I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.
Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.
Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".
I am unable to attend events right now. I am unable to play much (at all) right now. I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.
What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community? What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?
I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much. Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these? What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?
Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.
The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person. I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship. I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions. Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.
I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship. Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness. When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking. I am telling. And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship. Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.
I structure his entire day. When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems). I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work. I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.
I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.
This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships. It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more. It's just life. Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.
The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.
This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas. And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness. And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.
However. I have particularly high standards. I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting. I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.
So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards. However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require. I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.
My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.
However, narrow standards are not low standards. If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.
So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning? Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.
Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me. I did not ask him to do that. I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way. He is the one that has improved.
But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved. I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle. In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.
What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2017
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Gestating
Apparently the last time I posted here was in June. It's now October. That's a hell of a long wait. Sorry about that.
I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today. (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!) It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.
To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.
I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18. I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now. And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons. And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently. And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful. But something is still not sitting quite right.
Things change. People change. 13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s. There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.
I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one. I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are. I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that. So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change. It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.
But I feel different. I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting. There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.
But this is a transitional time. I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.
The other day, I tied up my boy at home. It felt odd. The rope didn't feel right. The energy wasn't right. That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one. To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed. It is not the right rope any more. The energy is all wrong.
I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying. Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope. It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that. But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.
What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers. And yet here we are.
And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds. I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me. This is a transition. Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right. They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be. But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.
I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet. I am still in the process. I am still in the middle of it all. I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.
I don't really know how to end this post. I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.
But I feel optimistic overall, I think. Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it. I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.
I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today. (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!) It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.
To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.
I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18. I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now. And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons. And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently. And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful. But something is still not sitting quite right.
Things change. People change. 13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s. There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.
I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one. I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are. I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that. So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change. It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.
But I feel different. I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting. There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.
But this is a transitional time. I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.
The other day, I tied up my boy at home. It felt odd. The rope didn't feel right. The energy wasn't right. That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one. To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed. It is not the right rope any more. The energy is all wrong.
I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying. Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope. It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that. But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.
What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers. And yet here we are.
And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds. I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me. This is a transition. Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right. They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be. But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.
I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet. I am still in the process. I am still in the middle of it all. I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.
I don't really know how to end this post. I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.
But I feel optimistic overall, I think. Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it. I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Reconnecting
The past two years have been tough. I've written about them here somewhat. What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex. I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that. But they need brief mention for context.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Return
After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene. When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink. But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.
Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet. It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people. Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.
Never have I felt so at home.
I love kink. I love Leather. And I love the kink and Leather communities. I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily. It was a familial reunion. So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other. So much love for ourselves and our people.
I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing. To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved. To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.
It's good to be back.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Getting Back Into the Swing of Things
Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.
Long time no blog, once again. Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Long Time No Blog
Hello blog, sorry for the long time spent away.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing
Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about. My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Little Update
Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?
I've been puttering along. We had a big blood-family xmas here, then there was a death in boy's family so we had to travel for that, and there's been lots of smaller stresses popping up day to day. The last couple of months has been a bit busy.
I don't really have much to report, life has just been going on. I'm still mourning the loss of serina, though it's now low levels of mourning just in the back of my mind which is a good improvement.
Things have been quiet for us on the BDSM and D/s front. We've been "falling into vanilla land" a bit, to quote a friend of mine, but at the moment it feels okay for that.
Hopefully I will have something interesting to post about sometime soon - the good kind of interesting, though, do you hear me universe?
I've been puttering along. We had a big blood-family xmas here, then there was a death in boy's family so we had to travel for that, and there's been lots of smaller stresses popping up day to day. The last couple of months has been a bit busy.
I don't really have much to report, life has just been going on. I'm still mourning the loss of serina, though it's now low levels of mourning just in the back of my mind which is a good improvement.
Things have been quiet for us on the BDSM and D/s front. We've been "falling into vanilla land" a bit, to quote a friend of mine, but at the moment it feels okay for that.
Hopefully I will have something interesting to post about sometime soon - the good kind of interesting, though, do you hear me universe?
Friday, December 20, 2013
Mourning Pieces
It's been two months since my last post about serina and I parting ways, and I've been spending most of that time mourning, as I'm sure you understand.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dom Frenzy
A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy. We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that. She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.
I don't. I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy. I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.
So I'm writing a post about it.
Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW. They want full control. They want a slave. They want a stable of slaves! They want to live like a roman emperor! They want to tear you apart and put you back together. They want to play three times a day. They want to do edge play, even if they're new! They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.
Like all mental states it looks different on different people. A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has! A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them. A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.
Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW. It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.
The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid. They think they can do things that they can't. They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave. They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside. They do risky play that they've had no training in.
Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).
So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?
Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point. Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.
Are you thinking about kink more than usual? Are you fantasizing more than usual? Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired? Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in? Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted? Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink? Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?
You might be in a frenzy.
Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences. Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.
So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want. Because that's not the case at all. The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.
So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:
First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's a growth spurt. You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.
Be patient. Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW. You don't need them now now now. You can wait. Trust me, all those things you want to do or have? They'll still be there when you get to them. Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up. Take it slow.
You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you. Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships? Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships. Got an interest in edge play? Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains. They'll probably be happy to share information with you. Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied. Go and research it. Meet people who do it. Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.
Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you. They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit. Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.
Think about things carefully. Before, after, during. Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times. Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.
If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen? Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?
* Watch porn. Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them. If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online. Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.
* Do more of the stuff you can already do. Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with. If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them. Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.
* Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you. Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions. Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).
However you deal with it, you'll be okay. Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine. And honestly? Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can. There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire. :)
I don't. I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy. I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.
So I'm writing a post about it.
Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW. They want full control. They want a slave. They want a stable of slaves! They want to live like a roman emperor! They want to tear you apart and put you back together. They want to play three times a day. They want to do edge play, even if they're new! They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.
Like all mental states it looks different on different people. A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has! A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them. A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.
Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW. It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.
The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid. They think they can do things that they can't. They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave. They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside. They do risky play that they've had no training in.
Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).
So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?
Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point. Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.
Are you thinking about kink more than usual? Are you fantasizing more than usual? Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired? Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in? Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted? Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink? Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?
You might be in a frenzy.
Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences. Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.
So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want. Because that's not the case at all. The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.
So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:
First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's a growth spurt. You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.
Be patient. Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW. You don't need them now now now. You can wait. Trust me, all those things you want to do or have? They'll still be there when you get to them. Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up. Take it slow.
You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you. Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships? Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships. Got an interest in edge play? Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains. They'll probably be happy to share information with you. Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied. Go and research it. Meet people who do it. Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.
Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you. They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit. Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.
Think about things carefully. Before, after, during. Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times. Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.
If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen? Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?
* Watch porn. Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them. If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online. Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.
* Do more of the stuff you can already do. Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with. If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them. Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.
* Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you. Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions. Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).
However you deal with it, you'll be okay. Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine. And honestly? Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can. There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire. :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Big Update
Hello, hello! Happy new year!
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freeing Up Time
Once again, I've been awfully busy. I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so. I also recently just performed this past week.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems
Or at least this one is.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my 27th birthday!
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Clarifications
Long time no blog, sorry about that! I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.
For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation. On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence. On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own. All up I was feeling very confused.
We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot. As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.
This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money! I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives. So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them. The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them. I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.
In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance. Then I will feel much more confident about all this.
Until then, however, it's about compromise.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
An Email
One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people. ;P
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
3am musings.
It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
A moment in time worth recording.
It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.
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