I've been thinking about what I said about airing dirty laundry and showing how we resolve things in relationships, and I think it's a valuable thing to do. So I'm going to do another post about it.
I'm going to talk about a recent thing, a only-a-couple-of-weeks-ago thing. It became a problem that we weren't playing.
See, things have been rough recently. A dear friend of mine had a huge problem and so I rushed to his rescue as much as I could. The boy has been working full time. My health has not been at its best. So of course, things slowed, and we hadn't been playing (or fucking, but I haven't been in the mood and the boy is on orgasm denial until further notice, so that's not as big of a deal).
I did my best to make it work. I tried to insert five minutes of play here and there, little bits and pieces to make sure we still had some playtime, even if it wasn't much.
Then we had a fight.
Now, when I say "fight", I should say, it doesn't look like most people's fights. When the boy and I fight, it's really more of a discussion. Not even a heated one. It seems to follow a formula.
The formula goes like this:
Person with problem (hence PWP): Hey [partner], I have a problem.
Other person (hence OP): Oh, really? What's wrong?
PWP: Well, I am having [this problem].
OP: Oh. That sucks.
PWP: Yes.
OP: Would you like to elaborate as much as you can on the problem, so I can understand it?
PWP: Yes, my problem is [longer explanation], and there are also these [details].
OP: Okay, let me see if I understand this problem. You are having this [problem, rephrased in OP's own words to express what OP has understood], as well as these [details, also rephrased in OP's own words]. Is that right?
PWP: Sort of, there are also [these issues that are related].
OP: Oh, I see! So there are also these [issues, that OP rephrases into what they understand]. Is that right?
PWP: Yes, that's about right.
OP: Well, [here is my take on this issue], and here are [the problems I am having with it]. Also I feel [this way] about this problem.
PWP: Yes, I feel [like this].
OP: All right, let's talk about how we can fix this. What do you need to resolve this problem?
PWP: I'm not sure, but I think [this] would help.
OP: All right, let's do [this]. Also I have [these suggestions].
PWP: Oh, I like [one of those suggestions]. Let's do that as well.
OP: All right! Also, I would feel better about all of this if [this concession] was made for me as well.
PWP: Yes, I think that's reasonable.
OP: Good! Is there anything else we need to figure out?
PWP: No, I feel that we have resolved this.
Obviously, when it is not a script on a page, it gets more complicated, and if it's a heavy issue there is often some crying. Sometimes I get angry, and I need to go for a brief walk before I am able to calm down and communicate about issues properly. Sometimes me or the boy is crying too hard, and needs to have a cry and a cuddle before we can communicate properly.
If you are familiar with the concept of 'fair fighting' in relationships, you might see a lot of similarities. This isn't because we intentionally try to follow the fair fighting 'rules'... it's just that this way of communicating works extremely fucking well.
So away from the script and back to the real life fight we had.
The boy needed more play. He said the little bits and pieces we were doing wasn't cutting it, and it felt like as soon as he got into it, we stopped.
I felt a little hurt by this, as I had been doing my best to make it all work.
So we talked the issue around in circles for a while, and for a while there it looked like there wasn't a solution. We've had that occur a few times in our fights and let me tell you, it is the scariest god damn feeling.
Anyway, part of the problem we discovered is that sometimes we have incompatible desires. Though we both have broad tastes, kink-wise, our favourite things do not tend to overlap. This can make getting into it difficult, as well as all the other problems (such as time and health etc).
So we worked out a compromise.
I committed to at least one half hour or longer block of solid play with him at least once a week. He also committed to trying some of my kinks that he's not into, but I'm not sure where that's going to go.
But about this commitment I made. I didn't want to make it, and the reason I'm telling you this is because there's something we don't talk about much in the sex positive world - sacrifice.
Now, admittedly, this isn't a big sacrifice. Oh no, I'll have to have loads of kinky fun with my boy, at least once a week? Terrible thing! But, I didn't want to commit to it - because doing so meant that I couldn't just go "oh I have a headache", it meant I couldn't not be in the mood all week, it meant... well, it meant a commitment. And commitment is scary.
I bring this up because this is a common problem in people's relationships. That of conflicting needs or desires, where someone might be required compromise.
I love my boy and I want us to work - and more importantly, I want us to be happy and fulfilled. And here's the important part when something like this comes up. You have to ask yourself: "Is my partner's happiness worth this?" "Is my relationship worth this?"
If it's a good relationship and your partner isn't asking much of you, there will be no hesitation in being able to say "yes, of course", and make the commitment, make the sacrifice, make the compromise.
We all need to get our needs met. But that goes for both people in the relationship. Not just them (making you codependent and unfulfilled) and not just you (making you selfish and leaving them unfulfilled). Both of you deserve to have your needs met and some of your wants met.
Also, to keep things in the relationship happy, I find that you can work compromise both ways - notice how above, I didn't just say I'd play with him once a week, but he also said he would try some things I'm into? If you feel you are sacrificing something, make sure you are getting something in return. If the relationship is good, it won't be difficult to work that out.
This turned into a very long post. But I really hope that you enjoyed it, and just maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
By the way, tomorrow is our three year anniversary. :)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tools and Problem Solving
A friend of mine was telling me about how not many people 'air their dirty laundry' about their relationships... this is of course people's right, but it has the side effect that no one has any examples of how to resolve issues in relationships. So I thought I would air a little dirty laundry here, and show you how we're fixing it.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Readiness
Being ready is a complicated issue.
No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.
In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."
Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.
That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.
But who pushes us?
In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.
So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?
I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.
Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.
I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.
I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.
For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.
But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.
I miss being new.
I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.
But it's time to accept something: I am not new.
I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.
This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.
I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.
But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.
But I am ready.
I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.
I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.
No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.
In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."
Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.
That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.
But who pushes us?
In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.
So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?
I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.
Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.
I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.
I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.
For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.
But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.
I miss being new.
I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.
But it's time to accept something: I am not new.
I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.
This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.
I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.
But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.
But I am ready.
I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.
I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tell Me That I Have What It Takes
Recently, via the wonderful "explore" feature on Google Reader, I stumbled across this fabulous post about struggle.
This is very, very related to D/s relationships.
When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.
In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.
However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.
Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.
So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?
This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?
Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.
So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.
I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.
I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?
Just like Albert, many of us have the potential to accomplish great things, and will willingly struggle against obstacles time and time again.
We struggle because we believe the journey is worth it.
We struggle because we want to improve ourselves.
We struggle because we know we have what it takes.
This is very, very related to D/s relationships.
When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.
In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.
However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.
Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.
So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?
This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?
Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.
So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.
I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.
I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Happy New Year :)
Welcome to 2010!
I don't really do resolutions, but if you do I wish you all the best with them :)
I look forward to being an even bigger pervert this year. More play, more variety in my play, workshops to run, people to meet, and loads of wonderful kinky sex to have. I want to get bigger this year, and I plan to do that.
In almost exactly a month, the boy and I will celebrate three years together. I'm looking forward to that :)
I don't really do resolutions, but if you do I wish you all the best with them :)
I look forward to being an even bigger pervert this year. More play, more variety in my play, workshops to run, people to meet, and loads of wonderful kinky sex to have. I want to get bigger this year, and I plan to do that.
In almost exactly a month, the boy and I will celebrate three years together. I'm looking forward to that :)
Monday, December 28, 2009
Building Family
As I've mentioned previously, I am New Leather and I am aware of this fact. Not only am I aware of it, but I see it as an opportunity.
This does NOT mean that I do not have a great deal of respect and fascination in Old Leather and its traditions and ways.
I've always believed that while we can learn from history's mistakes, we can also learn from its victories. History is neither good nor bad - we can use the information that now have, thanks to history, to build a better present and future. The AIDS crisis of the 70s and 80s has taught us that safer sex really is the best option, for example... but that doesn't mean that we all use condoms all the time. Sometimes, when we have examined the risks and made an informed decision, we do without condoms. We go bareback. And that's okay.
The problems that many perceive as "not taking traditions seriously" or "not caring about our history" is that many people don't examine history before doing things. They do not learn from the past's mistakes and victories. They think they have it figured out by themselves.
Now, sometimes this is true, and sometimes this attitude can build glorious new things. But this type of thinking is the type that leads to "condoms aren't necessary". Carelessness.
The other way can be awkward as well - thinking we MUST do things a certain way because of tradition does not work for everyone. These are the people who know they are both free of STDs and/or not at risk of pregnancy, and do not eroticize safer sex (as I do), but simply use a condom every time because that's what you do. It doesn't hurt anyone, but what if they might enjoy bareback sex? They might never know!
I like informed consent. I like it in all things - sexual, psychological, medical, everything.
I like it in history, too. I learn about our history, I learn about traditions, I learn about protocols and I learn as much as I can about the way people make things work... so that I can make an informed decision about whether that particular thing will work for me.
I am rambling, as I tend to do in this blog sometimes. I will come to the point.
In the last few years, I have been learning as much as I can about Leather and Leather families and households. Partially because I am a huge nerd and I enjoy learning about these things, partially because I have come to identify as a Leather man... but also partially because I feel that a Leather family, a connected tribe who interact with each other via not just talk and love and BDSM and/or sex, but also through protocols and hierarchies, is something that I am increasingly and unavoidably attracted to.
I feel drawn to build my own Leather family.
That is a bold admission. Many Leather families are not born or built, they are joined, or at best they grow slowly. This isn't mutually exclusive with what I am looking to do, it's just that I am being conscious, mindful of what I am slowly building. I am watering the seed in my soul and my life, so that it may grow.
The boy is firmly at my heels on this subject, he too feels the growing desire/need for family.
Now, here's the thing. The way most Leather families work, are built, etc... it's not that I think they're bad or anything, but as they stand, they don't work for me. I'm seeking something... different.
As I have mentioned before, much of who I am is influenced by martial arts. There is no reason that a family that I may be the head of (beneath the late "real" head, I'd say, which would be my Sensei) would not also be influenced by this. This isn't even that far away from the origins of Leather - much of its protocols and traditions are rooted in the military.
But I find myself flandering a little. Learning as much as possible, poaching from many traditions, families, cultures, ways... and incorporating it all into myself, who I am, what I seek, what I offer....
It's very complicated!
It also takes a very long time. This is something I've been thinking about for a year (at least) now, and I am not actually closer to it appearing yet. It is still gestating, a new form, a new life, a new chapter... laying dormant in my mind, waiting to be born.
It will happen. I am patient.
In the meantime, I know that one thing that absolutely WILL be passed to those involved with me is the way I learned how to kneel and bow. It's quite simple and not that different to how most people naturally do it, but it carries so much meaning for me that being able to pass that on is intensely powerful.
This does NOT mean that I do not have a great deal of respect and fascination in Old Leather and its traditions and ways.
I've always believed that while we can learn from history's mistakes, we can also learn from its victories. History is neither good nor bad - we can use the information that now have, thanks to history, to build a better present and future. The AIDS crisis of the 70s and 80s has taught us that safer sex really is the best option, for example... but that doesn't mean that we all use condoms all the time. Sometimes, when we have examined the risks and made an informed decision, we do without condoms. We go bareback. And that's okay.
The problems that many perceive as "not taking traditions seriously" or "not caring about our history" is that many people don't examine history before doing things. They do not learn from the past's mistakes and victories. They think they have it figured out by themselves.
Now, sometimes this is true, and sometimes this attitude can build glorious new things. But this type of thinking is the type that leads to "condoms aren't necessary". Carelessness.
The other way can be awkward as well - thinking we MUST do things a certain way because of tradition does not work for everyone. These are the people who know they are both free of STDs and/or not at risk of pregnancy, and do not eroticize safer sex (as I do), but simply use a condom every time because that's what you do. It doesn't hurt anyone, but what if they might enjoy bareback sex? They might never know!
I like informed consent. I like it in all things - sexual, psychological, medical, everything.
I like it in history, too. I learn about our history, I learn about traditions, I learn about protocols and I learn as much as I can about the way people make things work... so that I can make an informed decision about whether that particular thing will work for me.
I am rambling, as I tend to do in this blog sometimes. I will come to the point.
In the last few years, I have been learning as much as I can about Leather and Leather families and households. Partially because I am a huge nerd and I enjoy learning about these things, partially because I have come to identify as a Leather man... but also partially because I feel that a Leather family, a connected tribe who interact with each other via not just talk and love and BDSM and/or sex, but also through protocols and hierarchies, is something that I am increasingly and unavoidably attracted to.
I feel drawn to build my own Leather family.
That is a bold admission. Many Leather families are not born or built, they are joined, or at best they grow slowly. This isn't mutually exclusive with what I am looking to do, it's just that I am being conscious, mindful of what I am slowly building. I am watering the seed in my soul and my life, so that it may grow.
The boy is firmly at my heels on this subject, he too feels the growing desire/need for family.
Now, here's the thing. The way most Leather families work, are built, etc... it's not that I think they're bad or anything, but as they stand, they don't work for me. I'm seeking something... different.
As I have mentioned before, much of who I am is influenced by martial arts. There is no reason that a family that I may be the head of (beneath the late "real" head, I'd say, which would be my Sensei) would not also be influenced by this. This isn't even that far away from the origins of Leather - much of its protocols and traditions are rooted in the military.
But I find myself flandering a little. Learning as much as possible, poaching from many traditions, families, cultures, ways... and incorporating it all into myself, who I am, what I seek, what I offer....
It's very complicated!
It also takes a very long time. This is something I've been thinking about for a year (at least) now, and I am not actually closer to it appearing yet. It is still gestating, a new form, a new life, a new chapter... laying dormant in my mind, waiting to be born.
It will happen. I am patient.
In the meantime, I know that one thing that absolutely WILL be passed to those involved with me is the way I learned how to kneel and bow. It's quite simple and not that different to how most people naturally do it, but it carries so much meaning for me that being able to pass that on is intensely powerful.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Shifting the Dynamic
I think I need to stop promising what I'm going to write about in my next post, because I'm clearly setting a precedent of not doing it. So, new year's resolution - never promise what my next post will be on my blog :)
After the collaring, my boy and I specifically decided not to set up any protocols right away because we were attending Lee Harrington's Rituals for D/s workshop a week or so later. We didn't want to set anything up just in case the workshop was life changing. No one wants to have to say "You know that thing I told you to do a week ago? Yeah don't do that anymore, do this." Not in such a small time frame.
The workshop was wonderful, and while it wasn't particularly life changing it did give me a few things to think about. If nothing else it reminded me of some very basic, very important things, for example, it is better to have ten rules implemented and enforced than four hundred rules that even the Dominant forgets about.
So far, we don't have any rituals or protocol that have been specifically introduced since the collaring. We have a few little rituals that are very casual and not formal - but these rituals have been there for a long time and have more to do with them growing organically rather than being implemented.
For example, the boy always asks me before he comes. I didn't ask him to start doing that, he started doing it of his own accord - and it has now become such a ritual that if he comes without asking or comes before I say he can, he gets in trouble. (Not the kind of trouble that involves punishment, but I feel pretty confident in saying that if I tell him he's a bad boy, he'll feel bad enough from that alone.) Although I admit we have both been so busy the last couple of months I did give him permission a while ago that he could come whenever he likes when we're apart.
To get off subject here a little and talk about that for a moment, orgasm control is one of my boy's biggest kinks. So I imagine he misses being told he can't come on his own, and I'll be revoking that privilege at some point in the near future. I know he gets very wriggly and happy when my words control whether or not he comes, and I imagine a lack of that is probably a little boring for him.
That's a hard thing to deal with, as a Sir. As much as I am in control, sometimes life gets in the way of what we love to do, as I'm sure you know. Parents, kids, work, school, moving house, all kinds of things. For us, recently my life has been very stressful as I'm reorganizing my living arrangements, and I had some interstate visitors, and I've been quite sick... anyway, the point is, life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes you need to dial D/s back a bit. And that's hard for me, not just because I love the control (don't get me wrong, I do) but because the boy loves the control, and I love the boy. I want him to feel that his needs are being met in this relationship, I want him to be having a good time, I want him to be happy.
A happy boy makes for a happier dynamic. So it's very hard for me to dial down things I know make my boy happy, no matter how necessary that dialing down is.
D/s is a feedback loop. We both need to be getting what we need out of the relationship for it to work. If my dominance is making him feel happy and at peace, then he is getting what he needs out of it to be a good boy, and when he is a good boy and serves me well, I feel happy and at peace. It's a big circle of goodness.
Anyway, to get back onto the initial subject of rituals, one thing that I have implemented is a bed time.
See, the boy has a habit of bumming around on the computer until it's quite late. This is not very useful for someone who works fulltime. He frequently does not get enough sleep and is often complaining about being tired, even on the weekends, because he does not care for his sleep schedule. Left to his own devices, he used to only sleep six hours a night! For my boy, this is not enough (of course how much sleep is good for us varies from person to person). The boy needs at least eight hours sleep every night for him not to be always tired.
So I implemented a bed time. I asked him what time he has to get up in the morning, and then I counted back. I seem to recall that ideally he'd be going to bed at 10:30 (I think that was because it would give him a half hour either of extra sleep, or a half hour of between-waking-and-sleeping time so he still got a full eight hours), however I realized quickly that would be impractical for him. So I set his bedtime for 11pm. He has to be IN BED and trying to sleep by 11, every work night. He can't start getting ready for bed at eleven. He has to be in bed by then.
The boy does not have insomnia, or any other sleep problems. He is just lazy about caring for his sleep. He gets into bed and falls right to sleep - which has been a source of mild, amused annoyance for me as I do suffer from insomnia and have to struggle constantly to keep my sleeping schedule functional.
Anyway, I am getting off topic again (clearly I am feeling wordy today, perhaps to make up for all the blog entries I've missed making over the last few weeks).
The last couple of nights, the boy has been half an hour later for bed time on one night, and five minutes later for bed time on another. Now here's where us D-types sometimes get stuck - what do I do about that?
It's easy to say "punish him!", but what does that mean? Punishment is a very tricky subject in D/s relationships. In scenes, punishment can be for fun or not, it doesn't matter. But in D/s... 'funishment' (that is, play that is presented as punishment) is not going to discourage an action.
But my boy is a pansy (this is not an insult, it simply means he is a beautiful, delicate flower). Pain (sudden or sharp) would certainly be a punishment, but does the punishment fit the crime? Is being late to bed really worth a beating, or ten strokes of the cane?
I don't think so.
So coming up with a punishment that fits the crime can be difficult. It has to be something not too bad, because he didn't disobey too badly (and there was no intent to disobey, which is important). It has to fit the person in question, and can be neither too lenient nor too strict.
It also has to not have associations set up elsewhere. My first thought was to make him spend his lost time (35 minutes) sorting rice grains, until I remembered that he uses a similar exercise to practice focus and meditation. I do not want him to consider focus and meditation a punishment! And I do not want him to think that his punishment is fun, either!
So, I thought about withdrawing affection and touch for 35 minutes. Certainly quite mean to my boy, who is very touch-focussed, but tolerable. However, how do you implement that? I considered corner time, however I quickly realized that being near him and not letting him touch me is something we do in play. It is a way I can tease him - so it immediately becomes a bad punishment, because it is something we do for fun.
But I followed the train of thought over to the cage. As you know, the boy loves the cage. He loves sleeping in it, he loves being it.
Suddenly I had a thought.
If I remove all the blankets and cushions from the cage, it becomes just that little bit uncomfortable. If I do not let the boy have any stimulation while he is in there, it also becomes that little bit more uncomfortable.
To put the boy in the cage in that way, for 35 minutes, one of two things will happen:
1) He will get bored. If this is the case, I think it's a suitable punishment.
2) He will go to sleep. If this is the case, he will be catching up on the sleep he was otherwise missing out on.
A win-win situation! Both of these options are a good consequence for missing bedtime.
So that is how this particular dominant goes about selecting a punishment. As you can see, it's a lot harder than most submissives think. :)
After the collaring, my boy and I specifically decided not to set up any protocols right away because we were attending Lee Harrington's Rituals for D/s workshop a week or so later. We didn't want to set anything up just in case the workshop was life changing. No one wants to have to say "You know that thing I told you to do a week ago? Yeah don't do that anymore, do this." Not in such a small time frame.
The workshop was wonderful, and while it wasn't particularly life changing it did give me a few things to think about. If nothing else it reminded me of some very basic, very important things, for example, it is better to have ten rules implemented and enforced than four hundred rules that even the Dominant forgets about.
So far, we don't have any rituals or protocol that have been specifically introduced since the collaring. We have a few little rituals that are very casual and not formal - but these rituals have been there for a long time and have more to do with them growing organically rather than being implemented.
For example, the boy always asks me before he comes. I didn't ask him to start doing that, he started doing it of his own accord - and it has now become such a ritual that if he comes without asking or comes before I say he can, he gets in trouble. (Not the kind of trouble that involves punishment, but I feel pretty confident in saying that if I tell him he's a bad boy, he'll feel bad enough from that alone.) Although I admit we have both been so busy the last couple of months I did give him permission a while ago that he could come whenever he likes when we're apart.
To get off subject here a little and talk about that for a moment, orgasm control is one of my boy's biggest kinks. So I imagine he misses being told he can't come on his own, and I'll be revoking that privilege at some point in the near future. I know he gets very wriggly and happy when my words control whether or not he comes, and I imagine a lack of that is probably a little boring for him.
That's a hard thing to deal with, as a Sir. As much as I am in control, sometimes life gets in the way of what we love to do, as I'm sure you know. Parents, kids, work, school, moving house, all kinds of things. For us, recently my life has been very stressful as I'm reorganizing my living arrangements, and I had some interstate visitors, and I've been quite sick... anyway, the point is, life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes you need to dial D/s back a bit. And that's hard for me, not just because I love the control (don't get me wrong, I do) but because the boy loves the control, and I love the boy. I want him to feel that his needs are being met in this relationship, I want him to be having a good time, I want him to be happy.
A happy boy makes for a happier dynamic. So it's very hard for me to dial down things I know make my boy happy, no matter how necessary that dialing down is.
D/s is a feedback loop. We both need to be getting what we need out of the relationship for it to work. If my dominance is making him feel happy and at peace, then he is getting what he needs out of it to be a good boy, and when he is a good boy and serves me well, I feel happy and at peace. It's a big circle of goodness.
Anyway, to get back onto the initial subject of rituals, one thing that I have implemented is a bed time.
See, the boy has a habit of bumming around on the computer until it's quite late. This is not very useful for someone who works fulltime. He frequently does not get enough sleep and is often complaining about being tired, even on the weekends, because he does not care for his sleep schedule. Left to his own devices, he used to only sleep six hours a night! For my boy, this is not enough (of course how much sleep is good for us varies from person to person). The boy needs at least eight hours sleep every night for him not to be always tired.
So I implemented a bed time. I asked him what time he has to get up in the morning, and then I counted back. I seem to recall that ideally he'd be going to bed at 10:30 (I think that was because it would give him a half hour either of extra sleep, or a half hour of between-waking-and-sleeping time so he still got a full eight hours), however I realized quickly that would be impractical for him. So I set his bedtime for 11pm. He has to be IN BED and trying to sleep by 11, every work night. He can't start getting ready for bed at eleven. He has to be in bed by then.
The boy does not have insomnia, or any other sleep problems. He is just lazy about caring for his sleep. He gets into bed and falls right to sleep - which has been a source of mild, amused annoyance for me as I do suffer from insomnia and have to struggle constantly to keep my sleeping schedule functional.
Anyway, I am getting off topic again (clearly I am feeling wordy today, perhaps to make up for all the blog entries I've missed making over the last few weeks).
The last couple of nights, the boy has been half an hour later for bed time on one night, and five minutes later for bed time on another. Now here's where us D-types sometimes get stuck - what do I do about that?
It's easy to say "punish him!", but what does that mean? Punishment is a very tricky subject in D/s relationships. In scenes, punishment can be for fun or not, it doesn't matter. But in D/s... 'funishment' (that is, play that is presented as punishment) is not going to discourage an action.
But my boy is a pansy (this is not an insult, it simply means he is a beautiful, delicate flower). Pain (sudden or sharp) would certainly be a punishment, but does the punishment fit the crime? Is being late to bed really worth a beating, or ten strokes of the cane?
I don't think so.
So coming up with a punishment that fits the crime can be difficult. It has to be something not too bad, because he didn't disobey too badly (and there was no intent to disobey, which is important). It has to fit the person in question, and can be neither too lenient nor too strict.
It also has to not have associations set up elsewhere. My first thought was to make him spend his lost time (35 minutes) sorting rice grains, until I remembered that he uses a similar exercise to practice focus and meditation. I do not want him to consider focus and meditation a punishment! And I do not want him to think that his punishment is fun, either!
So, I thought about withdrawing affection and touch for 35 minutes. Certainly quite mean to my boy, who is very touch-focussed, but tolerable. However, how do you implement that? I considered corner time, however I quickly realized that being near him and not letting him touch me is something we do in play. It is a way I can tease him - so it immediately becomes a bad punishment, because it is something we do for fun.
But I followed the train of thought over to the cage. As you know, the boy loves the cage. He loves sleeping in it, he loves being it.
Suddenly I had a thought.
If I remove all the blankets and cushions from the cage, it becomes just that little bit uncomfortable. If I do not let the boy have any stimulation while he is in there, it also becomes that little bit more uncomfortable.
To put the boy in the cage in that way, for 35 minutes, one of two things will happen:
1) He will get bored. If this is the case, I think it's a suitable punishment.
2) He will go to sleep. If this is the case, he will be catching up on the sleep he was otherwise missing out on.
A win-win situation! Both of these options are a good consequence for missing bedtime.
So that is how this particular dominant goes about selecting a punishment. As you can see, it's a lot harder than most submissives think. :)
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Collaring
On December 6, I officially collared my boy.
We've been D/s for a long time, so not much has changed... but the little that has means a lot to me, and will make me feel more secure and comfortable in our relationship.
We had a very casual ceremony at one of the local kink events, with many of our friends to witness it. It was a little awkward at first, I told the story of how we met and why we decided to change from vanilla boyfriends to Daddy and boy, and that we didn't plan the ceremony at all.
Oh, we spent hours talking and planning and thinking out the ceremony... but in the end, we decided that we have planned little else in our relationship, perhaps it would be best if we just improvised our ceremony as well.
We exchanged some words, talked about what this meant for us, and then I collared him. Honestly it was a little awkward and might have been better if we had planned it, but several of our friends were quite teary-eyed afterwards so it couldn't have been as bad as I had thought :)
My boy and I hugged and our friends applauded. Then my "best man" (a dear friend of mine whose job it was to hold the collar until I needed it and make sure I couldn't run away, as I am a bit of a commitment-phobe) bought me drink, and then we all stayed to play and have a good night out.
I played with the boy a couple of times, nothing too different or anything - I am saving rituals for a later point, which I am sure I will write about then - however he did start crying as I was flogging him, and he took a little while to recover from it. He's not very good at accessing his own emotions but I suspect he touched briefly up against a level of subspace that he is not familiar with.
It was good crying, though, and the fact that he did not safeword and it was my decision to stop and care for him bodes well for our future relationship.
It was a very small affair, and I can't say that I feel that different afterwards, or even that our relationship is any different now, but that is hardly the point. The point is that there is no wiggle room in this relationship any more. We are Daddy and boy, that is who we are, and we never have to stumble over our words when people ask, ever again.
We've been D/s for a long time, so not much has changed... but the little that has means a lot to me, and will make me feel more secure and comfortable in our relationship.
We had a very casual ceremony at one of the local kink events, with many of our friends to witness it. It was a little awkward at first, I told the story of how we met and why we decided to change from vanilla boyfriends to Daddy and boy, and that we didn't plan the ceremony at all.
Oh, we spent hours talking and planning and thinking out the ceremony... but in the end, we decided that we have planned little else in our relationship, perhaps it would be best if we just improvised our ceremony as well.
We exchanged some words, talked about what this meant for us, and then I collared him. Honestly it was a little awkward and might have been better if we had planned it, but several of our friends were quite teary-eyed afterwards so it couldn't have been as bad as I had thought :)
My boy and I hugged and our friends applauded. Then my "best man" (a dear friend of mine whose job it was to hold the collar until I needed it and make sure I couldn't run away, as I am a bit of a commitment-phobe) bought me drink, and then we all stayed to play and have a good night out.
I played with the boy a couple of times, nothing too different or anything - I am saving rituals for a later point, which I am sure I will write about then - however he did start crying as I was flogging him, and he took a little while to recover from it. He's not very good at accessing his own emotions but I suspect he touched briefly up against a level of subspace that he is not familiar with.
It was good crying, though, and the fact that he did not safeword and it was my decision to stop and care for him bodes well for our future relationship.
It was a very small affair, and I can't say that I feel that different afterwards, or even that our relationship is any different now, but that is hardly the point. The point is that there is no wiggle room in this relationship any more. We are Daddy and boy, that is who we are, and we never have to stumble over our words when people ask, ever again.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Almost Collaring
In a few hours, I will be officially collaring my boy. I am very excited and nervous. I will write about it probably tomorrow. :)
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