March Q&A

So my life right now is incredibly stressful and incredibly not-kinky-enough so I don't have much I want to blog about.

I've been spending a lot of my spare time reading other blogs (speaking of which I really need to update my blogroll, eesh) and apparently a thing that a lot of kink bloggers do every March is have a free for all Q&A sort of thing.

So!  If there's something you're dying to know about me, my lifestyle, my Leather family, my blog, or anything else Leather or BDSM related I guess, drop a question or two in a comment here on this post and I'll answer it in another post later in the month.  :)

Erotic Hypnosis

Hey, I'm actually going to talk about play!  I bet you forgot that I actually do that sometimes.  ;P

So, boy has always had an interest in hypnosis.  It's not been something I'm particularly into, but the easiest way to give me a kink is to show me someone who has it.  I'm easily converted.  (Seriously, I went to a workshop on a topic that was a soft limit for me and came out desperate to start doing it.  I'm that easily converted.)

Anyway.  We went to a workshop on erotic hypnosis a couple of years ago now, and I learned a lot.  But we never got around to playing with it for a lot of reasons, the main one I think being that I just wasn't ready yet.

But we've been talking and I've been reading and researching and so we are getting ready to give it a go.  We did a small session tonight, just a sort of pick me up scene for me to test the induction process I'd come up with for him to see how it worked and see how we felt and all that sort of thing.

It went well.  I need to make some changes to the induction (for starters I need to make it twice as long) but it was a good start.

I do start getting a bit lost with what to do WITH hypnosis though, you know?  Boy already does whatever I tell him to do.  And I'm already a big fan of conditioning and use that.  Hypnosis, from what I can tell, is basically just a combination of those things.

But!  I am not one to sneeze at a new kink to play with.  Plus I have talked with boy about his fantasies about hypnosis and some of them are realistic, so we will have a go.

I'll let you know if I get any fun results.  :)

Generic Update

Nothing of particular importance to blog about right now, so some general "here's what's going on" sort of updates.

Boy and I are well.  I've noticed I've been talking about him less on this blog, and I'd like to reassure you that that's not a cause for concern. We've been together long enough now that there's not many surprises, and day to day stuff is just puttering along quite well.

He's very busy and so am I lately, and that's another reason there isn't much to talk about.  We're trying to get our shit together to make moving house in a month or two easier.

Things with pet are going well also.  We have been looking over our relationship and where it goes from here, and I am starting to put some thought into the practical aspects of moving from D/s to M/s, as that's a step we're looking to take fairly soon.  "Soon" in this case means anywhere from three months to a year - we don't have an exact timeline right now and that suits me fine.  We will talk about a firm timeline once a few headaches are out of the way - such as aforementioned me and boy moving house.

Since the move to M/s will include a lot of big changes, it needs a lot of thinking about and preparation.  I will be taking full responsibility for pet, including her living situation (she'll move in with boy and me), her money, her lifestyle, everything.  As it stands, I have the OPTION of enforcing control on many aspects of her life that I simply choose not to, but because it is optional it is not a responsibility.  Since moving to M/s involves shifting a lot of things from being allowed to control something to being responsible to control everything, that requires a lot of careful thought and preparation from me.

There's a lot of talk on the internet about preparing for slavery from the bottom side of the equation - being ready to give up on freedoms in things you like as well as the ones you don't, for example - but there's not enough talk about the preparations for the Master, when it comes to Ms.

Planning living arrangements for your slave - where will they sleep, what will they eat, basic things like that.  Planning financial arrangements for your slave - do they get pocket money, where do you allocate their resources for the good of the slave and the household, making sure there's an "escape fund" put aside for them, things like that.  Planning lifestyle arrangements for your slave - handling their study or career, their chores around the house, their social calendar.  Planning healthcare for your slave - making sure you're familiar and knowledgeable about their medical conditions and what they entail, planning health insurance (if you're unfortunate enough to live in America or another country without universal healthcare).

The thing is, one of the attractions of slavery is not having to worry about these things.  The slave can trust their Master to take care of them.  But that means, as a Master, that you need to be prepared to do that.

Mastery is paperwork.  More paperwork than you'd think.

So that's what I've been doing when it comes to pet, recently.  Thinking about the paperwork.  :)

I also have an interesting meeting coming soon with someone I may be taking on as a protege.  That's in a bit less than a week.  I'll keep you updated.

So things are good for me at the moment.  Busy and hectic and a little bit stressful, and not kinky enough, but good.  :)

Family Names

Names are pretty powerful things.  They're secular magic, as my boy likes to say.

There's always been a running joke that the house I live in is called "Erinland".  It's been that way through a couple of houses now for a few years.  It's interesting to me because I never named it, even though it's named after me - other people named it and to other people it has a certain quality about it.  "Erinland", in the eyes of my friends, means a place where you can be free to be a little bit freaky and experience fun and joyous things that you might not be able to elsewhere.  That?  That makes me very happy.  That I can offer that space is amazing in itself, but that it's been named after me is actually kind of an honour, even if I do groan about it at times because, let's face it, it does sound a bit silly.

Recently, my little group (myself, boy, pet) have been referred to as "Erin's family" or "Erinkyan's family".  This probably shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does.

I've written before about my inner drive to build a family.  So what is happening now is both incredible and stressful.  On one hand, I am finding myself forming a family as easily as star dust forms planets.  Slowly, but organically.  But on the other hand, that makes me acutely aware of the things I'd rather not be organic.

Like names.

I'm not sure how I feel about my name being the modifier that marks someone as my family, but at the same time it's very natural that it's happening that way.  If you know a vanilla family you probably call their house the Smith House or what have you.  It's incredibly normal.

But it feels... off.  Not bad as such.  Just... not quite right.

But the fact is that if I'm going to change it then I need to do it soon and I need to figure out some things.

Not just what name to unite us under, but also what that name involves.  What it means.  Who gets to wear it.

I have a lot to think about.  I've been thinking about this stuff for years and years already, but we are now exiting theory-land and entering reality.  Which actually, now that I think about it, means I have less to think about and more acting to do.

Dom Frenzy

A friend of mine is currently going through sub frenzy.  We had a chat about it and where it comes from and how to deal with it, and I mentioned that doms go through the same thing although no one seems to talk about that.  She went researching (as we nerds do when we want to understand something) but couldn't find much about dom frenzy, and asked if I had any recommendations.

I don't.  I've never seen anything written about dom frenzy.  I'm sure some exists out there in the quiet areas of the internet, but I haven't seen it.

So I'm writing a post about it.

Dom frenzy is a mental state a dominant can fall into where they want more, they want it all, NOW.  They want full control.  They want a slave.  They want a stable of slaves!  They want to live like a roman emperor!   They want to tear you apart and put you back together.  They want to play three times a day.  They want to do edge play, even if they're new!  They want to take on complete control and responsibility regardless of whether that's something they can handle.

Like all mental states it looks different on different people.  A monogamous person probably doesn't want a stable of slaves, but they might want their slave to be under their thumb as often as possible, all day, all week, all year, no matter what kind of career their submissive has!  A poly dominant might literally want a stable of slaves and not care too much about their personal compatibility with each one, as long as they have lots of them.  A dominant interested in edge play might go piercing or cutting things they don't know enough about to pierce and cut, because sheer hubris and desire makes them believe they can do it.

Sub frenzy and dom frenzy are similar in the basic ways - from both sides of the coin, it's about wanting MORE, and wanting it NOW.  It's about being vulnerable to making bad decisions based on your desire.

The problem with dom frenzy (just like the problem with sub frenzy) is that people get stupid.  They think they can do things that they can't.  They think they want to own a slave but they don't actually want the responsibility for owning a slave.  They want to spend all their time with their submissive and play as much as possible, possibly leaving friendships (and even work) by the wayside.  They do risky play that they've had no training in.

Dom frenzy can let you fuck up your relationships and your submissive(s).

So how do you tell if you're in a frenzy?

Like everything in kink, a good self awareness is the best starting point.  Know what you're like when you're rational and sensible and then check in with yourself every so often to make sure you're still being that.

Are you thinking about kink more than usual?  Are you fantasizing more than usual?  Do you find yourself wanting a level of D/s you've not previously desired?  Do you want to do more types of play that you've not previously had an interest in?  Do you want types of relationships you've not previously wanted?  Do you find yourself unable to focus on things that aren't kink?  Do you find yourself drifting off and daydreaming about it more than usual?

You might be in a frenzy.

Now in case it's not obvious, all of these things can also just be normal growth experiences.  Actually, I'd almost go so far as to say that most states of frenzy are natural growth spurts.

So please don't think that frenzy = completely irrational things that you don't actually want.  Because that's not the case at all.  The problem with frenzy isn't that it makes you desire new things, it's that you can get over excited and carried away with trying to get them.

So here's some tips on how to deal with frenzy:

First of all, remember frenzy in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  It's a growth spurt.  You're hitting kink puberty, you're being flooded with all these feelings and desires you didn't really notice before.

Be patient.  Your blood is telling you to go and get all the new things NOW NOW NOW.  You don't need them now now now.  You can wait.  Trust me, all those things you want to do or have?  They'll still be there when you get to them.  Don't go running into things head first, that's a good way to fuck things up.  Take it slow.

You can, however, start looking into these new things that interest you.  Developed an interest in Master/slave relationships?  Read books, read blogs, join a MAsT chapter in your area, meet folks who are in M/s relationships.  Got an interest in edge play?  Ask around and meet the edge players in your local area and ask them questions and pick their brains.  They'll probably be happy to share information with you.  Whatever new thing has caught your interest, don't assume that you're not really into it just because you're feeling frenzied.  Go and research it.  Meet people who do it.  Ask questions, watch scenes, let it sink in.

Communicate all your frenzy feelings to the people around you.  They probably understand, and talking it out will help you make sure you don't lose your shit.  Letting people know where you're at also helps hold you accountable for your actions.

Think about things carefully.  Before, after, during.  Keep a good awareness of your own mental state at all times.  Be analytical, even when you don't want to be.

If you're like me, all of the above is well and good but how do you deal with the blood pumping NOW NOW NOW feelings when they happen?  Being responsible is all well and good but how do you deal with frenzy when it's itching under your skin and you can't sit still?

*  Watch porn.  Whatever fantasies you have, watch porn of them.  If you're more of an interactive person, roleplay online.  Join ShangrilaMUSH or Second Life, or go into chat rooms for cybersex, or something like that, and get it all out on there.

*  Do more of the stuff you can already do.  Play more if it's reasonable, using techniques and toys you're already familiar with.  If you're in a D/s relationship and you have certain privileges with your submissive built into your contract, use them.  Take a small thing and make it a big deal - maybe instead of your submissive just making you coffee in the morning, maybe they have to present it to you on their knees for a few days.

*  Spend time on forums and networking sites with people like you.  Join fetlife groups for the stuff that's interesting you and read all the discussions.  Read collarme or recon personals (although probably don't respond to any unless you've thought about it for a week).

However you deal with it, you'll be okay.  Just try to be as clear headed as you can be and don't rush into anything, and you'll be just fine.  And honestly?  Enjoy the frenzy as much as you can.  There's something to be said for the intoxication of desire.  :)

Why I Care for My Own Leathers

It's pretty common in Leather circles to have your submissive/slave/etc take care of your leathers for you.

For my boots, I like this.  I like my subs caring for my boots.  It's a service they can give me that I value greatly.  It's a skill that I can be proud of them for.  It's something they enjoy doing, as I'm sure it's a potent thing to help you "feel" submissive to work over your Dominant's boots.  And if I am wearing the boots so much the better, a good boot black scene is a delicious morsel that should be savoured.

But my vest, I care for myself.

My vest is a very important piece of clothing for me, as you know if you're a long time reader.  I bought it for myself as a promise that I would constantly strive to be the best I can be.  Every time I put it on I ask myself if I am worthy of wearing it.  If the answer to that question is no, it stays off until the answer is yes.  My vest is very personal.  It's a part of who I am and who I can be.

Because of that, it would feel wrong to have someone else care for my vest.  My taking care of it is as much a part of the package deal as anything else.  If I don't have the inclination to love and look after my vest, then I don't deserve to wear it.

Aside from all that though, I enjoy looking after my vest.  It's relaxing, it's calming, it's a good labour with a satisfying end.

Negotiation Tips: Give Examples

A quick note, this post is about D/s relationship negotiation, not BDSM play negotiation.  There are similarities between the two of course but at their core they are quite fundamentally different.

Pet and I have been doing LOTS of negotiating over the time we've been together, not just at our re-evaluation times every three to six months, but just in the day to day when we talk hypothetically about the future.  And I've been talking about it with a lot of people who express interest in knowing how we do it.  Negotiation is one of those things in WIITWD that everyone says we should do, but no one really tells you how to do it.  There are checklists and so on and so forth but those only get you so far.

After talking with a few people about negotiation and communication and making sure you're understood and all that, I thought I'd offer up this tip.  First of all though, this isn't the be all to end all about relationship negotiation, I don't have the energy right now to write up a post in great detail of how we do it, but this is something that might help if you've had trouble making yourself understood or understanding your partner.

Give examples.

Lots of them.  Not just one or two.

Don't worry about "going too far".  Because this is a negotiation.  It's not set in stone.  You're not laying down the law at this point, you are discussing options.  You're offering what you do and don't want, and then they offer what they do and don't want in return, based on your wants and not-wants.  That's negotiating.  Examples are hugely useful for this.

Don't just say, "I want to control your eating habits".  Explain what that might look like.  Tell them you want to be able to specify how often they eat, what they eat, what they're not allowed to eat.  Tell them you don't want to be asked about every meal though.  Maybe you only want it when you're around.  Or maybe you do want it all the time, maybe you want to construct some kind of schedule meal plan for them.  They might ask, do they get time off from your plan?  Do they get exceptions?  Can they eat a chocolate if they've been good?  Do they get to have x number of cups of coffee every day without asking?

Don't just say, "no body modification".  Think about and explore what that means.  Okay it means no tattoos, what about piercings?  Probably not.  But what about hair colour?  What about clothing?  That's modifying presentation.  Are those okay?

Don't just say, "I want to mark you as my property".  Marking with what?  Words?  Symbols?  Pictures?  In what medium?  Tattoos?  Piercings?  A collar?  Branding?  Sharpie-on-skin?

Don't just say, "I want you to respect me as your dominant".  Jeez.  What does respect mean?  What does it look like?  Respect might just be a feeling, are you okay with your sub just feeling it and not expressing it?  Do you want them to show you respect by worshipping you every day?  Bringing you coffee?  Sitting at your feet?  Never interrupting?  What does "respect" look like, to you?  What does it look like to them?

The reason examples become so useful is that talking theoretically will only get you so far.  You can talk about an idea and it sounds great to everyone, but everyone might have different ideas of what it looks like.

For example (heh):

Pet and I originally had a protocol that if she was around me, she would have to ask before drinking or smoking.  When she was on her own it was her decision.  Something that changed this most recent negotiation is that that no longer applies.  She now has to ask every time if she can drink alcohol or smoke.  When we discussed this, she said, how do I ask?  I said, send me a text.  And to pre-empt her next question, I added, if you don't get a reply, assume "no".  She was concerned, what if she's in vanilla company and someone offers her a drink, and she can't exactly say "oh hold on, I need to text Sir and ask"?  I replied, then she can say "Oh, I'm not sure," or "I'll think about it", and then quietly text me.  She was satisfied with that answer.

Without that example, she might have been floundering a bit should that situation actually come up.

We had a conversation when we were discussing, can she play with other people without permission?  My stance on it was, she can play, but she can't submit.  She submits only to me.  And that threw her a bit, and we had to define what "submission" meant to us.  For me, it's as simple as - if she's playing for her, then that's fine.  If she's doing it because she's told to do it by someone who isn't me, that's not fine.

I'm running out of brain juice for this entry (stupid brainfog, stupid chronic illness) but I hope that's given people some ideas, if you've had communication issues around D/s previously.  :)

Power Trip

The little thrills of power intoxication have started.  Just little ones.  Pet and I aren't far enough into this for me to get drunk on power just yet, but there are the small moments that warm my belly.

When I look at her septum piercing.  Knowing; I did that.  I chose it, I paid for it, I made the decisions about the jewellery and the location and the piercer.  That ring is mine.  That hole in her body is mine.  She wears it because it pleases me and she won't remove it without permission. She cannot hide it; it marks her as something outside the norm and that's now inescapable.  My presence on her body is inescapable.

Even when she is at home my control is slipping into her life, not just her body.  She emails me every night to let me know she's done her chores and she's going to bed (so I know she's going to bed on time).

I get that email and I feel warm.  She is doing as she is told, and she is keeping me informed.  She is conscious of me.  I am boring my way into her mind, becoming an inescapable presence in her actions and thoughts as well as her body.  I am the all seeing eye.

She now has to do ten minutes of kitchen housework daily even when she is not at my house.  Knowing she is doing housework, even if she's not at my house, because I have told her to, is good.  Housework isn't much fun at the best of times, and her doing housework at her house does not have an obvious benefit for me.  Obviously there are plenty of indirect benefits but that's not the point of this post.  Bottom line, she is doing it because I told her to do it.  That makes me feel warm.

She is obeying.  Her obedience is the tangible expression of my control.

Big Update

Hello, hello!  Happy new year!

I had meant to do a big round up of 2012 before it ended but, well, as you can see, I didn't get around to it.  I have a lot to update you on, so I figure it's time for a nice generic What's Been Happening sort of blog post.

Pet and I had our renegotiation on January 4th.  Rather than explicitly state our next renegotiation is in six months, in six months we'll discuss whether we want to renegotiate or simply extend the period for another six months.

Not a huge amount changed, it was more that a lot of areas were simplified.  I now control much more of her life than I did previously, but she still has complete freedom in some areas (such as her money and her sexual life).  It's all in a good place that I feel good about, and I am enjoying this level of control while maintaining a level of irresponsibility.  It's a sweet spot :)  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the deeper slavery type stuff eventually, but just because there's a goal doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride an awful lot.

One thing that did change was that I now have complete control of her physical presentation, barring tattoos.  It'll take some time before that effect will really be obvious (since I am not made of money and can't afford to just replace all her clothes in one fell swoop) but I did want to mark the occasion with something special so I took her to Piercing HQ, a kinkster owned piercing studio here in Melbourne, and I got her a septum piercing with a ring for the jewellery.

I'm not sure why, but septum rings have always appealed to me as a submissive piercing.  *shrugs*!

I don't think people understand just how boring the negotiation process is - especially when it's run by me, and I'm terribly anal retentive and love paperwork a whole lot.

I mean we literally spend hours going over limits and boundaries and what powers I do and don't have.  My limits and boundaries too, by the way, not just hers.  We talk about potential issues and how they should be resolved.  We talk about rules and protocols and punishments.  For most people, it's an incredibly boring session of talking about boring things.

But I feel good when I have these talks.  It lays everything out so there are no surprises.  It lowers the chances of drama.

And I don't mind taking so long with these things.  Pet and I are working towards a lifetime commitment.  I see no reason why we shouldn't be taking it as slowly and carefully as possible.

The other big thing that happened was the solidifying of our hierarchy.  Boy and pet had their own negotiation that I facilitated and also took part in, to work out their own thing.  As it stands now, they also have a slight power exchange relationship.  Boy wants to exercise his domination muscles and learn to be a better dominant and having the opportunity to learn by doing with me and pet is a good one for him.  So that is now also a part of our lives.

We will see how that pans out.  If it goes well, that gives me hope for our family as it grows together and also as it may expand.  Boy is a very special part of my life and it is good for me to have him by my side, and if that can continue through my relationships so much the better.

There is another new thing I feel is worth blogging about.  We are certainly a Leather family of the 21st century, as we have started a household wiki!  It's fairly common for Leather and D/s households to have manuals, but being the products of our generation as we are, we've gone high tech and are utilizing wiki software for ours.  It's a good move, actually, it lets our manual have branches and structure that is much harder to do in a linear manual.

In short, things are good.  Busy, but good.  I could talk in more detail about all of these issues but I'm tired and a little out of practise blogging.  Perhaps it will come in future posts.  :)

Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.