Gestating

Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.  I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.  D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.  Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.  And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.

Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems

Or at least this one is.

My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick.  My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time.  So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.

It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.

It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch.  Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done.  It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization.  The house was without a manager for a few weeks.

It was enlightening!

I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are.  I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.

But apparently, I do a great deal!  It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.

It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position.  A house needs a head, a group needs a boss.  That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me.  I have a better appreciation for myself now.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my 27th birthday!

I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.

Things are going well for me, and for my family.

Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit.  Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.

It's been very relieving for me.  For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.

Everything is going well.  Life is good.  Life will continue to get better.

Worthiness

So today I am thinking about worthiness.

We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that.  I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.

Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?

Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?

Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?

If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".

Realistically, that doesn't matter.  If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.

But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling.  I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.

This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself.  This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do.  This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.

For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?

I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes.  If that means pizza, then pizza it is.

But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea.  I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know.  I want to be reliable.  I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.

And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.

Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know?  But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.

It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?

This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to.  But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.

I am rambling.  Apologies.

There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us.  I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously.  If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.

So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".

I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that.  If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously.  And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.

My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant.  What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships.  Actions, not thoughts.

Remembering, Becoming

I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.

Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.

I miss him so much.  He was so important to me.

But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was.  He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before.  He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.

I wish, every day, I could be more like him.

But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.

I'm having a moment of weakness tonight.  Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want.  Feeling like a failure.

Then I remember.

I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".

I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can".  I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.

I remember his pride in me.

I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.

I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me.  Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them.  Words that have shaped every moment of my life.

Never give up.

And then, I feel strong again.  Fragile still, yes.  Sad still, yes.  But strong.

Prattling On About Power Balances

It's been a while!  Sorry about that.

Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here.  I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.

Things with boy are going extremely well.  We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.

Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'.  She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here.  Things are good.  I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.

In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently.  I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy.  Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick.  So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.

Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries.  Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word?  I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.

It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.

Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head.  That's good.

Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose.  I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level.  For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous.  But I deal with it.  It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p

Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave.  It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love?  yes.  care?  yes.  both those things deeply and passionately?  yes, eventually.  But the right kind of love and care.  Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus.  At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".

I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship.  If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.

When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy.  These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.

And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back.  He is a very solid foundation for me.  His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.

This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life.  Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing.  I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted.  Reassured.

As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners.  This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.

Complications do not concern me.  I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.

The line between play and life.

Today I was thinking that what I really want right now is a friend or two (or a few) who I can have come over, have tea or dinner or something, and just chat and hang about, and have my boy serve us all.

The thing is that this is surprisingly hard to figure out.

For example, said friends need to be comfortable accepting service in what is clearly a D/s way, HOWEVER, I don't want them thinking that the boy is public property and can be bossed around by anyone. I need the friends to respect him more as a waiter than as a submissive, I suppose.

But I do want it to have that D/s flavour, which means they can't be totally vanilla or kinky-but-vanilla-in-friendship-with-me.

So I'm thinking. About all the bits and bobs of this - not just who I could invite to such a thing, but also what little things I need to organize before I could do it anyway, like training the boy in certain ways and buying a few bits and pieces that I don't currently own. Also I want to organize a couple of outfits for the boy, because clothes make the man as they say. :)

Quick sexual/lifestyle frustration stream of consciousness post...

I adore my boy and everything he is and everything we have. Our dynamic is very much about support and service and thriving without struggle.

But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.

One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…

Receiving Service with a Smile

Service is a big part of the relationship between the boy and me. I feel valued when boy performs service for me, and boy feels valued when he can provide me with service. It's a good arrangement.

However there are snags. I am disabled, and I have trouble accepting service for things I am unable to do myself. Much of the housework, for example, is something that the boy enjoys to do as service to me - but I struggle with that, because he is doing it because he has to, not because he wants to. This is of course the reason why I hired a cleaner a while back. She comes twice a month and does all the big cleaning like scrubbing the showers and mopping the floors. Her, I am paying money and so there is a clear exchange going on that makes it okay for me to accept.

But it's always been a struggle with the boy. Even though I know he enjoys serving me, I am always worried that he will resent me for "not pulling my weight".

Anyway, recently I've been finding it easier to accept things like housework as service. I'm not sure what's changed, but it's good.

The thing that makes service special is when it is received in a meaningful way. One of the struggles with how I feel about housework as service is that despite all my above-mentioned issues, I have always *wanted* to appreciate housework service in the same way that I appreciate the other ways boy serves me.

So, I am changing in the best possible way. I am finding it easier and easier to receive service with a smile.

Seeking (Crosspost from Fetlife)

We have the internet again! Huzzuh!

In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:

~~~

Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.

(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)

Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.

So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.

I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.

It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.

I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.

I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.

OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.

Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?

Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.

At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.

About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.

Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.

Power Imbalances

So, boy is submissive and I am dominant. In short, I'm the boss.

But is it that simple?

I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.

One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.

I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.

At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.

Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.

Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.

So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.

What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.