Tuesday, June 5, 2018


It has been over a year since my last post here.

In some ways, not much has happened.  In other ways, too much has happened.

I don't wish to go into details.

I will say that I am tired, and I no longer find joy in the BDSM, Kink or Leather scene.

I still find much joy in my D/s relationship with my boy, and in play with him and others.  But the community... does not bring me joy at this point in my life.

So I am hibernating.

It doesn't appear to be uncommon to drop out of the scene for a few years.  Most kinky/Leather folks I know have had a period of their lives where they've dropped out and gone to live quietly in the suburbs for a while.  So I suppose this is just my moment to experience that.

I'll be back, of course I will.  This is a part of me.

But for now, I need some space.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Saturday, October 15, 2016


Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Here We Go Again

Wellp, serina broke up with me.  Again.

It's not a bad breakup.  It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal).  I am sad about it, of course I am.  But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.

I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs.  She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that.  I'm polite and gentle and stable.  She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.

All very sensible.  And I really, really do wish her the best.

Still sucks though.

I think that's all I'm going to write about it.  I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know.  There's not much else to say about it.  Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.

Thursday, May 5, 2016


The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.  What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am, slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.  Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016


I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.  Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

Sunday, February 28, 2016


After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.

I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene.  When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink.  But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.

Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet.  It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people.  Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.

Never have I felt so at home.

I love kink.  I love Leather.  And I love the kink and Leather communities.  I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily.  It was a familial reunion.  So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other.  So much love for ourselves and our people.

I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing.  To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved.  To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.

It's good to be back.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Show Yourself to Me, Xan West's New Anthology

In a very special post today, I’m happy to say I was very privileged to be asked to be a part of the blog book tour for Xan West’s new anthology “Show Yourself to Me”, a wonderful collection of edgy, queer BDSM erotica.

In Show Yourself to Me: Queer Kink Erotica, Xan West introduces us to pretty boys and nervous boys, vulnerable tops and dominant sadists, good girls and fierce girls and scared little girls, mean Daddies and loving Daddies and Daddies that are terrifying in delicious ways. Submissive queers go to alleys to suck cock, get bent over the bathroom sink by a handsome stranger, choose to face their fears, have their Daddy orchestrate a gang bang in the park, and get their dream gender-play scene—tied to a sling in an accessible dungeon. Dominants find hope and take risks, fall hard and push edges, get fucked and devour the fear and tears that their sadist hearts desire. Within these 24 stories, you will meet queers who build community together, who are careful about how they play with power, who care deeply about consent. You will meet trans and genderqueer folks who are hot for each other, who mentor each other, who do the kind of gender play that is only possible with other trans and genderqueer folks. This is Show Yourself to Me. Get ready for a very wild ride.

I was very excited to read this anthology.  Goodness knows good porn is always worth the time, but good queer porn that bravely faces trauma and healing is worth very special attention.

The first sign that Show Yourself to Me is a special collection is the content warning section at the beginning of the book.  For those of us who have traumatic histories, for those with dark tastes, for those who simply like to have an idea of what they’re walking into, content warnings are the best gift media can give us.  You can skip the things you don’t want to see, or seek out what will tickle the darkness within you.

This gentleness with the reader isn’t just a nod towards responsible authorship, it’s actually a core part of the anthology as a whole.  Negotiation and consent is shown explicitly and regularly between all characters, trauma and sociological pressures are addressed and held carefully, perspectives change during stories to show us that all characters are getting what they want and aren’t being pushed too far (if only we could have such perception shifts in reality, how much easier would our kink be!).

Show Yourself to Me isn’t a book to sit and read cover to cover, in my opinion - it’s best kept on your bedside table, to read a story every now and then when you’re hot and horny and want some release.  The stories do all mostly consist of similar themes and kinks - rough body play, knife play, boots, canes and tears - with very hot and demanding sex, with characters spilling delightfully dirty talk from their lips.

But by far the biggest kink in this book is vulnerability.  Everyone’s - not just the bottoms and submissives, but the tops and dominants too.  This is a collection of stories about being lucky enough to get what you want, and just how intense and scary and wonderful that can be.

This emphasis on vulnerability and risk taking for a chance at fulfillment means that the overall tone of these stories reminds me exactly of why we do kinky shit in the first place.  We come to it because it’s exciting and it feels good, we come to it with fantasies and desires that we don’t know if we’ll be able to actually partake in, but we want to try anyway.  These stories remind me of what kink is supposed to feel like - ecstatic and a little bit scary.

It almost hurts to read, sometimes - the longing in my chest for experiences that are all too rare and fleeting flares up in response to what lies in these pages.  

Show Yourself to Me is a book filled with characters of all races, genders, shapes and sizes, and abilities.  In a world where catching even a glimpse of real life in media in regards to diversity is like a bigfoot sighting, this collection of stories is sharp relief.  The queers of your real experiences and the queers of your dreams meet up in these stories.

With so much wonderful queerness, I do confess I would have liked to see a few more dominant bottoms and/or submissive tops - off the top of my head I only remember one dominant getting fucked in this book, but it’s possible I’m forgetting a couple.  There’s a definite dichotomy in the kink scene of the idea that topping is intrinsically linked to dominance and bottoming is intrinsically linked to submission, and it’s just not the case at all.  There are no innately dominant or submissive activities - it’s how you do them that counts.

My favourite stories in Show Yourself to Me are the ones about group scenes. There’s just something extra special about group scenes in my experience, they raise the energy and atmosphere to such incredible heights.  The stories do this experience justice - particularly “Compersion”, which is absolutely my favourite story in the book.  “Compersion”, more than any of the other stories, made me feel like I was in the room while it was happening - perhaps it was the heavy focus on voyeurism and exhibitionism in it that lent itself well to that feeling.  Regardless: fucking hot.

It’s a precious and rare thing to find porn that so carefully and explicitly balances the darkness within us with the responsibility to look after each other while we chase our fix.  Most porn needs to be consumed with the firm understanding of it being a fantasy, being unrealistic.  But Show Yourself to Me reminds us that if we’re careful, and if we’re brave, we can have what we want.

You can buy Show Yourself to Me via Go Deeper Press, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble.  I very much encourage you to do so.  :)

You can learn more about the author, Xan West, at Xan’s website.

If you’d like to check out the other stops along the book tour, here’s the itinerary:
October 1: Xan West https://xanwest.wordpress.com/ October 2: Go Deeper Press http://godeeperpress.com/ October 3: Heather Elizabeth https://kinkopedia.wordpress.com/ October 4: Sinclair Sexsmith http://www.sugarbutch.net/ October 5: Hermia Swann http://www.cuntext.com/ October 6: Dilo Keith https://dilokeith.wordpress.com/ and Cecilia Tan http://blog.ceciliatan.com/ October 7: Kinky Brits http://thekinkybrits.com/ October 8: Stella Harris http://stellaharris.net/ October 9: F. Leonora Solomon https://fdotleonora.wordpress.com/ October 10: Tasha Harrison http://tashalharrison.com/ October 11: Benji Bright http://www.theeroticledger.com/ October 12: Tamsin Flowers http://tamsinflowers.com/ and Karida http://submissionandthecity.com/ October 13: Cassandra Perry http://cassandrajperry.com/ October 14: Peep Scoop http://www.peepscoop.com/ and Radical Access Mapping Project https://radicalaccessiblecommunities.wordpress.com/ October 15: Sugar Cunt http://www.sugarcuntwrites.com/ October 16: Emily Byrne http://writeremilylbyrne.blogspot.com/ October 17: Oleander Plume http://poisonpendirtymind.com/ October 18: K. A. Smith https://authorka.wordpress.com/ October 19: Giselle Renarde http://donutsdesires.blogspot.com/ October 20: Butchtastic Kyle http://www.butchtastic.net/ October 21: Lisabet Sarai http://lisabetsarai.blogspot.com/ October 22: Syrens https://syrens.wordpress.com/ October 23: Anna Sky http://www.iamannasky.com/ October 24: Jade A. Waters http://jadeawaters.com/ October 25: Ashley Young https://indigostheory.wordpress.com/ and Erin Kyan http://diaryofaleatherman.blogspot.com/ (that's me!) October 26: Rebekah Weatherspoon http://www.rebekahweatherspoon.com/ October 27: Malin James http://malinjames.com/ October 28: BD Swain http://www.bdswain.com/ and Jillian Boyd http://jillianboydauthor.wordpress.com/ October 29: Kaleigh Trace http://thefuckingfacts.com/ October 30: Kiki DeLovely https://kikidelovely.wordpress.com/ October 31: Xan West https://xanwest.wordpress.com/ and Annabeth Leong http://annabetherotica.com/

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.  I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.  D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.  Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.  And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.

Long time no blog, once again.  Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.

My mother died.  It's been... incredibly difficult.  I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much.  Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly.  She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks.  On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.

More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.

It was serendipitous.  I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.

Well joke's on my brain, I suppose.  Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post.  She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.

So, long story short, we are trying again.  I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here.  Perhaps I will another time.

For now, we are starting fresh.  We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.

I am optimistic about the future.  I am also very, very tired, heh.