Identity Questions

I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.   Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).  I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?

Gestating

Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Reconnecting

The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.  What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am, slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.  Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

Limited

I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.  Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

Getting Back Into the Swing of Things

Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.  I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.  D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.  Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.  And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.

Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.

Long time no blog, once again.  Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.

My mother died.  It's been... incredibly difficult.  I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much.  Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly.  She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks.  On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.

More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.

It was serendipitous.  I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.

Well joke's on my brain, I suppose.  Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post.  She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.

So, long story short, we are trying again.  I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here.  Perhaps I will another time.

For now, we are starting fresh.  We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.

I am optimistic about the future.  I am also very, very tired, heh.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing

Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about.  My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.

That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well.  So things are actually going pretty well.

So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM.  Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other.  From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.

It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first.  And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.

Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv.  Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other.  It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship.  It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.

Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit.  I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.

I also miss having a family unit.  Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard.  The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing.  But now... well.  There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.

I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually.  Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.

Mourning Pieces

It's been two months since my last post about serina and I parting ways, and I've been spending most of that time mourning, as I'm sure you understand.

It's been hard because there's three parts to my grief - the first is the obvious, my partner and I have split up, and I am sad about that.  Not just for the relationship that was, but also for the future that will now never be.  When you have planned many years together and it gets cut short, you need to take the time to mourn for that future as well.

The second part is mourning the loss of a family member.  She was a part of our lives and our household, and we were finding the rhythm to improve our lives by utilizing the strengths of each of us.  The house feels so much bigger and emptier.  My social calendar no longer contains as many important dates and events.  We have to reconfigure household chores.  Household holidays and celebrations (like upcoming christmas) are one person less joyful.

And the third part is the mourning the loss of a slave in training.  I have mentioned briefly before that submissives are not the only ones who crave D/s relationships and feel less than complete without them.  I've been having D/s relationships for just over ten years now, and there has always been a hole inside me where I am waiting for the right slave/property to come fill it in.  It's a hole that can only be filled by a slave, not a boy, not a princess, not a pet.  Only a slave, though the labels of course don't matter as much as the dynamic.  I don't know what the labels of our dynamic might be, I only know that there is a hole in my heart where I am waiting for someone.

That hole had slowly begun to close with serina.  We were approaching the type of relationship that I have been looking for all these years.  I was able to focus better, I was a better person, because I was beginning to lack the decade old ache inside my chest.

But now, of course, it's opening up again.  And I am by no means ready to start a new relationship right now, which makes the pain all the more noticeable, because I can do nothing about it right now.  All I can do is mourn for what was and try to move on to a place where I am ready for the new to come in.

The collar is still on my desk.  Soon I will be taking it on a trip to the countryside and burying it somewhere there.  I am determined to get it done before the new year, I want to start 2014 having cast off this relationship for good.  Because new years is important to me, it's my most personally important holiday.  I need to cast off the last physical remainder of what was so that I can move forward in the new year.

And one day, I will find the right person for that hole in my chest, as well as many other wonderful relationships I will have, I am sure.  But for now, I heal.

Parting Ways

Ah, I've put off making this post for a couple of days, but now it's the last thing that needs doing before it's all "done" in my mind, so here it is.

Pet--well, serina--and I parted ways a couple of days ago.

As break ups go, it was a good one.  No one did anything wrong and there's no blame to be assigned.  Put simply, she realized that slavery is not the right thing for her right now.  So, we dissolved our contract.

Because a lot of people use my blog as a learning tool, here is how it happened and how we did so with grace:

Once she asked for release and I agreed, we made a time to sort through the details (the release happened when we were apart, via email).  The next day she came to my house so we could do so.

Clothes that I bought for her using her money, I bagged up and gave to her.  Some of the clothes I bought her using my money, I kept.  I don't know if I will ever have another sub who is the right gender and size to wear them, but I am fond of them and I wanted to keep them as an option.

I removed her, or she removed herself, from apps that we used for household management.  So she was removed from the gps tracking app I have, she was removed from the to do list app we use, and we deleted each other's calendars from our accounts.

We discussed social networks briefly - I told her that I had no intention of removing her from my social networks but that if I change my mind on that in the coming weeks not to take it too personally.

Her boots, that I bought for her as her first earned leather, she kept.  That might sound natural but I feel it's worth mentioning anyway.  Regardless of where she goes in life she earned those, they are hers.

Finally, she returned the key to my house, and the collar I had her wear.

And that was it.  Boy drove her home.

I am, to put it mildly, sad about it.  It came out of nowhere to me, as far as I knew we were doing very well.  But... well, it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.

The collar is sitting on the desk in front of me as I type this.  I am not yet sure what I will do with it.  At the moment I think that in a couple of weeks or so, once I have felt the worst of the grief, I may bury it.  If I don't do that, then I may just put it in a box in storage.  I don't know yet.

So, it's just the two of us again, me and boy.  He's upset about it too.  We were a little family and now we have lost one.

Still not much to update, but I missed you, blog.

Still rather ill.  Not a lot has changed since my last entry - although my health does seem to be slowly on its way up, which is good.  Now I just have to not go overboard and wreck it again, heh.

I can't remember if I blogged about this, but pet has another relationship at the moment.  I allow her to have any vanilla sexual relationships that she wants, and while this started out that way... heh.  Pet is one of those people who falls into relationships and honestly I was not particularly surprised when it happened.

She has had her boi for a few months or so now, they are exploring a power exchange dynamic where pet is the dominant.  I'll refer to her boi here on my blog simply as q, hopefully that won't be too confusing.

Q is very new to D/s and BDSM, as far as I know this is the first time they have dabbled in it at all.  Pet has learned a lot from me about how to slowly introducing things in relationships so that seems to be coming along well.  They recently had their three month negotiation that I sat in on, so things are going well there.

It's an interesting thing, the chain of command.  Because while I have no issue with my subs having their own subs, there are practical aspects to consider.  I am high maintenance at the best of times, and at the end of the day if I'm your dominant, I come first.  Simple as that.  Any relationship that might interfere with that is not welcome.

Which isn't to say I'm draconian about it.  I don't mind what my subs get up to when they're not directly interacting with me or following orders, as long as it is something of which I would approve.  Every breath and action my subs take is somewhat of a reflection of me, and that means they need to be living up to my standards as much as possible.  Unfortunately for them my standards get more draconian the more years they are involved with me, heh.  :)

It's not difficult to have a submissive who has a submissive, but having a slave who has a submissive may well be so.  I am however not particularly worried, everyone has been very clear about the chain of command and where everyone falls, and that takes about 6000% of the difficulty out of the situation.

Things are very early days and we will see how things go.  Q has shown an interest in becoming part of the family unit as time goes on, which is a very positive sign for the future of their and pet's relationship.

I'm sorry if this post is a little disjointed or strange, I'm still quite ill and brainfoggy and so I'm not as articulate as I might normally be.  I hope you're all doing well, readers.  :)

Withholding

First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry.  This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you.  ♥

~~~

D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.

Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem.  I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.

One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant.  You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings.  You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted.  You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.

Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions.  That's okay.  These are, by design, unequal relationships.  If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.

That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs.  Not at all.  Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.

This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.

No.  Silly submissives, that's not how this works.

Tell me everything.  Give me everything.  What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing.  But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.

I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things.  They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority.  Unfair?  Perhaps so.  But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.

I'm back!

Oh boy, this last month has been a Thing.

I don't really want to talk about it, heh.  Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.

This last month or so has been awful for me, personally.  Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.

During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.

What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.

Boy has made me very proud this last month.  He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.

Pet on the other hand, well.  I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace.  I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.

It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe.  But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative.  Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means.  But it's something I've noticed.

I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually.  When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react?  Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder?  Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.

Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report.  Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks.  I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.

Generic Update

Nothing of particular importance to blog about right now, so some general "here's what's going on" sort of updates.

Boy and I are well.  I've noticed I've been talking about him less on this blog, and I'd like to reassure you that that's not a cause for concern. We've been together long enough now that there's not many surprises, and day to day stuff is just puttering along quite well.

He's very busy and so am I lately, and that's another reason there isn't much to talk about.  We're trying to get our shit together to make moving house in a month or two easier.

Things with pet are going well also.  We have been looking over our relationship and where it goes from here, and I am starting to put some thought into the practical aspects of moving from D/s to M/s, as that's a step we're looking to take fairly soon.  "Soon" in this case means anywhere from three months to a year - we don't have an exact timeline right now and that suits me fine.  We will talk about a firm timeline once a few headaches are out of the way - such as aforementioned me and boy moving house.

Since the move to M/s will include a lot of big changes, it needs a lot of thinking about and preparation.  I will be taking full responsibility for pet, including her living situation (she'll move in with boy and me), her money, her lifestyle, everything.  As it stands, I have the OPTION of enforcing control on many aspects of her life that I simply choose not to, but because it is optional it is not a responsibility.  Since moving to M/s involves shifting a lot of things from being allowed to control something to being responsible to control everything, that requires a lot of careful thought and preparation from me.

There's a lot of talk on the internet about preparing for slavery from the bottom side of the equation - being ready to give up on freedoms in things you like as well as the ones you don't, for example - but there's not enough talk about the preparations for the Master, when it comes to Ms.

Planning living arrangements for your slave - where will they sleep, what will they eat, basic things like that.  Planning financial arrangements for your slave - do they get pocket money, where do you allocate their resources for the good of the slave and the household, making sure there's an "escape fund" put aside for them, things like that.  Planning lifestyle arrangements for your slave - handling their study or career, their chores around the house, their social calendar.  Planning healthcare for your slave - making sure you're familiar and knowledgeable about their medical conditions and what they entail, planning health insurance (if you're unfortunate enough to live in America or another country without universal healthcare).

The thing is, one of the attractions of slavery is not having to worry about these things.  The slave can trust their Master to take care of them.  But that means, as a Master, that you need to be prepared to do that.

Mastery is paperwork.  More paperwork than you'd think.

So that's what I've been doing when it comes to pet, recently.  Thinking about the paperwork.  :)

I also have an interesting meeting coming soon with someone I may be taking on as a protege.  That's in a bit less than a week.  I'll keep you updated.

So things are good for me at the moment.  Busy and hectic and a little bit stressful, and not kinky enough, but good.  :)

Dom Frenzy

A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy.  We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that.  She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.

I don't.  I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy.  I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.

So I'm writing a post about it.

Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW.  They want full control.  They want a slave.  They want a stable of slaves!  They want to live like a roman emperor!   They want to tear you apart and put you back together.  They want to play three times a day.  They want to do edge play, even if they're new!  They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.

Like all mental states it looks different on different people.  A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has!  A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them.  A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.

Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW.  It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.

The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid.  They think they can do things that they can't.  They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave.  They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside.  They do risky play that they've had no training in.

Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).

So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?

Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point.  Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.

Are you thinking about kink more than usual?  Are you fantasizing more than usual?  Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired?  Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in?  Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted?  Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink?  Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?

You might be in a frenzy.

Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences.  Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.

So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want.  Because that's not the case at all.  The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.

So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:

First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  It's a growth spurt.  You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.

Be patient.  Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW.  You don't need them now now now.  You can wait.  Trust me, all those things you want to do or have?  They'll still be there when you get to them.  Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up.  Take it slow.

You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you.  Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships?  Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships.  Got an interest in edge play?  Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains.  They'll probably be happy to share information with you.  Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied.  Go and research it.  Meet people who do it.  Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.

Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you.  They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit.  Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.

Think about things carefully.  Before, after, during.  Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times.  Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.

If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen?  Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?

*  Watch porn.  Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them.  If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online.  Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.

*  Do more of the stuff you can already do.  Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with.  If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them.  Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.

*  Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you.  Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions.  Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).

However you deal with it, you'll be okay.  Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine.  And honestly?  Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can.  There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire.  :)

Negotiation Tips: Give Examples

A quick note, this post is about D/s relationship negotiation, not BDSM play negotiation.  There are similarities between the two of course but at their core they are quite fundamentally different.

Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future.  And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it.  Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it.  There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.

After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip.  First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.

Give examples.

Lots of them.  Not just one or two.

Don't worry about "going too far".  Because this is a negotiation.  It's not set in stone.  You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options.  You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants.  That's negotiating.  Examples are hugely useful for this.

Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits".  Explain what that might look like.  Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat.  Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though.  Maybe you only want it when you're around.  Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them.  They might ask, do they get time off from your plan?  Do they get exceptions?  Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good?  Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?

Don't just say, "no body modification".  Think about and explore what that means.  Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings?  Probably not.  But what about hair colour?  What about clothing?  That's modifying presentation.  Are those okay?

Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property".  Marking with what?  Words?  Symbols?  Pictures?  In what medium?  Tattoos?  Piercings?  A collar?  Branding?  Sharpie-on-skin?

Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant".  Jeez.  What does respect mean?  What does it look like?  Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it?  Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day?  Bringing you coffee?  Sitting at your feet?  Never interrupting?  What does "respect" look like, to you?  What does it look like to them?

The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far.  You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.

For example (heh):

Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking.  When she was on her own it was her decision.  Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies.  She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke.  When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask?  I said, send me a text.  And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no".  She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"?  I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me.  She was satisfied with that answer.

Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.

We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission?  My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit.  She submits only to me.  And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us.  For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine.  If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.

I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously.  :)

Power Trip

The little thrills of power intoxication have started.  Just little ones.  Pet and I aren't far enough into this for me to get drunk on power just yet, but there are the small moments that warm my belly.

When I look at her septum piercing.  Knowing; I did that.  I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer.  That ring is mine.  That hole in her body is mine.  She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable.  My presence on her body is inescapable.

Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body.  She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).

I get that email and I feel warm.  She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed.  She is conscious of me.  I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body.  I am the all seeing eye.

She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house.  Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good.  Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me.  Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post.  Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it.  That makes me feel warm.

She is obeying.  Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.

Big Update

Hello, hello!  Happy new year!

I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it.  I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.

Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th.  Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.

Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified.  I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life).  It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility.  It's a sweet spot :)  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.

One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos.  It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.

I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing.  *shrugs*!

I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.

I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have.  My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers.  We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved.  We talk about rules and protocols and punishments.  For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.

But I feel good when I have these talks.  It lays everything out so there are no surprises.  It lowers the chances of drama.

And I don't mind taking so long with these things.  Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment.  I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.

The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy.  Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing.  As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship.  Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him.  So that is now also a part of our lives.

We will see how that pans out.  If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand.  Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.

There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about.  We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki!  It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours.  It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.

In short, things are good.  Busy, but good.  I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging.  Perhaps it will come in future posts.  :)

Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.

Freeing Up Time

Once again, I've been awfully busy.  I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so.  I also recently just performed this past week.

One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time.  They make it possible for me to take on creative projects.  If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.

It makes it possible for me to accomplish more.  Their support is vital to everything I do.  Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.

We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives.  We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.

The house runs smoothly these days, I must say.  Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life.  It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.

Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems

Or at least this one is.

My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick.  My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time.  So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.

It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.

It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch.  Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done.  It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization.  The house was without a manager for a few weeks.

It was enlightening!

I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are.  I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.

But apparently, I do a great deal!  It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.

It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position.  A house needs a head, a group needs a boss.  That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me.  I have a better appreciation for myself now.