A moment in time worth recording.

It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.

Little Things

It pleases me very much when serina sits at my feet.  Especially in non-obviously-kinky circumstances, like when we're watching tv.  It always makes me smile to stroke her hair while she hugs my leg.

Love My Community, Need My Community

Tonight my and mine (boy & serina) went to the Melbourne Leather Dinner, a casual get together sort of event at a pub for Leather folk. I usually go every month but I have missed a couple of months due to sickness.

God, I missed it so much.

I didn't even notice until we walked in, and I was greeted by my friends and we hugged and we talked and I just felt so... good. At home. Peaceful. Happy.

Even just being in that space is so essential for me. I need it. I crave it.

My community, I love my community. It makes me feel fulfilled and happy and peaceful. I love the Leather community, I love it like family. It is my family. It's my home.

Reflection on Responsibility towards Community

So, this girl who has approached me (I should give her a nickname for this blog, but I'm too tired of think one right now - next post maybe) has been back reading this blog, which I think is a great idea. It's also inspired me to do my own back reading of my blog.

It's been... illuminating.

What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.

When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.

I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.

In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.

I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.

But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.

I do my best. I always will.

High Protocol Leather Dinner

So the HP dinner happened a couple of days ago now, and only just now am I able to begin blogging about it, as I've been quite literally on my back doped up with painkillers since I got home from it. Apparently spending nearly 12 hours in "on" mode isn't so good for people with chronic illnesses, who knew? :P

I volunteered to help in the kitchen so I arrived in the morning. I spent the next four hours peeling and chopping vegetables which I imagine sounds very boring but honestly it was the best job I could have had. I got to be helpful and free up time for others to do more important activities without straining myself in any way. I enjoy chopping and peeling vegetables, as I find it very meditative, so I don't even feel like I was working that hard. It was a pleasure to be useful before the actual dinner, and it helped calm my nerves about it all - after all, I was helping, I was present, and I was focussed. What was there to be nervous about in such a state?

My boy came with me and did general dogsbody work through the day and evening - he helped out wherever he was required. Duties that he was involved in that day were so many - helping with the spit, helping with the potatoes, valet duties, drinks service, and probably more things behind the scenes that I did not see.

I had put the pressure on my boy a little before this event - I wanted him to make me proud. And that he did. By being flexible and ready to help wherever he was needed in whatever way was needed, he made himself available for service in a way that truly, truly did me proud. I am so honoured to be Daddy to such a dedicated and caring boy, who will put his hand up for whatever is needed.

At three, which was when the dominants were to be arriving (though many arrived early), I went and got dressed. Last year my boy organized for all my friends to put money in to get me a specially tailored suit, and we finally picked it up this past week. I combined that with the tailored shirt that I got with it, and my leather vest. I must have looked fabulous, everyone complimented me - though I wonder what it says about me that people sounded so surprised that I looked so good ;)

It was the perfect debut for my suit; as many of the people involved with the dinner had put in money for it, and it was such a special occasion for me. I felt proud and humbled at the same time by it all.

I went out the back so I could enter through the front door - my theory was that all the other dominants got to come through the front door, so I wanted to as well :) In the living room we dominants gathered and chatted and it was lovely. Drinks and nibbles were served by two wonderful submissives.

I was very quiet - not just at this point but through the whole night. It wasn't shyness for once; it was that I was genuinely enjoying just listening. People had wonderful stories and thoughts to share, and as I said at one point - I enjoy hearing about people's lives. I am only 25 and haven't had a life yet. :) It was then commented, "but look at how you're starting!", and I have to agree. To be present at such an event was glorious, and especially wonderful for me as the youngest person at the table.

When the time came, we were introduced to our servers for the evening - two servers to three dominants. I was served by the wonderful Taya and Ben, who were both charming and I felt very cared for by them.

We were then seated at the table and it felt like the night truly began. We talked and joked and shared stories and it was wonderful. The food was amazing, cooked by the wonderful Ms Lyn, and it was just sensational. The service was beautiful, despite the visible nerves all the submissives worked cleanly and quickly and I was never left wanting for anything. Maid Michelle made sure our drinks continued to flow with dedication.

As our meal finished, all the submissives gathered in the dining room and a cake was brought out and placed in front of Bella.

I don't know how comfortable people involved would be for me to describe what came next in detail, so I will refrain. However, I still want to express my feelings.

To watch Bella receive her Master's cover from such a respected and experienced person, surrounded by her Leather family and community, was such an honour, I can't even express it properly with only words. I teared up as I watched, rapt with joy. As I hugged her after I managed to choke out some words - "Thank you, for being you. I look up to you so much."

It's so true and so much bigger than those words could convey - but choked up with emotion it's often hard to get across meaning like that. Bella is such a role model for me, she is so kind, gentle and extremely skilled, and her dedication to Leather, service and kindness is beyond amazing. Should I be half the person she is as I grow, I will be a great person.

To share in such an event with her was such an honour, such a pleasure. To be present was, as its word implies, a gift.

After the ceremony we all shared in the cake and some more concrete gifts - as the dinner was "Christmas in July" themed, we had a kris kringle. Just to truly top off the night for me, my kris kringle gift was a beautiful clear paddle made by maid Michelle. This was such good luck for me for so many reasons - I have been wanting a paddle for some time, but unable to afford one. I also admire Michelle's work so much, but again, cash is rather tight at the moment, so being able to own a piece of Michelle's work makes me incredibly happy.

Not long after the kris kringle, sadly I had to leave as my body was starting to hurt in a very bad way and the tiredness that I'd been keeping at bay for a few hours crept up on me all at once. Boy drove me home and from there we went straight to bed, where I stayed until this morning, essentially.

I have so many feelings about the high protocol dinner - it was so wonderful, such a bright spot in my life, and something I already know I will look back on as I grow and always smile about.

One particular pleasure for me was being the youngest person at the table - by at least ten years, I believe. It was such an honour to be in the company of my elders and to listen to their thoughts and stories. Thank you all for being so amazing and being so kind.

The kindness of Leather folk is perhaps my favourite thing about them. I believe in kindness; I believe that it's a powerful thing and it's something I strive to be as much as I can (without hurting myself of course). Kindness is what bridges gaps between us all, regardless of age, gender, race, orientation, or anything else. The kindness that filled the gaps between us all at the dinner was palpable and beautiful.

Thank you to all those at the table, for your kindness and conversation and joy.

Thank you to all those who served, for your kindness and dedication and care.

(And thank you to the pup who sat in the corner, giving us all warmth and laughter... such a contribution can't be denied either, and was certainly a wonderful addition to the dinner.)

Thank you to the host, for your kindness and generosity.

Thank you to Bella, for everything you have done for the community and everything you are, and for letting us all be a part of such a special moment for you.

Thank you, Leather community, for allowing me such an experience so early in my life, one that I will treasure for the rest of it.

Interesting

Just sent an email off to Princess, and for the first time I signed off as "Daddy" instead of writing my name.

I don't know (or really mind) if it means anything, and I don't know what in my head changed to make the switch, but I thought it was interesting.

Snippet

Boy: I need to get out of bed.

Myself: I can help you, if you want.

Boy: I don't like it when you help.

I tickled him until he got out of bed. :)

Marking Territory

Let's talk about something much, much more fun.

Recently I gave my boy orders that once he has used up his current supplies, he is only to use scent-free deoderants, shower gels, aftershaves etc. My reasoning for this is that I'm rather like a dog - smell is extremely important to how I perceive the world.

And what do dogs do? That's right, they piss on things so that they're theirs. A dog can smell their own scent on something and know that it belongs to them.

Now, I'm not actually going to piss on the boy. Firstly, neither of us get particularly excited about watersports, secondly, I don't particularly like the smell of piss, and thirdly, it would be awkward sending him off into the world always smelling of piss.

But I'm still going to mark him with a scent. I'm either going to buy, or more likely I'm going to make, some kind of cologne/perfume. Then when I see him, I'm going to spray him with it. That way he'll smell good, and every time I smell his good-smelling-goodness, I will be reminded that he is mine, and he is wearing that scent for me.

The only hard part is actually picking a scent. I'm quite partial to things that smell like baking, or things that make me want to eat them, so I've been tossing up between vanilla or artificial strawberry. That way there's either delicious irony, or strawberry lollipops. Although it has been suggested to use both, which I might do, which may well end in the boy smelling like strawberry cupcakes.

I'll keep you updated. :)

Readiness

Being ready is a complicated issue.

No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.

In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."

Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.

That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.

But who pushes us?

In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.

So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?

I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.

Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.

I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.

I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.

For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.

But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.

I miss being new.

I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.

But it's time to accept something: I am not new.

I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.

This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.

I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.

But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.

But I am ready.

I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.

I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.

Collaring

On December 6, I officially collared my boy.

We've been D/s for a long time, so not much has changed... but the little that has means a lot to me, and will make me feel more secure and comfortable in our relationship.

We had a very casual ceremony at one of the local kink events, with many of our friends to witness it. It was a little awkward at first, I told the story of how we met and why we decided to change from vanilla boyfriends to Daddy and boy, and that we didn't plan the ceremony at all.

Oh, we spent hours talking and planning and thinking out the ceremony... but in the end, we decided that we have planned little else in our relationship, perhaps it would be best if we just improvised our ceremony as well.

We exchanged some words, talked about what this meant for us, and then I collared him. Honestly it was a little awkward and might have been better if we had planned it, but several of our friends were quite teary-eyed afterwards so it couldn't have been as bad as I had thought :)

My boy and I hugged and our friends applauded. Then my "best man" (a dear friend of mine whose job it was to hold the collar until I needed it and make sure I couldn't run away, as I am a bit of a commitment-phobe) bought me drink, and then we all stayed to play and have a good night out.

I played with the boy a couple of times, nothing too different or anything - I am saving rituals for a later point, which I am sure I will write about then - however he did start crying as I was flogging him, and he took a little while to recover from it. He's not very good at accessing his own emotions but I suspect he touched briefly up against a level of subspace that he is not familiar with.

It was good crying, though, and the fact that he did not safeword and it was my decision to stop and care for him bodes well for our future relationship.

It was a very small affair, and I can't say that I feel that different afterwards, or even that our relationship is any different now, but that is hardly the point. The point is that there is no wiggle room in this relationship any more. We are Daddy and boy, that is who we are, and we never have to stumble over our words when people ask, ever again.

Vests & Life

Life has been crazy busy, not in the fun way, recently - mostly, I have just been very sick, and that's mostly why I haven't been writing.

But, you're not here to hear about that, so let's talk about vests.

I recently bought myself a leather vest. It is a tangible item for me to represent the Sir I am and will become. I bought it for a lot of reasons, but now that I have it and have bonded with it, I know that it is going to remain important to me forever.

Also, I look very sexy in it.

My tattoo was an action of my own volition, given to me by myself. It represents my adulthood, my life spent working towards being the kind of person I want to be and believe I can be.

My vest will be an action of my own volition, given to me by myself. It will represent my coming into myself as a Sir, my life spent dedicating myself to my community and my lifestyle and my loved ones.

Sleeping in the Cage

I own a lovely large cage. It's a dog cage, one that's sized for dogs like great danes and st bernards, so it's very big - about 1.5m x 1m x 1m. You can fit people into it extremely comfortably. At an event I ran, we had three people locked in the cage and then they started wrestling with each other... it was very entertaining to watch, and it gives you an idea of just how roomy it is.

I have always had a thing for cages. It's not necessarily a BDSM thing, either. For example, I like being in cages myself, even though I am exclusively dominant. For me, it is like when you are a child and you play in boxes - it's like having a fort, a place where the rest of the world doesn't matter, somewhere cozy and nice where you can settle down and just relax.

My cage is very comfortable for short term snuggling down and relaxing. I knew it was big enough to make someone sleep it it overnight without harming them, but I wasn't sure if it could be done comfortably.

Enter, the boy.

Last night we were mucking about with the cage, at one point discovering that you can easily fit two people who are snuggling into it. I talked to him about how much I adore cages, how I find them fun and secure when I am in them, and how I find them sexy and exciting when I am putting someone else in them. How I always fantasize about having someone sleep in them overnight.

He made a joke about sleeping in the cage that night. I laughed it off. A little later, he joked about it again. I told him that I doubted it would be very comfortable for him. He told me that he'd be fine.

Long story short, at midnight I was tucking him into the cage with lots of pillows and blankets. I deliberately did not lock it, because I was going to be sleeping in my room (the cage is in my living room) and I wanted him to be able to get up and pee if he needed it, or if it became too uncomfortable, come in and get into bed with me. I was not comfortable with locking him into something if I wasn't going to be able to be in the same room all night.

I covered the cage with blankets to keep the light down, as I was going to be up for a couple more hours in the living room and I didn't want to disturb him too much. This is a trick that you learn if you have caged pets - growing up I had a cockatoo, and to put her "to bed" each night I would cover her cage with a large sheet, to keep the cage dark.

Half an hour after putting him to bed--or perhaps, "to cage"--I heard soft snoring noises. Two hours later, they were still going on, and I went to bed myself.

I got up in the morning and came out into the living room only to find that he was still asleep in the cage. I sat down on the floor by the door and uncovered that part of the cage. His eyes opened.

"Hello," I said softly, smiling at him.

"Hello," he said back, smiling that wonderfully adorable boy-smile.

Then he said, "I told you."

Indeed you did, my boy. Indeed you did.

Holding Steel

I know I said I was going to write about what Leather means to me in this post, however, something came up that needed to be written about. Please forgive me, I will post about what Leather means to me soon.

Today, the boy and I went to purchase his collar.

It wasn't meant to be a big thing, actually - and in a way, it wasn't. It was simply preparation for our collaring ceremony, me buying the collar that he will wear. The collar itself is lovely - it is a steel cable that closes and can be locked with a padlock. Here is a link to it, if you'd like to see. It is a very masculine collar that can easily pass as jewellery during the day while he is at work or seeing his family.

We went and tried on a couple of sizes to make sure it would fit right, looked at them in the mirror, and I selected the 19 inch one as it may be a little bigger, but I felt that helped it look more vanilla during the day and also would give a little extra leeway for him to wriggle once it's locked. I paid for it, then we decided to look around the store a little before leaving.

We bumped into a friend while there, which was a pleasant surprise, but not what this post is about - however it was a lovely moment to be in a BDSM store and meet a friend who you met through the scene, talk about D/s as small talk, then part ways. It struck me how similar it was to any person meeting their friend in a store - a housewife meeting her friend in a homewares store, a bloke meeting his friend at Bunnings, that sort of thing.

We got in the car and started home, and I took the collar out to take the price tag off it and examine it much more closely - and bond with it, as it is my collar now.

As we rolled along, I began to think about this collar.

This steel cable collar has been one that I have been in love with for years, ever since I first saw it. I remember the first time I saw it, and that I thought how much I would love to have someone in my life that I could lock that collar about their neck. I would look at it online and fantasize about having someone wear that collar.

And then, all of a sudden, I have someone. I had bought this collar for the purpose of locking it around my boy's neck. Not only had I chosen it, but he had chosen it with me, and he loved it as well.

My dream had come true.

I looked over at the boy, who was driving. He was bouncing his head and singing along to Fountains of Wayne that were playing on his ipod. He was happy, he was beautiful, and he was mine.

Is mine.

It is more beautiful than I can express. To dream of these relationships, to dream of these collars, to dream of this life... and then to have it! Not only to have it, but to have it be even better than I had dreamed.

This collar, this boy. My collar, my boy.

My boy, you are so beautiful, and I am so honoured to be your Daddy.