With some little rules the boy has, I don't feel like punishing every single time he breaks them would be productive. So we have a three strike system, for things like being in bed on time or starting to eat before I do.
He had his three strikes with the bed time rule recently, so he got ten strikes with the cane.
Normally I am against using play equipment for punishment within D/s relationships - after all, that stuff is the stuff we use for fun, it shouldn't be used as punishment, or it confuses everyone and can lead to breaking rules just for punishing.
But the thing is, that the boy is not a pain slut, and the boy does not like the cane already. So I don't feel that it's confusing to use the cane to punish him.
I tell you what though, it's hard to punish sometimes. Every stroke of the cane felt like I was thwacking my own heart. I am terribly soft hearted about the boy, I love him dearly and I don't like seeing him in pain or punished. Especially because he works so very hard to be the best boy he can be. So punishments for him end up being tests of my endurance as much as his.
Afterwards we had a cuddle and he sniffled that he doesn't like being punished, which REALLY DID NOT HELP MY BLEEDING HEART. But I then felt better we he continued, "made me hard though". :P
Showing posts with label punishment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label punishment. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
What happens when two very different people get into a relationship with each other.
Boy and I are very different people. Boy thrives under routine and structure, he excels when he has a direct path to follow. I, on the other hand, get depressed and anxious under structure, I need flexibility and spontaneity in my life in order to thrive.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Shifting the Dynamic
I think I need to stop promising what I'm going to write about in my next post, because I'm clearly setting a precedent of not doing it. So, new year's resolution - never promise what my next post will be on my blog :)
After the collaring, my boy and I specifically decided not to set up any protocols right away because we were attending Lee Harrington's Rituals for D/s workshop a week or so later. We didn't want to set anything up just in case the workshop was life changing. No one wants to have to say "You know that thing I told you to do a week ago? Yeah don't do that anymore, do this." Not in such a small time frame.
The workshop was wonderful, and while it wasn't particularly life changing it did give me a few things to think about. If nothing else it reminded me of some very basic, very important things, for example, it is better to have ten rules implemented and enforced than four hundred rules that even the Dominant forgets about.
So far, we don't have any rituals or protocol that have been specifically introduced since the collaring. We have a few little rituals that are very casual and not formal - but these rituals have been there for a long time and have more to do with them growing organically rather than being implemented.
For example, the boy always asks me before he comes. I didn't ask him to start doing that, he started doing it of his own accord - and it has now become such a ritual that if he comes without asking or comes before I say he can, he gets in trouble. (Not the kind of trouble that involves punishment, but I feel pretty confident in saying that if I tell him he's a bad boy, he'll feel bad enough from that alone.) Although I admit we have both been so busy the last couple of months I did give him permission a while ago that he could come whenever he likes when we're apart.
To get off subject here a little and talk about that for a moment, orgasm control is one of my boy's biggest kinks. So I imagine he misses being told he can't come on his own, and I'll be revoking that privilege at some point in the near future. I know he gets very wriggly and happy when my words control whether or not he comes, and I imagine a lack of that is probably a little boring for him.
That's a hard thing to deal with, as a Sir. As much as I am in control, sometimes life gets in the way of what we love to do, as I'm sure you know. Parents, kids, work, school, moving house, all kinds of things. For us, recently my life has been very stressful as I'm reorganizing my living arrangements, and I had some interstate visitors, and I've been quite sick... anyway, the point is, life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes you need to dial D/s back a bit. And that's hard for me, not just because I love the control (don't get me wrong, I do) but because the boy loves the control, and I love the boy. I want him to feel that his needs are being met in this relationship, I want him to be having a good time, I want him to be happy.
A happy boy makes for a happier dynamic. So it's very hard for me to dial down things I know make my boy happy, no matter how necessary that dialing down is.
D/s is a feedback loop. We both need to be getting what we need out of the relationship for it to work. If my dominance is making him feel happy and at peace, then he is getting what he needs out of it to be a good boy, and when he is a good boy and serves me well, I feel happy and at peace. It's a big circle of goodness.
Anyway, to get back onto the initial subject of rituals, one thing that I have implemented is a bed time.
See, the boy has a habit of bumming around on the computer until it's quite late. This is not very useful for someone who works fulltime. He frequently does not get enough sleep and is often complaining about being tired, even on the weekends, because he does not care for his sleep schedule. Left to his own devices, he used to only sleep six hours a night! For my boy, this is not enough (of course how much sleep is good for us varies from person to person). The boy needs at least eight hours sleep every night for him not to be always tired.
So I implemented a bed time. I asked him what time he has to get up in the morning, and then I counted back. I seem to recall that ideally he'd be going to bed at 10:30 (I think that was because it would give him a half hour either of extra sleep, or a half hour of between-waking-and-sleeping time so he still got a full eight hours), however I realized quickly that would be impractical for him. So I set his bedtime for 11pm. He has to be IN BED and trying to sleep by 11, every work night. He can't start getting ready for bed at eleven. He has to be in bed by then.
The boy does not have insomnia, or any other sleep problems. He is just lazy about caring for his sleep. He gets into bed and falls right to sleep - which has been a source of mild, amused annoyance for me as I do suffer from insomnia and have to struggle constantly to keep my sleeping schedule functional.
Anyway, I am getting off topic again (clearly I am feeling wordy today, perhaps to make up for all the blog entries I've missed making over the last few weeks).
The last couple of nights, the boy has been half an hour later for bed time on one night, and five minutes later for bed time on another. Now here's where us D-types sometimes get stuck - what do I do about that?
It's easy to say "punish him!", but what does that mean? Punishment is a very tricky subject in D/s relationships. In scenes, punishment can be for fun or not, it doesn't matter. But in D/s... 'funishment' (that is, play that is presented as punishment) is not going to discourage an action.
But my boy is a pansy (this is not an insult, it simply means he is a beautiful, delicate flower). Pain (sudden or sharp) would certainly be a punishment, but does the punishment fit the crime? Is being late to bed really worth a beating, or ten strokes of the cane?
I don't think so.
So coming up with a punishment that fits the crime can be difficult. It has to be something not too bad, because he didn't disobey too badly (and there was no intent to disobey, which is important). It has to fit the person in question, and can be neither too lenient nor too strict.
It also has to not have associations set up elsewhere. My first thought was to make him spend his lost time (35 minutes) sorting rice grains, until I remembered that he uses a similar exercise to practice focus and meditation. I do not want him to consider focus and meditation a punishment! And I do not want him to think that his punishment is fun, either!
So, I thought about withdrawing affection and touch for 35 minutes. Certainly quite mean to my boy, who is very touch-focussed, but tolerable. However, how do you implement that? I considered corner time, however I quickly realized that being near him and not letting him touch me is something we do in play. It is a way I can tease him - so it immediately becomes a bad punishment, because it is something we do for fun.
But I followed the train of thought over to the cage. As you know, the boy loves the cage. He loves sleeping in it, he loves being it.
Suddenly I had a thought.
If I remove all the blankets and cushions from the cage, it becomes just that little bit uncomfortable. If I do not let the boy have any stimulation while he is in there, it also becomes that little bit more uncomfortable.
To put the boy in the cage in that way, for 35 minutes, one of two things will happen:
1) He will get bored. If this is the case, I think it's a suitable punishment.
2) He will go to sleep. If this is the case, he will be catching up on the sleep he was otherwise missing out on.
A win-win situation! Both of these options are a good consequence for missing bedtime.
So that is how this particular dominant goes about selecting a punishment. As you can see, it's a lot harder than most submissives think. :)
After the collaring, my boy and I specifically decided not to set up any protocols right away because we were attending Lee Harrington's Rituals for D/s workshop a week or so later. We didn't want to set anything up just in case the workshop was life changing. No one wants to have to say "You know that thing I told you to do a week ago? Yeah don't do that anymore, do this." Not in such a small time frame.
The workshop was wonderful, and while it wasn't particularly life changing it did give me a few things to think about. If nothing else it reminded me of some very basic, very important things, for example, it is better to have ten rules implemented and enforced than four hundred rules that even the Dominant forgets about.
So far, we don't have any rituals or protocol that have been specifically introduced since the collaring. We have a few little rituals that are very casual and not formal - but these rituals have been there for a long time and have more to do with them growing organically rather than being implemented.
For example, the boy always asks me before he comes. I didn't ask him to start doing that, he started doing it of his own accord - and it has now become such a ritual that if he comes without asking or comes before I say he can, he gets in trouble. (Not the kind of trouble that involves punishment, but I feel pretty confident in saying that if I tell him he's a bad boy, he'll feel bad enough from that alone.) Although I admit we have both been so busy the last couple of months I did give him permission a while ago that he could come whenever he likes when we're apart.
To get off subject here a little and talk about that for a moment, orgasm control is one of my boy's biggest kinks. So I imagine he misses being told he can't come on his own, and I'll be revoking that privilege at some point in the near future. I know he gets very wriggly and happy when my words control whether or not he comes, and I imagine a lack of that is probably a little boring for him.
That's a hard thing to deal with, as a Sir. As much as I am in control, sometimes life gets in the way of what we love to do, as I'm sure you know. Parents, kids, work, school, moving house, all kinds of things. For us, recently my life has been very stressful as I'm reorganizing my living arrangements, and I had some interstate visitors, and I've been quite sick... anyway, the point is, life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes you need to dial D/s back a bit. And that's hard for me, not just because I love the control (don't get me wrong, I do) but because the boy loves the control, and I love the boy. I want him to feel that his needs are being met in this relationship, I want him to be having a good time, I want him to be happy.
A happy boy makes for a happier dynamic. So it's very hard for me to dial down things I know make my boy happy, no matter how necessary that dialing down is.
D/s is a feedback loop. We both need to be getting what we need out of the relationship for it to work. If my dominance is making him feel happy and at peace, then he is getting what he needs out of it to be a good boy, and when he is a good boy and serves me well, I feel happy and at peace. It's a big circle of goodness.
Anyway, to get back onto the initial subject of rituals, one thing that I have implemented is a bed time.
See, the boy has a habit of bumming around on the computer until it's quite late. This is not very useful for someone who works fulltime. He frequently does not get enough sleep and is often complaining about being tired, even on the weekends, because he does not care for his sleep schedule. Left to his own devices, he used to only sleep six hours a night! For my boy, this is not enough (of course how much sleep is good for us varies from person to person). The boy needs at least eight hours sleep every night for him not to be always tired.
So I implemented a bed time. I asked him what time he has to get up in the morning, and then I counted back. I seem to recall that ideally he'd be going to bed at 10:30 (I think that was because it would give him a half hour either of extra sleep, or a half hour of between-waking-and-sleeping time so he still got a full eight hours), however I realized quickly that would be impractical for him. So I set his bedtime for 11pm. He has to be IN BED and trying to sleep by 11, every work night. He can't start getting ready for bed at eleven. He has to be in bed by then.
The boy does not have insomnia, or any other sleep problems. He is just lazy about caring for his sleep. He gets into bed and falls right to sleep - which has been a source of mild, amused annoyance for me as I do suffer from insomnia and have to struggle constantly to keep my sleeping schedule functional.
Anyway, I am getting off topic again (clearly I am feeling wordy today, perhaps to make up for all the blog entries I've missed making over the last few weeks).
The last couple of nights, the boy has been half an hour later for bed time on one night, and five minutes later for bed time on another. Now here's where us D-types sometimes get stuck - what do I do about that?
It's easy to say "punish him!", but what does that mean? Punishment is a very tricky subject in D/s relationships. In scenes, punishment can be for fun or not, it doesn't matter. But in D/s... 'funishment' (that is, play that is presented as punishment) is not going to discourage an action.
But my boy is a pansy (this is not an insult, it simply means he is a beautiful, delicate flower). Pain (sudden or sharp) would certainly be a punishment, but does the punishment fit the crime? Is being late to bed really worth a beating, or ten strokes of the cane?
I don't think so.
So coming up with a punishment that fits the crime can be difficult. It has to be something not too bad, because he didn't disobey too badly (and there was no intent to disobey, which is important). It has to fit the person in question, and can be neither too lenient nor too strict.
It also has to not have associations set up elsewhere. My first thought was to make him spend his lost time (35 minutes) sorting rice grains, until I remembered that he uses a similar exercise to practice focus and meditation. I do not want him to consider focus and meditation a punishment! And I do not want him to think that his punishment is fun, either!
So, I thought about withdrawing affection and touch for 35 minutes. Certainly quite mean to my boy, who is very touch-focussed, but tolerable. However, how do you implement that? I considered corner time, however I quickly realized that being near him and not letting him touch me is something we do in play. It is a way I can tease him - so it immediately becomes a bad punishment, because it is something we do for fun.
But I followed the train of thought over to the cage. As you know, the boy loves the cage. He loves sleeping in it, he loves being it.
Suddenly I had a thought.
If I remove all the blankets and cushions from the cage, it becomes just that little bit uncomfortable. If I do not let the boy have any stimulation while he is in there, it also becomes that little bit more uncomfortable.
To put the boy in the cage in that way, for 35 minutes, one of two things will happen:
1) He will get bored. If this is the case, I think it's a suitable punishment.
2) He will go to sleep. If this is the case, he will be catching up on the sleep he was otherwise missing out on.
A win-win situation! Both of these options are a good consequence for missing bedtime.
So that is how this particular dominant goes about selecting a punishment. As you can see, it's a lot harder than most submissives think. :)
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