Bloggy Things

I've been thinking about this blog, and my approach to blogging.

I don't blog here as if I am writing articles. This is not meant to be some definitive example of behind-the-scenes of Leather or kink, nor is it particularly meant to make people think, or have any influence whatsoever.

I blog here as a diary. Because that is also the name of the blog - Diary of a Leatherman. Because that is what it is.

This is just a chronicle of one soul's journey. This is just me plonking my thoughts and experiences into the internet. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything in particular. This blog is really more for me than it is for any audience.

The reason I initially made this blog is still relevant: there are a lot of blogs out there by submissives of all genders, about their journey, and there are a good number of blogs by Mistresses and femme dommes as well. But there is a very, very small number of blogs by dominant men, about our lives.

Very few of us write about how we feel, what we think, what goes on within us. Those that do tend to blog tend to be very external bloggers, who write more about things that happen rather than what's bubbling beneath their skin. I want to write about all of it, the good the bad and the ugly, and what goes on inside my head.

So I'm not blogging this as if it were a zine or something. I'm blogging this as a record of this part of my life. It may bring some interest or light to those seeking answers, or it may not, I am fine with both of those things. Either way, I will have something to look back on in some years to see where I was and how I was feeling about this step of my journey.

Power Imbalances

So, boy is submissive and I am dominant. In short, I'm the boss.

But is it that simple?

I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.

One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.

I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.

At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.

Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.

Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.

So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.

What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.

Moving

Last entry was my 50th entry. I didn't even notice. There you go. I think it's fitting, somewhat.

Anyway.

Today the boy and I signed a lease! We were accepted for a lovely little home in Braybrook, which we fell in love with as soon as we walked into it. It's beautiful and I know we'll be happy there. I'm already making plans for the dungeon. :)

So now there's just another maybe month of madness, and then we can settle down and start having a nice relaxed sort of life again. I'm looking forward to that; there's been a bit too much excitement in my life recently.

What's it LIKE?

A question I've had aimed at me is "What's it LIKE to be in a D/s relationship?"

Not usually asked by vanilla folk, actually. Usually asked by folk who are kinky, or think they are kinky, who desire D/s relationships, or think they do, but they're not sure... people who want to know what it's like not just out of curiosity, but because they think they might like it too.

I never know how to answer. I usually say something like "it's good" or something equally stupid.

It's 1am here at the moment so I don't expect this entry to answer the question properly right now either. But I want to think about out loud it a little.

What is it like?

It's... secure. It's very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they're built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you've talked about it and figured it out together.

It's... fun. It's like getting to play games all day every day with your best friend.

It's hard. It's hard because you need to talk about EVERYTHING. It's hard because you are intentionally creating a power imbalance, so you have to somehow find a way to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. It's hard because sometimes you just want to say "fuck it" and watch movies together and not have the D/s exist.

It's also hard because you have to know yourself. You have to know as much as you can about yourself. Your strengths, yes, your needs, definitely... and your weaknesses, absolutely. You need to be able to handle your weaknesses. That's probably the hardest bit, and not something I always succeed at (I am still very young, after all, everything is still practise).

It's sexy. It's all your wet dreams come to life, and that's fucking amazing.

It's fulfilling. When you were a kid, didn't you want to be kind of bad ass? Being in a D/s relationship makes you kind of bad ass. And you know what? Being bad ass is fucking awesome.

That's kind of what it's like. It's like being a happy, secure, sexy, satisfied, self-actualized, challenged, excited, hot and horny bad ass. And that's awesome.