimpse of real life in media in regards to diversity is like a bigfoot sighting, this collection of stories is sharp relief.  The queers of your real experiences and the queers of your dreams meet up in these stories.

With so much wonderful queerness, I do confess I would have liked to see a few more dominant bottoms and/or submissive tops - off the top of my head I only remember one dominant getting fucked in this book, but it’s possible I’m forgetting a couple.  There’s a definite dichotomy in the kink scene of the idea that topping is intrinsically linked to dominance and bottoming is intrinsically linked to submission, and it’s just not the case at all.  There are no innately dominant or submissive activities - it’s how you do them that counts.

My favourite stories in Show Yourself to Me are the ones about group scenes. There’s just something extra special about group scenes in my experience, they raise the energy and atmosphere to such incredible heights.  The stories do this experience justice - particularly “Compersion”, which is absolutely my favourite story in the book.  “Compersion”, more than any of the other stories, made me feel like I was in the room while it was happening - perhaps it was the heavy focus on voyeurism and exhibitionism in it that lent itself well to that feeling.  Regardless: fucking hot.

It’s a precious and rare thing to find porn that so carefully and explicitly balances the darkness within us with the responsibility to look after each other while we chase our fix.  Most porn needs to be consumed with the firm understanding of it being a fantasy, being unrealistic.  But Show Yourself to Me reminds us that if we’re careful, and if we’re brave, we can have what we want.

You can buy Show Yourself to Me via Go Deeper Press, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble.  I very much encourage you to do so.  :)

You can learn more about the author, Xan West, at Xan’s website.

If you’d like to check out the other stops along the book tour, here’s the itinerary:
October 1: Xan West October 2: Go Deeper Press October 3: Heather Elizabeth October 4: Sinclair Sexsmith October 5: Hermia Swann October 6: Dilo Keith and Cecilia Tan October 7: Kinky Brits October 8: Stella Harris October 9: F. Leonora Solomon October 10: Tasha Harrison October 11: Benji Bright October 12: Tamsin Flowers and Karida October 13: Cassandra Perry October 14: Peep Scoop and Radical Access Mapping Project October 15: Sugar Cunt October 16: Emily Byrne October 17: Oleander Plume October 18: K. A. Smith October 19: Giselle Renarde October 20: Butchtastic Kyle October 21: Lisabet Sarai October 22: Syrens October 23: Anna Sky October 24: Jade A. Waters October 25: Ashley Young and Erin Kyan (that's me!) October 26: Rebekah Weatherspoon October 27: Malin James October 28: BD Swain and Jillian Boyd October 29: Kaleigh Trace October 30: Kiki DeLovely October 31: Xan West and Annabeth Leong

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.  I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.  D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.  Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.  And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.

Long time no blog, once again.  Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.

My mother died.  It's been... incredibly difficult.  I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much.  Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly.  She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks.  On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.

More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.

It was serendipitous.  I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.

Well joke's on my brain, I suppose.  Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post.  She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.

So, long story short, we are trying again.  I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here.  Perhaps I will another time.

For now, we are starting fresh.  We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.

I am optimistic about the future.  I am also very, very tired, heh.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Long Time No Blog

Hello blog, sorry for the long time spent away.

Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.

The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink.  My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded.  So kink has been on the backburner.

The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina.  It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly.  Intense maybe?  Attached?  Person.  I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.

And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.

And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.

We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through.  We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.

I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation.  Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think.  Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my  heart even if I'm not out going to things.

Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community.  It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


So as you can probably guess from the silence on this blog, things have continued being not very exciting for me.  That's going to change in a few months; we've grown jack of the suburbs and we're going to downsize and move back into the city.  It'll be good for both of us for a lot of reasons, one of which being we'll be able to get back out to community events more often again.

But that's not what I'm here to write about today.

A couple of days ago I did a hook pull!

I did a quick google to try and find an easy page to link you to if you're not familiar with it, but I'm coming up pretty dry so I'll say this:  on sunday, I had 6g hooks shoved through my back flesh that I then pulled against, for fun.  Want to see a picture?

I'm not a masochist.  I didn't do it for the pain rush or anything like that.  I mostly did it "because I can", because it's something extraordinary, because I like having extraordinary experiences.

What went on in my head during it is mine and mine alone so I won't be going into that here.  But it was a very interesting experience and nothing like I expected.  I also came out of it thinking I might do it again, which surprised me - I thought I'd come out of it with a kind of "well it's off the bucket list now I'm never doing it again" attitude, but actually, I think I might.

Taking the sticky dressing off a very hair back the next day was infinitely more painful than anything involving the hooks, by the way.  :p