Gestating

Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13 years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned, the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular, people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't... really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.  It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed, and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling, thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I get there, and the path along the way.

Here We Go Again

Wellp, serina broke up with me.  Again.

It's not a bad breakup.  It's a really good one actually; we're remaining friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having today, but that's normal).  I am sad about it, of course I am.  But her reasons were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.

I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs.  She needs someone domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that.  I'm polite and gentle and stable.  She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to figure out better what she needs.

All very sensible.  And I really, really do wish her the best.

Still sucks though.

I think that's all I'm going to write about it.  I have a bit more wound-licking to do and I just... I don't know.  There's not much else to say about it.  Break ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.

Reconnecting

The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.  What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am, slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.  Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out, I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

Limited

I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.  Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

Return

After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.

I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene.  When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink.  But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.

Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I hadn't gotten to yet.  It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people.  Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a common phrase.

Never have I felt so at home.

I love kink.  I love Leather.  And I love the kink and Leather communities.  I love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily.  It was a familial reunion.  So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing themselves and each other.  So much love for ourselves and our people.

I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic thing.  To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to belong, we all want to be beloved.  To feel that is always an extremely powerful thing.

It's good to be back.