I really hate being limited.
I am disabled, chronically ill. I'm on the more severe side of it. I spend most of my time on bedrest. My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't lose my mind with boredom.
In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much. I keep myself occupied with projects and entertainment.
In kink, sex and relationship terms however. Hoo boy. It pisses me off.
It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like". I mean, obviously that's a thing, too. But at the moment I find myself with a new and frustratingly annoying issue.
I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.
I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it directly at the two partners I already have. My effort is such a precious resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my current relationships, then I am failing them.
But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to play, I want to have fun. I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice. But I didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it. If I have the energy to think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that with a partner I already have? But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.
It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of this. This is 100% in my own damn head.
But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either. Relationships require attention to thrive. If my attention is limited, I need to channel it efficiently.
I'm not really sure what the answer is, here. I suppose it requires some more thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.
