Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive.  How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.

One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems).  They tend to move fast.

I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw.  That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.

But now, I am not so sure.  My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure.  Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions.  Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same).  Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.

Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships.  It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.

I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do.  Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can.  When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.

It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more.  I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".

Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream.  But I refrain.  Why?

Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters.  I'm not used to her being around.  I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else.  I'm still getting accustomed to it all.

But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end.  I never have been that sort of person.  I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in.  I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.

And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here.  I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well.  (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).

And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me.  It's about everyone involved with me.  And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.

Anyway back to the point.

I believe that my slow moving is a good thing.  It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.

M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line.  They are relationship experiences.  And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.

I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think.  Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself?  Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave?  Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave.  Who knows.  Maybe experience is the answer.  I don't know.

This is a very rambly post.  Sorry about that.

At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s.  So that means they need time to learn.  But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly.  It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship.  I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.

This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers.  I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.

Friday, August 10, 2012


Long time no blog, sorry about that!  I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.

Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.

For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation.  On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence.  On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own.  All up I was feeling very confused.

We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot.  As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.

This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money!  I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives.  So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them.  The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them.  I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.

In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance.  Then I will feel much more confident about all this.

Until then, however, it's about compromise.