Wellp, serina broke up with me. Again.
It's not a bad breakup. It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal). I am sad about it, of course I am. But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.
I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs. She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that. I'm polite and gentle and stable. She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.
All very sensible. And I really, really do wish her the best.
Still sucks though.
I think that's all I'm going to write about it. I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know. There's not much else to say about it. Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.
Showing posts with label break ups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label break ups. Show all posts
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Friday, December 20, 2013
Mourning Pieces
It's been two months since my last post about serina and I parting ways, and I've been spending most of that time mourning, as I'm sure you understand.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that. Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be. When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.
The second part is mourning the loss of a family member. She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us. The house feels so much bigger and emptier. My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events. We have to reconfigure household chores. Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.
And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training. I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them. I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in. It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet. Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic. I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.
That hole had slowly begun to close with serina. We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years. I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.
But now, of course, it's opening up again. And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now. All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.
The collar is still on my desk. Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there. I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good. Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday. I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.
And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure. But for now, I heal.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Parting Ways
Ah, I've put off making this post for a couple of days, but now it's the last thing that needs doing before it's all "done" in my mind, so here it is.
Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.
As break ups go, it was a good one. No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned. Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now. So, we dissolved our contract.
Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:
Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email). The next day she came to my house so we could do so.
Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her. Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept. I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.
I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management. So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.
We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.
Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept. That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway. Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.
Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.
And that was it. Boy drove her home.
I am, to put it mildly, sad about it. It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well. But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.
The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this. I am not yet sure what I will do with it. At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it. If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage. I don't know yet.
So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy. He's upset about it too. We were a little family and now we have lost one.
Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.
As break ups go, it was a good one. No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned. Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now. So, we dissolved our contract.
Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:
Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email). The next day she came to my house so we could do so.
Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her. Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept. I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.
I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management. So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.
We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.
Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept. That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway. Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.
Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.
And that was it. Boy drove her home.
I am, to put it mildly, sad about it. It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well. But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.
The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this. I am not yet sure what I will do with it. At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it. If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage. I don't know yet.
So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy. He's upset about it too. We were a little family and now we have lost one.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Ch-Ch-Changes
Oh boy, blog, where do I even start.
Well, breakup wise, I am coping well. Sad, mourning, yes. But that's healthy. I'm having a little pity party at my place tonight, literally - I have some close friends coming around and we're going to drink and be merry. I may or may not talk about my feelings, but I feel that tonight will be the catalyst for me in terms of healing.
I am doing my best to be kind to myself. I'm succeeding. Clearly this is a thing that gets easier with practice. :)
In terms of the girl who has approached me - whose online handle is Serina so I think I'll stick with that in terms of what I call her on this blog - we spoke again this past week and discussed some options. I need a little extra time to mourn before I can take on a submissive, so we will speak again this coming Thursday.
But it is becoming clear to me that this is a thing that is happening, this is a change that is coming.
We've agreed to have a period of consideration of three months, where we can be D/s and see how well we work in those roles. After that, we'll see how we go. But we are both talking with a view to an eventual M/s relationship. If it all goes swimmingly, the fantasy-based-in-reality is that in a year, perhaps, we will move her into my house with me and the boy, and I will collar her.
Despite having been talking about this for a couple of weeks now and making plans very carefully that move very slowly but almost everyone's standards - this is all happening very fast for me. I'm a very slow person, I process things slowly and I make decisions with a lot of thought behind them.
I am trying to seize the day and all that without giving up my nature, which is to move slowly and carefully. I think that nature of mine is important and useful, especially when it comes to negotiating D/s relationships.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with that thought.
The coming three months will be interesting. It's going to be good though, not just to see how we work together, but this period of consideration is good for me as well - it gives me time to slowly get accustomed to expending energy on a new person. Which is something that I will take some time to get used to - after all, D/s wise, I have only had my boy for years now. I've learned to fill in time. Now I have to unlearn that a little, make my life a little more concise, so as to fit in the time to expend energy on a new person.
Huh, that was interesting. In a sentence I wrote and then deleted, I noticed that I seem to be struggling to type Serina's name with a capital letter. This is interesting because I've never particularly bought into the whole capitalization matters thing when it comes to D/s. Perhaps my feelings on that are changing.
Anyway.
Serina is very much interested in handing over control of as much as I am comfortable taking, it seems, and a sign of this is her desire to have me modify her. She is very adamant that at the very least I change her hair. I'm amused by this but it works well for me because that's something I am very interested in. So the first thing I will be doing once I officially place her under consideration is change her hair. :)
Well, breakup wise, I am coping well. Sad, mourning, yes. But that's healthy. I'm having a little pity party at my place tonight, literally - I have some close friends coming around and we're going to drink and be merry. I may or may not talk about my feelings, but I feel that tonight will be the catalyst for me in terms of healing.
I am doing my best to be kind to myself. I'm succeeding. Clearly this is a thing that gets easier with practice. :)
In terms of the girl who has approached me - whose online handle is Serina so I think I'll stick with that in terms of what I call her on this blog - we spoke again this past week and discussed some options. I need a little extra time to mourn before I can take on a submissive, so we will speak again this coming Thursday.
But it is becoming clear to me that this is a thing that is happening, this is a change that is coming.
We've agreed to have a period of consideration of three months, where we can be D/s and see how well we work in those roles. After that, we'll see how we go. But we are both talking with a view to an eventual M/s relationship. If it all goes swimmingly, the fantasy-based-in-reality is that in a year, perhaps, we will move her into my house with me and the boy, and I will collar her.
Despite having been talking about this for a couple of weeks now and making plans very carefully that move very slowly but almost everyone's standards - this is all happening very fast for me. I'm a very slow person, I process things slowly and I make decisions with a lot of thought behind them.
I am trying to seize the day and all that without giving up my nature, which is to move slowly and carefully. I think that nature of mine is important and useful, especially when it comes to negotiating D/s relationships.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with that thought.
The coming three months will be interesting. It's going to be good though, not just to see how we work together, but this period of consideration is good for me as well - it gives me time to slowly get accustomed to expending energy on a new person. Which is something that I will take some time to get used to - after all, D/s wise, I have only had my boy for years now. I've learned to fill in time. Now I have to unlearn that a little, make my life a little more concise, so as to fit in the time to expend energy on a new person.
Huh, that was interesting. In a sentence I wrote and then deleted, I noticed that I seem to be struggling to type Serina's name with a capital letter. This is interesting because I've never particularly bought into the whole capitalization matters thing when it comes to D/s. Perhaps my feelings on that are changing.
Anyway.
Serina is very much interested in handing over control of as much as I am comfortable taking, it seems, and a sign of this is her desire to have me modify her. She is very adamant that at the very least I change her hair. I'm amused by this but it works well for me because that's something I am very interested in. So the first thing I will be doing once I officially place her under consideration is change her hair. :)
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Break Ups and Approaches
A couple of nights ago, my vanilla girlfriend broke up with me. It was unfortunate and I'm pretty upset about it - we had been together for two and a half years. I am doing my best to cope with it and allow myself time to feel sad.
Barely 14 hours or so after the breakup, during a conversation which had been arranged a week or so in advance, another girl expressed interest in becoming my slave.
I'm a bit all over the place and I'm dealing with it all as best I can. I am a little worried about this girl, in that she has a tendency to jump into things without thinking, but if she is willing to show me she can be patient and thoughtful it seems very likely this may go somewhere.
So yes. Everything is happening at once. I am trying to get myself together while still allowing myself space to grieve. But nothing ever comes at a "good" time.
We will see what the coming weeks bring.
Barely 14 hours or so after the breakup, during a conversation which had been arranged a week or so in advance, another girl expressed interest in becoming my slave.
I'm a bit all over the place and I'm dealing with it all as best I can. I am a little worried about this girl, in that she has a tendency to jump into things without thinking, but if she is willing to show me she can be patient and thoughtful it seems very likely this may go somewhere.
So yes. Everything is happening at once. I am trying to get myself together while still allowing myself space to grieve. But nothing ever comes at a "good" time.
We will see what the coming weeks bring.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Last post for 2010
I wanted to get in a quick entry before the new year.
First, life blog housekeeping - Princess broke up with me. A week or two ago now (can't really remember). I'm doing fine, I had a lovely time seeing her over these last few months and I wish her all the best for the future.
In other news, tomorrow (well, more like in 8 hours or so, when 2011 begins) the boy will finally be released from his year of orgasm denial. He's been a very good boy and has had no orgasms throughout 2010. Finally, he can claim to be hardcore in one area of kink ;)
Finally, I will be ringing in the new year with a house party at mine, where we will have a spa, lube wrestling, and kinky goodness. And of course, I'll be spending it with people I adore, my chosen family, and my urban family.
First, life blog housekeeping - Princess broke up with me. A week or two ago now (can't really remember). I'm doing fine, I had a lovely time seeing her over these last few months and I wish her all the best for the future.
In other news, tomorrow (well, more like in 8 hours or so, when 2011 begins) the boy will finally be released from his year of orgasm denial. He's been a very good boy and has had no orgasms throughout 2010. Finally, he can claim to be hardcore in one area of kink ;)
Finally, I will be ringing in the new year with a house party at mine, where we will have a spa, lube wrestling, and kinky goodness. And of course, I'll be spending it with people I adore, my chosen family, and my urban family.
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