Tools and Problem Solving

A friend of mine was telling me about how not many people 'air their dirty laundry' about their relationships... this is of course people's right, but it has the side effect that no one has any examples of how to resolve issues in relationships. So I thought I would air a little dirty laundry here, and show you how we're fixing it.

So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.

Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.

Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.

My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.

So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.

Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.

For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.

Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".

Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.

Readiness

Being ready is a complicated issue.

No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.

In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."

Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.

That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.

But who pushes us?

In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.

So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?

I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.

Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.

I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.

I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.

For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.

But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.

I miss being new.

I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.

But it's time to accept something: I am not new.

I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.

This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.

I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.

But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.

But I am ready.

I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.

I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.

Tell Me That I Have What It Takes

Recently, via the wonderful "explore" feature on Google Reader, I stumbled across this fabulous post about struggle.

Just like Albert, many of us have the potential to accomplish great things, and will willingly struggle against obstacles time and time again.

We struggle because we believe the journey is worth it.

We struggle because we want to improve ourselves.

We struggle because we know we have what it takes.

This is very, very related to D/s relationships.

When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.

In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.

However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.

Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.

So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?

This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?

Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.

So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.

I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.

I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?

Happy New Year :)

Welcome to 2010!

I don't really do resolutions, but if you do I wish you all the best with them :)

I look forward to being an even bigger pervert this year. More play, more variety in my play, workshops to run, people to meet, and loads of wonderful kinky sex to have. I want to get bigger this year, and I plan to do that.

In almost exactly a month, the boy and I will celebrate three years together. I'm looking forward to that :)