So, a little about this blog.
I started this blog for two reasons.
The first was that I ask my boy to write a weekly blog so that I can know where he is with things, how he's feeling about our relationship, and get an insight into him and so on and so forth. It's a common thing for dominants to ask our submissives to do - to keep a journal.
I figured, if we ask for such transparency from our submissives, why shouldn't we also be transparent in our thoughts and feelings, in a similarly easy to digest and access sort of way? I have little desire to be the mysterious dom in a dark corner that just barks orders and never reveals anything about themselves. I like to think of myself more as a lover who can bring you to trust me by proving I am worthy of that trust; a rakishly handsome rogue who smiles a lot and still makes you melt; a hero who takes you on as his sidekick; a teacher and guide who can take you to the places you want to go (and others where you should go, even if you don't want to).
In short, communication and transparency is a valuable tool in all relationships. So I started this blog to be transparent to my partners, to let them see inside my brain on issues about BDSM, Leather, relationships, love, and all that other nonsense. :)
The other reason I started this blog is much more simple. There are very few BDSM/Leather lifestyle blogs written by dominant men.
I don't know why. I see lots of blogs by submissives, slaves, boys, girls, bottoms, femme dommes, Mistresses, female switches, etc. But for some reason we male dominants don't seem to want to write about ourselves.
So I started this blog also to add a dominant male voice to the internet. I don't claim to speak for all dominant men (far from it, actually, I think I'm quite different from a lot of them), but I'm not claiming to be the definitive anything. I'm just me, a young man making his way in Leather and alternative relationships, and writing about them.
I mention all this for two reasons. The first is that while I've mentioned this sort of thing before, never so blatantly. These are the reasons my blog exist, and remain the most important reasons to me.
The other reason is that I just found the 'stats' option on my blogger dashboard and have found out that aside from the 30+ subscribers I have, this blog tends to get around 100 hits a week. Which came as a bit of a shock. Adding this to the fact that the lovely Jey has nominated my post about community and caring for the Bloggers Who Make You Think List, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just posting random nonsense from my brain just for the sake of my lovers and a couple of friends, but some of you actually read this thing. :P
So, while it won't be intentional, this knowledge will shape how I write in my blog a little bit over the coming months. Who knows, I might even plan something for my 100th post.
But I wanted to post about my reasons for this blog. They're the most important reasons and they're the reasons I continue to post. So if you ever wonder what this blog is all about... it's about that. It's being communicating with my partners, and showing that male doms are humans after all. :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Intersex Awareness Day
I wrote and posted this originally on facebook. But it's close enough to heart and an important enough issue that I'm posting it here as well, despite the fact it has nothing to do with Leather or BDSM. Please forgive my indulgence.
~~~
So, apparently today is Intersex Awareness Day.
So here tis.
I'm intersex. I didn't know this until relatively recently in my life. I only found out while I was trying to medically transition, only to find out that I can't.
I'm a person.
Intersex people are not freaks or hermaphrodites. We are not "one in a million". We are more like one in a thousand, and that's conservatively. It's more likely that we're one in a hundred.
We can be men, women, both, or neither in identity. We can be cis or we can be trans. We can be straight, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual.
We exist.
When, during discussions on gender, sex, and/or intersex, you say things like "oh, but they're so rare, they don't count", you are being a douchebag. We count. There are millions of us. Just because we don't fit into your narrow ideas of how the world works does not mean that we don't count. The irony is that this sort of comment often comes from people who believe they're critical thinkers, logical people who work with evidence and facts rather than ideas or concepts.
We are people, and we are everywhere. You don't know if someone you know is intersex. You don't know if someone you're talking to is intersex. You only know if we tell you - and a lot of us don't come out, because it's a dangerous world out there to come out about being intersex.
So, on intersex awareness day, I'd like you to firstly, be aware of intersex people. We're real. Secondly, I'd like you to not be a douchebag about intersex people, for the rest of your life.
If you can do those two things, you'll make the world a much better place. And you'll be a decent person, which is its own reward.
~~~
And just to clarify, for those who know little to nothing about me otherwise; I'm an intersex man, an intersex trans man to be exact. So the blog title, "Diary of a Leatherman" is entirely true. Just a little less complicated. :)
~~~
So, apparently today is Intersex Awareness Day.
So here tis.
I'm intersex. I didn't know this until relatively recently in my life. I only found out while I was trying to medically transition, only to find out that I can't.
I'm a person.
Intersex people are not freaks or hermaphrodites. We are not "one in a million". We are more like one in a thousand, and that's conservatively. It's more likely that we're one in a hundred.
We can be men, women, both, or neither in identity. We can be cis or we can be trans. We can be straight, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual.
We exist.
When, during discussions on gender, sex, and/or intersex, you say things like "oh, but they're so rare, they don't count", you are being a douchebag. We count. There are millions of us. Just because we don't fit into your narrow ideas of how the world works does not mean that we don't count. The irony is that this sort of comment often comes from people who believe they're critical thinkers, logical people who work with evidence and facts rather than ideas or concepts.
We are people, and we are everywhere. You don't know if someone you know is intersex. You don't know if someone you're talking to is intersex. You only know if we tell you - and a lot of us don't come out, because it's a dangerous world out there to come out about being intersex.
So, on intersex awareness day, I'd like you to firstly, be aware of intersex people. We're real. Secondly, I'd like you to not be a douchebag about intersex people, for the rest of your life.
If you can do those two things, you'll make the world a much better place. And you'll be a decent person, which is its own reward.
~~~
And just to clarify, for those who know little to nothing about me otherwise; I'm an intersex man, an intersex trans man to be exact. So the blog title, "Diary of a Leatherman" is entirely true. Just a little less complicated. :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Right vs. Left
There's a lot of discussion in Leather as to whether the submissive should walk/stand on the left or the right of the dominant. I don't really know if I believe in one true way for this, I think whatever works for people is fine. But anyway, that's not what this is about.
I often prefer to have my submissive on my left side. It just feels more natural, or better, or something, I don't know. I just know it's what I prefer.
Today I had a lightbulb moment which explained why!
At karate (which as I'm sure you all remember, is practically my base for my life in Leather) we were lined up in a very specific order. Sensei at the front of the class, of course, and then we were lined up grade by grade, from left to right. Those who were of a lower grade than you, were always on your left.
So in my formative adolescent years, I had already learned that those lower than you in the chain were on your left, and those higher on your right. It's unsurprising that that subconsciously stuck around even long after I had to leave karate! :)
I often prefer to have my submissive on my left side. It just feels more natural, or better, or something, I don't know. I just know it's what I prefer.
Today I had a lightbulb moment which explained why!
At karate (which as I'm sure you all remember, is practically my base for my life in Leather) we were lined up in a very specific order. Sensei at the front of the class, of course, and then we were lined up grade by grade, from left to right. Those who were of a lower grade than you, were always on your left.
So in my formative adolescent years, I had already learned that those lower than you in the chain were on your left, and those higher on your right. It's unsurprising that that subconsciously stuck around even long after I had to leave karate! :)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Laziness & Life Coaches
The boy has been struggling with laziness his whole life, from what he tells me. A bright boy from a young age, he was labelled as "gifted" as a child and thus began to learn the kinds of things that "gifted" kids learn. When I say that, I don't just mean advanced mathematics and such, but the social pressure and expectations that go with being "gifted".
He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.
It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.
The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.
It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.
One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.
So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)
So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.
Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.
So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:
* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.
* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.
* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.
I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.
Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.
He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.
It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.
The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.
It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.
One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.
So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)
So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.
Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.
So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:
* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.
* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.
* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.
I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.
Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Happy Belated Birthday, Blog!
Apparently two days ago was this blog's 1st birthday!
The reason I didn't notice this was because I kept feeling like this blog was barely six months old. I still feel like *I'm* so new to Leather (and I am, having only identified as Leather for... well, if the blog is a year old, probably somewhere around two years? Honestly I can't even remember right now, I'm not very good with dates anyway).
I feel like I should do something to celebrate, but I can't think of anything, heh. This would be much easier if I were a monetized blog, then I could run a competition or give something away or something. I guess if you're in Melbourne and you'd like to get tied up or something, I can offer that.
This reminds me that in about a month and a half it will be the first anniversary of my officially collaring the boy. What a strange thought. It feels both much longer and much less time than that has passed, simultaneously.
Another milestone; on New Years the boy will have completed his full year of orgasm denial. How terribly proud of him I am! And how well he has learned the lesson that sometimes it can be dangeous to tell Daddy your fantasies... because he *will* make them happen.
Well, I must say that life is going splendidly, and I think the saying "the first year of many to come" applies as much as ever.
The reason I didn't notice this was because I kept feeling like this blog was barely six months old. I still feel like *I'm* so new to Leather (and I am, having only identified as Leather for... well, if the blog is a year old, probably somewhere around two years? Honestly I can't even remember right now, I'm not very good with dates anyway).
I feel like I should do something to celebrate, but I can't think of anything, heh. This would be much easier if I were a monetized blog, then I could run a competition or give something away or something. I guess if you're in Melbourne and you'd like to get tied up or something, I can offer that.
This reminds me that in about a month and a half it will be the first anniversary of my officially collaring the boy. What a strange thought. It feels both much longer and much less time than that has passed, simultaneously.
Another milestone; on New Years the boy will have completed his full year of orgasm denial. How terribly proud of him I am! And how well he has learned the lesson that sometimes it can be dangeous to tell Daddy your fantasies... because he *will* make them happen.
Well, I must say that life is going splendidly, and I think the saying "the first year of many to come" applies as much as ever.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
What happens when two very different people get into a relationship with each other.
Boy and I are very different people. Boy thrives under routine and structure, he excels when he has a direct path to follow. I, on the other hand, get depressed and anxious under structure, I need flexibility and spontaneity in my life in order to thrive.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?
Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?
But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).
I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.
At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.
We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.
If you're curious these are his current rules:
* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.
If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)
Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Seeking (Crosspost from Fetlife)
We have the internet again! Huzzuh!
In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:
~~~
Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.
(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)
Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.
So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.
I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.
It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.
I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.
I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.
OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.
Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?
Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.
At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.
I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.
About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.
Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.
In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:
~~~
Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.
(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)
Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.
So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.
I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.
It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.
I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.
I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.
OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.
Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?
Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.
At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.
I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.
About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.
Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Moving House Sucks
Haven't forgotten you, blog, but we've moved into our new house and we are still not unpacked and still have no internet. Will be a few more days until I'm in any way back to normal.
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