Sometimes It's Us Who Changes

You know how sometimes your life brings you a lot of little 'ping!' enlightenment type moments all along the same time?  I've been having a bit of that recently, especially in regards to running a household.  One I'd like to talk about today is a strange prejudice I didn't know I had until I came up against it and resolved it.

Boy is very dedicated to his service, but he overestimates his abilities and he forgets things a lot due to health issues.  I've been at my wits' end for months now, I have tried so many different techniques over the years of making it easier for him to keep up to date with his duties, and none of them have stuck.

Recently I changed something, and instantly we are doing better.

I changed which one of us had to change.

Instead of me trying to change boy's behaviour to improve his service, I changed mine.

Instead of giving him to do list apps on his phone or adding or taking away punishments or positive reinforcements, or any of the other millions of things I've tried over the years - I changed the system thus:  I add his tasks to my to do list on my phone, usually phrased like "remind boy to mow the lawn".  Now, when I look at my phone and see there is a task that boy's duties dictate he does, I see it and simply tell him to do it and then he does.

It's such a simple solution I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I think the reason I didn't is because of a prejudice I found lurking at the bottom of my psyche.  I felt that the submissive should be the one to change in order to fit what the Dominant requires, rather than the other way around.

When I say it 'out loud' like that, it sounds ridiculous.  Because it is ridiculous.

Any relationship requires compromise on both sides.  This is something I'm very good with in most ways, but somehow it had escaped me in regards to his inability to remember his tasks etc.

But this is what a Dominant should do.  A good Dominant takes stock of a situation and makes it work.  It's my job to make sure my subs do the things they're told to do and behave the way they're told to behave.  Sometimes that just requires me telling them to do so, yes - but sometimes it takes me going a little bit further and making sure of it.

It's my job to run things.  It's my job to make things work.  Sometimes that means changing my own patterns or behaviours.

Freeing Up Time

Once again, I've been awfully busy.  I seem to have accidentally become a spoken word performer, and I'm working on three pieces to get done in the next month or so.  I also recently just performed this past week.

One of the great things about having pet and boy in my life is that they free up my time.  They make it possible for me to take on creative projects.  If I didn't have them taking care of the day to day bits and pieces like cleaning and phone calls and things like that, I wouldn't have the time or energy to do much of anything interesting, because all my energy would be spent on just living life.

It makes it possible for me to accomplish more.  Their support is vital to everything I do.  Without them I wouldn't be able to do nearly as many things as I do, and certainly not with as much care I like to take in my work.

We work together as a little unit, to improve our lives.  We use our strengths to strengthen the unit as a whole and ease the struggle on each other's weaknesses.

The house runs smoothly these days, I must say.  Everything is pulling together in such a way that all of us live well and don't get over-exhausted purely by the stress of living life.  It's a really wonderful thing and I can only see it getting better as time goes on.

Dominants are Working Dogs Too, It Seems

Or at least this one is.

My month-long absence from blogging has unfortunately been because I got very sick.  My face decided that infections are pokemons and I got tonsilitis, a sinus infection, two ear infections, and a throat infection, all at the same time.  So I spent about three weeks doing nothing but lying on the couch, groaning like a zombie, and taking some hefty antibiotics.

It was interesting to watch the house fall apart while I was sick.

It wasn't total chaos, not by any stretch.  Boy and pet both have their duties to do regardless of my health, so that stuff generally stayed getting done.  It was the things that I usually do that were left hanging - things like organizing dinner, making sure everyone kept themselves up to standard, organizing social occasions, keeping track of and organizing the finances, and just general... organization.  The house was without a manager for a few weeks.

It was enlightening!

I frequently struggle with feelings of slacking - I frequently feel that my duties as a dominant are not doing as much service for my family as everyone says they are.  I feel like I just laze about while my submissives do all the work, and that's not the sort of dominant I'm interested in being.

But apparently, I do a great deal!  It was interesting to watch a certain degree of floundering, but more importantly I noticed how many things that didn't bother them at all were flying right by them, even though they needed addressing.

It was actually good, despite the sickness - I've now come to a better understanding of my worth and position.  A house needs a head, a group needs a boss.  That position is one of responsibility and while I've always known that and never shirked away from responsibility, I didn't notice just how much had come to fall on me.  I have a better appreciation for myself now.

Submissives Are Working Dogs

DISCLAIMER:  Just a reminder, any post about anything that's making broad sweeping generalizations should be taken with a grain of salt.  When I'm talking about trends, I am not trying to talk about EVERY D/s relationship or EVERY submissive or EVERY dominant or anything like that.  I'm literally just talking about trends I've noticed.  Please don't ever assume that I think that anything I say applies to everyone!

This is something I've been thinking about for a few months now.

I've been observing D/s relationships and having my own for about ten years now.  And one of the biggest disharmony-sowers in D/s relationships (aside from abuse, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) that I have observed in that time can be summed up with the silly phrase, "submissives are working dogs - they need to be worked".

Obviously I am not trying to dehumanize submissives here - they're not actual dogs (unless they are :P) nor should they be treated as less than human (unless they want to be :P).

I don't know if you know much about dogs, dear reader, but there are certain breeds that you just can't have as pets unless you're willing to put a lot of work into keeping them occupied.  Any working dog - cattle dogs, kelpies, australian shepherds, types like that - needs to be worked.  If they're not worked, they get twitchy and neurotic, and very unhappy.

Submissives are frequently similar.

I've seen a lot of disharmony in D/s relationships where a submissive isn't given enough to do.  They're not given tasks, they're not given chores, the dominant's expectations of the submissive are minimal at best.  And the submissive pines - they pine for a challenge, for something to occupy them.  They pine for that feeling of value, that feeling that says "I am a useful part of my dominant's life".

This isn't a purely submissive thing, by the way.  It's a human thing.  We all crave challenge and novelty.  We all crave validation of our worth.  We all want to know that we have "what it takes", whatever that might be.  We want to know that we're valuable, that we're useful, that we contribute.  We want to know that our existence makes a difference.

It's just that submissives have a helpful direction to point that desire - towards their dominant.

Now obviously how much work is "enough" work is the thing that varies from submissive to submissive.  For some, getting their dominant a glass of water before bed is enough to feel valuable.  For others, they need a daily schedule in place that is tightly controlled.

To get off the theory and into reality?  This is something that's been somewhat amusing for me over the last few weeks.

Pet now has a schedule of chores she is to do when she is at my house.  When we first put it into place, she was feeling a little apprehension - suddenly there were expectations where there were none before.  But a few days in and she was smiling all the time.

She gets a very good sense of accomplishment when she finishes her daily tasks.  It makes her feel happy and tired and content.  But importantly, it makes her feel useful.  She gets upset if she's not well enough to do her chores that day.

At the moment she is in NZ with her family, and has no big chores to do.  She's still under orders to blog (when possible, her internet access is patchy) and to be in bed by 3am.  But other than that, she's a free woman for the moment (something I took a lot of pleasure in joking about, heh).

And she's miserable.

Not just because her family isn't great (which, let's be honest, I'm sure most of us struggle to enjoy times spent with our family), but because she has nothing to do.  Because she is a "guest" people won't let her do things.  She has no structure to her days, and no one has any expectations of her.  And I have unfortunately been watching her emails and blogs get sadder and sadder as times goes on.

(Honestly I've been joking with her a lot about it because it IS funny to me.  Doesn't make it less annoying for her of course, but I'm still amused, because I'm a horrible person.)

I know that she's very much looking forward to being home, with chains around her wrists and a list of things to get done each day.

A funny anecdote on the subject - boy has a very busy life, what with being a full time worker outside the home and boy at home.  I once joked that wouldn't it be nice if I had a stable of slaves, and boy would never have to do any housework.  And he looked horrified, and he panicked and squealed "NO, DON'T DO THAT!".  The thought of being without daily tasks from me, without expectations from me was too much to bear.

We all need to feel valued for our time and efforts.  Because that sense of accomplishment, that feeling of knowing your worth, is something we all need.  And it's our jobs as dominants to make sure our submissives get that.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my 27th birthday!

I've been a bit lax with blogging lately because, as is ironically usual - the more I have to blog about, the less time and energy I have to blog.

Things are going well for me, and for my family.

Recently my, boy and pet have started finally beginning getting comfortable together as a unit.  Pet's been with us about six months now and thus we are finally settling into our dynamic with a little more comfort.

It's been very relieving for me.  For so many years knowing that where I wanted to go in life was to build a Leather family, to having it slowly begin to happen, and having it feel exactly right.

Everything is going well.  Life is good.  Life will continue to get better.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I've been talking with some other Dominants recently about what it's like to have more than one submissive.  How to help everyone get along, how to iron out any wrinkles, how to ensure communication, how to handle jealousy, how to be the boss and the head of the household without losing your kindness and consideration for others' feelings.

One of the things I've noticed is that there is a trend among families that have more problems (aside from the obvious "communication issues" that are ALWAYS the biggest reason relationships have problems).  They tend to move fast.

I've often considered my slowness when it comes to relationships and D/s and BDSM as something of a neutral flaw.  That is, in itself it's neutral - but compared to everyone else who seems to move so quickly, it's considered a flaw by many people.

But now, I am not so sure.  My slowness has been the thing that has made my relationships so stable and secure.  Going slowly means I have time to think carefully about actions.  Going slowly means I have time to understand what I'm getting myself into (and for those involved with me to do the same).  Going slowly, setting the pace at something much slower than other people tend to like, is one of the reasons I think I am good at building solid, long-term relationships.

Obviously this isn't to say that people moving quickly can't also have solid, long-term relationships.  It's not about black and white generalizations, it's about trends I've noticed.

I understand the temptation to move quickly, I do.  Especially if you have a submissive who wants to give as much as they can, and they want you to use as much as you can.  When you're offered someone on a silver platter, it's very easy to want to jump in head first.

It's the same as my attitude to play, actually - I would rather leave people wanting more.  I want people to come down and go "oh my god, I want to do that again", rather than "that was fun, I'm satisfied now".

Pet has been with us for... a bit over four months now I believe, and at this point most M/s couples I know have moved in and are living the dream.  But I refrain.  Why?

Well, I'm still not used to her, for starters.  I'm not used to her being around.  I'm not used to dividing my attention between boy and someone else.  I'm still getting accustomed to it all.

But it's also because I don't want to jump into the deep end.  I never have been that sort of person.  I would rather slowly work up to the deep end than jump right in.  I'm the sort of person that gets into a swimming pool a centimetre at a time, whereas others jump in and get it over with.

And it's also because mine are not the only feelings at stake here.  I have boy to think about, and I need to be able to handle him and how he is feeling about everything as well.  (The answer, if you're curious, is quite well).

And that's what a lot of this comes down to in the end - it's not just about me.  It's about everyone involved with me.  And one can simultaneously believe that one's feelings and actions are one's own responsibility while also understanding that our own feelings and actions affect other people.

Anyway back to the point.

I believe that my slow moving is a good thing.  It means I have time to consider everything carefully, and that means I have time to build solid, strong foundations in my relationships.

M/s and D/s is not a race to the finish line.  They are relationship experiences.  And while that means you can just jump in and go from zero to a hundred right away - there's absolutely no reason why you can't - personally, I prefer to go slowly.

I wouldn't know how to cope with a boyfriend or girlfriend that suddenly appeared, and likewise I wouldn't know how to cope with a slave just plopped in my lap instantly, I don't think.  Perhaps if they came with LOTS of pre-training that was along the same lines of what I would do myself?  Perhaps if I knew them as a slave for a long time before they became my slave?  Hell, perhaps I could even cope as long as they could explain and demonstrate their desires very clearly to me before they became my slave.  Who knows.  Maybe experience is the answer.  I don't know.

This is a very rambly post.  Sorry about that.

At my tender age, in my late twenties, those who are interested in being involved with me are rarely experienced in D/s.  So that means they need time to learn.  But more importantly, I go slowly because I need to go slowly.  It's the only way I can enjoy a relationship.  I am lucky in that I believe my going slowly grants me a lot of benefits.

This is a really awful post, sorry about that dear readers.  I really am just stream-of-consciousness-ing this.

I think what I'm trying to say is that unless both people entering into a relationship (ANY kind of relationship, not just D/s) are BOTH very experienced and self aware, then it's my personal belief that it's best to move slowly.

Clarifications

Long time no blog, sorry about that!  I've been either extremely busy or extremely sick the last little while.

Things have been hectic at home, but rather than blather about everything and nothing, I'll focus on something specific.

For a while now I'd been feeling like pet had been giving me mixed signals about her presentation.  On one hand we had negotiated that I didn't control her presentation aside from her hair, although I had a certain degree of control over her when she was in my presence.  On the other hand, she had been asking me to help her shop for clothes and help her achieve a new look that she felt unable to motivate herself to do on her own.  All up I was feeling very confused.

We had a good talk about it yesterday and it was cleared up a lot.  As of yesterday I now have the authority to dictate what pet wears whenever she is in my presence.

This is still going to be somewhat complicated for me, because of - surprise! - money!  I don't control pet's income, and unfortunately I am no Christian Grey and thus do not have billions of dollars to spend on my submissives.  So pet will be the one buying her new clothes, but I have some authority over them.  The way we are working it is that I will know her budget and make shopping carts on sites with clothes I like, and she will remove ones she is heavily against, and will then buy them.  I don't know if this will work perfectly but I'm sure it will work okay for now.

In many ways I wish we could fastforward to the future where I DO control pet's money and have total control over her appearance.  Then I will feel much more confident about all this.

Until then, however, it's about compromise.

An Email

One of the reasons I have this blog is that there's so little on the internet from a dominant man's point of view, and I think it's worth reminding the world that we're people.  ;P

In that vein, I wrote an email to pet tonight that as I reread it, I thought, this may be a useful thing to put on my blog.

So while it's a little context-less - seeing as I'm not going to post pet's email - here are some thoughts of mine.

~~~


"I like it that you inform me when you smoke or drink etc.  It's not necessary, but the fact that you do it makes me feel like you value our relationship and where it's headed.  Just like the way you email me when you go to bed or you keep my kitchen clean makes me feel very valued and appreciated and loved.

The hair thing is interesting for me.  Because I am actually a nice person, I don't generally enjoy doing things that others don't like.  But it's also this thing for me - shaving a slave's head is something I have always wanted to do, something that has been a part of my mind ever since I was a little kid.  And so while a huge part of me is like "no, I don't want to make you dislike yourself, I don't want you to fear not passing, etc", learning to embrace the inner Master (so to speak) means going, actually, it doesn't matter.  I want to, you will submit to it, and it's very meaningful for me.  That's the end of it.

It might sound strange to a submissive person, but tops need to do a lot of inner embracing too.  The desire to control another completely isn't exactly a healthy desire on its own (just like wanting to give up control to another isn't healthy on its own) and if you're a moral person it takes a lot to work around that.  Sometimes it doesn't matter if the consent is there, because a part of you is screaming "no, that's horrible, don't do that".

It's sort of comforting to me that the head shaving is a limit right now.  Because I'm still getting used to what little control I already have. And that's good, I feel, it means I'm not taking it for granted.  Every day is another step closer towards the end goal, but it's also another day to explore what I can do *now*.  And not just what I can do in terms of what you've consented to, but what I can do in terms of where my head is at.  For example, I'm still quiet in the living room when you're sleeping in it.  That may or may not change.  I'm still learning where my own feelings are on that sort of thing.

For me, I know this is right, it's going well, because the future excites me.  Things that I couldn't do now, because I'm "nice", because I haven't got my head around them yet - are things that I know one day I will be able to do.  And that's a very liberating thought.  That I can let that part of me out and express it, one day in the future, is a very hopeful and fun thing and I'm very much looking forward to it.

There was this post on K&P on fetlife today/yesterday about '100 ways to make someone feel enslaved' and while a lot of them were total bollocks, some of them were actually kind of working for me.  But the weird thing is that it wasn't about you.  You're a very present person and you live in the present and that's GREAT because that's something I enjoy in a person, and in a submissive, and frankly I'm not worried about you forgetting that you're submissive anytime soon.  But some of the little tips made me go "hmm, that might help ME feel more dominant, rather than making you feel submissive", and that's an interesting way to come at it.  I think maybe I need to think about that a bit, because I think that's where a lot of my roadblocks come from.  Like, the more terrible bdsm movies I watch and books I read the more dominant I feel, simply because I am being reminded that this is my life.  Because sometimes life is just life, you know?  It's easy to forget it's special.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now, consider this something of a private blog post in return, heh.

Hope you sleep well pet <3  I love you very much.

--Sir"

3am musings.

It is nearly 3am and it's been a while since I did just a good, generic update.

I am slowly - s l o w l y - getting accustomed to pet being here.  At this very moment she is in the cage in the living room, I know not if she's asleep yet or if she's still getting there, but either way she is quiet and in 'bed'. Boy is also in bed, in his room of course.

Pet is here about four or five days a week at the moment.  It's... interesting.  I enjoy having her here, but I also enjoy having space from her.  Things are very healthy between us for me, in that sense.  I know many people go straight from "dating" (or "under consideration") to moving in, 24/7 TPE and so on within a month or two, but I am not that sort of person.  Heck, it took years for me to agree to move in with boy!  I need space to think and feel and be self aware about my life.

Regardless, I am getting used to her being here.  Right now I still feel relaxed, though I am sharing the living room with her.  Not as relaxed as I would if she were in another room, but still, I am okay.

Pet very much prefers to sleep in the living room.  She feels lonely very easily and she likes to feel a part of the house.  I think that's a very nice thing for a slave to feel.  At first I wasn't sure I could deal with it (I like having the living room to myself in the wee hours), but I am doing okay.  There is something very potent about knowing your submissive is on hand and accessible at all times.  The downside is that it eliminates a lot of things I usually do to entertain myself in the wee hours, because they make a fair amount of noise.

I am noticing that I miss boy more these days than I did before.  Pet only works two days a week, whereas boy works full time, so generally speaking it feels like I spend more time with her than I get with boy, and I don't really like that.  I feel like I miss him a lot right now.  I need to find a way to feel more connected to him - we already have a weekly 'date night', but perhaps we need to take that more seriously and look at our daily routines as well.  I know I've started really appreciating bedtime, because regardless of who goes to bed first (usually him), the other goes and 'tucks them in', and we cuddle and we have a short talk before saying goodnight.  I'm glad that at least no matter how busy life is, we get those few minutes every day.

In general, things are going well, though I do seem to live in a constant state of feeling rushed these days.  There is always something demanding my attention.  Perhaps I need to make sure to schedule alone time a little more carefully, rather than just accepting it whenever it comes along.

A moment in time worth recording.

It's 5:22am, and pet has fallen asleep on the floor, hugging my leg.

Bad Days & Beat Downs

So a common thing I see owned subs and slaves write about is the feeling of coming home after a bad day, to feel much better once home and 'in their place' beneath their Master.  Today I feel like I saw a bit of that in action.

I've been bursting to play since about 3am last night.  So I had plans to play with pet when she came over after work.  During the day she made a blog post about how she was having a bad day, and felt pretty crappy.

When she came home, I played with her anyway (as is my prerogative).  For the first couple of minutes, she was very much not into it, even whimpering "please Sir no, please stop".  (Which is not a safeword :p).

After a couple of minutes, she went quiet, and then not long after that she started making very happy noises.

When we were done, she looked so serene and happy.  The transformation was incredible.  It was the first time I have seen, in person, that switch.  From feeling down and having a bad day to feeling content and comfortable at the feet of one's dominant.

It was a very special thing to witness, and it made me feel very warm and happy.

It also makes me very hopeful for the future.  I feel very right with this girl at my feet.  I feel very content and comfortable to have her there.  I think that bodes well for us.

Worthiness

So today I am thinking about worthiness.

We've been having a lot of discussions at my place recently, frequently about expectations and standards, and hopes for the future and things like that.  I'll bore you the details (or perhaps I'll simply save them for another post), but I was pondering some things just now and I felt the urge to write them out.

Just now I was thinking about standards and what I would like the future to look like, and I found myself wondering: am I worthy of that?

Am I worthy of running a house with that level of expectation?

Am I worthy of expecting "that much" of those in my care?

If I think about these questions a little harder, I see that a huge part of where I am coming from comes less form those exact questions and more from... well, not so much "can I live up to that", more... "if I live up to that, am I just being a controlling wanker?".

Realistically, that doesn't matter.  If I am being a controlling wanker that's not really a problem as long as everyone in my family is happy and I don't irritate my guests.

But on a personal level, I'm not sure how to tackle this feeling.  I suppose I'll tackle it the way I tackle imposter syndrome in general - assume that if others believe I am worthy, then I would be rude to imply they are wrong.

This whole thing comes back to that thing I've mentioned before about not being willing (or being grudgingly willing at best) to expect something of someone in my care that I would not do myself.  This is irritatingly stupid when it's about things I literally just cannot do.  This, at least, doesn't seem to be something I cannot do - it seems to be based a little deeper in my knowledge of my likes and dislikes, and my background etc.

For example, if we take this hardcore, and my house ends up being moderately high protocol at all times, what happens the day when I just want to blob on the couch and order pizza?

I know it seems obvious - I am the head of the house, what I say goes.  If that means pizza, then pizza it is.

But because of how I feel about this stuff, I struggle with that idea.  I want to be consistent and I want... I don't know.  I want to be reliable.  I want to be worthy of the service I receive and nothing less.

And there it is again, we're right back to worthiness.

Now, most of this stuff I already know and can get around in my head, you know?  But I want to write it here, because while I don't know if this is a common thing for dominants to go through, I feel that it's something that many dominants may go through, and perhaps knowing that it happens to many of us is something useful.

It's easy to say "I am the boss, what I say goes", but when we hold ourselves to a high standard, how does that fit in with our view of ourselves and our expectations?

This isn't so much a struggle for submissives (I say, but admittedly I don't know, not being one), who are given instructions on their behaviours and the standards they will be held to.  But us, the bosses - we make those standards, and while it's easy to say "what I say goes", it's much harder to incorporate that into your life when you believe very strongly in integrity and living up to your own ideals.

I am rambling.  Apologies.

There is a constant struggle, I feel, for many of us dominants to feel worthy of the faith placed in us.  I, at least, take my responsibility towards that faith very seriously.  If such trust and faith is placed in me, it is my responsibility to live up to that.

So I come back to "am I worthy to expect this much of my charges?".

I think the only answer that matters is whether or not they think I am worthy of that.  If they do, then it is my responsibility to take that seriously.  And if they do not, then I suppose they will not remain with me, as is proper.

My feelings on my worthiness are somewhat irrelevant.  What matters is that I do my best, and fulfil my duties within my relationships.  Actions, not thoughts.

Intergenerational Friendships

I just posted this to Fetlife and I thought it should go here too.

~~~


This has been on my mind a lot over the last couple of years, and I've started expressing it here and there to a few people, but I thought I'd try and write out my thoughts a little more.

I'm in my mid/late twenties.  I'm definitely an adult, in all ways, but I am still young.

My friends?  Their ages range from 15 to 70.  And I love that.  That's important to me.

Why?

Because often people in different generations don't want to listen to each other.  Everyone sticks their fingers in their ears and thinks other generations are stupid in some way - older people think 'young people don't listen and don't know anything', younger people think 'old people are out of touch and don't know anything'.

They're all wrong of course.  Older people have experience and knowledge that only comes with time.  Young people have fresh, new hope and ideas.

I am dedicated to maintaining my intergenerational friendships.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to learn and I want to teach - and not just learn from my elders and teach my youngers (although certainly that is a huge part of it), but the other way as well.

I am extremely aware of the gaps in my own knowledge of my cultural history.  As a trans person, as a queer man, as a Leather man... what do I know of my history?  I know a lot more than most people my age about my cultural history, but it's still not enough.

I don't want to lose people.  I don't want to lose history.  I want to know what it was like for people like me twenty years ago, fifty years ago, a hundred years ago.  I want to know my history.  I want to be able to share my history with those who come after me.

Unfortunately there are huge gaps for more reasons than just a lack of intergenerational friendships, but that's stuff I want to know too.  I remember sitting and listening to people talk about what it was like at the height of the AIDS crisis, to attend funeral after funeral, week after week.  I don't want to be shielded from those hard truths.  I want to know them.  I want to appreciate them.  I want to be aware of everything those before me have gone through.

I want to know my history.  I want to know your history.  I want to remember everything me and people like me go through.

And I want to remind you that things change.  I want to help you know that even though it seems like 'kids these days' don't care, they do.  They may care in a different way, but they still care.  We are redefining so much, the same way you did.  We are your heirs in more ways than one - we are like you.

Maybe that's why we frustrate each other, though.  Maybe our elders see themselves in us young people, and maybe us young people see people we may become in our elders - and in both directions, maybe it scares us a little bit.

But it shouldn't - it should be a good thing.  This is what community is, what it could be.

I don't want to be in a bubble of my own generation.  I want to know those who come before and after me.  I want to be a part of a history and be aware of that fact, I don't want to pretend that everyone before me is useless and everyone after me is stupid.

Intergenerational friendships are vital to me, because they show me that I am a part of something.  They help me acknowledge the cyclical nature of cultures and histories.  They help me learn more about my cultural past.  They help me look forward to my cultural future.

The Next Stage

So serina and I had our three month re-evaluation and re-negotiation today.

We obviously get along well, our personalities and lifestyles mesh, she gets along well with my boy, we have common interests and we have common long term goals.  So it's good.  So it's time to take away the "under consideration" safety harness and start thinking and doing.

The first thing that was apparent as we discussed things is that she has learnt a lot in the last three months.  She was much more able to dictate her needs and desires and limits this time than she was three months ago, which is excellent.  She was better able to grasp what makes her feel useful and happy now than she was three months ago.

This process is showing me that I am doing absolutely the right thing by going so slowly with her.  Several times in the last three months she has expressed a sudden realization that she was getting in deeper than she was expecting when she signed up.  Not in a bad way, just in a realizing it for real sort of way.  For example, things I have thought about but held off on doing because I did not want to overstep my bounds, regardless of what she said was okay, she has come back to today and has stated are at least soft, temporary limits.  So that's excellent - not only is she realizing the reality of what she has sought, but she still wants it, and is willing to move carefully and deliberately with me towards it.

So anyway, yeah, that's good.  We have begun another period together, which I am, for lack of better phrasing, calling the first training period.  For the next six months, we'll be starting the very slow, very careful process of training her to eventually become my slave.

I'll spare you the boring details of everything we discussed.

One thing that is clear to me is that the coming six months is going to be a lot harder for me than for her.  For her, not much has changed.  We have affirmed some things, cleared some boundaries, but generally speaking I suspect that everything that is coming are things she wants and will respond well to receiving.

For me?  I'm feeling a little cautious.

Because for me, I am a very friendly and lenient person.  I have exceptionally high personal standards, but I don't expect people to live up to them.  As we tighten our relationship, my standards and expectations for serina are going to get higher and higher.

This worries me because I am going to need to find the balance between "lenient, gentle, kind" and "challenge, stern, strict".  Which I'm sure I can do, but it's going to be very hard for me.  It's going to be hard to learn that I am allowed to begin holding her to higher standards.  It's going to be hard to allow myself to expect more from her.

I don't know if I can articulate this very well.  But the next six months is going to be a great challenge for me. One that I am looking forward to, but a challenge nonetheless.

Right now I am thinking back to the formal Leather dinner about a year ago.  I told boy going in that I had high expectations of him, and he was afraid.  But he did so well, and he made me so proud.  Perhaps I am doing a disservice by not having higher standards.  Perhaps it would be okay for me to extend my expectations.

I think the truth of the matter is that most people want to prove that they have what it takes, whatever 'it' may be.  Most people want to be set challenges and not just defeat them, but move beyond them.  Perhaps my leniency is not the blessing it first appears.

Instead, perhaps I should put myself in their shoes.  I know, for myself, when I am set a challenge, when I am set an impossible task, it just makes me all the more determined to do it.  High standards make me nervous, sure, but I also enjoy rising to the challenge.  And I'm sure other people are like this too.  Everyone wants to know that they earn the praise they are given.  Everyone wants to feel that they have done their best and those closest to them are proud.

The next six months will be a challenge, finding the balance.  But that's my own challenge, and one that I am determined to rise to accept and defeat.  And if I can expect that of myself, wouldn't it only be fair to expect serina to do the same?  Despite power exchanges, me and those I am in relationships with are equals.  It's only fair to treat them as such, to give them the same credit and faith that I have in myself.

...

... the next six months sure is gonna be hard, though.  Heh.

Little Things

It pleases me very much when serina sits at my feet.  Especially in non-obviously-kinky circumstances, like when we're watching tv.  It always makes me smile to stroke her hair while she hugs my leg.

Generosity

I'm not feeling very articulate right now so I'm just going to copypaste the entry I wrote on fetlife just now:

~~~

Today I loaded up my computer and had a message from kim telling me someone has paid for me to attend 2 of Jack Rinella's workshops. She couldn't tell me who as they wanted to remain anonymous.

Dear Anonymous Benefactor: thank you so, so, so much. I don't think you realize how much this means to me. I can't express how grateful and touched I am. thank you so so so so so so so much.

The thing is that money's been really tight for me for... well, a long time. I'm on a pension, so it doesn't flow that great on a good day. But the last few months, because of a rent increase and a few other things, money for me has been... really, really tight. Once I've paid my living expenses I usually only have $20-$50 left over for all my disposable money for the fortnight. And that does usually go straight to the door charge for kink events.

It's not just this particular benefactor (although don't get me wrong, anonymous benefactor, I am so fucking touched I'm at risk of getting teary), either. The generosity of this community towards me over the years has been astounding.

I've been included in things where I couldn't afford to attend otherwise, through people's kindness.

I received a fetlife supportership from _alexandra_ just because she is kind and giving and amazing.

I've been invited around to so many people's homes and given food and comfort and love.

This week my car's battery died, and I had MistressKellie offer to buy me a new one, just like that.

And there's been so many other things over the years.

I always do my best to give as much as I can to people and my community but I will never come close to being even when it comes to generosity karma in this community. You people are all so kind and generous.

I just... thank you. Thank you, all of you. Thank you anonymous benefactor.

It's been a rough week for me for a lot of reasons and the incredible kindness and generosity of this community has made me feel so much better about everything. You are all always there for me in a way no other community on earth has ever been.

Thank you. You are so wonderful.

Service and Chores and Learning Oh My

So remember how ages ago now I decided I was going to hire a cleaner?

Serina is very service-focussed and it's been interesting watching us grapple with that.  Because I am bad at receiving service like housework, in fact that's one of the reasons why I hired a cleaner in the first place (that and the fact boy just doesn't have enough hours in the day to do everything).

I've been struggling with getting comfortable receiving service from serina.  It's taking time, because it's such a big thing for me.  It's strange because service is one of the things that most makes me feel loved, but at the same time, I have such a hard time receiving it.  And that's annoying, that is, because she feels best when she is serving, she feels useful and comfortable.

So we've been trying to work it out.  A couple of things have occurred.

The first is simply that I'm getting better.  I've been watching the way she flounders and feels awkward and jittery if she's not being useful.  Because of that, I'm learning that giving her tasks to do, giving her a way to give me service, really truly is a good thing for her and not putting her out at all.

The second is that for a month or two, serina is going nomad, so she can save money to move in with her girl.  She's storing her stuff here (it's not a lot of stuff, about a car load).  She wants to be able to pay us back, for lack of a better phrase, for being able to do that.

She asked me the other day if she could take over whatever cleaning duties the cleaner had.

And I said okay.

This is a pretty big deal for me.  But the fact is that I've seen the way serina feels strange if she's not being useful, and it sure helps that the cleaner is pretty expensive and not having to pay that money would be pretty great.  So I said okay.

So I'm learning.  I'm getting better at receiving.

Now I have the unenviable task of going around the house and writing a list of cleaning duties for serina, and then making sure she knows how to do them all.  But, well, good things don't come without cost I suppose. :p

Dojo Kun

This is a very personal entry and may not make a lot of sense to you, dear reader.  For which I apologise, but I need to talk this stuff out and I want to record it, and this is the best place for me to do so.

I've written about dojo kun before.  Loosely translated, it's "school rules".  It was... I want to describe it in a lot of ways, but all of them are somewhat lacking.  Rules, yes.  But more than that.  Philosophy.  A way to live.  A way to approach life and karate.

Those words will never leave my brain.  They're as etched into my soul as the symbol representing them is onto my back.

Respect others.
Be courageous.
Train in mind and body.
Practise daily, and protect traditional karate.
Strive to reach the essence of GoJu Ryu.
Never give up.

Big things are brewing in my spirit.  Dojo kun means more now than ever, even though the words are shifting in my mind.  Not changing, as such.  The original rules will always be oaths of mine.  But more... an inspiration.  To further oaths.  To further ways.  To further growth.

We Do This To Get Hard Anyway

Today I was flipping through my google documents when I found a stash of writings I had forgotten about.  They're a few years old now - maybe four or five years old?  But as I read them I found myself quite moved, both emotionally and sexually.

The documents are mostly my thoughts on rituals and structures I would have liked to one day employ as the head of a Leather family and household.  To my surprise, as much as there are certainly some silly parts of them, for the most part I found them still quite good.

I also found them very exciting.

There's a lot of wank around the various kink and Leather scenes about how much ritual is "too much" ritual.  From what I can gather it depends on the people involved, and that's all that matters.  If having a 100 page contract and a 500 page house manual works for you?  Then by all means, go for it, in my humble opinion.

I'm... not into that much ritual, honestly.  I'm forgetful and a little bit lazier than I'd like, so the idea of having to remember that much information makes me feel a little dizzy.

But I do love some structure and ritual.  Yes I do.

Anyway, some of these writings I found?  I still want to do some of the stuff in them. And I got thinking about that, and how much of it is somewhat silly.

But you know what?  I don't care.

Silly or not, these formal, ritualistic ideas get me hard.  They make me excited, in mind, body and spirit.

And let's be honest here - Leather is a lot of things, it's a way of life.  But it's also something we do because it's hot.  We do this to get hard anyway.  Why not enjoy the silly stuff if it's enjoyable?  Who cares if it's silly, if it's fun?  What's the point of it all if I can't sample some of that sweet, silly, stuffy protocol and formality if that's what tickles me?

To that end, I think I'm going to use some of these ideas I found from the mind of my younger self.  Because I like them.  Because I do this for fun anyway, and sometimes that's worth remembering.

Remembering, Becoming

I've been feeling a little down tonight, a little fragile.

Then a few minutes ago I started thinking about Sensei.

I miss him so much.  He was so important to me.

But I'm also thinking about him because he was so good at what he did, who he was.  He had this way to make you believe in yourself when you didn't a moment before.  He had this way to make you face your mistakes and deal with them without feeling weak or like a failure.

I wish, every day, I could be more like him.

But the only way for that to happen is for me to be true to myself, be true to what I was taught, and to practise.

I'm having a moment of weakness tonight.  Feeling like I can't cope, like I will never be who or what I want.  Feeling like a failure.

Then I remember.

I remember his smile as he said, "you're ready when I say you're ready".

I remember quietly, sadly saying I cannot do something, and he simply replies, "yes you can".  I remember how I believed him, and how, with that belief behind me, I always succeeded.

I remember his pride in me.

I remember the tattoo on my back, my everyday reminder of who I am and where I come from and the man who helped me get here from there.

I remember the final words of dojo kun, words that have always, always stayed with me.  Words I would repeat after Sensei twice a day, with every ounce of my being behind them.  Words that have shaped every moment of my life.

Never give up.

And then, I feel strong again.  Fragile still, yes.  Sad still, yes.  But strong.

Prattling On About Power Balances

It's been a while!  Sorry about that.

Things have been super busy for me - I've had a friend staying with me for a while, while she house-hunted so her and her husband can move down here.  I'm happy to say they were successful and I believe they're coming down for good next weekend, very much looking forward to that.

Things with boy are going extremely well.  We've had a couple of little hiccups that are normal in longterm relationships but nothing serious, and every day I am grateful for his stability and love in my life.

Things with serina are also going well, and we are beginning to approach that point where we'll stop 'figuring things out' and start really 'doing'.  She's been under my consideration for two months now, with one more to go until we sit down and figure out where we go from here.  Things are good.  I enjoy her company and her service, and the four of us (myself, boy, serina, and serina's girl) all get along well.

In the Leatherman's Handbook, I seem to recall it's actually recommended for Leather men to have a vanilla partner, and I am definitely seeing the wisdom in that recently.  I do not think I would be able to deal with serina as successfully if I did not have my relationship with boy.  Obviously boy and I aren't vanilla, but we are lovers and we are partners in life - I'm the superhero, he is my sidekick.  So it's as close to an egalitarian relationship I'm ever going to have, and it's exactly what I need.

Because serina and I are talking long term, and we are talking slavery, that means I need to be careful of our boundaries.  Love is good, care is good, but at no point do I want to feel as though we are... hmm, what's the word?  I can't think of it, but basically I don't want to fall into the trap of having any feelings or thoughts towards her that might threaten the D/s balance.

It's a hard line to walk, especially as she is prone to worrying that she is not cared for or that she is unimportant, and I need to find ways to reassure her that that is not the case, that do not break the D/s dynamic.

Hmm, actually, just having typed that sentence I feel like I opened up a few things in my head.  That's good.

Things are still precarious at this point in time, I suppose.  I've gotten so accustomed to power exchange that I'm re-learning how to only employ it at a superficial level.  For me D/s is one of the few places in life where I am a rather black and white person, and I am used to either everything or nothing. In between makes me a little nervous.  But I deal with it.  It was my idea to take things slowly, after all :p

Sorry for all that prattle - in short, I want to be careful to avoid the trap I see many Masters fall into, where they suddenly realize they cannot Master their slaves any more, because they care too deeply (in the wrong way) for their slave.  It's an extremely common occurrence and I want to avoid that - love?  yes.  care?  yes.  both those things deeply and passionately?  yes, eventually.  But the right kind of love and care.  Love and care in the right direction, with the right focus.  At no point do I want to find myself hovering over her with a cane and then stopping myself and saying "I can't".

I feel the best way for me to avoid this is to be aware of its commonality, and be wary of it from the very beginning of the relationship.  If I can keep it in mind, if I am careful, I think it can be avoided.

When we've talked about it before she has said how much the idea concerned her, and she has also expressed a comfort with being 'below' my boy in the pack heirarchy.  These things combine to make me feel like this will work out all right, and we can balance it all.

And this is partially why it's good having boy have my back.  He is a very solid foundation for me.  His support means that I can take a stronger dominant position over serina, and when I have moments of weakness, he can shoulder it instead of her.

This is also why I'm so glad serina has her girl, ylatch - it means that she has a lover, someone to be her partner in life.  Ylatch can give her so much that I won't be able to, and that's a good thing.  I don't feel threatened by that, I feel comforted.  Reassured.

As we continue, our D/s relationship which (hopefully) will become a M/s relationship, will be supported by our partners.  This can only be a good thing, offering extra support and stability to a relationship type which is often fraught with complications.

Complications do not concern me.  I can deal with any and all complications that come my way, as long as I have a strong foundation beneath me.

Identity Crisis!

... well, not really ;)

I haven't done many rope suspensions in the last few months because I've been ill, or I've had other things to play with, and it seems people are starting to forget that suspension is my Thing(tm).

Anyway I miss rope a lot, and playing with it a little last night at Chains reminded me that it's my Thing(tm) for a reason.

Need to do more of it.  I feel at my best when I'm doing rope.

Now I just need to find more bunnies to do rope on.

This has been a boring short entry.  :)

New Things Polish Old Things

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me!  I ran a BDSM101 workshop for Melbourne University's Rad Sex & Consent Week, and it was tremendous fun.

One of the things that it reminded me is that the best thing you can do if you are any kind of experienced in anything, is to spend time with newbies and teach people.  Not just because you're helping out other people (although that's certainly a good reason to do it as well!) but because it reminds you how exciting everything is.

Because nothing makes you remember how much fun everything is like watching people's eyes light up as you discuss it.  Watching someone get really excited over something that you've been ignoring for a while because you moved on past it is a good way to remember that actually, that thing?  Is really fun and exciting!  I haven't played with wax or ice or so many things in so long because I just don't think about them any more, but after running that workshop I'm reminded that they are all very fun things and I should do them more.

It was so much fun and it reminded me how much I love teaching, and how much I love engaging with people.  It was very needed, and it was a good kick in the butt to get back to work on my website and organizing some more workshops in the coming months.

In other news, because I've been so busy I haven't been running my household very efficiently.  So that's another thing I need to put more effort into.

It's something I am working on improving - well, it's the kind of thing I'm ALWAYS working on improving, but as I spend more time with serina I am finding I am having both the motivation and the time/energy/etc to actually put things into motion.  I suspect it will become easier as we continue seeing each other, as I will be able to delegate more and run things more smoothly and efficiently.

Serina has been having a good effect on my relationship with boy - this is something you don't see talked about very much, as it's often considered a "bad" thing, but I don't think it is.  Having NRE with one person means I am more excited about spending time with my longterm partner as well.  It's like I was saying about teaching - spending time with new people makes the old people seem exciting all over again.  This applies to teaching, to projects, to relationships, I suspect it's something that applies to a lot of things in life.

It's been good for boy too because it has meant I have been more strict with him, which is good.  I frequently am too lenient, especially when I am or he is stressed.  The problem is that I think I internalized the golden rule a little too well - I treat people how I would like to be treated, but that's not actually the right thing to do.  What you should do is treat people how THEY would like to be treated.

However as good as it is that I am starting to think about running my household in new ways and trying to put them into motion, doesn't mean that my house isn't a complete train wreck right now.  Sigh.  Oh well, only thing to do is try and get through all the stuff that needs doing before we can settle into any kind of routine.

What I'm trying to be careful of, as well, is making sure I don't overdo things and hurt my health.  I have a habit of doing that when I get enthusiastic about things :/

Basically, things are good and hectic and I am excited for the future.  :)

Heating Up

Oh, I see the blogspot dashboard doohickey has a new look. Well on the bright side it looks like the changes are mostly cosmetic.

Anyway that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?

Where to start where to start.

Things with serina are going well. We continue to move slowly and carefully, and I am getting accustomed to spending energy on someone new, which is the hardest part for me.

One of the interesting things about seeing serina is that she is sort of a package deal - she has a girl herself, to whom she is Mummy (the D/s age play type of relationship, not an actual child). Ylatch is a very sweet girl and I've had the chance to spend some time with them both recently, and enjoyed it.

It will be interesting to see how that develops over time, as while it's very easy to say "well, I am not ylatch's dominant and there is no contract between us", the more power and authority that is exchanged between serina and I, the more that becomes a fuzzy line.

Not in a bad way - it's just one of those things that needs to be considered. It's not that I have any interest in dominating ylatch - HOWEVER, taking responsibility for serina is not an action done in a vacuum. I'm very aware and careful of how all this is affecting ylatch, because the last thing I want to do is worry her or hurt her.

As everything heats up and comes together, as much as we can talk details all we like, the reality is that as my family grows, as do my responsibilities in that family. If I am responsible for serina and serina is responsible for ylatch - it follows sensibly that I also have to consider my responsibilities towards ylatch. Even if those responsibilities are merely "serina must be able to maintain her relationship with ylatch", that is still a responsibility, and one that needs to be taken seriously.

I don't know how things will roll out. But I am aware that serina is a package deal. I am aware and okay with my family expanding to include ylatch, and I hope it does. I hope ylatch gets what SHE needs out of all this. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. As my responsibilities grow, my responsibility towards every individual involved - boy, serina, ylatch - grow as well.

I am okay with this. I wouldn't be a part of this lifestyle, I wouldn't be who I am, if I shied away from responsibilities.

Switches and hierarchies and families in Leather are complicated. This isn't a bad thing. It means we can work hard to create exactly the spaces and niches that we require. Everyone can get their needs met if we can all communicate and work together.

So! Serina. Let's talk about her for a bit.

For me it's clear that serina and I are coming from very different places in regards to all this - we want the same results, but we are coming from different experiences. Obviously I already knew that going in, but it's always different to know something intellectually and then to experience it.

Now I've written and deleted an attempt to explain it like five times now. Argh.

Serina is slowly becoming exposed to the realities of the things that she has been craving for years, and she is having very mixed feelings about it all, which is very normal. I am seeing her struggle and question herself, and it's somewhat frustrating that there's no real way for me to help that - she has to find her own conclusions for herself.

I am finding myself being very, very cautious with how much I push and how far, and to what end. I am trying to give her enough to struggle against - which I think she needs at this point - without pushing her to the point of frustration or desperation. I want her to feel challenged, but I don't want her, at any point, to feel like she is either incapable of what she is seeking, nor do I want her to feel that she is not valued, despite or because of her struggles.

She seems to be struggling somewhat with worth - when she is pushed to a dark place the first thing she seems to worry about is that I don't value her, that I only view her as a piece of meat. This is of course not true, but I think it says a lot about her head space on the subject. We have also discussed the fact that she seems to equate her value with being loved - and that is a struggle for her presently.

For me, I'm a very loving person, and I have a base level of love towards everyone. I don't always say it, though I often do. I have found myself not saying it to serina yet, because when she hears it, she won't be hearing "I love you as a person", she will be hearing "I love you on a deeply personal level". I'm very aware of this. I have told her that it will come - and I believe it will - but I have zero interest in lying to her about anything, least of all my feelings. So I will not say "I love you", until I know that I mean it, until I know that I can say it with the same weight that she will receive it.

For her I think this is a struggle to accept, though she does so. But it falls down a little when she ties her value to being loved - her mind plays tricks and says that if I don't love her, then I mustn't value her.

I think this is quite interesting in an academic way - a little concerning and upsetting in a personal way, but that's just how it is - but intellectually, it's interesting.

I value her very much and I am very pleased that she desires to submit to me. I value that more than I could ever express in words. I have literally been waiting and searching for years to find someone who has similar relationships goals to me, when it comes to M/s, to express an interest in submitting to me. But it is unconnected to love. Love is a separate entity from value, from appreciation. The love will come. It is already growing, which is good because it's a sign to me that we are on the right track, that we are moving strongly.

But she will have to be patient. I will not lie to her simply because it is something she wishes to hear.

I have so much more I could talk about, but this entry is already really long, so I think I will leave it here for now. I need to get some work done on some other things anyway.

But as for where I am presently? I'm feeling hectic, rushed, things are changing, things are shifting, there is so much going on in my head... but it's all good, and I feel very happy about what is to come.

Love My Community, Need My Community

Tonight my and mine (boy & serina) went to the Melbourne Leather Dinner, a casual get together sort of event at a pub for Leather folk. I usually go every month but I have missed a couple of months due to sickness.

God, I missed it so much.

I didn't even notice until we walked in, and I was greeted by my friends and we hugged and we talked and I just felt so... good. At home. Peaceful. Happy.

Even just being in that space is so essential for me. I need it. I crave it.

My community, I love my community. It makes me feel fulfilled and happy and peaceful. I love the Leather community, I love it like family. It is my family. It's my home.

Hmm!

Now that I have a day to myself, some things are starting to sink in.

Which is good, because I am frequently a worry wart and I have been thinking so hard about making sure serina and I do this thing we're doing right and slowly and I have to be careful and think of my responsibility and be a responsible careful adult and blah blah blah.

But I also just had a moment, just now, where I felt the stuff I get out of it too. I felt the little shudder of a power trip stirring in the back of my mind.

And that's good. Because at the end of the day, that power trip is one of the major draws of being a dominant. :)

Big Weekend

Where to start where to start... and I just know I'm going to forget a lot of what I wanted to write about. Oh well.

Serina came round to spend the weekend here. It is good, we are becoming more comfortable around each other - or certainly, I am becoming more comfortable. Which is good. I'm sure she is at least a little frustrated with my slow pace, but, well... that pace is one of the reasons I am good at the things I am good at. She is accepting of it, fortunately. :)

We all (myself, boy, and serina) went out to a kink event on Saturday night - specifically Chains, which is a lovely low-stress, relaxed event held at a pub. We had dinner at the pub beforehand, and it was very lovely for me to sit at a table with my charges either side of me and enjoy a meal together.

Boy is having to adapt too, and he is also quite slow to adapt to new information, so I am being quite lenient with him as he learns. The biggest thing he's having trouble remembering is which side of me to be on.

I've posted before about how I prefer my submissive to be on my left, due to my particular martial arts experiences involving the lower grades being to the left of the higher grades. What I didn't write about in that post however, is that it's never really bothered me which side boy has been on.

I don't know why! But it honestly has never bothered me whether boy is to my left or my right, so we have never had a protocol in place for that before.

However, I have noticed that I definitely feel better with serina on my left.

So that I don't lose boy, when we are all together, now I find myself preferring him on my right, so I can have them either side of me. So boy is having to learn this. It will no doubt take a while for it to sink in, because we've been together for years and I've never had a preference for him before. But I feel confident he can rise to the challenge :p

It's also somewhat fitting I suppose, when I think of it my mind drifts towards the phrase "right hand man", and that's certainly what boy is for me. He is my sidekick, my second in command.

So after so long of not having a preference, I expected having one now to feel somewhat arbitrary, but honestly... it feels perfect. My boy is my right hand man, and he will stand to my right side.

Back to the event... serina and boy are slowly finding out how they interact with each other as well, which is interesting to watch - but I do find myself sighing much like a parent, and I suspect an occasional separation so they kids behave may become a thing. Heh.

I played with serina some, just a quick play because although we have played together before it was a couple of years ago now, and I needed to relearn her. Boy bought me a lovely new cane so I decided to try it out on her, and it's a wonderful little toy... it makes her do that little dance that people do when they get caned, ehehe.

It was good, to play with her and get a feel for her. She didn't mark though >:( despite some good thwaps with the cane. So she is coming with me to Provocation this Friday, and I have accepted the challenge of her flesh and I am going to make her wish she'd never been born. >:)

I also played with boy a bit, just tied him up in some decorative rope. Bondage is his favourite thing so he is very easy to please :p

I am working very hard to make sure boy doesn't feel neglected at all during this time. NRE happens in D/s relationships too and I am putting a lot of effort into being careful about how I handle it.

An interesting side effect from this whole thing - and it was something I discussed with boy as I was still negotiating with serina - is that given a submissive with whom the end goal is slavery, I am finding it easier to be bossier and stricter with boy, as well.

This is actually a very good thing because I do sometimes get a little too lenient with him. So the added sternness is a big benefit for him from this whole deal.

Something else interesting is that as boy put me to bed on Saturday night, he commented that since serina had come along, I had become much better at receiving service. This was something I hadn't noticed at all, but it makes a lot of sense because now I have two service-oriented submissives who get my attention, and that means I need to pay attention to making sure everyone gets things to do.

It's interesting for me, too, noting how many things I am not yet comfortable having serina do as service, and a couple of things that I've realized will always be boy's job regardless. For example, putting my shoes on? That is boy's job. That is a special ritual between us. Also a lot of things involving my room - I am very protective about my space, and boy is the only person aside from myself who is allowed in my bedroom. So lots of things are going to stay his job for as long as that is something I am feeling.

It is interesting and joyful to me how different my relations between me and boy or me and serina are. I am not seeking a stable of submissives who all act and think and look alike. I have very different ideas of what I want from each of them.

This will be a very interesting, and very fulfilling journey I feel. Not just between me and serina - but also for boy, and between me and boy. We have been together for some years now and our lives are entangled. Everything new that happens for one of us happens for both of us.

Under Consideration

Serina and I have started our three month period of consideration. On or around July 5th, we'll discuss how we're going and what will change and where we will go next.

It's very interesting, actually - my biggest concern about her has been and is that she is very fast to jump into things, whereas I am very slow. I suspected she was expecting more than has occurred, and some communication between us has shown this to be so.

For both of us, this is a very serious journey that we are both hoping will end in a total power exchange relationship. But I am so very, very acutely aware of what that means, and I know that for it to work we need to work up to it. We need to learn how we react and relate to each other, we need to make sure we are both thinking clearly before we commit to more than we can actually give.

So we are starting light. Slowly, ever so slowly, we will gradually increase what parts of her life and herself she is able to give me control over.

This also gives me time to get accustomed to spending energy on someone new, without burning out due to too much too soon. I am already responsible for myself and for my boy, adding a new life to that needs to be done slowly and carefully so that I don't snap and break down from pressure.

It also gives time for her partner to get accustomed to me being a part of her life without feeling like I am about to steal her away from her forever. It lets Serina and boy get accustomed to each other. It lets me get to know Serina's partner. The combining and expanding of families isn't a small thing to be rushed.

I know Serina wants so much more, and that's good, because I do too. But in time.

For now, I have changed her hair to something that pleases me, and I have set her a bedtime for when she is alone. In the time between seeing her, I will be thinking, and planning, and thinking some more. Working out my feelings. Working out my plans. Slowly we will increase my presence in her life, and slowly I will become used to receiving service from her. Also I will plot and plan terrible things to do to her.

All while balancing my relationship with boy and making sure his needs are cared for, and making sure that I remember to take time for myself as well.

I see a lot of talk on the internet about "under consideration", or the consideration period of D/s dating. A lot of people seem to think that it's a ridiculous idea and we should simply "call it what it is - dating".

I don't agree with this.

I get where they are coming from - the period of time between "we have met" and "we are now in a relationship" is usually called dating. It's the part where you get to know each other and get a feel for how you act around each other and how you fit into each other's lives.

But the thing is, for me, dating is something I do with vanilla partners. The consideration period is that part of getting to know each other for D/s partners.

I suppose, for a lot of people, it's irrelevant, as a lot of people are monogamous, and a lot of people see a D/s relationship and a vanilla romantic relationship as two parts of the same relationship. But that's not where I'm coming from.

I am not testing the waters with Serina in that way. I am testing the waters with her with a view towards her becoming my slave.

I am not dating her. I am considering her. And likewise, she is considering me, finding out if I am good for her.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Oh boy, blog, where do I even start.

Well, breakup wise, I am coping well. Sad, mourning, yes. But that's healthy. I'm having a little pity party at my place tonight, literally - I have some close friends coming around and we're going to drink and be merry. I may or may not talk about my feelings, but I feel that tonight will be the catalyst for me in terms of healing.

I am doing my best to be kind to myself. I'm succeeding. Clearly this is a thing that gets easier with practice. :)

In terms of the girl who has approached me - whose online handle is Serina so I think I'll stick with that in terms of what I call her on this blog - we spoke again this past week and discussed some options. I need a little extra time to mourn before I can take on a submissive, so we will speak again this coming Thursday.

But it is becoming clear to me that this is a thing that is happening, this is a change that is coming.

We've agreed to have a period of consideration of three months, where we can be D/s and see how well we work in those roles. After that, we'll see how we go. But we are both talking with a view to an eventual M/s relationship. If it all goes swimmingly, the fantasy-based-in-reality is that in a year, perhaps, we will move her into my house with me and the boy, and I will collar her.

Despite having been talking about this for a couple of weeks now and making plans very carefully that move very slowly but almost everyone's standards - this is all happening very fast for me. I'm a very slow person, I process things slowly and I make decisions with a lot of thought behind them.

I am trying to seize the day and all that without giving up my nature, which is to move slowly and carefully. I think that nature of mine is important and useful, especially when it comes to negotiating D/s relationships.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with that thought.

The coming three months will be interesting. It's going to be good though, not just to see how we work together, but this period of consideration is good for me as well - it gives me time to slowly get accustomed to expending energy on a new person. Which is something that I will take some time to get used to - after all, D/s wise, I have only had my boy for years now. I've learned to fill in time. Now I have to unlearn that a little, make my life a little more concise, so as to fit in the time to expend energy on a new person.

Huh, that was interesting. In a sentence I wrote and then deleted, I noticed that I seem to be struggling to type Serina's name with a capital letter. This is interesting because I've never particularly bought into the whole capitalization matters thing when it comes to D/s. Perhaps my feelings on that are changing.

Anyway.

Serina is very much interested in handing over control of as much as I am comfortable taking, it seems, and a sign of this is her desire to have me modify her. She is very adamant that at the very least I change her hair. I'm amused by this but it works well for me because that's something I am very interested in. So the first thing I will be doing once I officially place her under consideration is change her hair. :)

Reflection on Responsibility towards Community

So, this girl who has approached me (I should give her a nickname for this blog, but I'm too tired of think one right now - next post maybe) has been back reading this blog, which I think is a great idea. It's also inspired me to do my own back reading of my blog.

It's been... illuminating.

What's interesting to me isn't so much anything about myself that's changed, but rather the things that haven't changed at all. That I am still, essentially, the same person I was when I started this blog. That's interesting to me.

When I came to this entry on responsibility, I had a lot of feelings come up.

I wrote that almost exactly two years ago.

In the last two years I have become more well known in my local scene and on the internet, I've gained more respect. More and more people ask for my thoughts, my opinions, my advice, my time, my effort.

I am still always, always cautious of the responsibility that comes with that. Reading that entry was a lovely reminder of - as I said above - something about me that hasn't changed.

But the more I grow and the more faith people put in me, the more responsibility I gain. It becomes more and more important that I carefully consider my words and my actions. It becomes more and more important that I do my damn best to be kind and compassionate and helpful. It becomes more and more important that I make sure I am worthy of their trust.

I do my best. I always will.

Break Ups and Approaches

A couple of nights ago, my vanilla girlfriend broke up with me. It was unfortunate and I'm pretty upset about it - we had been together for two and a half years. I am doing my best to cope with it and allow myself time to feel sad.

Barely 14 hours or so after the breakup, during a conversation which had been arranged a week or so in advance, another girl expressed interest in becoming my slave.

I'm a bit all over the place and I'm dealing with it all as best I can. I am a little worried about this girl, in that she has a tendency to jump into things without thinking, but if she is willing to show me she can be patient and thoughtful it seems very likely this may go somewhere.

So yes. Everything is happening at once. I am trying to get myself together while still allowing myself space to grieve. But nothing ever comes at a "good" time.

We will see what the coming weeks bring.

Scent Marking

Sorry for the absence! I've been very, very ill, unfortunately. But I am starting to get a hold of how to keep up with things, even if my health doesn't seem to be improving just yet.

Ages and ages ago I wrote about scent-marking. It took a long time but we finally got around to that.

Today we went to a perfumery to have a good whiff of the Demeter fragrances they stock. (Demeter has long been my favourite scent company.)

We smelled almost every bottle they had. After all what we were looking for had to fit a lot of criteria. It had to:

* Be something that *I* like the smell of
* Be something that *boy* likes the smell of
* Be something that speaks to us both on an emotional level

Oh boy, I had no idea how complicated this would get. As we went through the testers we quickly discovered that we both have almost opposite preferences in scents, and the few scents that we did both like did not speak to us emotionally.

In the end we did find something though.

I'm an *extremely* scent-oriented person. A long time ago, I used to wear Demeter's "Rain" fragrance almost all the time. It speaks to me very strongly. I, and those I was close to, quickly came to associate that scent with me. I stopped wearing it a few years ago, not for any particular reason... I just ran out of the scent and never got around to buying more.

Since we were at the perfumery anyway, boy wanted to buy me another bottle of it as a gift, which was very sweet of him. :)

As we compared and discussed all the other scents in terms of what we liked and also what spoke to us, it eventually became clear that Demeter's "Ocean" fragrance was going to be the choice. It is something we both find very pleasant to smell, and its notes are related, but not the same, as my "Rain" fragrance. So in this sense it is a fitting scent to mark the boy with as mine - related to me, similar, under my influence, but still different.

I can't speak for the boy, but on a personal level, because smell is such an important thing to me, it was very important that the scent we choose make me feel something deep inside, a growling sense of ownership in my gut. The "Ocean" scent gave me that feeling, so I was glad to settle on it.

Boy is presently in the shower, and when he gets out I will be having him kneel before me, and I will spray him gently once at the back of his neck and once at the front of his neck, marking him as my property and my family.

I am very happy about this. :)