Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Heating Up

Oh, I see the blogspot dashboard doohickey has a new look. Well on the bright side it looks like the changes are mostly cosmetic.

Anyway that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?

Where to start where to start.

Things with serina are going well. We continue to move slowly and carefully, and I am getting accustomed to spending energy on someone new, which is the hardest part for me.

One of the interesting things about seeing serina is that she is sort of a package deal - she has a girl herself, to whom she is Mummy (the D/s age play type of relationship, not an actual child). Ylatch is a very sweet girl and I've had the chance to spend some time with them both recently, and enjoyed it.

It will be interesting to see how that develops over time, as while it's very easy to say "well, I am not ylatch's dominant and there is no contract between us", the more power and authority that is exchanged between serina and I, the more that becomes a fuzzy line.

Not in a bad way - it's just one of those things that needs to be considered. It's not that I have any interest in dominating ylatch - HOWEVER, taking responsibility for serina is not an action done in a vacuum. I'm very aware and careful of how all this is affecting ylatch, because the last thing I want to do is worry her or hurt her.

As everything heats up and comes together, as much as we can talk details all we like, the reality is that as my family grows, as do my responsibilities in that family. If I am responsible for serina and serina is responsible for ylatch - it follows sensibly that I also have to consider my responsibilities towards ylatch. Even if those responsibilities are merely "serina must be able to maintain her relationship with ylatch", that is still a responsibility, and one that needs to be taken seriously.

I don't know how things will roll out. But I am aware that serina is a package deal. I am aware and okay with my family expanding to include ylatch, and I hope it does. I hope ylatch gets what SHE needs out of all this. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. As my responsibilities grow, my responsibility towards every individual involved - boy, serina, ylatch - grow as well.

I am okay with this. I wouldn't be a part of this lifestyle, I wouldn't be who I am, if I shied away from responsibilities.

Switches and hierarchies and families in Leather are complicated. This isn't a bad thing. It means we can work hard to create exactly the spaces and niches that we require. Everyone can get their needs met if we can all communicate and work together.

So! Serina. Let's talk about her for a bit.

For me it's clear that serina and I are coming from very different places in regards to all this - we want the same results, but we are coming from different experiences. Obviously I already knew that going in, but it's always different to know something intellectually and then to experience it.

Now I've written and deleted an attempt to explain it like five times now. Argh.

Serina is slowly becoming exposed to the realities of the things that she has been craving for years, and she is having very mixed feelings about it all, which is very normal. I am seeing her struggle and question herself, and it's somewhat frustrating that there's no real way for me to help that - she has to find her own conclusions for herself.

I am finding myself being very, very cautious with how much I push and how far, and to what end. I am trying to give her enough to struggle against - which I think she needs at this point - without pushing her to the point of frustration or desperation. I want her to feel challenged, but I don't want her, at any point, to feel like she is either incapable of what she is seeking, nor do I want her to feel that she is not valued, despite or because of her struggles.

She seems to be struggling somewhat with worth - when she is pushed to a dark place the first thing she seems to worry about is that I don't value her, that I only view her as a piece of meat. This is of course not true, but I think it says a lot about her head space on the subject. We have also discussed the fact that she seems to equate her value with being loved - and that is a struggle for her presently.

For me, I'm a very loving person, and I have a base level of love towards everyone. I don't always say it, though I often do. I have found myself not saying it to serina yet, because when she hears it, she won't be hearing "I love you as a person", she will be hearing "I love you on a deeply personal level". I'm very aware of this. I have told her that it will come - and I believe it will - but I have zero interest in lying to her about anything, least of all my feelings. So I will not say "I love you", until I know that I mean it, until I know that I can say it with the same weight that she will receive it.

For her I think this is a struggle to accept, though she does so. But it falls down a little when she ties her value to being loved - her mind plays tricks and says that if I don't love her, then I mustn't value her.

I think this is quite interesting in an academic way - a little concerning and upsetting in a personal way, but that's just how it is - but intellectually, it's interesting.

I value her very much and I am very pleased that she desires to submit to me. I value that more than I could ever express in words. I have literally been waiting and searching for years to find someone who has similar relationships goals to me, when it comes to M/s, to express an interest in submitting to me. But it is unconnected to love. Love is a separate entity from value, from appreciation. The love will come. It is already growing, which is good because it's a sign to me that we are on the right track, that we are moving strongly.

But she will have to be patient. I will not lie to her simply because it is something she wishes to hear.

I have so much more I could talk about, but this entry is already really long, so I think I will leave it here for now. I need to get some work done on some other things anyway.

But as for where I am presently? I'm feeling hectic, rushed, things are changing, things are shifting, there is so much going on in my head... but it's all good, and I feel very happy about what is to come.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Love My Community, Need My Community

Tonight my and mine (boy & serina) went to the Melbourne Leather Dinner, a casual get together sort of event at a pub for Leather folk. I usually go every month but I have missed a couple of months due to sickness.

God, I missed it so much.

I didn't even notice until we walked in, and I was greeted by my friends and we hugged and we talked and I just felt so... good. At home. Peaceful. Happy.

Even just being in that space is so essential for me. I need it. I crave it.

My community, I love my community. It makes me feel fulfilled and happy and peaceful. I love the Leather community, I love it like family. It is my family. It's my home.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Now that I have a day to myself, some things are starting to sink in.

Which is good, because I am frequently a worry wart and I have been thinking so hard about making sure serina and I do this thing we're doing right and slowly and I have to be careful and think of my responsibility and be a responsible careful adult and blah blah blah.

But I also just had a moment, just now, where I felt the stuff I get out of it too. I felt the little shudder of a power trip stirring in the back of my mind.

And that's good. Because at the end of the day, that power trip is one of the major draws of being a dominant. :)

Monday, April 16, 2012

Big Weekend

Where to start where to start... and I just know I'm going to forget a lot of what I wanted to write about. Oh well.

Serina came round to spend the weekend here. It is good, we are becoming more comfortable around each other - or certainly, I am becoming more comfortable. Which is good. I'm sure she is at least a little frustrated with my slow pace, but, well... that pace is one of the reasons I am good at the things I am good at. She is accepting of it, fortunately. :)

We all (myself, boy, and serina) went out to a kink event on Saturday night - specifically Chains, which is a lovely low-stress, relaxed event held at a pub. We had dinner at the pub beforehand, and it was very lovely for me to sit at a table with my charges either side of me and enjoy a meal together.

Boy is having to adapt too, and he is also quite slow to adapt to new information, so I am being quite lenient with him as he learns. The biggest thing he's having trouble remembering is which side of me to be on.

I've posted before about how I prefer my submissive to be on my left, due to my particular martial arts experiences involving the lower grades being to the left of the higher grades. What I didn't write about in that post however, is that it's never really bothered me which side boy has been on.

I don't know why! But it honestly has never bothered me whether boy is to my left or my right, so we have never had a protocol in place for that before.

However, I have noticed that I definitely feel better with serina on my left.

So that I don't lose boy, when we are all together, now I find myself preferring him on my right, so I can have them either side of me. So boy is having to learn this. It will no doubt take a while for it to sink in, because we've been together for years and I've never had a preference for him before. But I feel confident he can rise to the challenge :p

It's also somewhat fitting I suppose, when I think of it my mind drifts towards the phrase "right hand man", and that's certainly what boy is for me. He is my sidekick, my second in command.

So after so long of not having a preference, I expected having one now to feel somewhat arbitrary, but honestly... it feels perfect. My boy is my right hand man, and he will stand to my right side.

Back to the event... serina and boy are slowly finding out how they interact with each other as well, which is interesting to watch - but I do find myself sighing much like a parent, and I suspect an occasional separation so they kids behave may become a thing. Heh.

I played with serina some, just a quick play because although we have played together before it was a couple of years ago now, and I needed to relearn her. Boy bought me a lovely new cane so I decided to try it out on her, and it's a wonderful little toy... it makes her do that little dance that people do when they get caned, ehehe.

It was good, to play with her and get a feel for her. She didn't mark though >:( despite some good thwaps with the cane. So she is coming with me to Provocation this Friday, and I have accepted the challenge of her flesh and I am going to make her wish she'd never been born. >:)

I also played with boy a bit, just tied him up in some decorative rope. Bondage is his favourite thing so he is very easy to please :p

I am working very hard to make sure boy doesn't feel neglected at all during this time. NRE happens in D/s relationships too and I am putting a lot of effort into being careful about how I handle it.

An interesting side effect from this whole thing - and it was something I discussed with boy as I was still negotiating with serina - is that given a submissive with whom the end goal is slavery, I am finding it easier to be bossier and stricter with boy, as well.

This is actually a very good thing because I do sometimes get a little too lenient with him. So the added sternness is a big benefit for him from this whole deal.

Something else interesting is that as boy put me to bed on Saturday night, he commented that since serina had come along, I had become much better at receiving service. This was something I hadn't noticed at all, but it makes a lot of sense because now I have two service-oriented submissives who get my attention, and that means I need to pay attention to making sure everyone gets things to do.

It's interesting for me, too, noting how many things I am not yet comfortable having serina do as service, and a couple of things that I've realized will always be boy's job regardless. For example, putting my shoes on? That is boy's job. That is a special ritual between us. Also a lot of things involving my room - I am very protective about my space, and boy is the only person aside from myself who is allowed in my bedroom. So lots of things are going to stay his job for as long as that is something I am feeling.

It is interesting and joyful to me how different my relations between me and boy or me and serina are. I am not seeking a stable of submissives who all act and think and look alike. I have very different ideas of what I want from each of them.

This will be a very interesting, and very fulfilling journey I feel. Not just between me and serina - but also for boy, and between me and boy. We have been together for some years now and our lives are entangled. Everything new that happens for one of us happens for both of us.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Under Consideration

Serina and I have started our three month period of consideration. On or around July 5th, we'll discuss how we're going and what will change and where we will go next.

It's very interesting, actually - my biggest concern about her has been and is that she is very fast to jump into things, whereas I am very slow. I suspected she was expecting more than has occurred, and some communication between us has shown this to be so.

For both of us, this is a very serious journey that we are both hoping will end in a total power exchange relationship. But I am so very, very acutely aware of what that means, and I know that for it to work we need to work up to it. We need to learn how we react and relate to each other, we need to make sure we are both thinking clearly before we commit to more than we can actually give.

So we are starting light. Slowly, ever so slowly, we will gradually increase what parts of her life and herself she is able to give me control over.

This also gives me time to get accustomed to spending energy on someone new, without burning out due to too much too soon. I am already responsible for myself and for my boy, adding a new life to that needs to be done slowly and carefully so that I don't snap and break down from pressure.

It also gives time for her partner to get accustomed to me being a part of her life without feeling like I am about to steal her away from her forever. It lets Serina and boy get accustomed to each other. It lets me get to know Serina's partner. The combining and expanding of families isn't a small thing to be rushed.

I know Serina wants so much more, and that's good, because I do too. But in time.

For now, I have changed her hair to something that pleases me, and I have set her a bedtime for when she is alone. In the time between seeing her, I will be thinking, and planning, and thinking some more. Working out my feelings. Working out my plans. Slowly we will increase my presence in her life, and slowly I will become used to receiving service from her. Also I will plot and plan terrible things to do to her.

All while balancing my relationship with boy and making sure his needs are cared for, and making sure that I remember to take time for myself as well.

I see a lot of talk on the internet about "under consideration", or the consideration period of D/s dating. A lot of people seem to think that it's a ridiculous idea and we should simply "call it what it is - dating".

I don't agree with this.

I get where they are coming from - the period of time between "we have met" and "we are now in a relationship" is usually called dating. It's the part where you get to know each other and get a feel for how you act around each other and how you fit into each other's lives.

But the thing is, for me, dating is something I do with vanilla partners. The consideration period is that part of getting to know each other for D/s partners.

I suppose, for a lot of people, it's irrelevant, as a lot of people are monogamous, and a lot of people see a D/s relationship and a vanilla romantic relationship as two parts of the same relationship. But that's not where I'm coming from.

I am not testing the waters with Serina in that way. I am testing the waters with her with a view towards her becoming my slave.

I am not dating her. I am considering her. And likewise, she is considering me, finding out if I am good for her.