Being ready is a complicated issue.
No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.
In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."
Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.
That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.
But who pushes us?
In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.
So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?
I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.
Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.
I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.
I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.
For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.
But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.
I miss being new.
I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.
But it's time to accept something: I am not new.
I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.
This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.
I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.
But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.
But I am ready.
I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.
I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.