Sunday, October 25, 2015
Show Yourself to Me, Xan West's New Anthology
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Getting Back Into the Swing of Things
Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with my chronic illness.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling very heart-sore about D/s relationships.
Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means that for us, that is always beneath the D/s. It's always an interesting balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.
One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy. I needed him to be my partner.
Oh, we were still D/s. Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships. D/s is natural for us. But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play, etc - got stripped away for a while.
Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises. Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.
Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting. And I was doing my best. I was. I am. But I'm not superhuman.
But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again. There is space again. And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink, rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until I can breathe again.
I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room to get there. I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.
In a way I feel like I am starting all over again. And that's actually a rather nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming times will be enriching and enjoyable.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Everything is HAPPENING SO MUCH.
Long time no blog, once again. Only this time, I do have things to talk about, because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
My mother died. It's been... incredibly difficult. I was very close with my mother, I loved her very much. Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened very suddenly. She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks. On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.
More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are back together.
It was serendipitous. I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't going to happen.
Well joke's on my brain, I suppose. Because she decided to a little bit of making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that post. She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.
So, long story short, we are trying again. I am far too tired from.. well, everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here. Perhaps I will another time.
For now, we are starting fresh. We are taking things slowly, because I am still dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.
I am optimistic about the future. I am also very, very tired, heh.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Long Time No Blog
Hello blog, sorry for the long time spent away.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Honestly, there's been a couple of reasons for the lack of blogging.
The first is that I've simply not had the time to focus on kink. My health has been dreadful, and we've been through a lot of stress - we've moved house back into the city, one of our cats got extremely ill, and generic life stress abounded. So kink has been on the backburner.
The other reason is that, honestly, I'm still a little heartbroken over serina. It's been well over a year now since we parted ways, but I'm a very ... I'm not sure what the word is, exactly. Intense maybe? Attached? Person. I am slow to fall in love, however once I am there I'm pretty sure there's no way out for me - I'm still in love with everyone I've loved, regardless of how our relationships went or ended.
And it is hard, as I said - losing not just a relationship, but a relationship that you had a future planned for... it's very hard to lose that future as well.
And so I've been heartbroken and not in the right emotional space to consider new relationships, and barely having enough drive in me to maintain the one I have with my boy.
We are fine, boy and I - we are going through a bit of a normal slowing down that we're working through. We've been together eight years now, so we've become incredibly familiar, and the relationship does take extra work this far in to make sure no one is getting bored or resentful.
I am, however, finally starting to perk up in terms of my health and my situation. Hopefully I will be able to get back involved with the community again in the coming weeks - I've missed it a lot, but I did need my time away I think. Although I've never really felt "away" from the community really, I feel like I keep it in my heart even if I'm not out going to things.
Still a long way off new D/s relationships I think, but that's comforting in a way, because there's no reason to add seeking stress to my rejoining of the local community. It will be nice to try and slide back into things, it's been far too long.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)