Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Here We Go Again

Wellp, serina broke up with me.  Again.

It's not a bad breakup.  It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal).  I am sad about it, of course I am.  But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.

I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs.  She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that.  I'm polite and gentle and stable.  She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.

All very sensible.  And I really, really do wish her the best.

Still sucks though.

I think that's all I'm going to write about it.  I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know.  There's not much else to say about it.  Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.

Limited

I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.  Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.

Long time no blog, once again.  Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.

My mother died.  It's been... incredibly difficult.  I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much.  Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly.  She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks.  On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.

More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.

It was serendipitous.  I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.

Well joke's on my brain, I suppose.  Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post.  She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.

So, long story short, we are trying again.  I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here.  Perhaps I will another time.

For now, we are starting fresh.  We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.

I am optimistic about the future.  I am also very, very tired, heh.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing

Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about.  My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.

That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well.  So things are actually going pretty well.

So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM.  Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other.  From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.

It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first.  And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.

Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv.  Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other.  It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship.  It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.

Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit.  I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.

I also miss having a family unit.  Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard.  The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing.  But now... well.  There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.

I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually.  Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.

Mourning Pieces

It's been two months since my last post about serina and I parting ways, and I've been spending most of that time mourning, as I'm sure you understand.

It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that.  Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be.  When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.

The second part is mourning the loss of a family member.  She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us.  The house feels so much bigger and emptier.  My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events.  We have to reconfigure household chores.  Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.

And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training.  I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them.  I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in.  It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet.  Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic.  I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.

That hole had slowly begun to close with serina.  We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years.  I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.

But now, of course, it's opening up again.  And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now.  All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.

The collar is still on my desk.  Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there.  I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good.  Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday.  I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.

And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure.  But for now, I heal.

Parting Ways

Ah, I've put off making this post for a couple of days, but now it's the last thing that needs doing before it's all "done" in my mind, so here it is.

Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.

As break ups go, it was a good one.  No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned.  Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now.  So, we dissolved our contract.

Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:

Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email).  The next day she came to my house so we could do so.

Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her.  Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept.  I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.

I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management.  So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.

We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.

Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept.  That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway.  Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.

Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.

And that was it.  Boy drove her home.

I am, to put it mildly, sad about it.  It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well.  But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.

The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this.  I am not yet sure what I will do with it.  At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it.  If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage.  I don't know yet.

So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy.  He's upset about it too.  We were a little family and now we have lost one.

Still not much to update, but I missed you, blog.

Still rather ill.  Not a lot has changed since my last entry - although my health does seem to be slowly on its way up, which is good.  Now I just have to not go overboard and wreck it again, heh.

I can't remember if I blogged about this, but pet has another relationship at the moment.  I allow her to have any vanilla sexual relationships that she wants, and while this started out that way... heh.  Pet is one of those people who falls into relationships and honestly I was not particularly surprised when it happened.

She has had her boi for a few months or so now, they are exploring a power exchange dynamic where pet is the dominant.  I'll refer to her boi here on my blog simply as q, hopefully that won't be too confusing.

Q is very new to D/s and BDSM, as far as I know this is the first time they have dabbled in it at all.  Pet has learned a lot from me about how to slowly introducing things in relationships so that seems to be coming along well.  They recently had their three month negotiation that I sat in on, so things are going well there.

It's an interesting thing, the chain of command.  Because while I have no issue with my subs having their own subs, there are practical aspects to consider.  I am high maintenance at the best of times, and at the end of the day if I'm your dominant, I come first.  Simple as that.  Any relationship that might interfere with that is not welcome.

Which isn't to say I'm draconian about it.  I don't mind what my subs get up to when they're not directly interacting with me or following orders, as long as it is something of which I would approve.  Every breath and action my subs take is somewhat of a reflection of me, and that means they need to be living up to my standards as much as possible.  Unfortunately for them my standards get more draconian the more years they are involved with me, heh.  :)

It's not difficult to have a submissive who has a submissive, but having a slave who has a submissive may well be so.  I am however not particularly worried, everyone has been very clear about the chain of command and where everyone falls, and that takes about 6000% of the difficulty out of the situation.

Things are very early days and we will see how things go.  Q has shown an interest in becoming part of the family unit as time goes on, which is a very positive sign for the future of their and pet's relationship.

I'm sorry if this post is a little disjointed or strange, I'm still quite ill and brainfoggy and so I'm not as articulate as I might normally be.  I hope you're all doing well, readers.  :)

Withholding

First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry.  This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you.  ♥

~~~

D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.

Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem.  I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.

One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant.  You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings.  You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted.  You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.

Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions.  That's okay.  These are, by design, unequal relationships.  If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.

That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs.  Not at all.  Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.

This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.

No.  Silly submissives, that's not how this works.

Tell me everything.  Give me everything.  What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing.  But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.

I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things.  They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority.  Unfair?  Perhaps so.  But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.

Negotiation Tips: Give Examples

A quick note, this post is about D/s relationship negotiation, not BDSM play negotiation.  There are similarities between the two of course but at their core they are quite fundamentally different.

Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future.  And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it.  Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it.  There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.

After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip.  First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.

Give examples.

Lots of them.  Not just one or two.

Don't worry about "going too far".  Because this is a negotiation.  It's not set in stone.  You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options.  You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants.  That's negotiating.  Examples are hugely useful for this.

Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits".  Explain what that might look like.  Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat.  Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though.  Maybe you only want it when you're around.  Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them.  They might ask, do they get time off from your plan?  Do they get exceptions?  Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good?  Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?

Don't just say, "no body modification".  Think about and explore what that means.  Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings?  Probably not.  But what about hair colour?  What about clothing?  That's modifying presentation.  Are those okay?

Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property".  Marking with what?  Words?  Symbols?  Pictures?  In what medium?  Tattoos?  Piercings?  A collar?  Branding?  Sharpie-on-skin?

Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant".  Jeez.  What does respect mean?  What does it look like?  Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it?  Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day?  Bringing you coffee?  Sitting at your feet?  Never interrupting?  What does "respect" look like, to you?  What does it look like to them?

The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far.  You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.

For example (heh):

Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking.  When she was on her own it was her decision.  Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies.  She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke.  When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask?  I said, send me a text.  And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no".  She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"?  I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me.  She was satisfied with that answer.

Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.

We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission?  My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit.  She submits only to me.  And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us.  For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine.  If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.

I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously.  :)

Big Update

Hello, hello!  Happy new year!

I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it.  I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.

Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th.  Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.

Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified.  I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life).  It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility.  It's a sweet spot :)  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.

One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos.  It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.

I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing.  *shrugs*!

I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.

I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have.  My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers.  We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved.  We talk about rules and protocols and punishments.  For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.

But I feel good when I have these talks.  It lays everything out so there are no surprises.  It lowers the chances of drama.

And I don't mind taking so long with these things.  Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment.  I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.

The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy.  Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing.  As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship.  Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him.  So that is now also a part of our lives.

We will see how that pans out.  If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand.  Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.

There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about.  We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki!  It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours.  It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.

In short, things are good.  Busy, but good.  I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging.  Perhaps it will come in future posts.  :)

Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.

Freeing Up Time

Once again, I've been awfully busy.  I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so.  I also recently just performed this past week.

One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time.  They make it possible for me to take on creative projects.  If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.

It makes it possible for me to accomplish more.  Their support is vital to everything I do.  Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.

We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives.  We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.

The house runs smoothly these days, I must say.  Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life.  It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.

Submissives Are Working Dogs

DISCLAIMER:  Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt.  When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that.  I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed.  Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!

This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.

I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now.  And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".

Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).

I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied.  Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked.  If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.

Submissives are frequently similar.

I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do.  They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best.  And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them.  They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".

This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way.  It's a human thing.  We all crave challenge and novelty.  We all crave validation of our worth.  We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be.  We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute.  We want to know that our existence makes a difference.

It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.

Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive.  For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable.  For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.

To get off the theory and into reality?  This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.

Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house.  When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before.  But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.

She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks.  It makes her feel happy and tired and content.  But importantly, it makes her feel useful.  She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.

At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do.  She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am.  But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).

And she's miserable.

Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do.  Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things.  She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her.  And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.

(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me.  Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)

I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.

A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home.  I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework.  And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!".  The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.

We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts.  Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need.  And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive.  How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.

One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems).  They tend to move fast.

I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw.  That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.

But now, I am not so sure.  My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure.  Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions.  Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same).  Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.

Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships.  It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.

I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do.  Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can.  When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.

It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more.  I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".

Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream.  But I refrain.  Why?

Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters.  I'm not used to her being around.  I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else.  I'm still getting accustomed to it all.

But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end.  I never have been that sort of person.  I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in.  I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.

And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here.  I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well.  (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).

And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me.  It's about everyone involved with me.  And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.

Anyway back to the point.

I believe that my slow moving is a good thing.  It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.

M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line.  They are relationship experiences.  And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.

I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think.  Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself?  Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave?  Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave.  Who knows.  Maybe experience is the answer.  I don't know.

This is a very rambly post.  Sorry about that.

At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s.  So that means they need time to learn.  But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly.  It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship.  I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.

This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers.  I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.

An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

3am musings.

It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.

I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here.  At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.

Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment.  It's... interesting.  I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her.  Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense.  I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person.  Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy!  I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.

Regardless, I am getting used to her being here.  Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her.  Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.

Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room.  She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house.  I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel.  At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay.  There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times.  The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.

I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before.  Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that.  I feel like I miss him a lot right now.  I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well.  I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight.  I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.

In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days.  There is always something demanding my attention.  Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.

A moment in time worth recording.

It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.

Bad Days & Beat Downs

So a common thing I see owned subs and slaves write about is the feeling of coming home after a bad day, to feel much better once home and 'in their place' beneath their Master.  Today I feel like I saw a bit of that in action.

I've been bursting to play since about 3am last night.  So I had plans to play with pet when she came over after work.  During the day she made a blog post about how she was having a bad day, and felt pretty crappy.

When she came home, I played with her anyway (as is my prerogative).  For the first couple of minutes, she was very much not into it, even whimpering "please Sir no, please stop".  (Which is not a safeword :p).

After a couple of minutes, she went quiet, and then not long after that she started making very happy noises.

When we were done, she looked so serene and happy.  The transformation was incredible.  It was the first time I have seen, in person, that switch.  From feeling down and having a bad day to feeling content and comfortable at the feet of one's dominant.

It was a very special thing to witness, and it made me feel very warm and happy.

It also makes me very hopeful for the future.  I feel very right with this girl at my feet.  I feel very content and comfortable to have her there.  I think that bodes well for us.

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.