It's pretty common in Leather circles to have your submissive/slave/etc take care of your leathers for you.
For my boots, I like this. I like my subs caring for my boots. It's a service they can give me that I value greatly. It's a skill that I can be proud of them for. It's something they enjoy doing, as I'm sure it's a potent thing to help you "feel" submissive to work over your Dominant's boots. And if I am wearing the boots so much the better, a good boot black scene is a delicious morsel that should be savoured.
But my vest, I care for myself.
My vest is a very important piece of clothing for me, as you know if you're a long time reader. I bought it for myself as a promise that I would constantly strive to be the best I can be. Every time I put it on I ask myself if I am worthy of wearing it. If the answer to that question is no, it stays off until the answer is yes. My vest is very personal. It's a part of who I am and who I can be.
Because of that, it would feel wrong to have someone else care for my vest. My taking care of it is as much a part of the package deal as anything else. If I don't have the inclination to love and look after my vest, then I don't deserve to wear it.
Aside from all that though, I enjoy looking after my vest. It's relaxing, it's calming, it's a good labour with a satisfying end.
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive. How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.
One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems). They tend to move fast.
I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw. That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.
But now, I am not so sure. My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure. Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions. Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same). Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.
Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships. It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.
I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do. Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can. When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.
It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more. I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".
Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream. But I refrain. Why?
Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters. I'm not used to her being around. I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else. I'm still getting accustomed to it all.
But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end. I never have been that sort of person. I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in. I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.
And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here. I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well. (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).
And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me. It's about everyone involved with me. And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.
Anyway back to the point.
I believe that my slow moving is a good thing. It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.
M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line. They are relationship experiences. And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.
I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think. Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself? Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave? Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave. Who knows. Maybe experience is the answer. I don't know.
This is a very rambly post. Sorry about that.
At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s. So that means they need time to learn. But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly. It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship. I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.
This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers. I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.
I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.
One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems). They tend to move fast.
I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw. That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.
But now, I am not so sure. My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure. Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions. Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same). Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.
Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships. It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.
I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do. Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can. When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.
It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more. I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".
Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream. But I refrain. Why?
Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters. I'm not used to her being around. I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else. I'm still getting accustomed to it all.
But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end. I never have been that sort of person. I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in. I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.
And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here. I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well. (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).
And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me. It's about everyone involved with me. And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.
Anyway back to the point.
I believe that my slow moving is a good thing. It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.
M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line. They are relationship experiences. And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.
I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think. Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself? Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave? Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave. Who knows. Maybe experience is the answer. I don't know.
This is a very rambly post. Sorry about that.
At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s. So that means they need time to learn. But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly. It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship. I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.
This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers. I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.
I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
An Email
One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people. ;P
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.
So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.
~~~
"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc. It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed. Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.
The hair thing is interesting for me. Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like. But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid. And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter. I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me. That's the end of it.
It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too. The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that. Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".
It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now. Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted. Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*. And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at. For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it. That may or may not change. I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.
For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me. Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do. And that's a very liberating thought. That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.
There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me. But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you. You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon. But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it. I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from. Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life. Because sometimes life is just life, you know? It's easy to forget it's special.
Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.
Hope you sleep well pet <3 I love you very much.
--Sir"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
3am musings.
It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here. At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.
Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment. It's... interesting. I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her. Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense. I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person. Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy! I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.
Regardless, I am getting used to her being here. Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her. Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.
Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room. She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house. I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel. At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay. There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times. The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.
I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before. Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that. I feel like I miss him a lot right now. I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well. I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight. I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.
In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days. There is always something demanding my attention. Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Politeness towards submissives
Apparently I'm feeling a bit wordy today.
I was reading a post over on Fetlife about rituals and 'an average day in a D/s household' and things, and I had a few thoughts.
First of all, a lot of people say "well it's like any household" and I know where they're coming from, because I feel like that too, but we're not really. I remember this when I have vanilla folks come to stay, and they look a little awkward when I tell the boy to do something. Tell, not ask. People do pick up on little things like that.
But anyway, that got me thinking about something else. Politeness.
I think it's interesting to watch tops/doms interacting with their bottoms/subs with a view to politeness. Some people are rough and harsh, some people are polite but firm. I think it's interesting that everyone has a different style (and good too, how boring would it be if we were all the same).
I tend to be quite polite towards my submissives. I don't feel like I am much of the time, but when I compare my behaviour to other people it's clear that I am.
Even the order-giving protocol between the boy and I show this. When I want the boy to do something and it's a direct order, I precede it with the words "would you kindly...". This is partially because I am an enormous nerd (it's a BioShock reference), but it also serves a couple of other purposes. For example, it's something I can say when in vanilla company and it comes across as a polite request rather than an order, and I do believe in being somewhat discreet in certain types of company. Secondly, it's polite and kind and gentle, and these are things that I like to consider myself, as a dominant and as a person.
When I am in D/s atmospheres (that is, ones where there is an unspoken atmosphere of all dominants having a slightly higher standing that all submissives... it's very hard to explain, but it's Advanced D/s(tm) so I think it's more of a "you know it when you see it" thing rather than something that can be shown specifically), it's in my nature to be extremely polite to submissives. Probably even more polite than I am to other dominants.
I'm not sure exactly why this is, though I have a few theories.
One theory is that in these types of contexts, submissives often *are* performing service, whether it be specifically towards me or more towards everyone - and even if they're not, it often still has an atmosphere of being *prepared* to serve. I think that service is a valuable thing and I want to show my gratitude towards submissives who serve.
Another is that if there is a palatable power imbalance, I want the submissives to know that I respect them and their personhood, regardless of power imbalances. One way I do this is with politeness.
And I think really that's what politeness is about. It's about respecting people's personhood. That's one of the biggest reasons that I believe in politeness - not just in a D/s context, but in general.
An interesting experience I had was when a submissive that belonged to a friend of mine was at dinner with my family. Their dominant was not present, and they were helping out with setting the table and things. I handed them something and asked them to put it on the table, and after they did so they came back and asked what I had said after I had asked that, because they didn't quite hear me. I shrugged and said that I had simply said "please". They were a little surprised and we had a joke together about the fact they're not accustomed to hearing "please" aimed at them.
It's something I have learned about my natural dominating style. I like to say "please" and "thank you". It doesn't make me less in control and it doesn't make my orders not orders. It's just something that I enjoy. It's a way that I can show my gratitude towards submissives who serve me.
As my Leather family and household will grow, I can see that this will become something that I will continue to do. Even should I own a slave/pet/etc, I will still say "please" and "thank you" to them, even when it accompanies orders. It's something I enjoy. It's my little way of saying "thank you for serving me" every time I give an order.
I was reading a post over on Fetlife about rituals and 'an average day in a D/s household' and things, and I had a few thoughts.
First of all, a lot of people say "well it's like any household" and I know where they're coming from, because I feel like that too, but we're not really. I remember this when I have vanilla folks come to stay, and they look a little awkward when I tell the boy to do something. Tell, not ask. People do pick up on little things like that.
But anyway, that got me thinking about something else. Politeness.
I think it's interesting to watch tops/doms interacting with their bottoms/subs with a view to politeness. Some people are rough and harsh, some people are polite but firm. I think it's interesting that everyone has a different style (and good too, how boring would it be if we were all the same).
I tend to be quite polite towards my submissives. I don't feel like I am much of the time, but when I compare my behaviour to other people it's clear that I am.
Even the order-giving protocol between the boy and I show this. When I want the boy to do something and it's a direct order, I precede it with the words "would you kindly...". This is partially because I am an enormous nerd (it's a BioShock reference), but it also serves a couple of other purposes. For example, it's something I can say when in vanilla company and it comes across as a polite request rather than an order, and I do believe in being somewhat discreet in certain types of company. Secondly, it's polite and kind and gentle, and these are things that I like to consider myself, as a dominant and as a person.
When I am in D/s atmospheres (that is, ones where there is an unspoken atmosphere of all dominants having a slightly higher standing that all submissives... it's very hard to explain, but it's Advanced D/s(tm) so I think it's more of a "you know it when you see it" thing rather than something that can be shown specifically), it's in my nature to be extremely polite to submissives. Probably even more polite than I am to other dominants.
I'm not sure exactly why this is, though I have a few theories.
One theory is that in these types of contexts, submissives often *are* performing service, whether it be specifically towards me or more towards everyone - and even if they're not, it often still has an atmosphere of being *prepared* to serve. I think that service is a valuable thing and I want to show my gratitude towards submissives who serve.
Another is that if there is a palatable power imbalance, I want the submissives to know that I respect them and their personhood, regardless of power imbalances. One way I do this is with politeness.
And I think really that's what politeness is about. It's about respecting people's personhood. That's one of the biggest reasons that I believe in politeness - not just in a D/s context, but in general.
An interesting experience I had was when a submissive that belonged to a friend of mine was at dinner with my family. Their dominant was not present, and they were helping out with setting the table and things. I handed them something and asked them to put it on the table, and after they did so they came back and asked what I had said after I had asked that, because they didn't quite hear me. I shrugged and said that I had simply said "please". They were a little surprised and we had a joke together about the fact they're not accustomed to hearing "please" aimed at them.
It's something I have learned about my natural dominating style. I like to say "please" and "thank you". It doesn't make me less in control and it doesn't make my orders not orders. It's just something that I enjoy. It's a way that I can show my gratitude towards submissives who serve me.
As my Leather family and household will grow, I can see that this will become something that I will continue to do. Even should I own a slave/pet/etc, I will still say "please" and "thank you" to them, even when it accompanies orders. It's something I enjoy. It's my little way of saying "thank you for serving me" every time I give an order.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The line between play and life.
Today I was thinking that what I really want right now is a friend or two (or a few) who I can have come over, have tea or dinner or something, and just chat and hang about, and have my boy serve us all.
The thing is that this is surprisingly hard to figure out.
For example, said friends need to be comfortable accepting service in what is clearly a D/s way, HOWEVER, I don't want them thinking that the boy is public property and can be bossed around by anyone. I need the friends to respect him more as a waiter than as a submissive, I suppose.
But I do want it to have that D/s flavour, which means they can't be totally vanilla or kinky-but-vanilla-in-friendship-with-me.
So I'm thinking. About all the bits and bobs of this - not just who I could invite to such a thing, but also what little things I need to organize before I could do it anyway, like training the boy in certain ways and buying a few bits and pieces that I don't currently own. Also I want to organize a couple of outfits for the boy, because clothes make the man as they say. :)
The thing is that this is surprisingly hard to figure out.
For example, said friends need to be comfortable accepting service in what is clearly a D/s way, HOWEVER, I don't want them thinking that the boy is public property and can be bossed around by anyone. I need the friends to respect him more as a waiter than as a submissive, I suppose.
But I do want it to have that D/s flavour, which means they can't be totally vanilla or kinky-but-vanilla-in-friendship-with-me.
So I'm thinking. About all the bits and bobs of this - not just who I could invite to such a thing, but also what little things I need to organize before I could do it anyway, like training the boy in certain ways and buying a few bits and pieces that I don't currently own. Also I want to organize a couple of outfits for the boy, because clothes make the man as they say. :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Quick sexual/lifestyle frustration stream of consciousness post...
I adore my boy and everything he is and everything we have. Our dynamic is very much about support and service and thriving without struggle.
But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.
One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…
But sometimes… okay, lots of the time… I crave owning someone who has a desire to be pushed, phyiscally. Someone for whom physicality is a huge part of D/s. Someone who would enjoy things like hard bondage, long term bondage, uncomfortable bondage… things like not being allowed on furniture and sleeping full time in a cage (and someone for whom that was a real option, because as much as the boy wouldn’t mind that, it would conflict with his health and his job)… someone who would enjoy being pushed, enjoy the struggle, enjoy battling their inner selves out on the physical plane.
One day, I’m sure I’ll find them…
Thursday, May 19, 2011
100th Post!
So this is my 100th post to this blog!
I feel like I should do something important, like make a special post or run a contest or something, but honestly I can't think of anything. So I suppose I'll just talk about my life in Leather and where I'm at at the moment. That's still a pretty decent thing to do for my 100th post, I think.
So let's talk about the boy, first. Boy and I are doing very well. Our fifth anniversary is coming up in a bit over six months and I'm already freaking out about it a little - this is the longest and most successful relationship I've ever had (admittedly not that big of a deal at my young age of 25), and it shows no signs of cracking or going downhill any time soon. We suit each other very well and are very compatible both now and in the long term. Things are really good between us.
My own journey is plodding along very nicely. I am a slow sort of person by nature, I like to think about things a lot and move slowly, and I am moving perfectly well at my own pace. I am valuing the journey very much.
I am well connected in my community to many friends and acquaintances that enrich my life and make being a part of the community as important to my Leather life as my inclination to D/s. Even though I'm very shy and I'm still struggling with that (and probably will for some time yet), I have only ever been welcomed and treated with love and care.
I am passively in the market for a slave, but I am not looking very hard yet. I am still sorting out some details in my life before I worry about actively looking.
Despite recent challenges, my life is going extremely well and I feel that Leather enriches my life and fulfils me in a very important way.
So that's my 100th post. Life is good. I am happy.
I feel like I should do something important, like make a special post or run a contest or something, but honestly I can't think of anything. So I suppose I'll just talk about my life in Leather and where I'm at at the moment. That's still a pretty decent thing to do for my 100th post, I think.
So let's talk about the boy, first. Boy and I are doing very well. Our fifth anniversary is coming up in a bit over six months and I'm already freaking out about it a little - this is the longest and most successful relationship I've ever had (admittedly not that big of a deal at my young age of 25), and it shows no signs of cracking or going downhill any time soon. We suit each other very well and are very compatible both now and in the long term. Things are really good between us.
My own journey is plodding along very nicely. I am a slow sort of person by nature, I like to think about things a lot and move slowly, and I am moving perfectly well at my own pace. I am valuing the journey very much.
I am well connected in my community to many friends and acquaintances that enrich my life and make being a part of the community as important to my Leather life as my inclination to D/s. Even though I'm very shy and I'm still struggling with that (and probably will for some time yet), I have only ever been welcomed and treated with love and care.
I am passively in the market for a slave, but I am not looking very hard yet. I am still sorting out some details in my life before I worry about actively looking.
Despite recent challenges, my life is going extremely well and I feel that Leather enriches my life and fulfils me in a very important way.
So that's my 100th post. Life is good. I am happy.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Bird Cage Chastity Device
So my plans for my anniversary gift for the boy fell through, so I moved on to another plan. A couple of days ago I ordered him a bird cage chastity device, from extreme restraints.
We already own a cb6000, but it's too small for him, and it pinches his foreskin badly. I knew this was going to happen when he bought it, and I told him so, but he insisted it would be okay. :P Let it be a lesson: Daddy is always right.
But, this time *I* am the buyer, not the boy, so I got to actually do measurements and figure things out, and I'm pretty confident that it will actually be comfortable for him to wear.
Also, the bird cage design is the only chastity device I've seen of which I actually enjoy its aesthetic appeal. Most chastity devices I find very boring to look at at best, and ugly at worst. The bird cage is attractive to look at, which is a huge plus in my book.
I find it funny that the boy is generally seen to be fairly light in regards to kink, because he is not into pain. He is into sensation and service and chastity and orgasm denial and tickling. All completely common kinks, but for some reason it gives the impression that he's not 'serious' about kink.
Don't get me wrong, I tease him about being a pansy all the time, but I think people forget that pansies are beautiful, delicate flowers that give us pleasure to have and look at.
But anyway, I think a lot of people think of us as a vanilla couple first, because they know I am soft on him in many ways - and sure, I am, in many ways, but not in all ways. I push him in many areas, I challenge him and yes, I do mean things to him. Just because they are not traditionally sadistic things doesn't make them any less awesomely mean.
Example. When I reach towards his mid section he automatically startles and tries to deflect, because surprise!tickles are a frequent occurrence. Mind fucks become easy, all I have to do is rest my hand over his ribs gently and not tickle him, it freaks him out.
Chastity, too, is an interesting one. People are all "oh yeah, chastity, whatever", but when I tell people that boy went an entire year without an orgasm their eyes go wide and it's like they've suddenly realized that you can be hardcore at anything.
You can be hardcore at anything.
But more importantly, why the fuck does it matter?
Don't get me wrong, I'm an edge player, and I love it. But I don't like that people think 'soft' fetishes somehow make people less serious players. It doesn't.
Anyway, little tangent there, sorry.
Back onto chastity. I didn't know I was into chastity until I agreed to help the boy explore his chastity fetish. And then VWHOOMP. New fetish alert. Now, I'm probably as into it as he is.
And I like it for practical reasons as well as sexy ones. Chastity is something I can do that doesn't wear me out. Chastity is something I can do even when I'm going through asexual phases. Chastity makes me feel even more secure in our relationship.
Chastity is pretty awesome. I can't wait to get the new cage onto the boy and start threatening to throw away the key, heh. (I've promised that I won't lock him up permanently... while we're in our twenties. I'll think about it again maybe when we're in our fifties. ;))
UPDATE 25/8/2011: I've written an update on the bird cage chastity device, and its pros and cons. You can find that post here: http://diaryofaleatherman.blogspot.com/2011/08/bird-cage-chastity-updates.html
We already own a cb6000, but it's too small for him, and it pinches his foreskin badly. I knew this was going to happen when he bought it, and I told him so, but he insisted it would be okay. :P Let it be a lesson: Daddy is always right.
But, this time *I* am the buyer, not the boy, so I got to actually do measurements and figure things out, and I'm pretty confident that it will actually be comfortable for him to wear.
Also, the bird cage design is the only chastity device I've seen of which I actually enjoy its aesthetic appeal. Most chastity devices I find very boring to look at at best, and ugly at worst. The bird cage is attractive to look at, which is a huge plus in my book.
I find it funny that the boy is generally seen to be fairly light in regards to kink, because he is not into pain. He is into sensation and service and chastity and orgasm denial and tickling. All completely common kinks, but for some reason it gives the impression that he's not 'serious' about kink.
Don't get me wrong, I tease him about being a pansy all the time, but I think people forget that pansies are beautiful, delicate flowers that give us pleasure to have and look at.
But anyway, I think a lot of people think of us as a vanilla couple first, because they know I am soft on him in many ways - and sure, I am, in many ways, but not in all ways. I push him in many areas, I challenge him and yes, I do mean things to him. Just because they are not traditionally sadistic things doesn't make them any less awesomely mean.
Example. When I reach towards his mid section he automatically startles and tries to deflect, because surprise!tickles are a frequent occurrence. Mind fucks become easy, all I have to do is rest my hand over his ribs gently and not tickle him, it freaks him out.
Chastity, too, is an interesting one. People are all "oh yeah, chastity, whatever", but when I tell people that boy went an entire year without an orgasm their eyes go wide and it's like they've suddenly realized that you can be hardcore at anything.
You can be hardcore at anything.
But more importantly, why the fuck does it matter?
Don't get me wrong, I'm an edge player, and I love it. But I don't like that people think 'soft' fetishes somehow make people less serious players. It doesn't.
Anyway, little tangent there, sorry.
Back onto chastity. I didn't know I was into chastity until I agreed to help the boy explore his chastity fetish. And then VWHOOMP. New fetish alert. Now, I'm probably as into it as he is.
And I like it for practical reasons as well as sexy ones. Chastity is something I can do that doesn't wear me out. Chastity is something I can do even when I'm going through asexual phases. Chastity makes me feel even more secure in our relationship.
Chastity is pretty awesome. I can't wait to get the new cage onto the boy and start threatening to throw away the key, heh. (I've promised that I won't lock him up permanently... while we're in our twenties. I'll think about it again maybe when we're in our fifties. ;))
UPDATE 25/8/2011: I've written an update on the bird cage chastity device, and its pros and cons. You can find that post here: http://diaryofaleatherman.blogspot.com/2011/08/bird-cage-chastity-updates.html
Thursday, January 27, 2011
What Makes A Good Follower?
Another blog post inspired by a conversation with the boy.
There's a lot of literature out there about leadership and how to be a good leader; but frustratingly for the boy, there is not much (if anything) out there about how to be a good follower. Most good stuff out there on being a good follower is actually already about BDSM; there is a large and wordy focus on submissives in BDSM and Leather (and Gor, and FemDom, and all those other related subcultures) about what it means to be submissive and what it means to be a good submissive.
But in broader strokes, what makes a good follower? Well as a leadery sort of person, here are some of my thoughts:
* Observation and attention.
* Listening skills. Being a good listener is vital to following instructions and interpreting them correctly. Being a good listener is not just hearing the words; but also taking the time to register them and all the circumstances surrounding them. To think about what is heard as much as hearing it.
* Good feedback skills. The ability to acknowledge instructions or criticism in a meaningful way, and make it clear to the leader that they were heard. Nothing worse than a snipped "yep" in response to an instruction, and nothing worse than "it's fine" in response to "what do you think of...".
* There's a phrase we have in Leather, "anticipatory service". It means knowing what your top wants before they know they want it. It's getting their favourite drink into their hand and lighting their cigarette without them even noticing that you're there, let alone asking for anything. While I don't think anticipatory service (or any related vanilla concept) is *necessary* for being a good follower, it sure is impressive.
* Being able to work without micro management. Not that micromanagement is a bad thing, but I think being able to work well without it makes an excellent follower.
* Going above and beyond the call of duty, without treading into territory that isn't theirs to tread into.
* Enthusiasm.
* Being able to be honest about their skills and competence. I would rather someone tell me they are unable to do something, or even do something well, than to attempt and fail with no communication on the issue. Likewise, they need to know themselves well enough to know this sort of thing in the first place.
* Good self-knowledge and self-awareness, though honestly I think those are the sorts of things that are good for everyone to have.
* Being observant and attentive! (Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but I think these two things are the most important things, in my humble opinion.)
I'm sure there's plenty more and this is probably something I will revisit at some point, but that's all I got for now. :)
There's a lot of literature out there about leadership and how to be a good leader; but frustratingly for the boy, there is not much (if anything) out there about how to be a good follower. Most good stuff out there on being a good follower is actually already about BDSM; there is a large and wordy focus on submissives in BDSM and Leather (and Gor, and FemDom, and all those other related subcultures) about what it means to be submissive and what it means to be a good submissive.
But in broader strokes, what makes a good follower? Well as a leadery sort of person, here are some of my thoughts:
* Observation and attention.
* Listening skills. Being a good listener is vital to following instructions and interpreting them correctly. Being a good listener is not just hearing the words; but also taking the time to register them and all the circumstances surrounding them. To think about what is heard as much as hearing it.
* Good feedback skills. The ability to acknowledge instructions or criticism in a meaningful way, and make it clear to the leader that they were heard. Nothing worse than a snipped "yep" in response to an instruction, and nothing worse than "it's fine" in response to "what do you think of...".
* There's a phrase we have in Leather, "anticipatory service". It means knowing what your top wants before they know they want it. It's getting their favourite drink into their hand and lighting their cigarette without them even noticing that you're there, let alone asking for anything. While I don't think anticipatory service (or any related vanilla concept) is *necessary* for being a good follower, it sure is impressive.
* Being able to work without micro management. Not that micromanagement is a bad thing, but I think being able to work well without it makes an excellent follower.
* Going above and beyond the call of duty, without treading into territory that isn't theirs to tread into.
* Enthusiasm.
* Being able to be honest about their skills and competence. I would rather someone tell me they are unable to do something, or even do something well, than to attempt and fail with no communication on the issue. Likewise, they need to know themselves well enough to know this sort of thing in the first place.
* Good self-knowledge and self-awareness, though honestly I think those are the sorts of things that are good for everyone to have.
* Being observant and attentive! (Yes I know I'm repeating myself, but I think these two things are the most important things, in my humble opinion.)
I'm sure there's plenty more and this is probably something I will revisit at some point, but that's all I got for now. :)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What Do I Bring to the Table?
Boy recently wrote a very good blog entry about what he brings to the relationship. It was spawned due to a discussion that we were having about leadership and followership and what is valuable in a follower, and that sort of thing.
So I thought I'd do a companion post, and have a think about what I can (and do) offer those in my care. What do I bring to the relationship as a dominant?
(A quick note - this is not the time for humility, that would defeat the purpose of this exercise, so please bear with me as I put on my arrogance hat for a few minutes.)
* I'm very laid back and very flexible. This can be a flaw in a dominant, admittedly, but it can also be a strength. I am good at working with what I am given. I am good at adjusting things when they could be improved.
* I'm a very good cook and I enjoy cooking for people. It is one of my favourite ways to nurture and comfort people.
* I'm very good at organizing if given the chance, and given control of someone's schedule I will make them so damn efficient (and still include time for rest and recreation) they won't know what hit them. Similarly, I can organize for any fantasy someone wants to live out. I know how to translate fantasy to reality.
* I have a wide array of BDSM skills, some of which I am considered an expert in.
* I am a nerd for psychology and self development and thus am an excellent life coach. I am very good at coaxing introspection rather than projecting.
* I have good connections and basis in the BDSM and Leather communities (as well as the queer community and trans community(ies)). I love my communities and consider them an important part of my life; and thus try to contribute to them as much as I can. Involvement with me is almost automatically involvement in my communities.
* I'm a very caring and determined person; and thus, when I decide that I am in on something, when I make a promise, when I decide to invest my attention in a person or activity, I do it with my entire being.
* I am not judgemental; pretty much about anything. I find it very easy to accept things and move on if they are not to my taste or desire.
* I constantly strive to be a better person, to improve myself.
That's all I can think of at the moment. But it's a good start and a good exercise to do.
I wrote this entry over a couple of days, so I've pretty much run out of steam at this point. But this is an interesting idea and one I feel pretty confident that I will revisit in future posts.
So I thought I'd do a companion post, and have a think about what I can (and do) offer those in my care. What do I bring to the relationship as a dominant?
(A quick note - this is not the time for humility, that would defeat the purpose of this exercise, so please bear with me as I put on my arrogance hat for a few minutes.)
* I'm very laid back and very flexible. This can be a flaw in a dominant, admittedly, but it can also be a strength. I am good at working with what I am given. I am good at adjusting things when they could be improved.
* I'm a very good cook and I enjoy cooking for people. It is one of my favourite ways to nurture and comfort people.
* I'm very good at organizing if given the chance, and given control of someone's schedule I will make them so damn efficient (and still include time for rest and recreation) they won't know what hit them. Similarly, I can organize for any fantasy someone wants to live out. I know how to translate fantasy to reality.
* I have a wide array of BDSM skills, some of which I am considered an expert in.
* I am a nerd for psychology and self development and thus am an excellent life coach. I am very good at coaxing introspection rather than projecting.
* I have good connections and basis in the BDSM and Leather communities (as well as the queer community and trans community(ies)). I love my communities and consider them an important part of my life; and thus try to contribute to them as much as I can. Involvement with me is almost automatically involvement in my communities.
* I'm a very caring and determined person; and thus, when I decide that I am in on something, when I make a promise, when I decide to invest my attention in a person or activity, I do it with my entire being.
* I am not judgemental; pretty much about anything. I find it very easy to accept things and move on if they are not to my taste or desire.
* I constantly strive to be a better person, to improve myself.
That's all I can think of at the moment. But it's a good start and a good exercise to do.
I wrote this entry over a couple of days, so I've pretty much run out of steam at this point. But this is an interesting idea and one I feel pretty confident that I will revisit in future posts.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bloggy Things
I've been thinking about this blog, and my approach to blogging.
I don't blog here as if I am writing articles. This is not meant to be some definitive example of behind-the-scenes of Leather or kink, nor is it particularly meant to make people think, or have any influence whatsoever.
I blog here as a diary. Because that is also the name of the blog - Diary of a Leatherman. Because that is what it is.
This is just a chronicle of one soul's journey. This is just me plonking my thoughts and experiences into the internet. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything in particular. This blog is really more for me than it is for any audience.
The reason I initially made this blog is still relevant: there are a lot of blogs out there by submissives of all genders, about their journey, and there are a good number of blogs by Mistresses and femme dommes as well. But there is a very, very small number of blogs by dominant men, about our lives.
Very few of us write about how we feel, what we think, what goes on within us. Those that do tend to blog tend to be very external bloggers, who write more about things that happen rather than what's bubbling beneath their skin. I want to write about all of it, the good the bad and the ugly, and what goes on inside my head.
So I'm not blogging this as if it were a zine or something. I'm blogging this as a record of this part of my life. It may bring some interest or light to those seeking answers, or it may not, I am fine with both of those things. Either way, I will have something to look back on in some years to see where I was and how I was feeling about this step of my journey.
I don't blog here as if I am writing articles. This is not meant to be some definitive example of behind-the-scenes of Leather or kink, nor is it particularly meant to make people think, or have any influence whatsoever.
I blog here as a diary. Because that is also the name of the blog - Diary of a Leatherman. Because that is what it is.
This is just a chronicle of one soul's journey. This is just me plonking my thoughts and experiences into the internet. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything in particular. This blog is really more for me than it is for any audience.
The reason I initially made this blog is still relevant: there are a lot of blogs out there by submissives of all genders, about their journey, and there are a good number of blogs by Mistresses and femme dommes as well. But there is a very, very small number of blogs by dominant men, about our lives.
Very few of us write about how we feel, what we think, what goes on within us. Those that do tend to blog tend to be very external bloggers, who write more about things that happen rather than what's bubbling beneath their skin. I want to write about all of it, the good the bad and the ugly, and what goes on inside my head.
So I'm not blogging this as if it were a zine or something. I'm blogging this as a record of this part of my life. It may bring some interest or light to those seeking answers, or it may not, I am fine with both of those things. Either way, I will have something to look back on in some years to see where I was and how I was feeling about this step of my journey.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
What's it LIKE?
A question I've had aimed at me is "What's it LIKE to be in a D/s relationship?"
Not usually asked by vanilla folk, actually. Usually asked by folk who are kinky, or think they are kinky, who desire D/s relationships, or think they do, but they're not sure... people who want to know what it's like not just out of curiosity, but because they think they might like it too.
I never know how to answer. I usually say something like "it's good" or something equally stupid.
It's 1am here at the moment so I don't expect this entry to answer the question properly right now either. But I want to think about out loud it a little.
What is it like?
It's... secure. It's very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they're built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you've talked about it and figured it out together.
It's... fun. It's like getting to play games all day every day with your best friend.
It's hard. It's hard because you need to talk about EVERYTHING. It's hard because you are intentionally creating a power imbalance, so you have to somehow find a way to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. It's hard because sometimes you just want to say "fuck it" and watch movies together and not have the D/s exist.
It's also hard because you have to know yourself. You have to know as much as you can about yourself. Your strengths, yes, your needs, definitely... and your weaknesses, absolutely. You need to be able to handle your weaknesses. That's probably the hardest bit, and not something I always succeed at (I am still very young, after all, everything is still practise).
It's sexy. It's all your wet dreams come to life, and that's fucking amazing.
It's fulfilling. When you were a kid, didn't you want to be kind of bad ass? Being in a D/s relationship makes you kind of bad ass. And you know what? Being bad ass is fucking awesome.
That's kind of what it's like. It's like being a happy, secure, sexy, satisfied, self-actualized, challenged, excited, hot and horny bad ass. And that's awesome.
Not usually asked by vanilla folk, actually. Usually asked by folk who are kinky, or think they are kinky, who desire D/s relationships, or think they do, but they're not sure... people who want to know what it's like not just out of curiosity, but because they think they might like it too.
I never know how to answer. I usually say something like "it's good" or something equally stupid.
It's 1am here at the moment so I don't expect this entry to answer the question properly right now either. But I want to think about out loud it a little.
What is it like?
It's... secure. It's very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they're built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you've talked about it and figured it out together.
It's... fun. It's like getting to play games all day every day with your best friend.
It's hard. It's hard because you need to talk about EVERYTHING. It's hard because you are intentionally creating a power imbalance, so you have to somehow find a way to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. It's hard because sometimes you just want to say "fuck it" and watch movies together and not have the D/s exist.
It's also hard because you have to know yourself. You have to know as much as you can about yourself. Your strengths, yes, your needs, definitely... and your weaknesses, absolutely. You need to be able to handle your weaknesses. That's probably the hardest bit, and not something I always succeed at (I am still very young, after all, everything is still practise).
It's sexy. It's all your wet dreams come to life, and that's fucking amazing.
It's fulfilling. When you were a kid, didn't you want to be kind of bad ass? Being in a D/s relationship makes you kind of bad ass. And you know what? Being bad ass is fucking awesome.
That's kind of what it's like. It's like being a happy, secure, sexy, satisfied, self-actualized, challenged, excited, hot and horny bad ass. And that's awesome.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thinky Thoughts About Community & Caring & Stuff
This entry is not really about D/s and Leather and BDSM. But this *IS* about community.
A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).
I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.
So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.
We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.
In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.
This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).
One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.
The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.
So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.
I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?
So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.
But unfortunately things are complicated.
Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".
I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.
However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.
Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.
Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?
While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.
Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.
A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).
I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.
So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.
We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.
In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.
This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).
One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.
The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.
So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.
I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?
So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.
But unfortunately things are complicated.
Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".
I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.
However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.
Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.
Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?
While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.
Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Being Daddy
Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Daddy... or more specifically, what it means to be so much a Daddy that even people who have no D/s nor parental connection to you sometimes address you as Daddy.
Let's delve into history a bit.
First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.
And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.
Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.
My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.
Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.
Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.
These two things are connected.
For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.
I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.
So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.
(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)
Let's delve into history a bit.
First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.
And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.
Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.
My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.
Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.
Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.
These two things are connected.
For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.
I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.
So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.
(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Macushla Farm
For two nights' worth of holiday, this week the boy and I headed out to Macushla Farm, which aside from being a lovely BnB in general is also a Fetish BnB.
It was glorious.
I'm not even sure where to start in talking about it. The cabin was amazing (ugh, I love spas more than life), the little touches were charming (the soap smelled wonderful and felt fantastic), the setting was fabulous (alpacas and kangaroos roaming around gum trees), and the delicious play room/dungeon was one of, if not THE, finest I've ever had the pleasure to patronize.
What to talk about what to talk about.
It was lovely to have just space to be with the boy, to enjoy him and being with him. It was lovely to play with him, though we didn't scene particularly hard or for very long, we did little snippets of play all through the day and night. We spent as much time in the dungeon with each other as we did in the cabin.
The dungeon was so perfect, it gave me dreams of what to do with my own. There was so much furniture, so many options, it was a dream. For the first couple of hours I couldn't focus properly, I was like a child in a toy store, just running about and poking everything, getting a feel for it, playing with it. The ambience was perfect and easily customised, with media centre for music and porn/other dvds, and many lighting options.
Ambience is an interesting thing - I usually play in such ambience at clubs etc, as even though I have BDSM furniture at home I haven't had the ambience so much, so I tend to rely on public events for ambience. With a private place like that, I discovered something interesting: I prefer to scene while barefoot.
This is unusual of course because D-types are usually required-by-expectation to be wearing either boots or at least dress shoes while they do their toppy business. But I kicked off my shoes and immediately found myself more at home.
I've mentioned before that so much of who I am as a top is influenced by my history in martial arts, and thus this is probably not much of a surprise. I love my feet, they let me feel where I am, how my body is, and let me channel my movements. All strikes in martial arts eventually come down to your feet - that's why your stance is so important.
Being barefoot made me feel more stable, like I was connected to the ground. It let me control my body better. It let me feel more 'in the moment'. It made me feel more connected to reality. I found my feet slipping back into stances that I haven't used in years, like I'd never stopped.
So that was eye-opening, and once again made me remember that not only is there no One True Way for this kind of thing, but that I'm a little bit of a freak as well - and I kind of like that!
Another thing that came up for me while I was there was this recurring fantasy I have of a kinky "family vacation". Not necessarily to do with Leather family (although I suppose that can't be helped in this situation), but more to do with the idea of the classic "family" idea, and the "family holiday" trope... and then twisting it up a bit.
I love the idea of having a couple of days away to get my kink on, with my 'family'... Daddy with his kids (boys? girls? any number thereof), the slave(s), and of course the family dog...
I don't have slaves or a human dog right now but that doesn't mean the fantasy isn't there!
I don't know why the idea appeals to me so much, but it does. Perverting the normality of your average person's everyday life. Enjoying and relaxing and taking time out with people I care about without needing to restrict my activities to vanilla-friendly ones.
The idea has reseeded in my mind so much I'm wondering if I could get away with organizing something like it for my birthday, which is coming up in a couple of months... I'm sure I could put a personal ad out there seeking a 'family dog' for a couple of days...
All in all I must say Macushla Farm is an absolute MUST for all kinksters who live in or are even passing through Victoria. The only downside about the place is that you need a car to get there!
It was glorious.
I'm not even sure where to start in talking about it. The cabin was amazing (ugh, I love spas more than life), the little touches were charming (the soap smelled wonderful and felt fantastic), the setting was fabulous (alpacas and kangaroos roaming around gum trees), and the delicious play room/dungeon was one of, if not THE, finest I've ever had the pleasure to patronize.
What to talk about what to talk about.
It was lovely to have just space to be with the boy, to enjoy him and being with him. It was lovely to play with him, though we didn't scene particularly hard or for very long, we did little snippets of play all through the day and night. We spent as much time in the dungeon with each other as we did in the cabin.
The dungeon was so perfect, it gave me dreams of what to do with my own. There was so much furniture, so many options, it was a dream. For the first couple of hours I couldn't focus properly, I was like a child in a toy store, just running about and poking everything, getting a feel for it, playing with it. The ambience was perfect and easily customised, with media centre for music and porn/other dvds, and many lighting options.
Ambience is an interesting thing - I usually play in such ambience at clubs etc, as even though I have BDSM furniture at home I haven't had the ambience so much, so I tend to rely on public events for ambience. With a private place like that, I discovered something interesting: I prefer to scene while barefoot.
This is unusual of course because D-types are usually required-by-expectation to be wearing either boots or at least dress shoes while they do their toppy business. But I kicked off my shoes and immediately found myself more at home.
I've mentioned before that so much of who I am as a top is influenced by my history in martial arts, and thus this is probably not much of a surprise. I love my feet, they let me feel where I am, how my body is, and let me channel my movements. All strikes in martial arts eventually come down to your feet - that's why your stance is so important.
Being barefoot made me feel more stable, like I was connected to the ground. It let me control my body better. It let me feel more 'in the moment'. It made me feel more connected to reality. I found my feet slipping back into stances that I haven't used in years, like I'd never stopped.
So that was eye-opening, and once again made me remember that not only is there no One True Way for this kind of thing, but that I'm a little bit of a freak as well - and I kind of like that!
Another thing that came up for me while I was there was this recurring fantasy I have of a kinky "family vacation". Not necessarily to do with Leather family (although I suppose that can't be helped in this situation), but more to do with the idea of the classic "family" idea, and the "family holiday" trope... and then twisting it up a bit.
I love the idea of having a couple of days away to get my kink on, with my 'family'... Daddy with his kids (boys? girls? any number thereof), the slave(s), and of course the family dog...
I don't have slaves or a human dog right now but that doesn't mean the fantasy isn't there!
I don't know why the idea appeals to me so much, but it does. Perverting the normality of your average person's everyday life. Enjoying and relaxing and taking time out with people I care about without needing to restrict my activities to vanilla-friendly ones.
The idea has reseeded in my mind so much I'm wondering if I could get away with organizing something like it for my birthday, which is coming up in a couple of months... I'm sure I could put a personal ad out there seeking a 'family dog' for a couple of days...
All in all I must say Macushla Farm is an absolute MUST for all kinksters who live in or are even passing through Victoria. The only downside about the place is that you need a car to get there!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Moving is such a hassle.
I don't have much of anything particularly interesting to blog about right now, my life is a steady stream of packing, moving, organizing, and eating takeaway.
Let's turn our eyes to the near future so that I do have something to talk about.
One of the conditions of me moving in with my boy was that we would get a house with at least three bedrooms. There are a few very boring reasons for this, but the great part of this condition is that it means we will have a dungeon/play room.
It will also have a spare bed in it so it will also double as crash space for when people come over. Fortunately we don't have any friends (that I know of) who aren't aware of our lifestyle, so we don't need to go into the closet about anything. The only slight exception is the boy's family, should they come over, we'll just shut the door and say it's the storage room and it's full of crap.
I'm quite looking forward to this for a multitude of reasons. One, what kinkster doesn't want their very own play room in their home? Two, it means I'll probably get a chance to build some more dungeon furniture that previously I haven't had the room for. At present we already own a St Andrews Cross that I built, and a large dog cage (that I bought off ebay). I'm not sure what the next item will be, it will depend on the room I suppose, but I'm looking forward to figuring it out :)
I'm also liking the idea of having outdoor furniture. We're also planning to have a place with a back yard, and I'd like to think of the back yard as another room of the house. If the fences aren't high enough we'll put up some temporary ones. Then, as well as the regular stuff like a bbq and an outdoor dining set, we can pop a couple of fun items of furniture out there as well.
As with all my reasoning for most of my decorating, it will be great for parties :)
I'm hoping to have more interesting things to blog about soon, dear internets. Perhaps next time I'll blog about something a little more theoretical and thought-provoking than just my kinky decorating plans.
Let's turn our eyes to the near future so that I do have something to talk about.
One of the conditions of me moving in with my boy was that we would get a house with at least three bedrooms. There are a few very boring reasons for this, but the great part of this condition is that it means we will have a dungeon/play room.
It will also have a spare bed in it so it will also double as crash space for when people come over. Fortunately we don't have any friends (that I know of) who aren't aware of our lifestyle, so we don't need to go into the closet about anything. The only slight exception is the boy's family, should they come over, we'll just shut the door and say it's the storage room and it's full of crap.
I'm quite looking forward to this for a multitude of reasons. One, what kinkster doesn't want their very own play room in their home? Two, it means I'll probably get a chance to build some more dungeon furniture that previously I haven't had the room for. At present we already own a St Andrews Cross that I built, and a large dog cage (that I bought off ebay). I'm not sure what the next item will be, it will depend on the room I suppose, but I'm looking forward to figuring it out :)
I'm also liking the idea of having outdoor furniture. We're also planning to have a place with a back yard, and I'd like to think of the back yard as another room of the house. If the fences aren't high enough we'll put up some temporary ones. Then, as well as the regular stuff like a bbq and an outdoor dining set, we can pop a couple of fun items of furniture out there as well.
As with all my reasoning for most of my decorating, it will be great for parties :)
I'm hoping to have more interesting things to blog about soon, dear internets. Perhaps next time I'll blog about something a little more theoretical and thought-provoking than just my kinky decorating plans.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Spoilt Rotten
I'm a spoiler. I spoil little girls and boys absolutely rotten.
It grew very easily - a little too easily - out of simply being a very nurturing person. I always have been and I always will be. I doubt I will ever be the sort of stern, strict dominant who makes their slaves' lives exciting sorts of hell.
Instead I prefer to nurture, to cuddle, to love and help grow. I discipline, yes, and I set structure and rules, and I even punish when it's called for. But deep down, I simply adore giving subs cuddles and presents and making dinner for them.
This is also why I prefer obedient submissives over the bratty type that love to be 'forced' to do things. I don't want to 'force' if I don't have to, I'd rather ask (or gently command) and then reward profusely.
It has it's drawbacks - sometimes I literally spoil rotten, and need to cut back on my leniency. Sometimes I need to remind myself that subs are a bit like puppies - you can spoil them, yes, but if you give a little too far they will jump all over you and you will no longer be in charge. Fortunately, I'm very much a dog person and am quite good at training them ;)
But at the end of the day, I like being a spoiler. There's nothing I love more than the squeals of delight when a submissive is given a special treat.
This post bought to you by a princess saying she'd like a plush toy or a pony, and me deciding that I would just give her both.
It grew very easily - a little too easily - out of simply being a very nurturing person. I always have been and I always will be. I doubt I will ever be the sort of stern, strict dominant who makes their slaves' lives exciting sorts of hell.
Instead I prefer to nurture, to cuddle, to love and help grow. I discipline, yes, and I set structure and rules, and I even punish when it's called for. But deep down, I simply adore giving subs cuddles and presents and making dinner for them.
This is also why I prefer obedient submissives over the bratty type that love to be 'forced' to do things. I don't want to 'force' if I don't have to, I'd rather ask (or gently command) and then reward profusely.
It has it's drawbacks - sometimes I literally spoil rotten, and need to cut back on my leniency. Sometimes I need to remind myself that subs are a bit like puppies - you can spoil them, yes, but if you give a little too far they will jump all over you and you will no longer be in charge. Fortunately, I'm very much a dog person and am quite good at training them ;)
But at the end of the day, I like being a spoiler. There's nothing I love more than the squeals of delight when a submissive is given a special treat.
This post bought to you by a princess saying she'd like a plush toy or a pony, and me deciding that I would just give her both.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Building Family
As I've mentioned previously, I am New Leather and I am aware of this fact. Not only am I aware of it, but I see it as an opportunity.
This does NOT mean that I do not have a great deal of respect and fascination in Old Leather and its traditions and ways.
I've always believed that while we can learn from history's mistakes, we can also learn from its victories. History is neither good nor bad - we can use the information that now have, thanks to history, to build a better present and future. The AIDS crisis of the 70s and 80s has taught us that safer sex really is the best option, for example... but that doesn't mean that we all use condoms all the time. Sometimes, when we have examined the risks and made an informed decision, we do without condoms. We go bareback. And that's okay.
The problems that many perceive as "not taking traditions seriously" or "not caring about our history" is that many people don't examine history before doing things. They do not learn from the past's mistakes and victories. They think they have it figured out by themselves.
Now, sometimes this is true, and sometimes this attitude can build glorious new things. But this type of thinking is the type that leads to "condoms aren't necessary". Carelessness.
The other way can be awkward as well - thinking we MUST do things a certain way because of tradition does not work for everyone. These are the people who know they are both free of STDs and/or not at risk of pregnancy, and do not eroticize safer sex (as I do), but simply use a condom every time because that's what you do. It doesn't hurt anyone, but what if they might enjoy bareback sex? They might never know!
I like informed consent. I like it in all things - sexual, psychological, medical, everything.
I like it in history, too. I learn about our history, I learn about traditions, I learn about protocols and I learn as much as I can about the way people make things work... so that I can make an informed decision about whether that particular thing will work for me.
I am rambling, as I tend to do in this blog sometimes. I will come to the point.
In the last few years, I have been learning as much as I can about Leather and Leather families and households. Partially because I am a huge nerd and I enjoy learning about these things, partially because I have come to identify as a Leather man... but also partially because I feel that a Leather family, a connected tribe who interact with each other via not just talk and love and BDSM and/or sex, but also through protocols and hierarchies, is something that I am increasingly and unavoidably attracted to.
I feel drawn to build my own Leather family.
That is a bold admission. Many Leather families are not born or built, they are joined, or at best they grow slowly. This isn't mutually exclusive with what I am looking to do, it's just that I am being conscious, mindful of what I am slowly building. I am watering the seed in my soul and my life, so that it may grow.
The boy is firmly at my heels on this subject, he too feels the growing desire/need for family.
Now, here's the thing. The way most Leather families work, are built, etc... it's not that I think they're bad or anything, but as they stand, they don't work for me. I'm seeking something... different.
As I have mentioned before, much of who I am is influenced by martial arts. There is no reason that a family that I may be the head of (beneath the late "real" head, I'd say, which would be my Sensei) would not also be influenced by this. This isn't even that far away from the origins of Leather - much of its protocols and traditions are rooted in the military.
But I find myself flandering a little. Learning as much as possible, poaching from many traditions, families, cultures, ways... and incorporating it all into myself, who I am, what I seek, what I offer....
It's very complicated!
It also takes a very long time. This is something I've been thinking about for a year (at least) now, and I am not actually closer to it appearing yet. It is still gestating, a new form, a new life, a new chapter... laying dormant in my mind, waiting to be born.
It will happen. I am patient.
In the meantime, I know that one thing that absolutely WILL be passed to those involved with me is the way I learned how to kneel and bow. It's quite simple and not that different to how most people naturally do it, but it carries so much meaning for me that being able to pass that on is intensely powerful.
This does NOT mean that I do not have a great deal of respect and fascination in Old Leather and its traditions and ways.
I've always believed that while we can learn from history's mistakes, we can also learn from its victories. History is neither good nor bad - we can use the information that now have, thanks to history, to build a better present and future. The AIDS crisis of the 70s and 80s has taught us that safer sex really is the best option, for example... but that doesn't mean that we all use condoms all the time. Sometimes, when we have examined the risks and made an informed decision, we do without condoms. We go bareback. And that's okay.
The problems that many perceive as "not taking traditions seriously" or "not caring about our history" is that many people don't examine history before doing things. They do not learn from the past's mistakes and victories. They think they have it figured out by themselves.
Now, sometimes this is true, and sometimes this attitude can build glorious new things. But this type of thinking is the type that leads to "condoms aren't necessary". Carelessness.
The other way can be awkward as well - thinking we MUST do things a certain way because of tradition does not work for everyone. These are the people who know they are both free of STDs and/or not at risk of pregnancy, and do not eroticize safer sex (as I do), but simply use a condom every time because that's what you do. It doesn't hurt anyone, but what if they might enjoy bareback sex? They might never know!
I like informed consent. I like it in all things - sexual, psychological, medical, everything.
I like it in history, too. I learn about our history, I learn about traditions, I learn about protocols and I learn as much as I can about the way people make things work... so that I can make an informed decision about whether that particular thing will work for me.
I am rambling, as I tend to do in this blog sometimes. I will come to the point.
In the last few years, I have been learning as much as I can about Leather and Leather families and households. Partially because I am a huge nerd and I enjoy learning about these things, partially because I have come to identify as a Leather man... but also partially because I feel that a Leather family, a connected tribe who interact with each other via not just talk and love and BDSM and/or sex, but also through protocols and hierarchies, is something that I am increasingly and unavoidably attracted to.
I feel drawn to build my own Leather family.
That is a bold admission. Many Leather families are not born or built, they are joined, or at best they grow slowly. This isn't mutually exclusive with what I am looking to do, it's just that I am being conscious, mindful of what I am slowly building. I am watering the seed in my soul and my life, so that it may grow.
The boy is firmly at my heels on this subject, he too feels the growing desire/need for family.
Now, here's the thing. The way most Leather families work, are built, etc... it's not that I think they're bad or anything, but as they stand, they don't work for me. I'm seeking something... different.
As I have mentioned before, much of who I am is influenced by martial arts. There is no reason that a family that I may be the head of (beneath the late "real" head, I'd say, which would be my Sensei) would not also be influenced by this. This isn't even that far away from the origins of Leather - much of its protocols and traditions are rooted in the military.
But I find myself flandering a little. Learning as much as possible, poaching from many traditions, families, cultures, ways... and incorporating it all into myself, who I am, what I seek, what I offer....
It's very complicated!
It also takes a very long time. This is something I've been thinking about for a year (at least) now, and I am not actually closer to it appearing yet. It is still gestating, a new form, a new life, a new chapter... laying dormant in my mind, waiting to be born.
It will happen. I am patient.
In the meantime, I know that one thing that absolutely WILL be passed to those involved with me is the way I learned how to kneel and bow. It's quite simple and not that different to how most people naturally do it, but it carries so much meaning for me that being able to pass that on is intensely powerful.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Dear Future [blank]
Dear future [blank],
I'm not sure what you are, just yet. I don't know your gender, I don't know your kinks, I don't even know your exact relationship to me.
Will you be my slave, my totally owned property? Will you be my sidekick submissive, as I am hero, and we fight the crime of sex negativity together? Will you be my puppy, to be petted and fed and sleep in the cage? Will you be a patient student, wanting to learn what I've learned from those before me? Will you be the submissive of my boy, who wants to be a part of my life as well? Or will you be something else entirely, that I haven't even thought of?
I don't know you yet, [blank]. But I do love you, dearly.
But I'm not ready for you yet.
I don't want you to think that this means I don't want you. I do want you, and in fact I want you terribly. I dream about you, I fantasize about you.
However, I am not ready yet. There are many physical things I must pull together in the coming months... my housing situation, my emotional situation... I have books to read and study to do, and things to organize. I'm not ready for you yet, because I want to be as pulled together as I can get before I meet you.
I hope that's all right.
Of course, if you appear before then, I hope that I have the strength to know it, and to accept you without worrying about the fact that I don't feel ready yet.
I look forward to meeting you, [blank], I think about you almost every day. I hope you can forgive me for not being ready for you yet.
I'm not sure what you are, just yet. I don't know your gender, I don't know your kinks, I don't even know your exact relationship to me.
Will you be my slave, my totally owned property? Will you be my sidekick submissive, as I am hero, and we fight the crime of sex negativity together? Will you be my puppy, to be petted and fed and sleep in the cage? Will you be a patient student, wanting to learn what I've learned from those before me? Will you be the submissive of my boy, who wants to be a part of my life as well? Or will you be something else entirely, that I haven't even thought of?
I don't know you yet, [blank]. But I do love you, dearly.
But I'm not ready for you yet.
I don't want you to think that this means I don't want you. I do want you, and in fact I want you terribly. I dream about you, I fantasize about you.
However, I am not ready yet. There are many physical things I must pull together in the coming months... my housing situation, my emotional situation... I have books to read and study to do, and things to organize. I'm not ready for you yet, because I want to be as pulled together as I can get before I meet you.
I hope that's all right.
Of course, if you appear before then, I hope that I have the strength to know it, and to accept you without worrying about the fact that I don't feel ready yet.
I look forward to meeting you, [blank], I think about you almost every day. I hope you can forgive me for not being ready for you yet.
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