Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Intergenerational Friendships

I just posted this to Fetlife and I thought it should go here too.

~~~


This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of years, and I've started expressing it here and there to a few people, but I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts a little more.

I'm in my mid/late twenties.  I'm definitely an adult, in all ways, but I am still young.

My friends?  Their ages range from 15 to 70.  And I love that.  That's important to me.

Why?

Because often people in different generations don't want to listen to each other.  Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and thinks other generations are stupid in some way - older people think 'young people don't listen and don't know anything', younger people think 'old people are out of touch and don't know anything'.

They're all wrong of course.  Older people have experience and knowledge that only comes with time.  Young people have fresh, new hope and ideas.

I am dedicated to maintaining my intergenerational friendships.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to learn and I want to teach - and not just learn from my elders and teach my youngers (although certainly that is a huge part of it), but the other way as well.

I am extremely aware of the gaps in my own knowledge of my cultural history.  As a trans person, as a queer man, as a Leather man... what do I know of my history?  I know a lot more than most people my age about my cultural history, but it's still not enough.

I don't want to lose people.  I don't want to lose history.  I want to know what it was like for people like me twenty years ago, fifty years ago, a hundred years ago.  I want to know my history.  I want to be able to share my history with those who come after me.

Unfortunately there are huge gaps for more reasons than just a lack of intergenerational friendships, but that's stuff I want to know too.  I remember sitting and listening to people talk about what it was like at the height of the AIDS crisis, to attend funeral after funeral, week after week.  I don't want to be shielded from those hard truths.  I want to know them.  I want to appreciate them.  I want to be aware of everything those before me have gone through.

I want to know my history.  I want to know your history.  I want to remember everything me and people like me go through.

And I want to remind you that things change.  I want to help you know that even though it seems like 'kids these days' don't care, they do.  They may care in a different way, but they still care.  We are redefining so much, the same way you did.  We are your heirs in more ways than one - we are like you.

Maybe that's why we frustrate each other, though.  Maybe our elders see themselves in us young people, and maybe us young people see people we may become in our elders - and in both directions, maybe it scares us a little bit.

But it shouldn't - it should be a good thing.  This is what community is, what it could be.

I don't want to be in a bubble of my own generation.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to be a part of a history and be aware of that fact, I don't want to pretend that everyone before me is useless and everyone after me is stupid.

Intergenerational friendships are vital to me, because they show me that I am a part of something.  They help me acknowledge the cyclical nature of cultures and histories.  They help me learn more about my cultural past.  They help me look forward to my cultural future.

Scent Marking

Sorry for the absence! I've been very, very ill, unfortunately. But I am starting to get a hold of how to keep up with things, even if my health doesn't seem to be improving just yet.

Ages and ages ago I wrote about scent-marking. It took a long time but we finally got around to that.

Today we went to a perfumery to have a good whiff of the Demeter fragrances they stock. (Demeter has long been my favourite scent company.)

We smelled almost every bottle they had. After all what we were looking for had to fit a lot of criteria. It had to:

* Be something that *I* like the smell of
* Be something that *boy* likes the smell of
* Be something that speaks to us both on an emotional level

Oh boy, I had no idea how complicated this would get. As we went through the testers we quickly discovered that we both have almost opposite preferences in scents, and the few scents that we did both like did not speak to us emotionally.

In the end we did find something though.

I'm an *extremely* scent-oriented person. A long time ago, I used to wear Demeter's "Rain" fragrance almost all the time. It speaks to me very strongly. I, and those I was close to, quickly came to associate that scent with me. I stopped wearing it a few years ago, not for any particular reason... I just ran out of the scent and never got around to buying more.

Since we were at the perfumery anyway, boy wanted to buy me another bottle of it as a gift, which was very sweet of him. :)

As we compared and discussed all the other scents in terms of what we liked and also what spoke to us, it eventually became clear that Demeter's "Ocean" fragrance was going to be the choice. It is something we both find very pleasant to smell, and its notes are related, but not the same, as my "Rain" fragrance. So in this sense it is a fitting scent to mark the boy with as mine - related to me, similar, under my influence, but still different.

I can't speak for the boy, but on a personal level, because smell is such an important thing to me, it was very important that the scent we choose make me feel something deep inside, a growling sense of ownership in my gut. The "Ocean" scent gave me that feeling, so I was glad to settle on it.

Boy is presently in the shower, and when he gets out I will be having him kneel before me, and I will spray him gently once at the back of his neck and once at the front of his neck, marking him as my property and my family.

I am very happy about this. :)

On Earning Leather

I had the realization recently, as I discussed things with my boy over dinner one night, that I'm not sure I will ever buy myself more leather.

Of the leather I own, I own boots and I own a vest. That is all. I do not even own a belt, because I wear rope as a belt - because rope is precious to me and I like to have it on hand at all times. I wear the rope knotted on my left side, so it also functions as a flag.

My vest is incredibly important to me. I wrote about my vest when I bought it.

My vest is a promise, to myself, that I will always strive to be better. My vest is my way of constantly checking that I am on the path I want to be on.

Every time I pull on my vest, I ask myself: am I working towards being the person I want to be? Am I working to be compassionate, generous, kind? Am I working to be thoughtful, courageous, a man of integrity?

If the answer is yes, I wear my vest with pride.

If the answer is no, I take my vest off and it stays off until the answer is yes.

So my vest has incredible meaning for me.

The discussion of chaps came up, and boy expressed a desire to see me in a pair of chaps - and I admitted, somewhat surprised at myself, that I don't think I will be buying myself any more leather.

Earning leather is a tricky thing. On one hand, I think it's a beautiful and incredibly meaningful tradition among Leather people. On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why someone may prefer to buy their own leather rather than earning it - hell, as I said, I bought my own vest, and that doesn't leave it with any less meaning. And of course there will be plenty of Leather people who don't feel their leather needs to have a purpose at all, and buy it just for the look, the smell, the sex appeal.

But for me?

For me, I don't think I'd be comfortable buying any more leather. Perhaps it's a product of my years as a martial artist - but I don't seek to raise my own level, as it were. To me that feels empty.

And for me, I do not have a mentor. Nor do I really have a Leather family - I have my boy and at present it's just the two of us. So there is no one to grant me leather, as it were. Perhaps one day I will be enough a part of the community that it could come from there, but I am not certain that will ever eventuate.

These two facts combine, and it leads to this: I doubt I will ever own any further leather than I already own.

What surprised me is that I'm actually 100% comfortable with this.

I have no desire to be some kind of God of Leather. If I have the respect of my boy and my peers, that is enough for me. If I feel safe and comfortable in the leather I own, that is enough for me.

My journey as a Leather Sir does not rely on me 'levelling up'. It relies on me simply being true to myself.

Larry Townsend's "Leatherman's Handbook"

Hi blog! I haven't forgotten you. As I've mentioned in many previous entries, life's just been crazy. Anyway, here I am.

While I do have a lot I could talk about, it's all pretty much not-quite-formed in my head and there's a lot going on, so I thought I'd talk about my birthday, or more specifically, a birthday gift I received.

I received a copy of "Leatherman's Handbook" by Larry Townsend, the silver jubilee edition. Having now read through it like a starving person let loose on a buffet, I thought I'd blog a few of my thoughts.

The first thing I feel people should know about this book is that it isn't really a 'how to' book. I'm sure it was, back in the day, but if you're looking for instructions, this isn't the book to go to.

What this book is, is a beautiful snapshot of history and culture, wrapped up in memories that will get your cock hard.

I didn't really know what to expect from this book, I must admit. I knew that it was one of the first books of its kind and I knew that it was originally published in the early 70s, when things were very different both in Leather and for queers. Other than that, I didn't really know much about it, and I'm kind of glad of that because it means I had no expectations to either be met or let down.

It's such a rich book, with so much atmosphere. It makes me feel like a time traveller, catching glimmers of my past and my cultural history through the words on the page.

I didn't expect so much of the book to be true erotic stories of people's encounters, but I can't say that it was an unpleasant surprise. In a sense I feel like maybe it's better than a 'how to' book on that matter, because it shows you what a scene should feel like, shows you what can be accomplished in a Leather session, without getting bogged down in the details of how the mechanics should work.

What's really interesting in the book is reading the notes that the author has put in, 25 years later, about what's changed in comparison to what he had originally written. Some of these notes give a sense of scale to the book that it might not otherwise have.

While I did find some of the author's attitudes, especially towards women, queens, and nelly fags, a little bit offputting, I can chalk it up to a different culture and move on without it impacting my enjoyment of the book too much.

It's hard to write a review of this book, because it's such a personal book, if that makes sense. People will get out of it what they put into it. It's certainly, if nothing else, an incredibly important historical text for people like us. If you're a bit of a nerd like me, then it's an absolute must buy for your library. If you like hot Leather man porn, you could do a lot worse than having this on your bookshelf. If you're looking for a dry instruction manual on Leather culture and practises, however, this isn't it, and you should keep looking - perhaps consider the Leatherboy Handbook instead, which I'll write about sometime soon and you can compare.

An important piece of history that I get to keep close to me. I'm really, very glad I own this book.

Bird Cage Chastity Updates

The majority of this blog's google hits are related to chastity, often specifically about the Bird Cage Chastity Device. So I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

Boy's had the bird cage for about six months now. He hasn't been wearing it that whole time, sorry to disappoint.

Some great things about the bird cage include:

* It's visual appeal. I can't stress enough how much I like the look of the bird cage, much more than ANY other chastity device I've ever seen. It's lovely to look at, both just because it is and also because it looks like a cage, which psychologically works really well.

* Comfort. In the short term (and generally in the long term, but more on that in a moment) boy says that it's very comfortable.

* Metal. It's made of metal, which I like best, certainly better than plastic or silicone. Sure it means boy can't go through airport security with it on, but seriously, he doesn't fly for his job so how often is this going to be a concern really?

* Price. The bird cage is the cheapest chastity option I've seen that fits our requirements, and so far it's the best. Sometimes things aren't better just because they cost more. In fact, the boy's CB6000 broke with less than a year's usage. The bird cage has had no such glitches.

* Pinching - or more specifically, a lack thereof. The boy's foreskin suffers no accidental pinching while he's wearing the bird cage, unlike the CB6000.

* It's much easier to get on than a lot of other chastity devices.

I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think of right now.

Some of the less great things about the bird cage:

* Abrasion. Some parts of the boy's genitals do get abraded and uncomfortable if he wears it for a few weeks. Silicone lube applied after every shower certainly slows this down, but doesn't stop it completely. This isn't necessarily a horrible thing about the bird cage - it's probably for the best to have a rest from chastity devices every few weeks anyway, so this forces that. On the down side, this forces that.

* Bulk. It is a little bulkier than most other chastity devices. I don't consider this a bad thing necessarily but apparently it does make the boy feel a little self conscious in some situations.

* A regular padlock doesn't sit quite right on it, the lock isn't thin enough or long enough or something, and so it tends to sit on its side. It still locks securely, there's no problem there, it just doesn't look asymmetrical. The lock that came WITH the cage sat just fine, but we have keyed alike locks for the cage and the boy's collar for ease of unlocking, and keeping only one key on the keyring.

So there you have it. It's an exceptionally good buy, especially for its price. I like it a lot better than some of the more expensive chastity devices. It does have its flaws, however. But don't let that stop you from buying one if you're considering it. It's one of the best purchases I've ever made.

More Perfume Business

So I wanted to talk a bit more about the High Protocol dinner that's happening in a few days. But I can't think of anything to say other than ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I'm a little nervous, though the nerves are starting to settle as we get closer and closer to the day (which is unusual, nerves usually get worse the closer you get, but hey, I'm not complaining).

I don't want to just not write anything though, because I've been a bit slack with this blog recently due to aforementioned family drama occupying most of my mental energy. But I love this blog. Sooo... screw you, family drama. I'm going to write about stuff.

I noticed recently that my post on marking territory with perfume was linked elsewhere on the intertubes, and I realize that I wrote in that that I would keep you updated, so I thought I might do that.

I haven't done anything on that front yet because I still haven't found the scent I want. Admittedly recently I haven't been looking very hard, but still.

I still plan to buy a scent to mark the boy with, once I find the right one. At the moment I am thinking I will investigate the Demeter Fragrance Library, as I've owned scents by them before and enjoyed their scent very much. I know everyone recommends BPAL for perfumes, but honestly I've yet to smell a BPAL scent that I actually enjoy.

I've been a little tempted by ZOMG Smells as I've smelled a couple of their scents, but I'm not sure I want to spend the money on buying a shit tonne of samples just to find the right one.

Demeter, though, I know I can buy locally, which means I can go in and sniff all the bottles like the crazed scent freak I am. Plus I can take the boy with me and make sure that whatever I pick isn't something he completely despises.

So that's about where that is. It's still on the table, but nothing new has happened, because I'm a lazy fuck.

And if you think it's weird that a masculine man might be into perfume, particularly into putting perfume on another man... then I suggest you need to wonder why straight men like it when women wear it. :P

The line between play and life.

Today I was thinking that what I really want right now is a friend or two (or a few) who I can have come over, have tea or dinner or something, and just chat and hang about, and have my boy serve us all.

The thing is that this is surprisingly hard to figure out.

For example, said friends need to be comfortable accepting service in what is clearly a D/s way, HOWEVER, I don't want them thinking that the boy is public property and can be bossed around by anyone. I need the friends to respect him more as a waiter than as a submissive, I suppose.

But I do want it to have that D/s flavour, which means they can't be totally vanilla or kinky-but-vanilla-in-friendship-with-me.

So I'm thinking. About all the bits and bobs of this - not just who I could invite to such a thing, but also what little things I need to organize before I could do it anyway, like training the boy in certain ways and buying a few bits and pieces that I don't currently own. Also I want to organize a couple of outfits for the boy, because clothes make the man as they say. :)

Quick sexual/lifestyle frustration stream of consciousness post...

I adore my boy and everything he is and everything we have. Our dynamic is very much about support and service and thriving without struggle.

But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.

One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…

Receiving Service with a Smile

Service is a big part of the relationship between the boy and me. I feel valued when boy performs service for me, and boy feels valued when he can provide me with service. It's a good arrangement.

However there are snags. I am disabled, and I have trouble accepting service for things I am unable to do myself. Much of the housework, for example, is something that the boy enjoys to do as service to me - but I struggle with that, because he is doing it because he has to, not because he wants to. This is of course the reason why I hired a cleaner a while back. She comes twice a month and does all the big cleaning like scrubbing the showers and mopping the floors. Her, I am paying money and so there is a clear exchange going on that makes it okay for me to accept.

But it's always been a struggle with the boy. Even though I know he enjoys serving me, I am always worried that he will resent me for "not pulling my weight".

Anyway, recently I've been finding it easier to accept things like housework as service. I'm not sure what's changed, but it's good.

The thing that makes service special is when it is received in a meaningful way. One of the struggles with how I feel about housework as service is that despite all my above-mentioned issues, I have always *wanted* to appreciate housework service in the same way that I appreciate the other ways boy serves me.

So, I am changing in the best possible way. I am finding it easier and easier to receive service with a smile.

100th Post!

So this is my 100th post to this blog!

I feel like I should do something important, like make a special post or run a contest or something, but honestly I can't think of anything. So I suppose I'll just talk about my life in Leather and where I'm at at the moment. That's still a pretty decent thing to do for my 100th post, I think.

So let's talk about the boy, first. Boy and I are doing very well. Our fifth anniversary is coming up in a bit over six months and I'm already freaking out about it a little - this is the longest and most successful relationship I've ever had (admittedly not that big of a deal at my young age of 25), and it shows no signs of cracking or going downhill any time soon. We suit each other very well and are very compatible both now and in the long term. Things are really good between us.

My own journey is plodding along very nicely. I am a slow sort of person by nature, I like to think about things a lot and move slowly, and I am moving perfectly well at my own pace. I am valuing the journey very much.

I am well connected in my community to many friends and acquaintances that enrich my life and make being a part of the community as important to my Leather life as my inclination to D/s. Even though I'm very shy and I'm still struggling with that (and probably will for some time yet), I have only ever been welcomed and treated with love and care.

I am passively in the market for a slave, but I am not looking very hard yet. I am still sorting out some details in my life before I worry about actively looking.

Despite recent challenges, my life is going extremely well and I feel that Leather enriches my life and fulfils me in a very important way.

So that's my 100th post. Life is good. I am happy.

New Toy!

The boy's chastity device arrived today! World record speed delivery from extreme restraints. I must say that I really enjoy their service and products. Even when posting to Australia things arrive quickly.

I opened it up and had a look. It's VERY shiny. I like it a lot.

I left it out on the table for when boy got home.

He came home and I made a big deal of showing it to him. Also, I told him that he wasn't allowed to touch it.

So I left it there, occasionally stroking it. I enjoy this form of torment. This thing that the boy wants so badly is right there in front of him, but he's not allowed to have it. To make it worse, it's something most people would run away from. I laughed and told him how lucky he is, that the device isn't on him, that he's allowed to have as many orgasms as he wants at the moment... because I'm so nice, you see, that's why the chastity device is just sitting there, not being on him.

There's a few aspects to this. One, of course, the boy is very much into chastity. But the more important thing is that the bird cage is a new toy, and whenever anyone gets a new toy they want to play with it. Having it just sit there, completely within reach but forbidden, is pretty much torture for the boy. But it's fun for me!

I was going to let him try it on before bed, but only if he wanted it badly enough. After the world's WORST begging, I decided that he really doesn't want it that badly. So he's gone to bed without touching it.

I'll be taking it into my room tonight, just to make sure he doesn't get any funny ideas about touching it tomorrow morning. :P

Bird Cage Chastity Device

So my plans for my anniversary gift for the boy fell through, so I moved on to another plan. A couple of days ago I ordered him a bird cage chastity device, from extreme restraints.

We already own a cb6000, but it's too small for him, and it pinches his foreskin badly. I knew this was going to happen when he bought it, and I told him so, but he insisted it would be okay. :P Let it be a lesson: Daddy is always right.

But, this time *I* am the buyer, not the boy, so I got to actually do measurements and figure things out, and I'm pretty confident that it will actually be comfortable for him to wear.

Also, the bird cage design is the only chastity device I've seen of which I actually enjoy its aesthetic appeal. Most chastity devices I find very boring to look at at best, and ugly at worst. The bird cage is attractive to look at, which is a huge plus in my book.

I find it funny that the boy is generally seen to be fairly light in regards to kink, because he is not into pain. He is into sensation and service and chastity and orgasm denial and tickling. All completely common kinks, but for some reason it gives the impression that he's not 'serious' about kink.

Don't get me wrong, I tease him about being a pansy all the time, but I think people forget that pansies are beautiful, delicate flowers that give us pleasure to have and look at.

But anyway, I think a lot of people think of us as a vanilla couple first, because they know I am soft on him in many ways - and sure, I am, in many ways, but not in all ways. I push him in many areas, I challenge him and yes, I do mean things to him. Just because they are not traditionally sadistic things doesn't make them any less awesomely mean.

Example. When I reach towards his mid section he automatically startles and tries to deflect, because surprise!tickles are a frequent occurrence. Mind fucks become easy, all I have to do is rest my hand over his ribs gently and not tickle him, it freaks him out.

Chastity, too, is an interesting one. People are all "oh yeah, chastity, whatever", but when I tell people that boy went an entire year without an orgasm their eyes go wide and it's like they've suddenly realized that you can be hardcore at anything.

You can be hardcore at anything.

But more importantly, why the fuck does it matter?

Don't get me wrong, I'm an edge player, and I love it. But I don't like that people think 'soft' fetishes somehow make people less serious players. It doesn't.

Anyway, little tangent there, sorry.

Back onto chastity. I didn't know I was into chastity until I agreed to help the boy explore his chastity fetish. And then VWHOOMP. New fetish alert. Now, I'm probably as into it as he is.

And I like it for practical reasons as well as sexy ones. Chastity is something I can do that doesn't wear me out. Chastity is something I can do even when I'm going through asexual phases. Chastity makes me feel even more secure in our relationship.

Chastity is pretty awesome. I can't wait to get the new cage onto the boy and start threatening to throw away the key, heh. (I've promised that I won't lock him up permanently... while we're in our twenties. I'll think about it again maybe when we're in our fifties. ;))

UPDATE 25/8/2011: I've written an update on the bird cage chastity device, and its pros and cons. You can find that post here: http://diaryofaleatherman.blogspot.com/2011/08/bird-cage-chastity-updates.html

Punishments

With some little rules the boy has, I don't feel like punishing every single time he breaks them would be productive. So we have a three strike system, for things like being in bed on time or starting to eat before I do.

He had his three strikes with the bed time rule recently, so he got ten strikes with the cane.

Normally I am against using play equipment for punishment within D/s relationships - after all, that stuff is the stuff we use for fun, it shouldn't be used as punishment, or it confuses everyone and can lead to breaking rules just for punishing.

But the thing is, that the boy is not a pain slut, and the boy does not like the cane already. So I don't feel that it's confusing to use the cane to punish him.

I tell you what though, it's hard to punish sometimes. Every stroke of the cane felt like I was thwacking my own heart. I am terribly soft hearted about the boy, I love him dearly and I don't like seeing him in pain or punished. Especially because he works so very hard to be the best boy he can be. So punishments for him end up being tests of my endurance as much as his.

Afterwards we had a cuddle and he sniffled that he doesn't like being punished, which REALLY DID NOT HELP MY BLEEDING HEART. But I then felt better we he continued, "made me hard though". :P

Anniversaries & Sex & Tumblrs

Yesterday was my fourth anniversary with the boy, which makes this officially the longest relationship either of us has had. Probably doesn't sound like that long, but I am only 25 and boy is only 26, so the ratio of relationship to life lived is pretty good, I think. :)

I have pretty poor luck with anniversaries; it started with my first relationship, where my first anniversary ever was spent in tears as my boyfriend dumped me on that day (poor timing on his part, much?). Since then all kinds of disasters have occurred on anniversaries. But I keep celebrating them stubbornly.

Yesterday wasn't much of an exception; first I forgot my ID, which you kind of need in casinos. Then later in the evening, we got evacuated from Crown cinemas and didn't get to see our trashy gay ass film because there was flood damage!! Flash floods in Melbourne were determined to make a farce of our anniversary. But that's okay. Farces do tend to be funny after all :)

The two really good bits of our anniversary was first, the sushi train we went to (which has now lead to boy calling me Sushi Cat, because I am blue (true) and fat (true) and defy physics (less true). Secondly, the great sex we had before bed. Which was good, because we haven't had a lot of time or energy for sex recently. Something we should probably both work on.

Sex is a tricky issue - in the last few years I've been discovering that I can feel completely fulfilled without sex. Which is actually kind of a problem because it lowers the priority of sex in my life, and that's not what I want to happen. But, I have plans in place for improving my sex drive and finding the time to spend plenty of sexytime with the boy in the coming months.

Finally, just a quick note about tumblr (a service that really needs to buy a vowel) - I've started a tumblr to act as a sort of portfolio for my ropework. If you're interested it's over here: ropebyerinkyan.tumblr.com/

New little rituals.

Okay, one new little ritual. I recently introduced a new rule/protocol for the boy. Whenever we eat together now, whether it's at home or not, he's not allowed to start eating until I either:

* Pick up my utensil with the intent to eat.
* Pick up the food with the intent to eat.
* Tell him he can start.

I never used to be into this type of protocol, but all of a sudden, I'm all about it. Isn't it funny how tastes change over time. A bit like food really. I hated avocado once, too, but recently I eat it on everything.

This habit of things shifting as our tastes change is very healthy, I feel. Relationships should be fun and improve the happiness of the people in them.

A quick guide to flagging.

This blog gets a lot of search hits for things like "hanky code" and "flagging hunter green" and things like that, so for those of you stumbling across this in your search for flagging information, here is a short, quick guide to flagging.

First, a disclaimer, flagging does change from region to region and subculture to subculture (flagging in queer circles is different from flagging in Leather circles, and that's different from flagging in mainstream gay circles, etc). So just be careful of that. My knowledge is all from Australian flagging, and the closest thing we have to global Leather flagging (thanks to the internet!).

Flagging can be done with hankies (or bandannas), keys, chains, leather straps, cuffs, or ribbons. You can also use other things, of course, but the chances of it being recognized as a flag is lower than it is for these items.

To flag as a top, the item goes on your left. To flag as a bottom, the item goes on your right. To flag as a switch, the item goes in the middle.

There's also the issue of flagging via your neck - in some cases, this simply means switch, but in other cases it means hardcore. You can still flag left or right if you tie a hanky around your neck - the knot goes on the side that you're flagging. In short, be cautious when flagging with your neck.

Some other notes about flagging, before we get to colours:

If you're flagging with keys, some people take keys out to mean "available" and keys tucked into your pocket to mean "unavailable".

You can also flag switch by wearing two of whatever, one on each side. This is most commonly seen with cuffs or leather straps.

Be aware of the culture you're flagging in. You can probably flag whatever and however you like at a queer event, but if you're going to a Leather event make sure your hankies are clean and ironed, and that you're not flagging too many (maximum of two).

Now, about colours.

There are a million lists on the internet about hanky code colours (here are a couple: [link one] and [link two]) so I'm not going to list them all.

Now, some are more common than others. By all means flag whatever you like, but be aware that if it's an obscure one, then people may not know what you're flagging. Not everyone has the entire list memorized, for good reason :) Also the need to know the whole list is unnecessary; you generally only have to know the ones you're into.

Now let's talk about where to get items to flag with.

Most of the things I mentioned are easy to get (like ribbons and chains) or you already have (like your keys). Actual hankies, well, you can get them wherever you like too. I can't speak for other countries but here in Australia there's a certain type of bandanna that is the most common form of colour hanky flagging.

You can get bandannas specifically for flagging from most Leather & BDSM stores here in Australia. Here in Melbourne, mine came from Mannhaus, and I have also seen them at Eagle Leather and Lucrezia De Sade.

On a final note, I've already mentioned different cultures around flagging. Again, I can't speak for anywhere but here, but in the Leather culture here, it is common for hankies to be earned like leathers. They are often given as a gift for actually doing the thing that it flags, and doing it well. Your mileage may vary.

So that's that - I know that's a lot of information, but no one can claim that my introductions aren't thorough. :)

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2011! I have really good feelings about this year, I think it's going to be a good one.

My new years resolution is to stress less. The last - well, the last four or five years have been pretty stressful for me, so this year I'm focussing on caring for myself, having fun, and generally improving my health via stress relief (after all, stress is one of the big killers).

I used to be very against new years resolutions, saying that people shouldn't only want to change once a year, and blah blah, you've heard all those arguments before I'm sure. But then I came to realize that a) new years resolutions are a ritual, and rituals are important, b) resolving to change something at new years doesn't mean you won't also change things at other points in the year and c) why not resolve to change something you want to change at new years?

Anyway!

Boy completed his year of orgasm denial, and we slipped away a minute or two after midnight for his release. It was apparently worth the wait. :)

The adventure of orgasm denial and chastity was not one I expected. I had no interest in it at first, but it was a big kink of the boy's, so I indulged. Starting out slow, I soon came to learn that I'm actually quite into it. The year of orgasm denial showed me that this is now my kink, as well.

Last night I read through the entirety of my blog, and I realized that I wanted to update you all on the situation discussed in this entry.

The person we helped remove from a toxic situation? Is now not only in a happy, healthy position themselves, but is now set up to begin actively contributing to the community. Without going into detail, I can honestly say they're going to be tremendous help to the community and give a lot to us as a whole. I am so very, very pleased. About all of that.

And finally for this first entry of the new year, on January 1 I received a well written, polite, and charming message in my fetlife inbox from someone seeking to be the best slave they can be. What an amazing start to the new year.

Happy new years, everyone. I hope 2011 shapes up to be your best yet. :)

One Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of my collaring the boy.

It doesn't feel like it! It feels like perhaps a few months have passed. This last year has just flown by.

I'm very happy with my boy. We've had very few problems, and the ones we've had have all been minor and easily solved with some simple communication and brainstorming.

We have a couple of rituals, but not many - it turns out that we're not as high protocol as we think we are. But the little rituals we do have are very cherished.

We've been together almost four years now, and officially D/s for one of those years. It sometimes feels like a dream in how easy it all is. We are so well matched for each other.

There's a joke in the D/s scene that 1 D/s year is equal to 3 vanilla years in relationships. I think there is something to that, because I feel that D/s relationships probably burn a little hotter than vanilla ones (thus, problems will appear sooner, be bigger deals). Intensity is a wonderful thing but too much of it cuts things short very quickly.

Boy and I do not have a particularly intense relationship. That might sound like a criticism at first, but it's truly not - it's actually wonderful. We are relaxed and happy in our relationship. We love each other dearly, and I feel that we don't take each other for granted at all. We spread the intensity over each moment of the day.

I feel like my D/s relationship with my boy is only just getting started. I think we have many more happy years ahead of us, where we will both grow and learn and enjoy each other as much as we have done this past year - or indeed, this last four years.

And I can't wait for the adventure to continue.

Chores

I have made a decision. And more interestingly, I've made a decision that affects the boy without consulting him about it.

First, the decision - I've decided I'm going to hire a cleaner. Once a fortnight, perhaps once a week if I can afford it.

The reason is that while the boy is happy to do most of the chores around the house, it's clear that it's just that little bit too much for him to handle. It's making him cranky and eating all his spare time. And while he's got a handle on the stuff that he has no wriggle room for - his daily chores - the stuff that just need doing every so often isn't working out so well, even though we're sort of trying a system. It's clear that it's becoming a problem.

This is something boy and I talked about when we were in the process of moving in together. Being disabled, I can't do many chores, and I was hesitant to ask him to keep the house clean as his entire responsibility. This is because I was worried that he might come to resent it. He hasn't come to resent it, and he very much enjoys serving me... but all the cleaning is eating into his spare time, and it is eating into time he could be spending on improving his life, or at the very least, time he could be spending giving attention to me. :P

So while I know the boy doesn't mind doing all the chores himself, I'm no longer okay with it. I stress about it a lot, worry that he's going to start resenting me any second now, worry that he's pushing himself too hard, worry about everything. So I've decided to hire a cleaner.

It's a perfect solution, because it doesn't remove his daily chores, but it does ease up on all the other bits and pieces that stress me out and make his life harder.

Now normally, when you make a decision that affects someone, you talk to them about it. But I haven't mentioned this to boy yet. Partially because this was a decision I literally made overnight, and I haven't seen him yet since making it. (I will, of course, talk to him about it when he gets home from work.)

But the big reason is because this is non-negotiable, as far as I'm concerned. Him doing all the chores is upsetting me, and it's something that's easily fixed. I'm not going to ask him to put money towards it (though he is allowed to), and as I said, it doesn't affect his daily routines.

But it's something that has to happen, for me to be happy. So I could discuss it with him first, but the outcome is going to be the same. So I've just cut out the middle part and made the decision. We'll still talk about it, but unless he has some extremely impressive reason against it, it's going to happen.

Also, as his Daddy, and as head of this house... this exactly the kind of thing that I have the authority to make decisions about.

And you know, if for some strange reason this is a problem and we have a fight... well, we get to flex our conflict resolution skills, and I'll have something else to write about. :)