At a local event on Sunday night, the boy and I were out for eight hours. I'm quite fucked now, unsurprisingly.
It was a really excellent night. We pooled money together with a couple of other people and bought two people at the slave auction, who we tied next to each other and four of us went around them beating them up a lot. It was amazing, and they totally won the masochistic lottery... having at two people beating on you at any given time, sometimes three? Winners all round. Both of them are total pain sluts too so we could go really hard on them which was a lot of fun. It's been so long since I had that much fun doing impact play - I've been a little off impact play the last year or so, it hasn't been worth the effort, but last night was totally awesome.
Then I tied up and suspended this gorgeous girl and it was one of the most enjoyable amazing suspensions I've ever done, we had this amazing chemistry. When I was initially tying her up she would lean back into me, and when she was up and I put my hand on hers to see if her hands needed to be untied (checking the temperature), she grabbed hold of my hand and entwined her fingers in mine. And at the end she kind of puddled against me on the floor and we cuddled for a little while.
I feel energized from it all, I think perhaps I haven't been getting enough BDSM in my life recently, which is a little odd considering I live D/s. But it can be very easy to let things slide a little, and considering my libido has been extremely high recently, probably not that weird that I've needed bigger doses than usual.
Sorry this entry isn't more interesting - I'm still recovering!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Snippet
Boy: I need to get out of bed.
Myself: I can help you, if you want.
Boy: I don't like it when you help.
I tickled him until he got out of bed. :)
Myself: I can help you, if you want.
Boy: I don't like it when you help.
I tickled him until he got out of bed. :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Marking Territory
Let's talk about something much, much more fun.
Recently I gave my boy orders that once he has used up his current supplies, he is only to use scent-free deoderants, shower gels, aftershaves etc. My reasoning for this is that I'm rather like a dog - smell is extremely important to how I perceive the world.
And what do dogs do? That's right, they piss on things so that they're theirs. A dog can smell their own scent on something and know that it belongs to them.
Now, I'm not actually going to piss on the boy. Firstly, neither of us get particularly excited about watersports, secondly, I don't particularly like the smell of piss, and thirdly, it would be awkward sending him off into the world always smelling of piss.
But I'm still going to mark him with a scent. I'm either going to buy, or more likely I'm going to make, some kind of cologne/perfume. Then when I see him, I'm going to spray him with it. That way he'll smell good, and every time I smell his good-smelling-goodness, I will be reminded that he is mine, and he is wearing that scent for me.
The only hard part is actually picking a scent. I'm quite partial to things that smell like baking, or things that make me want to eat them, so I've been tossing up between vanilla or artificial strawberry. That way there's either delicious irony, or strawberry lollipops. Although it has been suggested to use both, which I might do, which may well end in the boy smelling like strawberry cupcakes.
I'll keep you updated. :)
Recently I gave my boy orders that once he has used up his current supplies, he is only to use scent-free deoderants, shower gels, aftershaves etc. My reasoning for this is that I'm rather like a dog - smell is extremely important to how I perceive the world.
And what do dogs do? That's right, they piss on things so that they're theirs. A dog can smell their own scent on something and know that it belongs to them.
Now, I'm not actually going to piss on the boy. Firstly, neither of us get particularly excited about watersports, secondly, I don't particularly like the smell of piss, and thirdly, it would be awkward sending him off into the world always smelling of piss.
But I'm still going to mark him with a scent. I'm either going to buy, or more likely I'm going to make, some kind of cologne/perfume. Then when I see him, I'm going to spray him with it. That way he'll smell good, and every time I smell his good-smelling-goodness, I will be reminded that he is mine, and he is wearing that scent for me.
The only hard part is actually picking a scent. I'm quite partial to things that smell like baking, or things that make me want to eat them, so I've been tossing up between vanilla or artificial strawberry. That way there's either delicious irony, or strawberry lollipops. Although it has been suggested to use both, which I might do, which may well end in the boy smelling like strawberry cupcakes.
I'll keep you updated. :)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Life and Death
BDSM is dangerous, squeals the media.
BDSM is safe, squeals the kinksters.
The truth is that both are correct.
Last night, after performing suspension totally safely and without any hiccups for years, I had my first emergency.
It was nothing I did wrong. Everything went fine, until the bottom became overstimulated, perhaps a little motion-sick, and had an endorphin dump, and became nauseous, light-headed and dizzy.
When this happened, everything continued to go fine, in the sense that it was under control. A couple of wonderful bystanders helped hold the bottom while I cut the ropes and we lowered her to the floor. We cut the ropes off her, checked her responses, let her slowly recover before giving her some water and a cookie.
Fortunately, she was fine. All that was damaged was the rope I had to cut. But it reminds you, doesn't it?
There are risks to what we do. Sometimes, even if everyone involved does everything right, things go wrong. When they do, it's best to know what the hell you're doing... and also to know when you're over your head and need to call an ambulance.
In a sense, I'm grateful for last night, because it reminded me that I am paranoid about safety for a reason. My paranoia has almost certainly helped me avoid being the type of dominant that has frequent emergencies. And it also reminded me that there are risks to what we do... and that sometimes even if you do everything right, things might go wrong, so you had better be prepared.
BDSM is safe, squeals the kinksters.
The truth is that both are correct.
Last night, after performing suspension totally safely and without any hiccups for years, I had my first emergency.
It was nothing I did wrong. Everything went fine, until the bottom became overstimulated, perhaps a little motion-sick, and had an endorphin dump, and became nauseous, light-headed and dizzy.
When this happened, everything continued to go fine, in the sense that it was under control. A couple of wonderful bystanders helped hold the bottom while I cut the ropes and we lowered her to the floor. We cut the ropes off her, checked her responses, let her slowly recover before giving her some water and a cookie.
Fortunately, she was fine. All that was damaged was the rope I had to cut. But it reminds you, doesn't it?
There are risks to what we do. Sometimes, even if everyone involved does everything right, things go wrong. When they do, it's best to know what the hell you're doing... and also to know when you're over your head and need to call an ambulance.
In a sense, I'm grateful for last night, because it reminded me that I am paranoid about safety for a reason. My paranoia has almost certainly helped me avoid being the type of dominant that has frequent emergencies. And it also reminded me that there are risks to what we do... and that sometimes even if you do everything right, things might go wrong, so you had better be prepared.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Build it and they will come doesn't always work.
I'm excited about an upcoming exclusive play party. It's being held at a very large, very awesome venue, later on this month. I've been trying to convince everyone eligible to come that they should, because it will be a great experience.
Whenever I try to convince friends to come to things I enjoy, the inevitable question is raised:
"Will there be any other queers there?"
At which point I need to shuffle awkwardly, say "Well I'll be there, and my boy, and I'm sure there will be at least a couple of others too..."
Queers (at least the type that people mean when they ask if queers will be there) aren't very common in the pansexual kink scene here in Melbourne. Sure, there's a handful of us who are at every event, but in the bigger picture... most of the kinky queers either stay in the dyke scene or the gay scene. The exceptions being, of course, bisexual & pansexual folk (who are often not welcome in the dyke/gay scene) and some transfolk (though many transfolk stay in the dyke/gay scene anyway... usually whichever one their assigned birth gender matches, unfortunately, because trans politics has a long way to go in the world).
And of course the question of "will queers be there" means "I only want to go if there are other queers".
Which is awkward. Because if queers aren't there, queers won't go, and if queers won't go, queers won't be there.
You can see the problem with this.
I really do wish that queers could handle the idea of trying out the pansexual scene, even just a couple of times, without worrying too hard that "it's full of straight people". Just come out and have fun. Bring a friend, that way you won't be alone with the scary heterosexuals.
I do understand the desire to be with other queers. I have it, too. But sometimes it's worth venturing outside the ghetto. You never know what you might find.
Whenever I try to convince friends to come to things I enjoy, the inevitable question is raised:
"Will there be any other queers there?"
At which point I need to shuffle awkwardly, say "Well I'll be there, and my boy, and I'm sure there will be at least a couple of others too..."
Queers (at least the type that people mean when they ask if queers will be there) aren't very common in the pansexual kink scene here in Melbourne. Sure, there's a handful of us who are at every event, but in the bigger picture... most of the kinky queers either stay in the dyke scene or the gay scene. The exceptions being, of course, bisexual & pansexual folk (who are often not welcome in the dyke/gay scene) and some transfolk (though many transfolk stay in the dyke/gay scene anyway... usually whichever one their assigned birth gender matches, unfortunately, because trans politics has a long way to go in the world).
And of course the question of "will queers be there" means "I only want to go if there are other queers".
Which is awkward. Because if queers aren't there, queers won't go, and if queers won't go, queers won't be there.
You can see the problem with this.
I really do wish that queers could handle the idea of trying out the pansexual scene, even just a couple of times, without worrying too hard that "it's full of straight people". Just come out and have fun. Bring a friend, that way you won't be alone with the scary heterosexuals.
I do understand the desire to be with other queers. I have it, too. But sometimes it's worth venturing outside the ghetto. You never know what you might find.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Rope
I am a rope top. I flag grey on the left whenever I am flagging.
I am spiritually, emotionally, psychologically connected to everything I do. Rope is not unusual in that capacity.
But with rope...
Rope feels like the serpent swallowing its tail. Rope is the red string between lovers' pinkie fingers. Rope is strength and ugliness and beauty and it's a gladiator pacing in their cage as the crowd screams for blood.
Rope is an extension of me. Rope flows from me in ways that I cannot describe, ways that people do not believe until they see.
People see me when I use rope. They watch my hands and my face and they feel everything that is happening. People talk to me about my rope work more than anything else. People ask about my rope work more than anything else.
People ask to be beneath my rope, in my rope, between my rope... more than anything else.
Rope is my martial art, the one that has replaced karate.
Rope flows from my feet and my chest, rope gives me control over every situation. Rope is hard, soft.
There was a beautiful moment once, when I was to bind a submissive, and I had the choice between handcuffs or rope. After a moment's consideration, I chose the rope, because I knew it would be faster.
Rather than mess with buckles and keepers that are so delicate and precise, I throw my rope. Two seconds, bound arms behind the back. Safe, secure, and with more precision than I could ever wield a buckle.
I know my rope.
Tomorrow I have a suspension. Tonight I went over my rope, laid it out, ran my hands over it. Checked each and every part of it, so that it's ready for tomorrow.
I know my rope as intimately as my own body.
I know every piece. I know how long it is, just by looking at it, even in a messed up pile on the floor. I know how old it is, and who treated it, just by touching it. I know which pieces are are safe for suspension, and which pieces can only be used for simpler ties. I even know which piece was used on every body it has ever touched, whose body it was, where the rope lay.
I own a lot of very high quality rope. My rope collection alone runs my toybag value to about $900 Australian. I have amassed it over time, ever since I was eighteen years old.
I often wish I had less expensive tastes. My tastes run to hemp. There is nothing 'better' about hemp, or jute, or cotton, or nylon, or any type of rope. It is all about preference, and what speaks to you. I still remember picking up my first piece of hemp. It was love at first touch, and I knew nothing else would ever compare.
I still have my first piece of rope that was bought purely for bondage. I often wear it as a belt, keeping it with me at all times, so that I am always prepared. It is not hemp, it is a nylon rope, bright red in colour, ten meters long. I keep it braided in such a way that should I need to use it, I pull one of the 'threads' and it comes undone in a flash.
Rope is my soul.
I am spiritually, emotionally, psychologically connected to everything I do. Rope is not unusual in that capacity.
But with rope...
Rope feels like the serpent swallowing its tail. Rope is the red string between lovers' pinkie fingers. Rope is strength and ugliness and beauty and it's a gladiator pacing in their cage as the crowd screams for blood.
Rope is an extension of me. Rope flows from me in ways that I cannot describe, ways that people do not believe until they see.
People see me when I use rope. They watch my hands and my face and they feel everything that is happening. People talk to me about my rope work more than anything else. People ask about my rope work more than anything else.
People ask to be beneath my rope, in my rope, between my rope... more than anything else.
Rope is my martial art, the one that has replaced karate.
Rope flows from my feet and my chest, rope gives me control over every situation. Rope is hard, soft.
There was a beautiful moment once, when I was to bind a submissive, and I had the choice between handcuffs or rope. After a moment's consideration, I chose the rope, because I knew it would be faster.
Rather than mess with buckles and keepers that are so delicate and precise, I throw my rope. Two seconds, bound arms behind the back. Safe, secure, and with more precision than I could ever wield a buckle.
I know my rope.
Tomorrow I have a suspension. Tonight I went over my rope, laid it out, ran my hands over it. Checked each and every part of it, so that it's ready for tomorrow.
I know my rope as intimately as my own body.
I know every piece. I know how long it is, just by looking at it, even in a messed up pile on the floor. I know how old it is, and who treated it, just by touching it. I know which pieces are are safe for suspension, and which pieces can only be used for simpler ties. I even know which piece was used on every body it has ever touched, whose body it was, where the rope lay.
I own a lot of very high quality rope. My rope collection alone runs my toybag value to about $900 Australian. I have amassed it over time, ever since I was eighteen years old.
I often wish I had less expensive tastes. My tastes run to hemp. There is nothing 'better' about hemp, or jute, or cotton, or nylon, or any type of rope. It is all about preference, and what speaks to you. I still remember picking up my first piece of hemp. It was love at first touch, and I knew nothing else would ever compare.
I still have my first piece of rope that was bought purely for bondage. I often wear it as a belt, keeping it with me at all times, so that I am always prepared. It is not hemp, it is a nylon rope, bright red in colour, ten meters long. I keep it braided in such a way that should I need to use it, I pull one of the 'threads' and it comes undone in a flash.
Rope is my soul.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More Problem Solving
I've been thinking about what I said about airing dirty laundry and showing how we resolve things in relationships, and I think it's a valuable thing to do. So I'm going to do another post about it.
I'm going to talk about a recent thing, a only-a-couple-of-weeks-ago thing. It became a problem that we weren't playing.
See, things have been rough recently. A dear friend of mine had a huge problem and so I rushed to his rescue as much as I could. The boy has been working full time. My health has not been at its best. So of course, things slowed, and we hadn't been playing (or fucking, but I haven't been in the mood and the boy is on orgasm denial until further notice, so that's not as big of a deal).
I did my best to make it work. I tried to insert five minutes of play here and there, little bits and pieces to make sure we still had some playtime, even if it wasn't much.
Then we had a fight.
Now, when I say "fight", I should say, it doesn't look like most people's fights. When the boy and I fight, it's really more of a discussion. Not even a heated one. It seems to follow a formula.
The formula goes like this:
Person with problem (hence PWP): Hey [partner], I have a problem.
Other person (hence OP): Oh, really? What's wrong?
PWP: Well, I am having [this problem].
OP: Oh. That sucks.
PWP: Yes.
OP: Would you like to elaborate as much as you can on the problem, so I can understand it?
PWP: Yes, my problem is [longer explanation], and there are also these [details].
OP: Okay, let me see if I understand this problem. You are having this [problem, rephrased in OP's own words to express what OP has understood], as well as these [details, also rephrased in OP's own words]. Is that right?
PWP: Sort of, there are also [these issues that are related].
OP: Oh, I see! So there are also these [issues, that OP rephrases into what they understand]. Is that right?
PWP: Yes, that's about right.
OP: Well, [here is my take on this issue], and here are [the problems I am having with it]. Also I feel [this way] about this problem.
PWP: Yes, I feel [like this].
OP: All right, let's talk about how we can fix this. What do you need to resolve this problem?
PWP: I'm not sure, but I think [this] would help.
OP: All right, let's do [this]. Also I have [these suggestions].
PWP: Oh, I like [one of those suggestions]. Let's do that as well.
OP: All right! Also, I would feel better about all of this if [this concession] was made for me as well.
PWP: Yes, I think that's reasonable.
OP: Good! Is there anything else we need to figure out?
PWP: No, I feel that we have resolved this.
Obviously, when it is not a script on a page, it gets more complicated, and if it's a heavy issue there is often some crying. Sometimes I get angry, and I need to go for a brief walk before I am able to calm down and communicate about issues properly. Sometimes me or the boy is crying too hard, and needs to have a cry and a cuddle before we can communicate properly.
If you are familiar with the concept of 'fair fighting' in relationships, you might see a lot of similarities. This isn't because we intentionally try to follow the fair fighting 'rules'... it's just that this way of communicating works extremely fucking well.
So away from the script and back to the real life fight we had.
The boy needed more play. He said the little bits and pieces we were doing wasn't cutting it, and it felt like as soon as he got into it, we stopped.
I felt a little hurt by this, as I had been doing my best to make it all work.
So we talked the issue around in circles for a while, and for a while there it looked like there wasn't a solution. We've had that occur a few times in our fights and let me tell you, it is the scariest god damn feeling.
Anyway, part of the problem we discovered is that sometimes we have incompatible desires. Though we both have broad tastes, kink-wise, our favourite things do not tend to overlap. This can make getting into it difficult, as well as all the other problems (such as time and health etc).
So we worked out a compromise.
I committed to at least one half hour or longer block of solid play with him at least once a week. He also committed to trying some of my kinks that he's not into, but I'm not sure where that's going to go.
But about this commitment I made. I didn't want to make it, and the reason I'm telling you this is because there's something we don't talk about much in the sex positive world - sacrifice.
Now, admittedly, this isn't a big sacrifice. Oh no, I'll have to have loads of kinky fun with my boy, at least once a week? Terrible thing! But, I didn't want to commit to it - because doing so meant that I couldn't just go "oh I have a headache", it meant I couldn't not be in the mood all week, it meant... well, it meant a commitment. And commitment is scary.
I bring this up because this is a common problem in people's relationships. That of conflicting needs or desires, where someone might be required compromise.
I love my boy and I want us to work - and more importantly, I want us to be happy and fulfilled. And here's the important part when something like this comes up. You have to ask yourself: "Is my partner's happiness worth this?" "Is my relationship worth this?"
If it's a good relationship and your partner isn't asking much of you, there will be no hesitation in being able to say "yes, of course", and make the commitment, make the sacrifice, make the compromise.
We all need to get our needs met. But that goes for both people in the relationship. Not just them (making you codependent and unfulfilled) and not just you (making you selfish and leaving them unfulfilled). Both of you deserve to have your needs met and some of your wants met.
Also, to keep things in the relationship happy, I find that you can work compromise both ways - notice how above, I didn't just say I'd play with him once a week, but he also said he would try some things I'm into? If you feel you are sacrificing something, make sure you are getting something in return. If the relationship is good, it won't be difficult to work that out.
This turned into a very long post. But I really hope that you enjoyed it, and just maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
By the way, tomorrow is our three year anniversary. :)
I'm going to talk about a recent thing, a only-a-couple-of-weeks-ago thing. It became a problem that we weren't playing.
See, things have been rough recently. A dear friend of mine had a huge problem and so I rushed to his rescue as much as I could. The boy has been working full time. My health has not been at its best. So of course, things slowed, and we hadn't been playing (or fucking, but I haven't been in the mood and the boy is on orgasm denial until further notice, so that's not as big of a deal).
I did my best to make it work. I tried to insert five minutes of play here and there, little bits and pieces to make sure we still had some playtime, even if it wasn't much.
Then we had a fight.
Now, when I say "fight", I should say, it doesn't look like most people's fights. When the boy and I fight, it's really more of a discussion. Not even a heated one. It seems to follow a formula.
The formula goes like this:
Person with problem (hence PWP): Hey [partner], I have a problem.
Other person (hence OP): Oh, really? What's wrong?
PWP: Well, I am having [this problem].
OP: Oh. That sucks.
PWP: Yes.
OP: Would you like to elaborate as much as you can on the problem, so I can understand it?
PWP: Yes, my problem is [longer explanation], and there are also these [details].
OP: Okay, let me see if I understand this problem. You are having this [problem, rephrased in OP's own words to express what OP has understood], as well as these [details, also rephrased in OP's own words]. Is that right?
PWP: Sort of, there are also [these issues that are related].
OP: Oh, I see! So there are also these [issues, that OP rephrases into what they understand]. Is that right?
PWP: Yes, that's about right.
OP: Well, [here is my take on this issue], and here are [the problems I am having with it]. Also I feel [this way] about this problem.
PWP: Yes, I feel [like this].
OP: All right, let's talk about how we can fix this. What do you need to resolve this problem?
PWP: I'm not sure, but I think [this] would help.
OP: All right, let's do [this]. Also I have [these suggestions].
PWP: Oh, I like [one of those suggestions]. Let's do that as well.
OP: All right! Also, I would feel better about all of this if [this concession] was made for me as well.
PWP: Yes, I think that's reasonable.
OP: Good! Is there anything else we need to figure out?
PWP: No, I feel that we have resolved this.
Obviously, when it is not a script on a page, it gets more complicated, and if it's a heavy issue there is often some crying. Sometimes I get angry, and I need to go for a brief walk before I am able to calm down and communicate about issues properly. Sometimes me or the boy is crying too hard, and needs to have a cry and a cuddle before we can communicate properly.
If you are familiar with the concept of 'fair fighting' in relationships, you might see a lot of similarities. This isn't because we intentionally try to follow the fair fighting 'rules'... it's just that this way of communicating works extremely fucking well.
So away from the script and back to the real life fight we had.
The boy needed more play. He said the little bits and pieces we were doing wasn't cutting it, and it felt like as soon as he got into it, we stopped.
I felt a little hurt by this, as I had been doing my best to make it all work.
So we talked the issue around in circles for a while, and for a while there it looked like there wasn't a solution. We've had that occur a few times in our fights and let me tell you, it is the scariest god damn feeling.
Anyway, part of the problem we discovered is that sometimes we have incompatible desires. Though we both have broad tastes, kink-wise, our favourite things do not tend to overlap. This can make getting into it difficult, as well as all the other problems (such as time and health etc).
So we worked out a compromise.
I committed to at least one half hour or longer block of solid play with him at least once a week. He also committed to trying some of my kinks that he's not into, but I'm not sure where that's going to go.
But about this commitment I made. I didn't want to make it, and the reason I'm telling you this is because there's something we don't talk about much in the sex positive world - sacrifice.
Now, admittedly, this isn't a big sacrifice. Oh no, I'll have to have loads of kinky fun with my boy, at least once a week? Terrible thing! But, I didn't want to commit to it - because doing so meant that I couldn't just go "oh I have a headache", it meant I couldn't not be in the mood all week, it meant... well, it meant a commitment. And commitment is scary.
I bring this up because this is a common problem in people's relationships. That of conflicting needs or desires, where someone might be required compromise.
I love my boy and I want us to work - and more importantly, I want us to be happy and fulfilled. And here's the important part when something like this comes up. You have to ask yourself: "Is my partner's happiness worth this?" "Is my relationship worth this?"
If it's a good relationship and your partner isn't asking much of you, there will be no hesitation in being able to say "yes, of course", and make the commitment, make the sacrifice, make the compromise.
We all need to get our needs met. But that goes for both people in the relationship. Not just them (making you codependent and unfulfilled) and not just you (making you selfish and leaving them unfulfilled). Both of you deserve to have your needs met and some of your wants met.
Also, to keep things in the relationship happy, I find that you can work compromise both ways - notice how above, I didn't just say I'd play with him once a week, but he also said he would try some things I'm into? If you feel you are sacrificing something, make sure you are getting something in return. If the relationship is good, it won't be difficult to work that out.
This turned into a very long post. But I really hope that you enjoyed it, and just maybe it will help you in your own relationships.
By the way, tomorrow is our three year anniversary. :)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tools and Problem Solving
A friend of mine was telling me about how not many people 'air their dirty laundry' about their relationships... this is of course people's right, but it has the side effect that no one has any examples of how to resolve issues in relationships. So I thought I would air a little dirty laundry here, and show you how we're fixing it.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
So, things have been a little rough for me over the last couple of weeks. I've been a little lax with my duties as Daddy to my boy, not just in what I can do for him but also in enforcing things he is to do. I find it against my ethics to enforce duties from him when I am unable to perform my own.
Part of the problem is that I've been stressed and a little scatterbrained. So I can't necessarily remember things I've told him to do, I can't think straight enough to make it all work. Now in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to remember, as he'd just do them - but that's not how D/s relationships work in real life. As a top you have to be aware of your bottom's movements, you have to be aware whether or not they're following their instructions, and you have to be aware of how it affects them. Not because you don't trust them, but because if you cannot enforce your own rules, the structure of the relationship falls apart.
Yesterday we discussed this problem. We found that if the problem is that I can't observe and remember details of his actions, we need a way of keeping record of these things that doesn't tax my brain too much.
My boy lives in a sharehouse, and they use http://www.chorewars.com to keep track of everyone's housework. You can use it for things other than housework, and it's an ideal combination of to do list and record keeping for things like tasks and rituals. They have another server so people can have more than one account if necessary.
So! I wandered over to http://www.worldofchorecraft.com and started up an account.
Not only can I write down tasks and my boy can claim them as he does them, but I can also add chance encounters (yes, it's a little nerdy, but stick with me here!). You can choose a percent chance of running into a monster. You can also specify a percent chance of treasure found if you defeat the monster. The treasure can be anything you like, so I've put in some treasures that are nice rewards.
For example, my boy must write a blog post once a week. So I made a blog post task, with a 20% chance of a monster. If he encounters and defeats the monster, there's a 5% chance that he'll find a treasure. The treasures I've listed are things like, one home cooked meal by partner, one kinky activity by partner... that sort of thing. Little rewards that can be used like vouchers.
Not only is it a record keeping tool, but it's an incentive to get things done - but because you can specify chances of these things, rewards aren't going to occur so often that they lose their feeling of "yay, this is special!".
Plus, I'm feeling more comfortable setting tasks and rituals for the boy, now that I know I can keep track of them - and he can as well.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Readiness
Being ready is a complicated issue.
No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.
In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."
Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.
That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.
But who pushes us?
In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.
So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?
I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.
Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.
I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.
I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.
For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.
But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.
I miss being new.
I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.
But it's time to accept something: I am not new.
I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.
This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.
I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.
But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.
But I am ready.
I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.
I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.
No matter what it's about, it's always hard to know when we are ready. If we are lucky, we can rely on the people around us to know when we are ready, because we are often bad at knowing it ourselves.
In karate, my Sensei used to tell me, "You are ready when I say you are ready."
Unfortunately due to his passing, I don't have anyone to tell me that any more.
That can be very hard as a Dominant. We have to be aware of so much, be knowledgeable about so much, be considerate of so much... we have to know our submissives inside and out, we have to be able to tell them when they are ready, we have to know when it is time to push them.
But who pushes us?
In an ideal world, our mentors push us. I do not have a Leather mentor. There are several Leather people I look up to, however our relationship is that of friends. My mentor, my perfect mentor and dominant, I found him and he died.
So who hits my leg with a stick when I am ready, if my Sensei is not around to do it?
I have to try and know it myself... I also have to be aware of the world around me and keep an eye out for signals that may let me know.
Tonight I had a very good talk with the boy about readiness, and about where my head is at.
I have been struggling with a lot of things recently, especially to do with Leather and family and rituals and protocols and whether or not I am worthy, whether or not I am ready.
I've been a total nerd for all things BDSM, Leather, and alternative sexuality since I was 14, when I first got the internet. I am now 24.
For ten years, I have been enthusiastically devouring information and applying it to my own life.
But there comes a time when the learning slows. It doesn't stop, because we never stop learning. But it slows. Easily accessible information that you don't already know begins to dry up. You have to look harder, and the things you find take longer to sink in, take longer to comprehend.
I miss being new.
I LIKE being new. I still think of myself as a total newbie when it comes to Leather and BDSM and all the wonderful parts of this world. I love being new, because the world is shiny and exciting and there is so much to learn.
But it's time to accept something: I am not new.
I'm no old timer, don't get me wrong. I'm not a community elder. But I'm not a newbie, either. I am in the middle.
This is a good thing and I need to not be afraid of it.
I also need to accept that there is no thing that is going to ping and answer my concerns about the present. I have reached a point where I must make decisions without relying on input, ideas, or inspiration from others.
But I am not ready! cries my subconscious.
But I am ready.
I need to suck it up and get over it. I am ready, I am a part of this, I am a Sir and I have the power and responsibility to make these decisions.
I am terrified. But that's okay. Fortunately, readiness is not mutually exclusive with fear.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tell Me That I Have What It Takes
Recently, via the wonderful "explore" feature on Google Reader, I stumbled across this fabulous post about struggle.
This is very, very related to D/s relationships.
When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.
In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.
However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.
Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.
So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?
This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?
Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.
So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.
I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.
I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?
Just like Albert, many of us have the potential to accomplish great things, and will willingly struggle against obstacles time and time again.
We struggle because we believe the journey is worth it.
We struggle because we want to improve ourselves.
We struggle because we know we have what it takes.
This is very, very related to D/s relationships.
When I was younger, I very a much stricter, sterner dominant than I am now. I believed very much in brutal honesty and tough love. I do still believe in these things, however in my growing up I've come to learn the value of gentleness and care alongside these things.
In learning the value of care and gentleness, I have strayed a little from tough love. This isn't a bad thing, it was a phase I had to go through. I had to learn by doing for an extended period of time.
However, recently I've been noticing my boy surprising me with what he can do, or is willing to do, or is interested in, or desires. I find myself surprised because I have built this idea in my head that he is a delicate flower (I lovingly call him my pansy) and that I must be gentle with him at all times. And I got a little wrapped up in that.
Now, this isn't so great for us, especially as one of the things my boy has constantly told me over the years that he loves the most about me is that I challenge him, I ask him the hard questions and I push him to do better.
So why on Earth have I lowered my expectations of him? It's ridiculous! I know he is tremendously capable of great things, why don't I expect it of him?
This is an example of complacency in a relationship. Not the usual type - the type where people discuss the weather and have the same kind of sex every week. But it's the same idea - I got comfortable. Why expend that extra energy when we are happy the way we are?
Well I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. It *can* be, and sometimes relationships need to have some stable time where nothing is pushed and nothing changes. But I think the boy is craving some challenge and I am failing to deliver.
So, I need to work on that. I need to not be complacent. I need to not treat my boy like a priceless ming vase that will shatter if I breathe on it. I need to push him and challenge him and prove to him that he has what it takes.
I also need to keep this in mind this year with my girl - we have been very relaxed about things as she has had a VERY rough few months, but now that things are settling down, I need to remember what she told me when we were first discussing D/s - that she needs stimulation, and needs challenge. I need to show her that she, too, has what it takes.
I push and challenge myself to show that I have what it takes all the time. Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to those in my care?
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