I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.
Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's not the question.
Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".
I am unable to attend events right now. I am unable to play much (at all) right now. I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.
What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to lead, to be involved in the community? What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles right now than as your submissive?
I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling very much. Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times like these? What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?
Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.
The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship through the eyes of a vanilla person. I realized that I am still the one driving the relationship. I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans, makes decisions. Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.
I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship. Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders cloaked in politeness. When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am not asking. I am telling. And I know this because if he refused (without just reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious sit down discussion about the health of our relationship. Whereas any other person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and get up and get my own damn drink.
I structure his entire day. When he gets home from work I decide when we have dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems). I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on his VicLeather work. I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.
I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it has become invisible to me.
This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships. It becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more. It's just life. Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much vanilla about this at all really.
The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.
This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in these areas. And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness. And, to be honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally where I would like him, in these areas.
However. I have particularly high standards. I forget this sometimes, because I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting. I also am less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional improvements.
So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards. However that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require. I have had relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.
My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs met from them.
However, narrow standards are not low standards. If there is anything less than a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will not work out.
So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning? Well, I realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am not still shaping and leading my boy.
Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his behaviour to me. I did not ask him to do that. I never have - and in fact I do not particularly think of it that way. He is the one that has improved.
But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved. I am the one that has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and lifestyle. In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he is today, and what is shaping his future.
What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?
Showing posts with label daddy/boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daddy/boy. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2017
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Reconnecting
The past two years have been tough. I've written about them here somewhat. What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex. I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that. But they need brief mention for context.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Sometimes You Just Gotta Do the Nilla Thing
Haven't posted here recently for the simple reason I haven't had much to post about. My health took a nose dive and I've been unable to focus on anything more more complicated than making it through the day and trying to get my life reorganized enough for me to adjust to my new, lower levels of functioning.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
That last part's been going pretty well by the way - I have a computer set up over my bed now, so that the bed rest I need isn't terribly boring; but it also has the excellent side effect of making my health when I'm out of bed much improved as well. So things are actually going pretty well.
So, haven't had much time or energy for BDSM. Lifestyle things have continued as they were without too much focus on perfection; basically boy and I have been puttering along, both being fairly lenient with each other so we have more energy to focus on just being there for each other. From an outside perspective I'm pretty sure we'd pass as a vanilla couple very easily at the moment, heh.
It's something not many people think about I suppose - what D/s looks like in the long term, yes, but also what it looks like when other things have to come first. And times like these is when it becomes clear why people put so much stress on D/s relationships being firstly about the relationship.
Sometimes life circumstances mean you spend less time having kinky sex and more time cuddling and watching tv. Sometimes you need to take a break from pushing each other to be the best you can and just focus on loving each other. It doesn't make the relationship any less a D/s relationship. It just means that life is hectic, humans are vast, and sometimes you need to take a time out to relax.
Having said that, I do miss the kinky shit. I'm hopeful that I can get back to it asap, considering the slow improvement to my health.
I also miss having a family unit. Adjusting from a three person family back to a couple is hard. The hardest part is over - the mourning, the sadness, the healing. But now... well. There was a hole inside me before Serina came into my life, and now that she is gone from it again, the hole is reopening.
I am hopeful that we will find someone to join us eventually. Just gotta stay positive and keep looking.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Withholding
First of all, thank you so much for your comments on my last entry. This is a trying time and your comments were greatly appreciated, thank you. ♥
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
~~~
D/s relationships quickly break down if the submissive withholds their feelings or thoughts.
Something I have experienced many times with both boy and pet is that they will stop letting everything out to me, and that's a problem. I can only make the best decisions with the information I'm given, and if I'm not given complete information I am not making complete decisions.
One of the hardest things you will have to learn as a submissive, no doubt, is that you cannot keep things from your Dominant. You can't not tell them your thoughts or feelings. You can't hold yourself back from being affectionate or devoted. You can't give anything less than 100% of yourself when it's required of you.
Frequently, the Dominant is not giving back an equal share of thoughts, feelings or actions. That's okay. These are, by design, unequal relationships. If you want an equal give and take relationship, then D/s and especially M/s is not the relationship models you should be looking at.
That's not to say Doms should keep things from their subs. Not at all. Dominants have their duties too, but they are different from the submissives.
This last couple of months have been awful for me, and pet especially but boy a little too have fallen into this thing where they "don't want to bother me" with things.
No. Silly submissives, that's not how this works.
Tell me everything. Give me everything. What I choose to do with it is up to me, even if it's nothing. But they, as my submissives, do not get to decide what is best for me.
I've been keeping much to myself and have told them that I am checking up on them less right now because I need to focus on other things. They, however, are not on holiday, they are still expected to be my submissives and continue giving me access to their power and authority. Unfair? Perhaps so. But as I said, this isn't a relationship model for people who want fair and equal relationships.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I'm back!
Oh boy, this last month has been a Thing.
I don't really want to talk about it, heh. Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.
This last month or so has been awful for me, personally. Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.
During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.
What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.
Boy has made me very proud this last month. He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.
Pet on the other hand, well. I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace. I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.
It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe. But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative. Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means. But it's something I've noticed.
I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually. When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react? Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder? Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.
Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report. Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks. I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.
I don't really want to talk about it, heh. Suffice to say, stuff has been a headache at best and it's still not finished being a headache.
This last month or so has been awful for me, personally. Aside from moving house, I've had to do a long term sleep study for a specialist (which has been awful), I lost a friendship, my health has been awful, money has been beyond tight, and to top it all off, my father died.
During that time, BDSM has taken a back seat, unsurprisingly.
What is interesting to me is watching the ways in which boy and pet deal with me being more or less out of commission.
Boy has made me very proud this last month. He has gotten up and taken over things that needed attention that I wasn't able to deal with, he has taken good care of me, he has been an exceptional example of what a Leatherboy can be in times of stress.
Pet on the other hand, well. I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, but it's clear to me that without a firm hand on her at all times she begins to lose the headspace. I haven't done much about it yet because, as you may have guessed from my description of this last month, it has been a very low priority thing, and it's not that she's been a problem.
It's not that she's become rebellious or anything that severe. But she has become less devoted, she has been less focussed, she has been less communicative. Not to a degree that it's a problem, not by any means. But it's something I've noticed.
I feel like this is actually a pretty good example of the difference between a boy/girl and a slave, actually. When the Dominant is out of commission, how do they react? Do they step up to look after things, or do they flounder? Obviously it's not a one size fits all thing, but it is something that I think is very common.
Anyway, as I said, I don't have much to report. Things are still very stressful here but will hopefully settle over the coming couple of weeks. I hope you're doing better than I am, dear readers.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Erotic Hypnosis
Hey, I'm actually going to talk about play! I bet you forgot that I actually do that sometimes. ;P
So, boy has always had an interest in hypnosis. It's not been something I'm particularly into, but the easiest way to give me a kink is to show me someone who has it. I'm easily converted. (Seriously, I went to a workshop on a topic that was a soft limit for me and came out desperate to start doing it. I'm that easily converted.)
Anyway. We went to a workshop on erotic hypnosis a couple of years ago now, and I learned a lot. But we never got around to playing with it for a lot of reasons, the main one I think being that I just wasn't ready yet.
But we've been talking and I've been reading and researching and so we are getting ready to give it a go. We did a small session tonight, just a sort of pick me up scene for me to test the induction process I'd come up with for him to see how it worked and see how we felt and all that sort of thing.
It went well. I need to make some changes to the induction (for starters I need to make it twice as long) but it was a good start.
I do start getting a bit lost with what to do WITH hypnosis though, you know? Boy already does whatever I tell him to do. And I'm already a big fan of conditioning and use that. Hypnosis, from what I can tell, is basically just a combination of those things.
But! I am not one to sneeze at a new kink to play with. Plus I have talked with boy about his fantasies about hypnosis and some of them are realistic, so we will have a go.
I'll let you know if I get any fun results. :)
So, boy has always had an interest in hypnosis. It's not been something I'm particularly into, but the easiest way to give me a kink is to show me someone who has it. I'm easily converted. (Seriously, I went to a workshop on a topic that was a soft limit for me and came out desperate to start doing it. I'm that easily converted.)
Anyway. We went to a workshop on erotic hypnosis a couple of years ago now, and I learned a lot. But we never got around to playing with it for a lot of reasons, the main one I think being that I just wasn't ready yet.
But we've been talking and I've been reading and researching and so we are getting ready to give it a go. We did a small session tonight, just a sort of pick me up scene for me to test the induction process I'd come up with for him to see how it worked and see how we felt and all that sort of thing.
It went well. I need to make some changes to the induction (for starters I need to make it twice as long) but it was a good start.
I do start getting a bit lost with what to do WITH hypnosis though, you know? Boy already does whatever I tell him to do. And I'm already a big fan of conditioning and use that. Hypnosis, from what I can tell, is basically just a combination of those things.
But! I am not one to sneeze at a new kink to play with. Plus I have talked with boy about his fantasies about hypnosis and some of them are realistic, so we will have a go.
I'll let you know if I get any fun results. :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Big Update
Hello, hello! Happy new year!
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it. I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.
Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th. Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.
Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified. I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life). It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility. It's a sweet spot :) Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.
One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos. It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.
I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing. *shrugs*!
I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.
I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have. My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers. We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved. We talk about rules and protocols and punishments. For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.
But I feel good when I have these talks. It lays everything out so there are no surprises. It lowers the chances of drama.
And I don't mind taking so long with these things. Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment. I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.
The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy. Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing. As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship. Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him. So that is now also a part of our lives.
We will see how that pans out. If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand. Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.
There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about. We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki! It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours. It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.
In short, things are good. Busy, but good. I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging. Perhaps it will come in future posts. :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sometimes It's Us Who Changes
You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time? I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household. One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.
Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues. I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.
Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.
I changed which one of us had to change.
Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.
Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus: I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn". Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.
It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche. I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.
When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous.
Any relationship requires compromise on both sides. This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.
But this is what a Dominant should do. A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work. It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave. Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.
It's my job to run things. It's my job to make things work. Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freeing Up Time
Once again, I've been awfully busy. I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so. I also recently just performed this past week.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time. They make it possible for me to take on creative projects. If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.
It makes it possible for me to accomplish more. Their support is vital to everything I do. Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.
We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives. We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.
The house runs smoothly these days, I must say. Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life. It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems
Or at least this one is.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick. My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time. So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.
It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.
It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch. Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done. It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization. The house was without a manager for a few weeks.
It was enlightening!
I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are. I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.
But apparently, I do a great deal! It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.
It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position. A house needs a head, a group needs a boss. That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me. I have a better appreciation for myself now.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Submissives Are Working Dogs
DISCLAIMER: Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt. When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that. I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed. Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.
I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now. And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".
Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).
I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied. Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked. If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.
Submissives are frequently similar.
I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do. They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best. And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them. They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".
This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way. It's a human thing. We all crave challenge and novelty. We all crave validation of our worth. We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be. We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute. We want to know that our existence makes a difference.
It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.
Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive. For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable. For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.
To get off the theory and into reality? This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.
Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house. When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before. But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.
She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks. It makes her feel happy and tired and content. But importantly, it makes her feel useful. She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.
At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do. She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am. But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).
And she's miserable.
Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do. Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things. She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her. And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.
(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me. Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)
I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.
A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home. I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework. And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!". The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.
We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts. Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need. And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me!
It's my 27th birthday!
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.
Things are going well for me, and for my family.
Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit. Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.
It's been very relieving for me. For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.
Everything is going well. Life is good. Life will continue to get better.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
3am musings.
It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Worthiness
So today I am thinking about worthiness.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Prattling On About Power Balances
It's been a while! Sorry about that.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here. I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.
Things with boy are going extremely well. We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.
Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'. She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here. Things are good. I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.
In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently. I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy. Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick. So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.
Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries. Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word? I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.
It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.
Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head. That's good.
Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose. I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level. For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous. But I deal with it. It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p
Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave. It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love? yes. care? yes. both those things deeply and passionately? yes, eventually. But the right kind of love and care. Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus. At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".
I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship. If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.
When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy. These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.
And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back. He is a very solid foundation for me. His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.
This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life. Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing. I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted. Reassured.
As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners. This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.
Complications do not concern me. I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
New Things Polish Old Things
It's been a busy couple of weeks for me! I ran a BDSM101 workshop for Melbourne University's Rad Sex & Consent Week, and it was tremendous fun.
One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people. Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.
Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it. Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing? Is really fun and exciting! I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.
It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people. It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.
In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently. So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.
It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion. I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.
Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is. Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well. It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again. This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.
It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good. I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed. The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do. What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.
However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now. Sigh. Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.
What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health. I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/
Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future. :)
One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people. Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.
Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it. Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing? Is really fun and exciting! I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.
It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people. It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.
In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently. So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.
It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion. I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.
Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is. Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well. It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again. This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.
It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good. I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed. The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do. What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.
However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now. Sigh. Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.
What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health. I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/
Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future. :)
Monday, April 16, 2012
Big Weekend
Where to start where to start... and I just know I'm going to forget a lot of what I wanted to write about. Oh well.
Serina came round to spend the weekend here. It is good, we are becoming more comfortable around each other - or certainly, I am becoming more comfortable. Which is good. I'm sure she is at least a little frustrated with my slow pace, but, well... that pace is one of the reasons I am good at the things I am good at. She is accepting of it, fortunately. :)
We all (myself, boy, and serina) went out to a kink event on Saturday night - specifically Chains, which is a lovely low-stress, relaxed event held at a pub. We had dinner at the pub beforehand, and it was very lovely for me to sit at a table with my charges either side of me and enjoy a meal together.
Boy is having to adapt too, and he is also quite slow to adapt to new information, so I am being quite lenient with him as he learns. The biggest thing he's having trouble remembering is which side of me to be on.
I've posted before about how I prefer my submissive to be on my left, due to my particular martial arts experiences involving the lower grades being to the left of the higher grades. What I didn't write about in that post however, is that it's never really bothered me which side boy has been on.
I don't know why! But it honestly has never bothered me whether boy is to my left or my right, so we have never had a protocol in place for that before.
However, I have noticed that I definitely feel better with serina on my left.
So that I don't lose boy, when we are all together, now I find myself preferring him on my right, so I can have them either side of me. So boy is having to learn this. It will no doubt take a while for it to sink in, because we've been together for years and I've never had a preference for him before. But I feel confident he can rise to the challenge :p
It's also somewhat fitting I suppose, when I think of it my mind drifts towards the phrase "right hand man", and that's certainly what boy is for me. He is my sidekick, my second in command.
So after so long of not having a preference, I expected having one now to feel somewhat arbitrary, but honestly... it feels perfect. My boy is my right hand man, and he will stand to my right side.
Back to the event... serina and boy are slowly finding out how they interact with each other as well, which is interesting to watch - but I do find myself sighing much like a parent, and I suspect an occasional separation so they kids behave may become a thing. Heh.
I played with serina some, just a quick play because although we have played together before it was a couple of years ago now, and I needed to relearn her. Boy bought me a lovely new cane so I decided to try it out on her, and it's a wonderful little toy... it makes her do that little dance that people do when they get caned, ehehe.
It was good, to play with her and get a feel for her. She didn't mark though >:( despite some good thwaps with the cane. So she is coming with me to Provocation this Friday, and I have accepted the challenge of her flesh and I am going to make her wish she'd never been born. >:)
I also played with boy a bit, just tied him up in some decorative rope. Bondage is his favourite thing so he is very easy to please :p
I am working very hard to make sure boy doesn't feel neglected at all during this time. NRE happens in D/s relationships too and I am putting a lot of effort into being careful about how I handle it.
An interesting side effect from this whole thing - and it was something I discussed with boy as I was still negotiating with serina - is that given a submissive with whom the end goal is slavery, I am finding it easier to be bossier and stricter with boy, as well.
This is actually a very good thing because I do sometimes get a little too lenient with him. So the added sternness is a big benefit for him from this whole deal.
Something else interesting is that as boy put me to bed on Saturday night, he commented that since serina had come along, I had become much better at receiving service. This was something I hadn't noticed at all, but it makes a lot of sense because now I have two service-oriented submissives who get my attention, and that means I need to pay attention to making sure everyone gets things to do.
It's interesting for me, too, noting how many things I am not yet comfortable having serina do as service, and a couple of things that I've realized will always be boy's job regardless. For example, putting my shoes on? That is boy's job. That is a special ritual between us. Also a lot of things involving my room - I am very protective about my space, and boy is the only person aside from myself who is allowed in my bedroom. So lots of things are going to stay his job for as long as that is something I am feeling.
It is interesting and joyful to me how different my relations between me and boy or me and serina are. I am not seeking a stable of submissives who all act and think and look alike. I have very different ideas of what I want from each of them.
This will be a very interesting, and very fulfilling journey I feel. Not just between me and serina - but also for boy, and between me and boy. We have been together for some years now and our lives are entangled. Everything new that happens for one of us happens for both of us.
Serina came round to spend the weekend here. It is good, we are becoming more comfortable around each other - or certainly, I am becoming more comfortable. Which is good. I'm sure she is at least a little frustrated with my slow pace, but, well... that pace is one of the reasons I am good at the things I am good at. She is accepting of it, fortunately. :)
We all (myself, boy, and serina) went out to a kink event on Saturday night - specifically Chains, which is a lovely low-stress, relaxed event held at a pub. We had dinner at the pub beforehand, and it was very lovely for me to sit at a table with my charges either side of me and enjoy a meal together.
Boy is having to adapt too, and he is also quite slow to adapt to new information, so I am being quite lenient with him as he learns. The biggest thing he's having trouble remembering is which side of me to be on.
I've posted before about how I prefer my submissive to be on my left, due to my particular martial arts experiences involving the lower grades being to the left of the higher grades. What I didn't write about in that post however, is that it's never really bothered me which side boy has been on.
I don't know why! But it honestly has never bothered me whether boy is to my left or my right, so we have never had a protocol in place for that before.
However, I have noticed that I definitely feel better with serina on my left.
So that I don't lose boy, when we are all together, now I find myself preferring him on my right, so I can have them either side of me. So boy is having to learn this. It will no doubt take a while for it to sink in, because we've been together for years and I've never had a preference for him before. But I feel confident he can rise to the challenge :p
It's also somewhat fitting I suppose, when I think of it my mind drifts towards the phrase "right hand man", and that's certainly what boy is for me. He is my sidekick, my second in command.
So after so long of not having a preference, I expected having one now to feel somewhat arbitrary, but honestly... it feels perfect. My boy is my right hand man, and he will stand to my right side.
Back to the event... serina and boy are slowly finding out how they interact with each other as well, which is interesting to watch - but I do find myself sighing much like a parent, and I suspect an occasional separation so they kids behave may become a thing. Heh.
I played with serina some, just a quick play because although we have played together before it was a couple of years ago now, and I needed to relearn her. Boy bought me a lovely new cane so I decided to try it out on her, and it's a wonderful little toy... it makes her do that little dance that people do when they get caned, ehehe.
It was good, to play with her and get a feel for her. She didn't mark though >:( despite some good thwaps with the cane. So she is coming with me to Provocation this Friday, and I have accepted the challenge of her flesh and I am going to make her wish she'd never been born. >:)
I also played with boy a bit, just tied him up in some decorative rope. Bondage is his favourite thing so he is very easy to please :p
I am working very hard to make sure boy doesn't feel neglected at all during this time. NRE happens in D/s relationships too and I am putting a lot of effort into being careful about how I handle it.
An interesting side effect from this whole thing - and it was something I discussed with boy as I was still negotiating with serina - is that given a submissive with whom the end goal is slavery, I am finding it easier to be bossier and stricter with boy, as well.
This is actually a very good thing because I do sometimes get a little too lenient with him. So the added sternness is a big benefit for him from this whole deal.
Something else interesting is that as boy put me to bed on Saturday night, he commented that since serina had come along, I had become much better at receiving service. This was something I hadn't noticed at all, but it makes a lot of sense because now I have two service-oriented submissives who get my attention, and that means I need to pay attention to making sure everyone gets things to do.
It's interesting for me, too, noting how many things I am not yet comfortable having serina do as service, and a couple of things that I've realized will always be boy's job regardless. For example, putting my shoes on? That is boy's job. That is a special ritual between us. Also a lot of things involving my room - I am very protective about my space, and boy is the only person aside from myself who is allowed in my bedroom. So lots of things are going to stay his job for as long as that is something I am feeling.
It is interesting and joyful to me how different my relations between me and boy or me and serina are. I am not seeking a stable of submissives who all act and think and look alike. I have very different ideas of what I want from each of them.
This will be a very interesting, and very fulfilling journey I feel. Not just between me and serina - but also for boy, and between me and boy. We have been together for some years now and our lives are entangled. Everything new that happens for one of us happens for both of us.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Scent Marking
Sorry for the absence! I've been very, very ill, unfortunately. But I am starting to get a hold of how to keep up with things, even if my health doesn't seem to be improving just yet.
Ages and ages ago I wrote about scent-marking. It took a long time but we finally got around to that.
Today we went to a perfumery to have a good whiff of the Demeter fragrances they stock. (Demeter has long been my favourite scent company.)
We smelled almost every bottle they had. After all what we were looking for had to fit a lot of criteria. It had to:
* Be something that *I* like the smell of
* Be something that *boy* likes the smell of
* Be something that speaks to us both on an emotional level
Oh boy, I had no idea how complicated this would get. As we went through the testers we quickly discovered that we both have almost opposite preferences in scents, and the few scents that we did both like did not speak to us emotionally.
In the end we did find something though.
I'm an *extremely* scent-oriented person. A long time ago, I used to wear Demeter's "Rain" fragrance almost all the time. It speaks to me very strongly. I, and those I was close to, quickly came to associate that scent with me. I stopped wearing it a few years ago, not for any particular reason... I just ran out of the scent and never got around to buying more.
Since we were at the perfumery anyway, boy wanted to buy me another bottle of it as a gift, which was very sweet of him. :)
As we compared and discussed all the other scents in terms of what we liked and also what spoke to us, it eventually became clear that Demeter's "Ocean" fragrance was going to be the choice. It is something we both find very pleasant to smell, and its notes are related, but not the same, as my "Rain" fragrance. So in this sense it is a fitting scent to mark the boy with as mine - related to me, similar, under my influence, but still different.
I can't speak for the boy, but on a personal level, because smell is such an important thing to me, it was very important that the scent we choose make me feel something deep inside, a growling sense of ownership in my gut. The "Ocean" scent gave me that feeling, so I was glad to settle on it.
Boy is presently in the shower, and when he gets out I will be having him kneel before me, and I will spray him gently once at the back of his neck and once at the front of his neck, marking him as my property and my family.
I am very happy about this. :)
Ages and ages ago I wrote about scent-marking. It took a long time but we finally got around to that.
Today we went to a perfumery to have a good whiff of the Demeter fragrances they stock. (Demeter has long been my favourite scent company.)
We smelled almost every bottle they had. After all what we were looking for had to fit a lot of criteria. It had to:
* Be something that *I* like the smell of
* Be something that *boy* likes the smell of
* Be something that speaks to us both on an emotional level
Oh boy, I had no idea how complicated this would get. As we went through the testers we quickly discovered that we both have almost opposite preferences in scents, and the few scents that we did both like did not speak to us emotionally.
In the end we did find something though.
I'm an *extremely* scent-oriented person. A long time ago, I used to wear Demeter's "Rain" fragrance almost all the time. It speaks to me very strongly. I, and those I was close to, quickly came to associate that scent with me. I stopped wearing it a few years ago, not for any particular reason... I just ran out of the scent and never got around to buying more.
Since we were at the perfumery anyway, boy wanted to buy me another bottle of it as a gift, which was very sweet of him. :)
As we compared and discussed all the other scents in terms of what we liked and also what spoke to us, it eventually became clear that Demeter's "Ocean" fragrance was going to be the choice. It is something we both find very pleasant to smell, and its notes are related, but not the same, as my "Rain" fragrance. So in this sense it is a fitting scent to mark the boy with as mine - related to me, similar, under my influence, but still different.
I can't speak for the boy, but on a personal level, because smell is such an important thing to me, it was very important that the scent we choose make me feel something deep inside, a growling sense of ownership in my gut. The "Ocean" scent gave me that feeling, so I was glad to settle on it.
Boy is presently in the shower, and when he gets out I will be having him kneel before me, and I will spray him gently once at the back of his neck and once at the front of his neck, marking him as my property and my family.
I am very happy about this. :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
2011 Coming to a Close
Apologies for the absence over the last few months - but life has just been... interesting, hectic, difficult. Aside from my family troubles I've had health troubles galore, and it just hasn't been a very productive time for me.
So the new year is coming up, and I must say it can't come too soon. This year has been a stressful one, to say the least.
This month marks two years since I officially collared my boy, and we are as happy as ever. Our fifth anniversary as a couple is coming up in February and I must say that my gratitude for my boy, our relationship, and the stability and love of it all knows no bounds. I am so happy to have him in my life.
So here's to the new year, and all the adventures, love, and shenanigans it may hold!
And hopefully I will be writing here more frequently again, as things are finally starting to settle for me. :)
So the new year is coming up, and I must say it can't come too soon. This year has been a stressful one, to say the least.
This month marks two years since I officially collared my boy, and we are as happy as ever. Our fifth anniversary as a couple is coming up in February and I must say that my gratitude for my boy, our relationship, and the stability and love of it all knows no bounds. I am so happy to have him in my life.
So here's to the new year, and all the adventures, love, and shenanigans it may hold!
And hopefully I will be writing here more frequently again, as things are finally starting to settle for me. :)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Larry Townsend's "Leatherman's Handbook"
Hi blog! I haven't forgotten you. As I've mentioned in many previous entries, life's just been crazy. Anyway, here I am.
While I do have a lot I could talk about, it's all pretty much not-quite-formed in my head and there's a lot going on, so I thought I'd talk about my birthday, or more specifically, a birthday gift I received.
I received a copy of "Leatherman's Handbook" by Larry Townsend, the silver jubilee edition. Having now read through it like a starving person let loose on a buffet, I thought I'd blog a few of my thoughts.
The first thing I feel people should know about this book is that it isn't really a 'how to' book. I'm sure it was, back in the day, but if you're looking for instructions, this isn't the book to go to.
What this book is, is a beautiful snapshot of history and culture, wrapped up in memories that will get your cock hard.
I didn't really know what to expect from this book, I must admit. I knew that it was one of the first books of its kind and I knew that it was originally published in the early 70s, when things were very different both in Leather and for queers. Other than that, I didn't really know much about it, and I'm kind of glad of that because it means I had no expectations to either be met or let down.
It's such a rich book, with so much atmosphere. It makes me feel like a time traveller, catching glimmers of my past and my cultural history through the words on the page.
I didn't expect so much of the book to be true erotic stories of people's encounters, but I can't say that it was an unpleasant surprise. In a sense I feel like maybe it's better than a 'how to' book on that matter, because it shows you what a scene should feel like, shows you what can be accomplished in a Leather session, without getting bogged down in the details of how the mechanics should work.
What's really interesting in the book is reading the notes that the author has put in, 25 years later, about what's changed in comparison to what he had originally written. Some of these notes give a sense of scale to the book that it might not otherwise have.
While I did find some of the author's attitudes, especially towards women, queens, and nelly fags, a little bit offputting, I can chalk it up to a different culture and move on without it impacting my enjoyment of the book too much.
It's hard to write a review of this book, because it's such a personal book, if that makes sense. People will get out of it what they put into it. It's certainly, if nothing else, an incredibly important historical text for people like us. If you're a bit of a nerd like me, then it's an absolute must buy for your library. If you like hot Leather man porn, you could do a lot worse than having this on your bookshelf. If you're looking for a dry instruction manual on Leather culture and practises, however, this isn't it, and you should keep looking - perhaps consider the Leatherboy Handbook instead, which I'll write about sometime soon and you can compare.
An important piece of history that I get to keep close to me. I'm really, very glad I own this book.
While I do have a lot I could talk about, it's all pretty much not-quite-formed in my head and there's a lot going on, so I thought I'd talk about my birthday, or more specifically, a birthday gift I received.
I received a copy of "Leatherman's Handbook" by Larry Townsend, the silver jubilee edition. Having now read through it like a starving person let loose on a buffet, I thought I'd blog a few of my thoughts.
The first thing I feel people should know about this book is that it isn't really a 'how to' book. I'm sure it was, back in the day, but if you're looking for instructions, this isn't the book to go to.
What this book is, is a beautiful snapshot of history and culture, wrapped up in memories that will get your cock hard.
I didn't really know what to expect from this book, I must admit. I knew that it was one of the first books of its kind and I knew that it was originally published in the early 70s, when things were very different both in Leather and for queers. Other than that, I didn't really know much about it, and I'm kind of glad of that because it means I had no expectations to either be met or let down.
It's such a rich book, with so much atmosphere. It makes me feel like a time traveller, catching glimmers of my past and my cultural history through the words on the page.
I didn't expect so much of the book to be true erotic stories of people's encounters, but I can't say that it was an unpleasant surprise. In a sense I feel like maybe it's better than a 'how to' book on that matter, because it shows you what a scene should feel like, shows you what can be accomplished in a Leather session, without getting bogged down in the details of how the mechanics should work.
What's really interesting in the book is reading the notes that the author has put in, 25 years later, about what's changed in comparison to what he had originally written. Some of these notes give a sense of scale to the book that it might not otherwise have.
While I did find some of the author's attitudes, especially towards women, queens, and nelly fags, a little bit offputting, I can chalk it up to a different culture and move on without it impacting my enjoyment of the book too much.
It's hard to write a review of this book, because it's such a personal book, if that makes sense. People will get out of it what they put into it. It's certainly, if nothing else, an incredibly important historical text for people like us. If you're a bit of a nerd like me, then it's an absolute must buy for your library. If you like hot Leather man porn, you could do a lot worse than having this on your bookshelf. If you're looking for a dry instruction manual on Leather culture and practises, however, this isn't it, and you should keep looking - perhaps consider the Leatherboy Handbook instead, which I'll write about sometime soon and you can compare.
An important piece of history that I get to keep close to me. I'm really, very glad I own this book.
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