First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry. This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you. ♥
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
Showing posts with label philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label philosophy. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Family Names
Names are pretty powerful things. They're secular magic, as my boy likes to say.
There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland". It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years. It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it. "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere. That? That makes me very happy. That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.
Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family". This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.
I've written before about my inner drive to build a family. So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful. On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets. Slowly, but organically. But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.
Like names.
I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way. If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you. It's incredibly normal.
But it feels... off. Not bad as such. Just... not quite right.
But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.
Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves. What it means. Who gets to wear it.
I have a lot to think about. I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality. Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.
There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland". It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years. It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it. "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere. That? That makes me very happy. That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.
Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family". This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.
I've written before about my inner drive to build a family. So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful. On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets. Slowly, but organically. But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.
Like names.
I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way. If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you. It's incredibly normal.
But it feels... off. Not bad as such. Just... not quite right.
But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.
Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves. What it means. Who gets to wear it.
I have a lot to think about. I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality. Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
An Email
One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people. ;P
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Remembering, Becoming
I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Prattling On About Power Balances
It's been a while! Sorry about that.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Reflection on Responsibility towards Community
So, this girl who has approached me (I should give her a nickname for this blog, but I'm too tired of think one right now - next post maybe) has been back reading this blog, which I think is a great idea. It's also inspired me to do my own back reading of my blog.
It's been... illuminating.
What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.
When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.
I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.
In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.
I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.
But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.
I do my best. I always will.
It's been... illuminating.
What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.
When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.
I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.
In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.
I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.
But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.
I do my best. I always will.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
On Earning Leather
I had the realization recently, as I discussed things with my boy over dinner one night, that I'm not sure I will ever buy myself more leather.
Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.
My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.
My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.
Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?
If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.
If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.
So my vest has incredible meaning for me.
The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.
Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.
But for me?
For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.
And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.
These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.
What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.
I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.
My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.
Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.
My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.
My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.
Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?
If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.
If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.
So my vest has incredible meaning for me.
The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.
Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.
But for me?
For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.
And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.
These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.
What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.
I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.
My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Politeness towards submissives
Apparently I'm feeling a bit wordy today.
I was reading a post over on Fetlife about rituals and 'an average day in a D/s household' and things, and I had a few thoughts.
First of all, a lot of people say "well it's like any household" and I know where they're coming from, because I feel like that too, but we're not really. I remember this when I have vanilla folks come to stay, and they look a little awkward when I tell the boy to do something. Tell, not ask. People do pick up on little things like that.
But anyway, that got me thinking about something else. Politeness.
I think it's interesting to watch tops/doms interacting with their bottoms/subs with a view to politeness. Some people are rough and harsh, some people are polite but firm. I think it's interesting that everyone has a different style (and good too, how boring would it be if we were all the same).
I tend to be quite polite towards my submissives. I don't feel like I am much of the time, but when I compare my behaviour to other people it's clear that I am.
Even the order-giving protocol between the boy and I show this. When I want the boy to do something and it's a direct order, I precede it with the words "would you kindly...". This is partially because I am an enormous nerd (it's a BioShock reference), but it also serves a couple of other purposes. For example, it's something I can say when in vanilla company and it comes across as a polite request rather than an order, and I do believe in being somewhat discreet in certain types of company. Secondly, it's polite and kind and gentle, and these are things that I like to consider myself, as a dominant and as a person.
When I am in D/s atmospheres (that is, ones where there is an unspoken atmosphere of all dominants having a slightly higher standing that all submissives... it's very hard to explain, but it's Advanced D/s(tm) so I think it's more of a "you know it when you see it" thing rather than something that can be shown specifically), it's in my nature to be extremely polite to submissives. Probably even more polite than I am to other dominants.
I'm not sure exactly why this is, though I have a few theories.
One theory is that in these types of contexts, submissives often *are* performing service, whether it be specifically towards me or more towards everyone - and even if they're not, it often still has an atmosphere of being *prepared* to serve. I think that service is a valuable thing and I want to show my gratitude towards submissives who serve.
Another is that if there is a palatable power imbalance, I want the submissives to know that I respect them and their personhood, regardless of power imbalances. One way I do this is with politeness.
And I think really that's what politeness is about. It's about respecting people's personhood. That's one of the biggest reasons that I believe in politeness - not just in a D/s context, but in general.
An interesting experience I had was when a submissive that belonged to a friend of mine was at dinner with my family. Their dominant was not present, and they were helping out with setting the table and things. I handed them something and asked them to put it on the table, and after they did so they came back and asked what I had said after I had asked that, because they didn't quite hear me. I shrugged and said that I had simply said "please". They were a little surprised and we had a joke together about the fact they're not accustomed to hearing "please" aimed at them.
It's something I have learned about my natural dominating style. I like to say "please" and "thank you". It doesn't make me less in control and it doesn't make my orders not orders. It's just something that I enjoy. It's a way that I can show my gratitude towards submissives who serve me.
As my Leather family and household will grow, I can see that this will become something that I will continue to do. Even should I own a slave/pet/etc, I will still say "please" and "thank you" to them, even when it accompanies orders. It's something I enjoy. It's my little way of saying "thank you for serving me" every time I give an order.
I was reading a post over on Fetlife about rituals and 'an average day in a D/s household' and things, and I had a few thoughts.
First of all, a lot of people say "well it's like any household" and I know where they're coming from, because I feel like that too, but we're not really. I remember this when I have vanilla folks come to stay, and they look a little awkward when I tell the boy to do something. Tell, not ask. People do pick up on little things like that.
But anyway, that got me thinking about something else. Politeness.
I think it's interesting to watch tops/doms interacting with their bottoms/subs with a view to politeness. Some people are rough and harsh, some people are polite but firm. I think it's interesting that everyone has a different style (and good too, how boring would it be if we were all the same).
I tend to be quite polite towards my submissives. I don't feel like I am much of the time, but when I compare my behaviour to other people it's clear that I am.
Even the order-giving protocol between the boy and I show this. When I want the boy to do something and it's a direct order, I precede it with the words "would you kindly...". This is partially because I am an enormous nerd (it's a BioShock reference), but it also serves a couple of other purposes. For example, it's something I can say when in vanilla company and it comes across as a polite request rather than an order, and I do believe in being somewhat discreet in certain types of company. Secondly, it's polite and kind and gentle, and these are things that I like to consider myself, as a dominant and as a person.
When I am in D/s atmospheres (that is, ones where there is an unspoken atmosphere of all dominants having a slightly higher standing that all submissives... it's very hard to explain, but it's Advanced D/s(tm) so I think it's more of a "you know it when you see it" thing rather than something that can be shown specifically), it's in my nature to be extremely polite to submissives. Probably even more polite than I am to other dominants.
I'm not sure exactly why this is, though I have a few theories.
One theory is that in these types of contexts, submissives often *are* performing service, whether it be specifically towards me or more towards everyone - and even if they're not, it often still has an atmosphere of being *prepared* to serve. I think that service is a valuable thing and I want to show my gratitude towards submissives who serve.
Another is that if there is a palatable power imbalance, I want the submissives to know that I respect them and their personhood, regardless of power imbalances. One way I do this is with politeness.
And I think really that's what politeness is about. It's about respecting people's personhood. That's one of the biggest reasons that I believe in politeness - not just in a D/s context, but in general.
An interesting experience I had was when a submissive that belonged to a friend of mine was at dinner with my family. Their dominant was not present, and they were helping out with setting the table and things. I handed them something and asked them to put it on the table, and after they did so they came back and asked what I had said after I had asked that, because they didn't quite hear me. I shrugged and said that I had simply said "please". They were a little surprised and we had a joke together about the fact they're not accustomed to hearing "please" aimed at them.
It's something I have learned about my natural dominating style. I like to say "please" and "thank you". It doesn't make me less in control and it doesn't make my orders not orders. It's just something that I enjoy. It's a way that I can show my gratitude towards submissives who serve me.
As my Leather family and household will grow, I can see that this will become something that I will continue to do. Even should I own a slave/pet/etc, I will still say "please" and "thank you" to them, even when it accompanies orders. It's something I enjoy. It's my little way of saying "thank you for serving me" every time I give an order.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Community vs The Personal
Here in Melbourne, we are trying to pull together a cohesive Leather community. Something that has come up and we are presently discussing is protocols - should we have community wide protocols and if so, what should they be. (Because honestly the Old Guard sort of things don't suit any of us around here.)
Opinions are flying all over the place and I find myself wondering: is the time of community-wide protocols a thing of the past?
We are trying to build a system, and that's a hard thing to do. It's even harder when you're trying to build a system that may override other people's systems that they currently have in place and do not want to part with. We are all coming to the table with our own protocols, our own ways of doing things. ANY system that we install in regards to protocol is going to step on someone's personal protocols. ANY system.
In other countries where the current system has grown out of the old system, it's a little easier. It's already there, just adjusting every so often. But there has been a hole in Melbourne in regards to Leather for some years, so any old system that existed here has fallen through the cracks, and we are left to start again.
Starting again can be a good thing. But... again, I find myself back to this question: has the moment passed? Because we have no foundation to build on, will we ever find ourselves in a position where we can build a system without ruining the personal systems of others?
As our society becomes more and more individualistic, and Leather does as well, is there even a place for community-wide protocols in our world now?
This is a vibrant and tumultuous time for the Melbourne Leather community. It will be interesting not only to watch events unfold, but to be a part of them.
Opinions are flying all over the place and I find myself wondering: is the time of community-wide protocols a thing of the past?
We are trying to build a system, and that's a hard thing to do. It's even harder when you're trying to build a system that may override other people's systems that they currently have in place and do not want to part with. We are all coming to the table with our own protocols, our own ways of doing things. ANY system that we install in regards to protocol is going to step on someone's personal protocols. ANY system.
In other countries where the current system has grown out of the old system, it's a little easier. It's already there, just adjusting every so often. But there has been a hole in Melbourne in regards to Leather for some years, so any old system that existed here has fallen through the cracks, and we are left to start again.
Starting again can be a good thing. But... again, I find myself back to this question: has the moment passed? Because we have no foundation to build on, will we ever find ourselves in a position where we can build a system without ruining the personal systems of others?
As our society becomes more and more individualistic, and Leather does as well, is there even a place for community-wide protocols in our world now?
This is a vibrant and tumultuous time for the Melbourne Leather community. It will be interesting not only to watch events unfold, but to be a part of them.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Burden of Leather
Last night's Melbourne Leather Dinner was very good, lots of good discussion.
There was some heavy discussion, particularly about HIV and the current soaring rates among young women, and about how my age group was not alive during the AIDS crisis and did not go through the heart wrenching days of funeral after funeral while the world just shrugged and was glad your people were dying. We talked about how the drag queens and the Leather community were the ones to look after those with HIV and AIDS, nursing them and caring for them when no one else would - about how that sort of thing was the burden of Leather. Caring for our people and looking out for them, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, is the burden of Leather.
A lot of the discussion was about how we don't want to push that burden onto people much anymore, as we want to bring new blood into Leather and we want to show people that it's here without scaring them off.
I was thinking about many of the young people I know, myself and my friends, and my friends of friends.
We weren't there for the AIDS crisis, but a lot of us know what it did, know what it meant. A lot of us are heavily invested in our history, we research our past and we listen to those that came before us. Yes, there are certainly (probably a majority of) young people who don't give a toss about the past, and those are the ones at the most risk. But there are a lot of us who are serious about remembering the mistakes of the past, and not repeating them. There are those of us who also turn our attention to the problems of today, without losing sight of what came before.
But I guess I want to reassure you, if you're older, that there are young people who care, we exist.
There are young people who don't mind the burden.
I am quite lucky (or perhaps just discerning) in that most of my friends are actively involved in caring for one another and trying to improve the world. We do everything we can.
Some things me and my young folk have been doing over the last year or two:
* Easing homelessness where we can by setting up new sharehouses and giving folks a couch or a spare room when they have nowhere to go.
* Setting up new social groups so people feel less isolated.
* Lobbying for changes in legislation.
* Helping each other move house, often out of toxic situations.
* Gentle, loving care to victims of hate crimes.
* Slowly reconfiguring what consent means and what we can do to make consent more meaningful and cut down on sexual assault and harassment.
* Choosing careers in nursing and aged care so that we can look after our own when no one else wants to.
* Choosing careers in law and medicine so that there are people with power who are sympathetic to our needs.
* Organized fundraisers for a variety of causes, all causes that no "respectable" organization wants to touch.
These are a small example of the things young people today are doing. All of these examples are coming from people I know, not just people I've heard about.
I know that the majority of young people aren't like this. Sure.
But I just want to promise you that there are young people who are willing, able, prepared to, and are already carrying the burden.
I just want to promise and reassure you that I, as a young person, am willing, able, prepared to, and am already carrying the burden. I have no plans to stop any time soon, and I doubt those I know do either. One day I won't be a young person anymore, but I'll still be happy to carry the burden.
We are your next generation, and we know that. There are those of us who are willing to not only live up to what you've left before us, but we will strive to improve the world even further.
There was some heavy discussion, particularly about HIV and the current soaring rates among young women, and about how my age group was not alive during the AIDS crisis and did not go through the heart wrenching days of funeral after funeral while the world just shrugged and was glad your people were dying. We talked about how the drag queens and the Leather community were the ones to look after those with HIV and AIDS, nursing them and caring for them when no one else would - about how that sort of thing was the burden of Leather. Caring for our people and looking out for them, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, is the burden of Leather.
A lot of the discussion was about how we don't want to push that burden onto people much anymore, as we want to bring new blood into Leather and we want to show people that it's here without scaring them off.
I was thinking about many of the young people I know, myself and my friends, and my friends of friends.
We weren't there for the AIDS crisis, but a lot of us know what it did, know what it meant. A lot of us are heavily invested in our history, we research our past and we listen to those that came before us. Yes, there are certainly (probably a majority of) young people who don't give a toss about the past, and those are the ones at the most risk. But there are a lot of us who are serious about remembering the mistakes of the past, and not repeating them. There are those of us who also turn our attention to the problems of today, without losing sight of what came before.
But I guess I want to reassure you, if you're older, that there are young people who care, we exist.
There are young people who don't mind the burden.
I am quite lucky (or perhaps just discerning) in that most of my friends are actively involved in caring for one another and trying to improve the world. We do everything we can.
Some things me and my young folk have been doing over the last year or two:
* Easing homelessness where we can by setting up new sharehouses and giving folks a couch or a spare room when they have nowhere to go.
* Setting up new social groups so people feel less isolated.
* Lobbying for changes in legislation.
* Helping each other move house, often out of toxic situations.
* Gentle, loving care to victims of hate crimes.
* Slowly reconfiguring what consent means and what we can do to make consent more meaningful and cut down on sexual assault and harassment.
* Choosing careers in nursing and aged care so that we can look after our own when no one else wants to.
* Choosing careers in law and medicine so that there are people with power who are sympathetic to our needs.
* Organized fundraisers for a variety of causes, all causes that no "respectable" organization wants to touch.
These are a small example of the things young people today are doing. All of these examples are coming from people I know, not just people I've heard about.
I know that the majority of young people aren't like this. Sure.
But I just want to promise you that there are young people who are willing, able, prepared to, and are already carrying the burden.
I just want to promise and reassure you that I, as a young person, am willing, able, prepared to, and am already carrying the burden. I have no plans to stop any time soon, and I doubt those I know do either. One day I won't be a young person anymore, but I'll still be happy to carry the burden.
We are your next generation, and we know that. There are those of us who are willing to not only live up to what you've left before us, but we will strive to improve the world even further.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Covers
I've been thinking about covers a lot over the last few months. Even more so now that they've been buzzing about as both a topic and in a material sense in my local scene. First a few basics so you know what I'm talking about when I get to my actual thoughts.
A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.
Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.
So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.
In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.
Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.
As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.
I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.
Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.
I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.
It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.
A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.
I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.
A cover, in Leather, refers to a head covering, usually a cap. In some circles cover seems synonymous with a Muir cap, but it can really be any type of cap or hat I imagine. I can't see why not.
Muir caps are the type used as Master covers, or Master caps. What this means is that when a Master is granted the right to use that title by their community, a muir cap is usually the style presented.
So about that - cover ceremonies. It doesn't appear to be that common anymore (that I can see, at least around here) for Masters to have cover ceremonies, or even for Masters to not take on that title until their community gives it to them.
In theory, "Master" is a title that either a) your slave calls you and no one else does, or b) you are given the right to use by your community, for great service to the community and for being a good example (and are presented with a Master's cap, at a cover ceremony... you see how this all fits together?). In practise, it seems to be a lot more loosely wound than that - and that's probably a good thing.
Anyway, I know that's a little disjointed, but honestly I don't feel I'm any authority on the subject so I don't want to get into details because I don't really know any.
As I was saying, I've been thinking about covers a lot over the past few months. I've been thinking about them and thinking about my vest. I bought my vest myself, as a symbol of who I am and who I can become. It was deliberately something I wanted to come into my care to me from me, an act of autonomy and responsibility towards what it represents.
I do not feel the same about covers. I doubt I will ever buy my own Muir cap.
Call me a little old fashioned perhaps, but there's something about what a Master's cover can mean when it is gifted by one's peers, that is lacking should one buy it oneself. There is some connection to the rich history of Leather in that idea, and while I am generally against meritocracies for the overall population, in subcultures like Leather I think they can be valuable things.
I want to know, deep in my soul, that if I ever wear a Master's cap, it is because I am worthy, and am accepted as such.
It is very connected to the reasons why I felt I needed to design myself a coming of age rite in my adult years. I want to know that I have what it takes. I want to know that I can be the best I can be. I want to know that I deserve every moment of my various enlightenments and achievements.
A little wanky? Sure. But why shouldn't Leather be a little wanky, if it gets us hot? That's why we're here, isn't it? And I find deep, great joy in being a little wanky and taking some things just that little bit too seriously.
I do hope to one day be worthy of a cover ceremony - but I am not in any hurry. I have plenty of time to work slowly and carefully at who I am, to slowly grow into the person who may be given such a gift.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
What Makes A Good Follower?
Another blog post inspired by a conversation with the boy.
There's a lot of literature out there about leadership and how to be a good leader; but frustratingly for the boy, there is not much (if anything) out there about how to be a good follower. Most good stuff out there on being a good follower is actually already about BDSM; there is a large and wordy focus on submissives in BDSM and Leather (and Gor, and FemDom, and all those other related subcultures) about what it means to be submissive and what it means to be a good submissive.
But in broader strokes, what makes a good follower? Well as a leadery sort of person, here are some of my thoughts:
* Observation and attention.
* Listening skills. Being a good listener is vital to following instructions and interpreting them correctly. Being a good listener is not just hearing the words; but also taking the time to register them and all the circumstances surrounding them. To think about what is heard as much as hearing it.
* Good feedback skills. The ability to acknowledge instructions or criticism in a meaningful way, and make it clear to the leader that they were heard. Nothing worse than a snipped "yep" in response to an instruction, and nothing worse than "it's fine" in response to "what do you think of...".
* There's a phrase we have in Leather, "anticipatory service". It means knowing what your top wants before they know they want it. It's getting their favourite drink into their hand and lighting their cigarette without them even noticing that you're there, let alone asking for anything. While I don't think anticipatory service (or any related vanilla concept) is *necessary* for being a good follower, it sure is impressive.
* Being able to work without micro management. Not that micromanagement is a bad thing, but I think being able to work well without it makes an excellent follower.
* Going above and beyond the call of duty, without treading into territory that isn't theirs to tread into.
* Enthusiasm.
* Being able to be honest about their skills and competence. I would rather someone tell me they are unable to do something, or even do something well, than to attempt and fail with no communication on the issue. Likewise, they need to know themselves well enough to know this sort of thing in the first place.
* Good self-knowledge and self-awareness, though honestly I think those are the sorts of things that are good for everyone to have.
* Being observant and attentive! (Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but I think these two things are the most important things, in my humble opinion.)
I'm sure there's plenty more and this is probably something I will revisit at some point, but that's all I got for now. :)
There's a lot of literature out there about leadership and how to be a good leader; but frustratingly for the boy, there is not much (if anything) out there about how to be a good follower. Most good stuff out there on being a good follower is actually already about BDSM; there is a large and wordy focus on submissives in BDSM and Leather (and Gor, and FemDom, and all those other related subcultures) about what it means to be submissive and what it means to be a good submissive.
But in broader strokes, what makes a good follower? Well as a leadery sort of person, here are some of my thoughts:
* Observation and attention.
* Listening skills. Being a good listener is vital to following instructions and interpreting them correctly. Being a good listener is not just hearing the words; but also taking the time to register them and all the circumstances surrounding them. To think about what is heard as much as hearing it.
* Good feedback skills. The ability to acknowledge instructions or criticism in a meaningful way, and make it clear to the leader that they were heard. Nothing worse than a snipped "yep" in response to an instruction, and nothing worse than "it's fine" in response to "what do you think of...".
* There's a phrase we have in Leather, "anticipatory service". It means knowing what your top wants before they know they want it. It's getting their favourite drink into their hand and lighting their cigarette without them even noticing that you're there, let alone asking for anything. While I don't think anticipatory service (or any related vanilla concept) is *necessary* for being a good follower, it sure is impressive.
* Being able to work without micro management. Not that micromanagement is a bad thing, but I think being able to work well without it makes an excellent follower.
* Going above and beyond the call of duty, without treading into territory that isn't theirs to tread into.
* Enthusiasm.
* Being able to be honest about their skills and competence. I would rather someone tell me they are unable to do something, or even do something well, than to attempt and fail with no communication on the issue. Likewise, they need to know themselves well enough to know this sort of thing in the first place.
* Good self-knowledge and self-awareness, though honestly I think those are the sorts of things that are good for everyone to have.
* Being observant and attentive! (Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but I think these two things are the most important things, in my humble opinion.)
I'm sure there's plenty more and this is probably something I will revisit at some point, but that's all I got for now. :)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thoughts, Mostly about Hooked Up
Forgive a blathery sort of entry, I feel the need to think into text, but have little idea about the actual direction I'm heading.
My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.
I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.
It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.
I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.
I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.
Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.
So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.
Oh, where to begin.
When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.
No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.
It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.
But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.
When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.
At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.
And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.
There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.
And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).
I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".
Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.
Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.
And I was so terribly, terribly happy.
I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.
But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.
And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.
When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.
One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.
My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.
I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.
It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.
I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.
I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.
Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.
So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.
Oh, where to begin.
When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.
No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.
It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.
But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.
When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.
At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.
And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.
There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.
And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).
I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".
Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.
Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.
And I was so terribly, terribly happy.
I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.
But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.
And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.
When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.
One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
What This Blog Is For
So, a little about this blog.
I started this blog for two reasons.
The first was that I ask my boy to write a weekly blog so that I can know where he is with things, how he's feeling about our relationship, and get an insight into him and so on and so forth. It's a common thing for dominants to ask our submissives to do - to keep a journal.
I figured, if we ask for such transparency from our submissives, why shouldn't we also be transparent in our thoughts and feelings, in a similarly easy to digest and access sort of way? I have little desire to be the mysterious dom in a dark corner that just barks orders and never reveals anything about themselves. I like to think of myself more as a lover who can bring you to trust me by proving I am worthy of that trust; a rakishly handsome rogue who smiles a lot and still makes you melt; a hero who takes you on as his sidekick; a teacher and guide who can take you to the places you want to go (and others where you should go, even if you don't want to).
In short, communication and transparency is a valuable tool in all relationships. So I started this blog to be transparent to my partners, to let them see inside my brain on issues about BDSM, Leather, relationships, love, and all that other nonsense. :)
The other reason I started this blog is much more simple. There are very few BDSM/Leather lifestyle blogs written by dominant men.
I don't know why. I see lots of blogs by submissives, slaves, boys, girls, bottoms, femme dommes, Mistresses, female switches, etc. But for some reason we male dominants don't seem to want to write about ourselves.
So I started this blog also to add a dominant male voice to the internet. I don't claim to speak for all dominant men (far from it, actually, I think I'm quite different from a lot of them), but I'm not claiming to be the definitive anything. I'm just me, a young man making his way in Leather and alternative relationships, and writing about them.
I mention all this for two reasons. The first is that while I've mentioned this sort of thing before, never so blatantly. These are the reasons my blog exist, and remain the most important reasons to me.
The other reason is that I just found the 'stats' option on my blogger dashboard and have found out that aside from the 30+ subscribers I have, this blog tends to get around 100 hits a week. Which came as a bit of a shock. Adding this to the fact that the lovely Jey has nominated my post about community and caring for the Bloggers Who Make You Think List, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just posting random nonsense from my brain just for the sake of my lovers and a couple of friends, but some of you actually read this thing. :P
So, while it won't be intentional, this knowledge will shape how I write in my blog a little bit over the coming months. Who knows, I might even plan something for my 100th post.
But I wanted to post about my reasons for this blog. They're the most important reasons and they're the reasons I continue to post. So if you ever wonder what this blog is all about... it's about that. It's being communicating with my partners, and showing that male doms are humans after all. :)
I started this blog for two reasons.
The first was that I ask my boy to write a weekly blog so that I can know where he is with things, how he's feeling about our relationship, and get an insight into him and so on and so forth. It's a common thing for dominants to ask our submissives to do - to keep a journal.
I figured, if we ask for such transparency from our submissives, why shouldn't we also be transparent in our thoughts and feelings, in a similarly easy to digest and access sort of way? I have little desire to be the mysterious dom in a dark corner that just barks orders and never reveals anything about themselves. I like to think of myself more as a lover who can bring you to trust me by proving I am worthy of that trust; a rakishly handsome rogue who smiles a lot and still makes you melt; a hero who takes you on as his sidekick; a teacher and guide who can take you to the places you want to go (and others where you should go, even if you don't want to).
In short, communication and transparency is a valuable tool in all relationships. So I started this blog to be transparent to my partners, to let them see inside my brain on issues about BDSM, Leather, relationships, love, and all that other nonsense. :)
The other reason I started this blog is much more simple. There are very few BDSM/Leather lifestyle blogs written by dominant men.
I don't know why. I see lots of blogs by submissives, slaves, boys, girls, bottoms, femme dommes, Mistresses, female switches, etc. But for some reason we male dominants don't seem to want to write about ourselves.
So I started this blog also to add a dominant male voice to the internet. I don't claim to speak for all dominant men (far from it, actually, I think I'm quite different from a lot of them), but I'm not claiming to be the definitive anything. I'm just me, a young man making his way in Leather and alternative relationships, and writing about them.
I mention all this for two reasons. The first is that while I've mentioned this sort of thing before, never so blatantly. These are the reasons my blog exist, and remain the most important reasons to me.
The other reason is that I just found the 'stats' option on my blogger dashboard and have found out that aside from the 30+ subscribers I have, this blog tends to get around 100 hits a week. Which came as a bit of a shock. Adding this to the fact that the lovely Jey has nominated my post about community and caring for the Bloggers Who Make You Think List, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just posting random nonsense from my brain just for the sake of my lovers and a couple of friends, but some of you actually read this thing. :P
So, while it won't be intentional, this knowledge will shape how I write in my blog a little bit over the coming months. Who knows, I might even plan something for my 100th post.
But I wanted to post about my reasons for this blog. They're the most important reasons and they're the reasons I continue to post. So if you ever wonder what this blog is all about... it's about that. It's being communicating with my partners, and showing that male doms are humans after all. :)
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thinky Thoughts About Community & Caring & Stuff
This entry is not really about D/s and Leather and BDSM. But this *IS* about community.
A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).
I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.
So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.
We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.
In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.
This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).
One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.
The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.
So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.
I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?
So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.
But unfortunately things are complicated.
Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".
I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.
However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.
Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.
Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?
While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.
Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.
A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).
I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.
So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.
We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.
In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.
This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).
One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.
The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.
So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.
I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?
So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.
But unfortunately things are complicated.
Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".
I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.
However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.
Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.
Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?
While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.
Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Being Daddy
Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Daddy... or more specifically, what it means to be so much a Daddy that even people who have no D/s nor parental connection to you sometimes address you as Daddy.
Let's delve into history a bit.
First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.
And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.
Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.
My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.
Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.
Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.
These two things are connected.
For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.
I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.
So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.
(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)
Let's delve into history a bit.
First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.
And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.
Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.
My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.
Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.
Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.
These two things are connected.
For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.
I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.
So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.
(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thoughts on Orders vs. Inspiration
I am very much into obedient submissives. If I have to fight you to get you to submit, I'm not going to bother. I am not here to fight your inner battles for you.
Lots of dominants are like this, it's not surprising. But I recently realized that I'm not even that big of a fan of giving orders.
Stay with me here. I know you're wondering how there can be obedience without giving orders - after all, obedience implies there's something there to obey. And it's not that I don't have preferences, or that I don't have expectations. It's just the orders themselves that often fall by the wayside.
I *could* beat myself up about this and think of myself as a bad dominant, but I don't think that's what it is. I think it's that I'd rather inspire a submissive to want to do things, instead of just tell them to do them.
I would rather discuss with my boy why it would be a good thing for him to go to the gym twice a week, than simply tell him to do so. I would rather tell him that I enjoy his service, and then reward him when he does it, than to simply boss him around.
Sure, if I want something specific, I will give an order; but it's usually very small things that I do this for. "Fetch my shoes", "refill my glass", things like that. Anything bigger and I would rather open a dialogue about it and find whatever seed it is in a submissive that wants to do whatever I'm after, and draw it out.
Admittedly this entire concept mostly applies to boys and girls and submissives - I do not know if I would take this same approach with a slave, not having yet owned one. I suspect with a slave I would be more likely to give direct orders.
I have owned a girl before, but she was definitely a submissive and not a slave; it might be confusing as to how one can 'own' someone who is not a slave, but it worked for us... I suppose when I think about it I have a similar relationship with my boy, though the words "ownership" or "owned" have never been thrown around, "belongs" and "belonging" and "mine" have been.
The line between "24/7 D/s" and "slavery" is often a little blurry, I suppose.
At any rate, back on subject, most of this does come back to my dislike of "force". I am a very strong believer in autonomy and consent, and while I am perfectly aware that "forced" rarely actually means overriding someone's autonomy, it still makes me a little edgy. I think maybe this is why it might be different with a slave who has agreed to a consensual-non-consent arrangement; the consent has been given in advance, for an explicit period of time. This is differing from my other D/s relationships I have had, where even though I might be the boss, the autonomy and consent of my submissive is not a blanket statement at any point.
I do want to add a slave to my life sometime in the near future; I know it will be difficult to find the slave that is the right fit with me and my family, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere.
Lots of dominants are like this, it's not surprising. But I recently realized that I'm not even that big of a fan of giving orders.
Stay with me here. I know you're wondering how there can be obedience without giving orders - after all, obedience implies there's something there to obey. And it's not that I don't have preferences, or that I don't have expectations. It's just the orders themselves that often fall by the wayside.
I *could* beat myself up about this and think of myself as a bad dominant, but I don't think that's what it is. I think it's that I'd rather inspire a submissive to want to do things, instead of just tell them to do them.
I would rather discuss with my boy why it would be a good thing for him to go to the gym twice a week, than simply tell him to do so. I would rather tell him that I enjoy his service, and then reward him when he does it, than to simply boss him around.
Sure, if I want something specific, I will give an order; but it's usually very small things that I do this for. "Fetch my shoes", "refill my glass", things like that. Anything bigger and I would rather open a dialogue about it and find whatever seed it is in a submissive that wants to do whatever I'm after, and draw it out.
Admittedly this entire concept mostly applies to boys and girls and submissives - I do not know if I would take this same approach with a slave, not having yet owned one. I suspect with a slave I would be more likely to give direct orders.
I have owned a girl before, but she was definitely a submissive and not a slave; it might be confusing as to how one can 'own' someone who is not a slave, but it worked for us... I suppose when I think about it I have a similar relationship with my boy, though the words "ownership" or "owned" have never been thrown around, "belongs" and "belonging" and "mine" have been.
The line between "24/7 D/s" and "slavery" is often a little blurry, I suppose.
At any rate, back on subject, most of this does come back to my dislike of "force". I am a very strong believer in autonomy and consent, and while I am perfectly aware that "forced" rarely actually means overriding someone's autonomy, it still makes me a little edgy. I think maybe this is why it might be different with a slave who has agreed to a consensual-non-consent arrangement; the consent has been given in advance, for an explicit period of time. This is differing from my other D/s relationships I have had, where even though I might be the boss, the autonomy and consent of my submissive is not a blanket statement at any point.
I do want to add a slave to my life sometime in the near future; I know it will be difficult to find the slave that is the right fit with me and my family, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Moving On
I think one of the challenges in Leather is to actually stay in a Leather mindset, even when life is against you.
Of course, "real life" (I've never understood that, this *is* my real life) always comes first. But for me Leather is deeply entrenched in the same part of my mind that martial arts used to (and still does to a certain extend) occupy.
You can't turn that off. In regards to martial arts, Sensei used to say "Karate is not a sport; karate is a way of life."
This is of course utterly true and I feel the same thing applies to Leather. Yes, Leather is who you fuck and how you fuck them. But it's also a way of life, a way of seeing the world.
Sometimes that can get a little lost, and we need to take a deep breath and remember where we come from.
I've been very stressed and have been hiding from the world a little in the last few weeks. I feel that time is coming to an end now, however, and I can come out into the sunlight again.
There are things that need my attention; holidays are all well and good but one must come home eventually.
Of course, "real life" (I've never understood that, this *is* my real life) always comes first. But for me Leather is deeply entrenched in the same part of my mind that martial arts used to (and still does to a certain extend) occupy.
You can't turn that off. In regards to martial arts, Sensei used to say "Karate is not a sport; karate is a way of life."
This is of course utterly true and I feel the same thing applies to Leather. Yes, Leather is who you fuck and how you fuck them. But it's also a way of life, a way of seeing the world.
Sometimes that can get a little lost, and we need to take a deep breath and remember where we come from.
I've been very stressed and have been hiding from the world a little in the last few weeks. I feel that time is coming to an end now, however, and I can come out into the sunlight again.
There are things that need my attention; holidays are all well and good but one must come home eventually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)