Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Reactions, Denial, and the Blogroll

I really need to update the links on my blogroll on this blog, I noticed a few of them don't exist anymore. This is pretty sad for me as I really enjoyed those blogs, so I'm sad to see them cease to exist.


Recently I've been being amused by people's reactions.

The boy has been on orgasm denial since December. He has not had an orgasm (aside from nocturnal emissions, which I do not count because I am neither ignorant of anatomy nor excruciatingly cruel) in 2010. Being that it is now the end of April, people's reactions to this can be pretty amusing.

Without fail, they will be astounded or amazed at first. Then they will either proclaim loudly about how they could never do that, never go that long without an orgasm - or they will smile, sometimes a little shyly, and say that that's kind of cool.

I never used to be interested in orgasm denial - I only got into it because it interested the boy. At first it was just extended teasing, then denial for a couple of days, then a couple of weeks, then a bit over a month. At this point, at four months, I can safely say that I've become a complete convert.

The strangest side effect of it has been that I am more secure in our relationship. I feel like I truly am dominant over him at all times, because I am controlling his sexuality at all times.

This means that - as we are polyamorous - that even if the boy has sex with someone else... he is not allowed to come without *my* permission. He also should not ask for permission. Oh he *can* ask for permission... but I'm always going to say no.

And all this... all this leaves me feeling very secure in our relationship. How can I feel jealous, how can I feel possessive, how can I feel threatened or afraid or even just a little worried, when I control the peak of his sexual pleasure? And more importantly, when he *consents* to me controlling the peak of his sexual pleasure?

Yes, I'm definitely a convert. And I keep joking about making the boy wait an entire year before his next orgasm, so it would be in December this year. But every time I say it it feels a little bit less like a joke....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Responsibility is a pretty big part of D/s and Leather. Whether it's being responsible for your submissive, or being responsible for fulfilling your duties to your dominant, it's a pretty important part of this type of lifestyle.

Recently I have been coming into a place of further responsibility towards my community.

Over the last couple of years, but much more intensely in the last couple of months, I've been approached by people. People asking my advice, my thoughts, my recommendations. People asking for my help. People finding comfort and safety in my company.

While a large part of me is stunned at this, being that I am but a baby of the world (I am only 24 years old), I am doing my best to not respond with self-deprecating nonsense. I am doing my best to not say "But why me? I'm crap!" or anything like that.

Instead I am doing my best to take this responsibility seriously.

If people are coming to me asking for help, it is my responsibility to take that seriously. To listen to them, to do my best for them within my abilities. To care for them as much as I am able to do without compromising myself.

If people look up to me, it is my responsibility to do my best at being a person worth the faith they put in me.

It is, of course, not my responsibility to demand an unreachable standard of myself, by any means. But I believe I can find the balance between being a person who holds up to people's ideal of me being a person of good regard - AND being able to care for myself and allow myself my human flaws.

Or at least, that is what I am aiming for.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Differences Between Boy and Slave

My boy is my boy, he is not my slave.

For a lot of people in D/s relationships, the line between D/s and M/s can be very blurry. For others, it is so far apart it's ridiculous to think of them together.

I'm a terrible black and white thinker. I can't do it. I just... don't think in black and white, at all. Black is just very dark grey, and white is just very light grey. They're there, but they're on a spectrum. This is how I see most things in life, and D/s is no exception.

This post is not meant to explain all the differences between boys and slaves. As with everything in life (ah, here is my grey thinking) it all comes down to the people involved and how it works for them.

But for us? Definitely my boy, definitely not my slave. I am his Daddy, his mentor, his guide, his partner, but not his Master.

I think one of the key distinctions for us about this is that rather than control the boy's behaviour or life, I support him and encourage him to build his own. This doesn't mean that I don't tell him what to do a lot - on the contrary, he has a bed time and set gym times, and I can order him to do something at any time of day - but it does mean that I don't utilize that to its logical conclusion. I do not desire to do this for him, and I think even if I tried, he would resent it.

I do not tell my boy who he can socialize with or even when he can socialize. He is free to make his own connections with other people and to interact with them however he likes. Sometimes I will make suggestions, for example I have told him I would like him to attend the local submissive's munch when he can, but they are suggestions, not orders.

I encourage my boy to follow his heart and do what he loves. I do not seek to control that for him. I encourage him to work as he likes, play as he likes, see who he likes, experience life as he likes.

Were I to have a slave, this would not be the case.

In a slave I would expect to have rights over their life (within reason - some people's hard limits may involve things like "no removing me from my career" for example). I would have no qualms sending them to TAFE to learn skills that would be useful for me, modifying their bodies without asking (shaving heads, for example), or installing annoying protocols in their lives that I find arousing (not being allowed to use furniture, for example).

A part of me feels odd laying this out here on my blog for people to see, because the truth is that I'm a very flexible individual. I am open to most types of relationships with most types of people. I like that no two relationships are the same. I like being able to build a relationship from the inside, rather than going in with expectations.

But after a lot of self work in the last few months (well, last few years really!) I find myself in the position of actually seeking a slave. And it means that I have very clear ideas on where a slave differs from a boy - after all, I already have a boy.

What it does seem to come down to is the level of control and authority. While I have an enormous amount of control and authority over the boy, it is not total, nor would either of us wish it to be.

I do not seek to mould the boy into any particular type of person; rather, I seek to assist him in fulfilling his potential as who he is and who he desires to be.

That, dear readers, is a very important difference.

In a slave, I want near-total control and authority. But that doesn't mean I want a doormat, which I am finding means that I am having trouble finding suitable people. I want a slave who is stubborn and ambitious - the type of person who, while they do seek to be a slave, seeks to be the best possible slave they could be.

I'm looking for the elusive slave-minded person who thinks, "I won't settle for being locked in a cage all hours of the day, only used for sexual service. I can be so much more. I can be anything, I can be amazing. I can and will be the most impressive slave anyone has seen. People will compliment my Master on how incredible I am. Master will wonder how he ever did without me."

To be fair, I do actually already know someone who thinks like this - but he is one of my best friends, so that isn't going to work ;)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Eight Hours Leaves Me Sore

At a local event on Sunday night, the boy and I were out for eight hours. I'm quite fucked now, unsurprisingly.

It was a really excellent night. We pooled money together with a couple of other people and bought two people at the slave auction, who we tied next to each other and four of us went around them beating them up a lot. It was amazing, and they totally won the masochistic lottery... having at two people beating on you at any given time, sometimes three? Winners all round. Both of them are total pain sluts too so we could go really hard on them which was a lot of fun. It's been so long since I had that much fun doing impact play - I've been a little off impact play the last year or so, it hasn't been worth the effort, but last night was totally awesome.

Then I tied up and suspended this gorgeous girl and it was one of the most enjoyable amazing suspensions I've ever done, we had this amazing chemistry. When I was initially tying her up she would lean back into me, and when she was up and I put my hand on hers to see if her hands needed to be untied (checking the temperature), she grabbed hold of my hand and entwined her fingers in mine. And at the end she kind of puddled against me on the floor and we cuddled for a little while.

I feel energized from it all, I think perhaps I haven't been getting enough BDSM in my life recently, which is a little odd considering I live D/s. But it can be very easy to let things slide a little, and considering my libido has been extremely high recently, probably not that weird that I've needed bigger doses than usual.

Sorry this entry isn't more interesting - I'm still recovering!