So today I am thinking about worthiness.
We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that. I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.
Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?
Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?
Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?
If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".
Realistically, that doesn't matter. If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.
But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling. I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.
This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself. This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do. This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.
For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?
I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes. If that means pizza, then pizza it is.
But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea. I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know. I want to be reliable. I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.
And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.
Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know? But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.
It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?
This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to. But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.
I am rambling. Apologies.
There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us. I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously. If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.
So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".
I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that. If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously. And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.
My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant. What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships. Actions, not thoughts.