Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Seeking (Crosspost from Fetlife)

We have the internet again! Huzzuh!

In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:


Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.

(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)

Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.

So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.

I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.

It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.

I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.

I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.

OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.

Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?

Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.

At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.

About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.

Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.

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