Apparently the last time I posted here was in June. It's now October. That's a hell of a long wait. Sorry about that.
I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today. (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!) It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.
To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.
I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18. I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now. And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons. And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently. And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful. But something is still not sitting quite right.
Things change. People change. 13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s. There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.
I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one. I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are. I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that. So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change. It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.
But I feel different. I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting. There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.
But this is a transitional time. I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.
The other day, I tied up my boy at home. It felt odd. The rope didn't feel right. The energy wasn't right. That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one. To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed. It is not the right rope any more. The energy is all wrong.
I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying. Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope. It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that. But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.
What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers. And yet here we are.
And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds. I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me. This is a transition. Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right. They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be. But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.
I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet. I am still in the process. I am still in the middle of it all. I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.
I don't really know how to end this post. I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.
But I feel optimistic overall, I think. Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it. I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.
Showing posts with label leather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leather. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Return
After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Missing Cultural History
Ever since I first came into this life, there has been this hole inside me where my cultural history should be.
I am very young by Leather standards. Very, very young. I am 28 years old. I burst out onto the public kink scene the moment I turned 18, and so I've been around for a decade now, which means something in generic kink circles; but in Leather, it's not much. I am a baby.
I'm okay with that. We're all young and new in the beginning. I'm hardly concerned about that.
But this hole, this hole has been in me from the beginning. And I've spent the last--well, longer than ten years, I think I first started researching this life when I was 14. So I've spent the last 14 years, literally half my life, trying to learn about my cultural history. Trying to learn where people like me came from, what life was like for them, what the world looked like for people like me.
I collect lifestyle books. I collect queer history books. Unfortunately I'm not as rich as I'd like, so my collection is still quite small, only about one shelf of books. But I still collect them, it's my lifetime passion. I read them passionately, because every word makes me feel a little more connected to those who came before me.
Just before my most recent health crash, I sent a few messages to some of my personal elders, asking if sometime I could come have a cuppa and talk with them about their lives. Reading books is all well and good but it doesn't have the warmth and the earth of personal experiences.
I want to know my cultural history. I want to hear it. I want to hear what worked and what went wrong. I want to hear the heartbreak, I want to hear the ecstasy. I want to feel connected to the past, specifically the past of Australian Leather people. I want to save the history and the knowledge from disappearing from my generation, and those who come after me.
Yesterday I was reminded how important this is to me. The hole in my heart got a little smaller, and it hurt in that itchy way that healing wounds do.
As I hope my health continues to slowly improve, I need to try and get to those discussions. It's not just that I want to learn, want to know - I need to. I need that connection to my past, I need it like I need the air I breathe.
I am very young by Leather standards. Very, very young. I am 28 years old. I burst out onto the public kink scene the moment I turned 18, and so I've been around for a decade now, which means something in generic kink circles; but in Leather, it's not much. I am a baby.
I'm okay with that. We're all young and new in the beginning. I'm hardly concerned about that.
But this hole, this hole has been in me from the beginning. And I've spent the last--well, longer than ten years, I think I first started researching this life when I was 14. So I've spent the last 14 years, literally half my life, trying to learn about my cultural history. Trying to learn where people like me came from, what life was like for them, what the world looked like for people like me.
I collect lifestyle books. I collect queer history books. Unfortunately I'm not as rich as I'd like, so my collection is still quite small, only about one shelf of books. But I still collect them, it's my lifetime passion. I read them passionately, because every word makes me feel a little more connected to those who came before me.
Just before my most recent health crash, I sent a few messages to some of my personal elders, asking if sometime I could come have a cuppa and talk with them about their lives. Reading books is all well and good but it doesn't have the warmth and the earth of personal experiences.
I want to know my cultural history. I want to hear it. I want to hear what worked and what went wrong. I want to hear the heartbreak, I want to hear the ecstasy. I want to feel connected to the past, specifically the past of Australian Leather people. I want to save the history and the knowledge from disappearing from my generation, and those who come after me.
Yesterday I was reminded how important this is to me. The hole in my heart got a little smaller, and it hurt in that itchy way that healing wounds do.
As I hope my health continues to slowly improve, I need to try and get to those discussions. It's not just that I want to learn, want to know - I need to. I need that connection to my past, I need it like I need the air I breathe.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I'm back!
Oh boy, this last month has been a Thing.
I don't really want to talk about it, heh. Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.
This last month or so has been awful for me, personally. Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.
During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.
What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.
Boy has made me very proud this last month. He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.
Pet on the other hand, well. I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace. I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.
It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe. But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative. Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means. But it's something I've noticed.
I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually. When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react? Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder? Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.
Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report. Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks. I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.
I don't really want to talk about it, heh. Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.
This last month or so has been awful for me, personally. Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.
During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.
What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.
Boy has made me very proud this last month. He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.
Pet on the other hand, well. I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace. I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.
It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe. But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative. Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means. But it's something I've noticed.
I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually. When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react? Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder? Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.
Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report. Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks. I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Family Names
Names are pretty powerful things. They're secular magic, as my boy likes to say.
There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland". It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years. It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it. "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere. That? That makes me very happy. That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.
Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family". This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.
I've written before about my inner drive to build a family. So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful. On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets. Slowly, but organically. But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.
Like names.
I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way. If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you. It's incredibly normal.
But it feels... off. Not bad as such. Just... not quite right.
But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.
Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves. What it means. Who gets to wear it.
I have a lot to think about. I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality. Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.
There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland". It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years. It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it. "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere. That? That makes me very happy. That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.
Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family". This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.
I've written before about my inner drive to build a family. So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful. On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets. Slowly, but organically. But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.
Like names.
I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way. If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you. It's incredibly normal.
But it feels... off. Not bad as such. Just... not quite right.
But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.
Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves. What it means. Who gets to wear it.
I have a lot to think about. I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality. Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Why I Care for My Own Leathers
It's pretty common in Leather circles to have your submissive/slave/etc take care of your leathers for you.
For my boots, I like this. I like my subs caring for my boots. It's a service they can give me that I value greatly. It's a skill that I can be proud of them for. It's something they enjoy doing, as I'm sure it's a potent thing to help you "feel" submissive to work over your Dominant's boots. And if I am wearing the boots so much the better, a good boot black scene is a delicious morsel that should be savoured.
But my vest, I care for myself.
My vest is a very important piece of clothing for me, as you know if you're a long time reader. I bought it for myself as a promise that I would constantly strive to be the best I can be. Every time I put it on I ask myself if I am worthy of wearing it. If the answer to that question is no, it stays off until the answer is yes. My vest is very personal. It's a part of who I am and who I can be.
Because of that, it would feel wrong to have someone else care for my vest. My taking care of it is as much a part of the package deal as anything else. If I don't have the inclination to love and look after my vest, then I don't deserve to wear it.
Aside from all that though, I enjoy looking after my vest. It's relaxing, it's calming, it's a good labour with a satisfying end.
For my boots, I like this. I like my subs caring for my boots. It's a service they can give me that I value greatly. It's a skill that I can be proud of them for. It's something they enjoy doing, as I'm sure it's a potent thing to help you "feel" submissive to work over your Dominant's boots. And if I am wearing the boots so much the better, a good boot black scene is a delicious morsel that should be savoured.
But my vest, I care for myself.
My vest is a very important piece of clothing for me, as you know if you're a long time reader. I bought it for myself as a promise that I would constantly strive to be the best I can be. Every time I put it on I ask myself if I am worthy of wearing it. If the answer to that question is no, it stays off until the answer is yes. My vest is very personal. It's a part of who I am and who I can be.
Because of that, it would feel wrong to have someone else care for my vest. My taking care of it is as much a part of the package deal as anything else. If I don't have the inclination to love and look after my vest, then I don't deserve to wear it.
Aside from all that though, I enjoy looking after my vest. It's relaxing, it's calming, it's a good labour with a satisfying end.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Big Update
Hello, hello! Happy new year!
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freeing Up Time
Once again, I've been awfully busy. I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so. I also recently just performed this past week.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my 27th birthday!
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Clarifications
Long time no blog, sorry about that! I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
An Email
One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people. ;P
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
3am musings.
It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Worthiness
So today I am thinking about worthiness.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Intergenerational Friendships
I just posted this to Fetlife and I thought it should go here too.
~~~
This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of years, and I've started expressing it here and there to a few people, but I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts a little more.
I'm in my mid/late twenties. I'm definitely an adult, in all ways, but I am still young.
My friends? Their ages range from 15 to 70. And I love that. That's important to me.
Why?
Because often people in different generations don't want to listen to each other. Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and thinks other generations are stupid in some way - older people think 'young people don't listen and don't know anything', younger people think 'old people are out of touch and don't know anything'.
They're all wrong of course. Older people have experience and knowledge that only comes with time. Young people have fresh, new hope and ideas.
I am dedicated to maintaining my intergenerational friendships. I want to know those who come before and after me. I want to learn and I want to teach - and not just learn from my elders and teach my youngers (although certainly that is a huge part of it), but the other way as well.
I am extremely aware of the gaps in my own knowledge of my cultural history. As a trans person, as a queer man, as a Leather man... what do I know of my history? I know a lot more than most people my age about my cultural history, but it's still not enough.
I don't want to lose people. I don't want to lose history. I want to know what it was like for people like me twenty years ago, fifty years ago, a hundred years ago. I want to know my history. I want to be able to share my history with those who come after me.
Unfortunately there are huge gaps for more reasons than just a lack of intergenerational friendships, but that's stuff I want to know too. I remember sitting and listening to people talk about what it was like at the height of the AIDS crisis, to attend funeral after funeral, week after week. I don't want to be shielded from those hard truths. I want to know them. I want to appreciate them. I want to be aware of everything those before me have gone through.
I want to know my history. I want to know your history. I want to remember everything me and people like me go through.
And I want to remind you that things change. I want to help you know that even though it seems like 'kids these days' don't care, they do. They may care in a different way, but they still care. We are redefining so much, the same way you did. We are your heirs in more ways than one - we are like you.
Maybe that's why we frustrate each other, though. Maybe our elders see themselves in us young people, and maybe us young people see people we may become in our elders - and in both directions, maybe it scares us a little bit.
But it shouldn't - it should be a good thing. This is what community is, what it could be.
I don't want to be in a bubble of my own generation. I want to know those who come before and after me. I want to be a part of a history and be aware of that fact, I don't want to pretend that everyone before me is useless and everyone after me is stupid.
Intergenerational friendships are vital to me, because they show me that I am a part of something. They help me acknowledge the cyclical nature of cultures and histories. They help me learn more about my cultural past. They help me look forward to my cultural future.
~~~
This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of years, and I've started expressing it here and there to a few people, but I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts a little more.
I'm in my mid/late twenties. I'm definitely an adult, in all ways, but I am still young.
My friends? Their ages range from 15 to 70. And I love that. That's important to me.
Why?
Because often people in different generations don't want to listen to each other. Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and thinks other generations are stupid in some way - older people think 'young people don't listen and don't know anything', younger people think 'old people are out of touch and don't know anything'.
They're all wrong of course. Older people have experience and knowledge that only comes with time. Young people have fresh, new hope and ideas.
I am dedicated to maintaining my intergenerational friendships. I want to know those who come before and after me. I want to learn and I want to teach - and not just learn from my elders and teach my youngers (although certainly that is a huge part of it), but the other way as well.
I am extremely aware of the gaps in my own knowledge of my cultural history. As a trans person, as a queer man, as a Leather man... what do I know of my history? I know a lot more than most people my age about my cultural history, but it's still not enough.
I don't want to lose people. I don't want to lose history. I want to know what it was like for people like me twenty years ago, fifty years ago, a hundred years ago. I want to know my history. I want to be able to share my history with those who come after me.
Unfortunately there are huge gaps for more reasons than just a lack of intergenerational friendships, but that's stuff I want to know too. I remember sitting and listening to people talk about what it was like at the height of the AIDS crisis, to attend funeral after funeral, week after week. I don't want to be shielded from those hard truths. I want to know them. I want to appreciate them. I want to be aware of everything those before me have gone through.
I want to know my history. I want to know your history. I want to remember everything me and people like me go through.
And I want to remind you that things change. I want to help you know that even though it seems like 'kids these days' don't care, they do. They may care in a different way, but they still care. We are redefining so much, the same way you did. We are your heirs in more ways than one - we are like you.
Maybe that's why we frustrate each other, though. Maybe our elders see themselves in us young people, and maybe us young people see people we may become in our elders - and in both directions, maybe it scares us a little bit.
But it shouldn't - it should be a good thing. This is what community is, what it could be.
I don't want to be in a bubble of my own generation. I want to know those who come before and after me. I want to be a part of a history and be aware of that fact, I don't want to pretend that everyone before me is useless and everyone after me is stupid.
Intergenerational friendships are vital to me, because they show me that I am a part of something. They help me acknowledge the cyclical nature of cultures and histories. They help me learn more about my cultural past. They help me look forward to my cultural future.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The Next Stage
So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.
We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals. So it's good. So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.
The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months. She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent. She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.
This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her. Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up. Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way. For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits. So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.
So anyway, yeah, that's good. We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period. For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.
I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.
One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her. For her, not much has changed. We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.
For me? I'm feeling a little cautious.
Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person. I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them. As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.
This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict". Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me. It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards. It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.
I don't know if I can articulate this very well. But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.
Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago. I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid. But he did so well, and he made me so proud. Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards. Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.
I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be. Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them. Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.
Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes. I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it. High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge. And I'm sure other people are like this too. Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given. Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.
The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance. But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat. And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same? Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals. It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.
...
... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though. Heh.
We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals. So it's good. So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.
The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months. She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent. She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.
This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her. Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up. Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way. For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits. So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.
So anyway, yeah, that's good. We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period. For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.
I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.
One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her. For her, not much has changed. We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.
For me? I'm feeling a little cautious.
Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person. I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them. As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.
This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict". Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me. It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards. It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.
I don't know if I can articulate this very well. But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.
Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago. I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid. But he did so well, and he made me so proud. Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards. Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.
I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be. Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them. Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.
Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes. I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it. High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge. And I'm sure other people are like this too. Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given. Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.
The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance. But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat. And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same? Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals. It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.
...
... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though. Heh.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Generosity
I'm not feeling very articulate right now so I'm just going to copypaste the entry I wrote on fetlife just now:
~~~
~~~
Today I loaded up my computer and had a message from kim telling me someone has paid for me to attend 2 of Jack Rinella's workshops. She couldn't tell me who as they wanted to remain anonymous.
Dear Anonymous Benefactor: thank you so, so, so much. I don't think you realize how much this means to me. I can't express how grateful and touched I am. thank you so so so so so so so much.
The thing is that money's been really tight for me for... well, a long time. I'm on a pension, so it doesn't flow that great on a good day. But the last few months, because of a rent increase and a few other things, money for me has been... really, really tight. Once I've paid my living expenses I usually only have $20-$50 left over for all my disposable money for the fortnight. And that does usually go straight to the door charge for kink events.
It's not just this particular benefactor (although don't get me wrong, anonymous benefactor, I am so fucking touched I'm at risk of getting teary), either. The generosity of this community towards me over the years has been astounding.
I've been included in things where I couldn't afford to attend otherwise, through people's kindness.
I received a fetlife supportership from _alexandra_ just because she is kind and giving and amazing.
I've been invited around to so many people's homes and given food and comfort and love.
This week my car's battery died, and I had MistressKellie offer to buy me a new one, just like that.
And there's been so many other things over the years.
I always do my best to give as much as I can to people and my community but I will never come close to being even when it comes to generosity karma in this community. You people are all so kind and generous.
I just... thank you. Thank you, all of you. Thank you anonymous benefactor.
It's been a rough week for me for a lot of reasons and the incredible kindness and generosity of this community has made me feel so much better about everything. You are all always there for me in a way no other community on earth has ever been.
Thank you. You are so wonderful.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
We Do This To Get Hard Anyway
Today I was flipping through my google documents when I found a stash of writings I had forgotten about. They're a few years old now - maybe four or five years old? But as I read them I found myself quite moved, both emotionally and sexually.
The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household. To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.
I also found them very exciting.
There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual. From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters. If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you? Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.
I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly. I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.
But I do love some structure and ritual. Yes I do.
Anyway, some of these writings I found? I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.
But you know what? I don't care.
Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard. They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.
And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life. But it's also something we do because it's hot. We do this to get hard anyway. Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable? Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun? What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?
To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self. Because I like them. Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.
The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household. To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.
I also found them very exciting.
There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual. From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters. If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you? Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.
I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly. I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.
But I do love some structure and ritual. Yes I do.
Anyway, some of these writings I found? I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.
But you know what? I don't care.
Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard. They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.
And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life. But it's also something we do because it's hot. We do this to get hard anyway. Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable? Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun? What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?
To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self. Because I like them. Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Remembering, Becoming
I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.
I miss him so much. He was so important to me.
But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was. He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before. He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.
I wish, every day, I could be more like him.
But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.
I'm having a moment of weakness tonight. Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want. Feeling like a failure.
Then I remember.
I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".
I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can". I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.
I remember his pride in me.
I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.
I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me. Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them. Words that have shaped every moment of my life.
Never give up.
And then, I feel strong again. Fragile still, yes. Sad still, yes. But strong.
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