The past two years have been tough. I've written about them here somewhat. What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex. I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that. But they need brief mention for context.
I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things. And I am, slowly. Too slowly. I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing. Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines. It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.
Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Or, no. Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.
I've been very... serious with it all. I've been working hard at it. And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.
I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting. And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.
I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr. #52weeksofkink
It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week. But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".
And I felt such desire.
What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down? What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?
I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight. What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week? Each week something different. No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps. Just something little. Each week. One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.
That feels a little like hope.