Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Family Names

Names are pretty powerful things.  They're secular magic, as my boy likes to say.

There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland".  It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years.  It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it.  "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere.  That?  That makes me very happy.  That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.

Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family".  This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.

I've written before about my inner drive to build a family.  So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful.  On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets.  Slowly, but organically.  But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.

Like names.

I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way.  If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you.  It's incredibly normal.

But it feels... off.  Not bad as such.  Just... not quite right.

But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.

Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves.  What it means.  Who gets to wear it.

I have a lot to think about.  I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality.  Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.

Big Update

Hello, hello!  Happy new year!

I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it.  I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.

Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th.  Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.

Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified.  I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life).  It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility.  It's a sweet spot :)  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.

One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos.  It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.

I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing.  *shrugs*!

I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.

I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have.  My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers.  We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved.  We talk about rules and protocols and punishments.  For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.

But I feel good when I have these talks.  It lays everything out so there are no surprises.  It lowers the chances of drama.

And I don't mind taking so long with these things.  Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment.  I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.

The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy.  Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing.  As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship.  Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him.  So that is now also a part of our lives.

We will see how that pans out.  If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand.  Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.

There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about.  We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki!  It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours.  It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.

In short, things are good.  Busy, but good.  I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging.  Perhaps it will come in future posts.  :)