An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

3am musings.

It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.

I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here.  At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.

Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment.  It's... interesting.  I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her.  Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense.  I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person.  Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy!  I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.

Regardless, I am getting used to her being here.  Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her.  Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.

Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room.  She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house.  I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel.  At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay.  There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times.  The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.

I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before.  Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that.  I feel like I miss him a lot right now.  I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well.  I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight.  I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.

In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days.  There is always something demanding my attention.  Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.

A moment in time worth recording.

It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.

Bad Days & Beat Downs

So a common thing I see owned subs and slaves write about is the feeling of coming home after a bad day, to feel much better once home and 'in their place' beneath their Master.  Today I feel like I saw a bit of that in action.

I've been bursting to play since about 3am last night.  So I had plans to play with pet when she came over after work.  During the day she made a blog post about how she was having a bad day, and felt pretty crappy.

When she came home, I played with her anyway (as is my prerogative).  For the first couple of minutes, she was very much not into it, even whimpering "please Sir no, please stop".  (Which is not a safeword :p).

After a couple of minutes, she went quiet, and then not long after that she started making very happy noises.

When we were done, she looked so serene and happy.  The transformation was incredible.  It was the first time I have seen, in person, that switch.  From feeling down and having a bad day to feeling content and comfortable at the feet of one's dominant.

It was a very special thing to witness, and it made me feel very warm and happy.

It also makes me very hopeful for the future.  I feel very right with this girl at my feet.  I feel very content and comfortable to have her there.  I think that bodes well for us.

Worthiness

So today I am thinking about worthiness.

We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that.  I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.

Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?

Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?

Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?

If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".

Realistically, that doesn't matter.  If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.

But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling.  I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.

This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself.  This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do.  This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.

For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?

I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes.  If that means pizza, then pizza it is.

But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea.  I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know.  I want to be reliable.  I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.

And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.

Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know?  But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.

It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?

This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to.  But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.

I am rambling.  Apologies.

There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us.  I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously.  If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.

So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".

I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that.  If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously.  And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.

My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant.  What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships.  Actions, not thoughts.

Intergenerational Friendships

I just posted this to Fetlife and I thought it should go here too.

~~~


This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of years, and I've started expressing it here and there to a few people, but I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts a little more.

I'm in my mid/late twenties.  I'm definitely an adult, in all ways, but I am still young.

My friends?  Their ages range from 15 to 70.  And I love that.  That's important to me.

Why?

Because often people in different generations don't want to listen to each other.  Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and thinks other generations are stupid in some way - older people think 'young people don't listen and don't know anything', younger people think 'old people are out of touch and don't know anything'.

They're all wrong of course.  Older people have experience and knowledge that only comes with time.  Young people have fresh, new hope and ideas.

I am dedicated to maintaining my intergenerational friendships.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to learn and I want to teach - and not just learn from my elders and teach my youngers (although certainly that is a huge part of it), but the other way as well.

I am extremely aware of the gaps in my own knowledge of my cultural history.  As a trans person, as a queer man, as a Leather man... what do I know of my history?  I know a lot more than most people my age about my cultural history, but it's still not enough.

I don't want to lose people.  I don't want to lose history.  I want to know what it was like for people like me twenty years ago, fifty years ago, a hundred years ago.  I want to know my history.  I want to be able to share my history with those who come after me.

Unfortunately there are huge gaps for more reasons than just a lack of intergenerational friendships, but that's stuff I want to know too.  I remember sitting and listening to people talk about what it was like at the height of the AIDS crisis, to attend funeral after funeral, week after week.  I don't want to be shielded from those hard truths.  I want to know them.  I want to appreciate them.  I want to be aware of everything those before me have gone through.

I want to know my history.  I want to know your history.  I want to remember everything me and people like me go through.

And I want to remind you that things change.  I want to help you know that even though it seems like 'kids these days' don't care, they do.  They may care in a different way, but they still care.  We are redefining so much, the same way you did.  We are your heirs in more ways than one - we are like you.

Maybe that's why we frustrate each other, though.  Maybe our elders see themselves in us young people, and maybe us young people see people we may become in our elders - and in both directions, maybe it scares us a little bit.

But it shouldn't - it should be a good thing.  This is what community is, what it could be.

I don't want to be in a bubble of my own generation.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to be a part of a history and be aware of that fact, I don't want to pretend that everyone before me is useless and everyone after me is stupid.

Intergenerational friendships are vital to me, because they show me that I am a part of something.  They help me acknowledge the cyclical nature of cultures and histories.  They help me learn more about my cultural past.  They help me look forward to my cultural future.

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.