Last post for 2010

I wanted to get in a quick entry before the new year.

First, life blog housekeeping - Princess broke up with me. A week or two ago now (can't really remember). I'm doing fine, I had a lovely time seeing her over these last few months and I wish her all the best for the future.

In other news, tomorrow (well, more like in 8 hours or so, when 2011 begins) the boy will finally be released from his year of orgasm denial. He's been a very good boy and has had no orgasms throughout 2010. Finally, he can claim to be hardcore in one area of kink ;)

Finally, I will be ringing in the new year with a house party at mine, where we will have a spa, lube wrestling, and kinky goodness. And of course, I'll be spending it with people I adore, my chosen family, and my urban family.

A quick note

Dear the person who found my blog by googling "i didnt know i was intersex". You are welcome to drop me an email at not.in.denial@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. :)

Thoughts, Mostly about Hooked Up

Forgive a blathery sort of entry, I feel the need to think into text, but have little idea about the actual direction I'm heading.

My mind was drifting back to Hooked Up a few weeks ago. I've already written about how I find hook events to be profoundly spiritual, a place of connectedness and community that is just delicious and warm in sensation.

I was pondering about the pull I took part in, and what the others involved in it have said of it. Particularly the puller, and the heavy spiritual things that pull meant for him, what it meant for him to succeed and what it meant to even take part in it at all. Now that it is some time later, I am finally in a place to truly consider what it all meant to me, as well.

It's not that I don't know these things when and directly after they happen, simply that I am someone who likes to move slowly. I like to think about things a lot before deciding on how I feel about something. I was heady and ecstatic after the event, euphoric even, and continued to feel a strange fuzzy joy and elatedness for weeks after it.

I am extremely susceptible to my own brain chemistry. While my body has a resistance to most drugs (something which can be very annoying in a hospital, let me tell you!), when shifts come from within my own biology and chemistry I am more very vulnerable to them.

I actually enjoy this; it means that when I have a crush, I can spend weeks floating on a cloud of euphoria (as I did when I first began seeing Princess). It means that when I love someone, I love them with a fiery, painful passion. And while, yes, it means that heartbreak and depression also hit me harder than they might otherwise, they are valuable experiences that I try to appreciate.

Being so vulnerable to my own chemistry means that my tendency to move slowly serves me well. It gives me time to let the chemistry return to normal before I go making decisions or shooting my mouth off.

So in this vein, I have finally settled enough to think about Hooked Up in a meaningful way, that is not coloured by euphoria.

Oh, where to begin.

When I was a child, I fancied (like many children do) that I would grow up to be a rock star sort of person. In the spotlight, the centre of attention. A brilliant thing that others would behold. As I began to grow up and become the person that would become who I am today, I began to accept that this was not actually where I was headed.

No, I seem to do best a little behind the scenes. Not in the shadows, by any means, but not in the spotlight either. I am the supporting character, so to speak, or even perhaps the stage manager in some cases.

It's been a strangely difficult journey coming to accept that. Part of me still wants to be a rock star.

But, the show doesn't go on without the stage manager. The story cannot continue without the supporting characters. I would never feel satisfied feeling like a cog in the machine, but then again, that's what I am best at. A large, sparkly cog, perhaps, but a cog nonetheless.

When I guide, this is also my strength. I do not often simply tell people things. I instead ask them questions, and let them find the answers themselves.

At Hooked Up, this was definitely my place. The ground, to hold everyone steady. The one who keeps an eye on the others. Protector. Nurturer. A few steps back from the spotlight, making sure there was enough room for those who are supposed to be there.

And I didn't mind, at all. I felt that I was happily in my place.

There was a moment at the beginning where it was revealed (to me, perhaps it was obvious to everyone else) that I would be rigging pretty much the whole show. Even the cord that went from the hooks to the rope to the pulley system to the woman in rope was my responsibility. It was me that directed those around us to keep back or come forward.

And in my hands, two people. The literal life of one in one hand (the woman being suspended) and the health if not life of the other (the puller, with steel through his flesh, who could be jarred or injured by a wrong move).

I spent most of the pull squatting or kneeling on the floor, just between them both. One hand up to steady the suspendee, so she could watch and feed energy forwards as was her role. My eyes flicking between her and the beast pulling her up, watching for signs of fatigue, weakness, or just a general vibe of "I'm done".

Giving off as much of my love and calm and care for them both as I could. Keeping my senses alert and sharp. Watching. Waiting. Letting them have their moments.

Being the first one to start, examining the rig and preparing my gear before hooks even went near flesh. To say, yes, I can do this. Being the last one to leave, still coiling my rope and watching others talk and smile and congratulate and cheer.

And I was so terribly, terribly happy.

I feel that this is very much a large part of my role in my life, not just in D/s, but in everything. I have written before that I am very much a nurturer. Always that has had a certain innocence, or simpleness to it. Nurture is affection and food and somewhere to sleep.

But at Hooked Up it took on a much, much more powerful tone. To assist in a journey, to help make it possible. To literally guard over people's lives and the health of their bodies. To lubricate a challenge, an experience, to make it just that little more possible, that little bit more enjoyable.

And in return for all this, I received such joy and beauty and euphoria, the likes of which many people spend their whole lives chasing. To be part of something so great, so incredible. Truly, I am the one who got the better end of the deal.

When I was younger, I was convinced that my gentleness would somehow make me less excellent as a dominant. The more I grow and learn, the more I realize that that gentleness is part of what makes me an excellent dominant, and person besides.

One of the most important things any man does is decide what kind of man he will be. It is clear that I am a gentle man, one who loves and nurtures. I could not be more pleased by this. Not only do I consider them good traits for a man to have; but in a society where masculinity is so frequently measured by aggression, I have the opportunity to present a different kind of masculinity. Neither more nor less legitimate, but merely an example that there are as many kinds of masculinity as there are men.

Chronic stuff

Sorry I've been kind of absent. Despite having a lot to talk about, I've been physically very worn down and in a lot of pain recently. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I am disabled with chronic illnesses, well, they've been getting the best of me these last couple of weeks. Hopefully I will pick up soon. :)

One Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of my collaring the boy.

It doesn't feel like it! It feels like perhaps a few months have passed. This last year has just flown by.

I'm very happy with my boy. We've had very few problems, and the ones we've had have all been minor and easily solved with some simple communication and brainstorming.

We have a couple of rituals, but not many - it turns out that we're not as high protocol as we think we are. But the little rituals we do have are very cherished.

We've been together almost four years now, and officially D/s for one of those years. It sometimes feels like a dream in how easy it all is. We are so well matched for each other.

There's a joke in the D/s scene that 1 D/s year is equal to 3 vanilla years in relationships. I think there is something to that, because I feel that D/s relationships probably burn a little hotter than vanilla ones (thus, problems will appear sooner, be bigger deals). Intensity is a wonderful thing but too much of it cuts things short very quickly.

Boy and I do not have a particularly intense relationship. That might sound like a criticism at first, but it's truly not - it's actually wonderful. We are relaxed and happy in our relationship. We love each other dearly, and I feel that we don't take each other for granted at all. We spread the intensity over each moment of the day.

I feel like my D/s relationship with my boy is only just getting started. I think we have many more happy years ahead of us, where we will both grow and learn and enjoy each other as much as we have done this past year - or indeed, this last four years.

And I can't wait for the adventure to continue.

Chores

I have made a decision. And more interestingly, I've made a decision that affects the boy without consulting him about it.

First, the decision - I've decided I'm going to hire a cleaner. Once a fortnight, perhaps once a week if I can afford it.

The reason is that while the boy is happy to do most of the chores around the house, it's clear that it's just that little bit too much for him to handle. It's making him cranky and eating all his spare time. And while he's got a handle on the stuff that he has no wriggle room for - his daily chores - the stuff that just need doing every so often isn't working out so well, even though we're sort of trying a system. It's clear that it's becoming a problem.

This is something boy and I talked about when we were in the process of moving in together. Being disabled, I can't do many chores, and I was hesitant to ask him to keep the house clean as his entire responsibility. This is because I was worried that he might come to resent it. He hasn't come to resent it, and he very much enjoys serving me... but all the cleaning is eating into his spare time, and it is eating into time he could be spending on improving his life, or at the very least, time he could be spending giving attention to me. :P

So while I know the boy doesn't mind doing all the chores himself, I'm no longer okay with it. I stress about it a lot, worry that he's going to start resenting me any second now, worry that he's pushing himself too hard, worry about everything. So I've decided to hire a cleaner.

It's a perfect solution, because it doesn't remove his daily chores, but it does ease up on all the other bits and pieces that stress me out and make his life harder.

Now normally, when you make a decision that affects someone, you talk to them about it. But I haven't mentioned this to boy yet. Partially because this was a decision I literally made overnight, and I haven't seen him yet since making it. (I will, of course, talk to him about it when he gets home from work.)

But the big reason is because this is non-negotiable, as far as I'm concerned. Him doing all the chores is upsetting me, and it's something that's easily fixed. I'm not going to ask him to put money towards it (though he is allowed to), and as I said, it doesn't affect his daily routines.

But it's something that has to happen, for me to be happy. So I could discuss it with him first, but the outcome is going to be the same. So I've just cut out the middle part and made the decision. We'll still talk about it, but unless he has some extremely impressive reason against it, it's going to happen.

Also, as his Daddy, and as head of this house... this exactly the kind of thing that I have the authority to make decisions about.

And you know, if for some strange reason this is a problem and we have a fight... well, we get to flex our conflict resolution skills, and I'll have something else to write about. :)

What a weekend.

Where to even begin?

I was doing demonstrations at the Kinky Fetish Demonstration stall at Sexpo all day on Friday and Saturday - I was supposed to go back on Sunday but I pulled a muscle and couldn't do so. It was fantastic - it was basically just like a long play party, I got to hang out with people I adore and do lots of fun things. It was just so much fun.

It made me realize that while I have very little showmanship, I do enjoy having people view my work and watch me do things. There's a line between "performance" and "demonstration" and I definitely fall on the demonstration side - but I still feel greatly energized by an audience and I enjoy having them there. A little nervous too, but in a good way - that kind of nervous you get when you know you're doing something awesome, and that people are enjoying you in return.

Sunday was Hooked Up, a hook suspension event. I was honoured to be a part of a spiritual pull, the ground for some energy work and the rigger for the rope suspension side of the pull. I rigged a lovely woman to a pulley system, and then our minotaur for the hour, with hooks through his back, pulled her up into the air. It was a very beautiful thing that I was just so pleased to be a part of.

Hook suspension events are the closest thing I have to a church, I think. The energy and the emotion that flies around at those things is so intense, it's incredible. I feel connected to everything and everyone at them, a truly spiritual experience just by sharing a space with so many brilliant people pushing themselves to the edge. Just wonderful.

I feel like I should have more to say about my weekend considering how intense and huge it was, but that's all the basics, and it's pretty difficult to put feelings into words when that's all they are and they're not anchored to much else. This weekend was fantastic, and it's everything I want and love my life to be.

Huge week/weekend

Busy time for me, these coming days!

I'm going to be doing demonstrations at Sexpo on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday I'm also going to Hooked Up and helping with what is going to be a really amazing pull/suspension.

I'm sure I'll have things to report once it's all over, assuming I'm not dead from exhaustion :)

Leatherfolk are Awesome.

Not much has been happening, really, which is why the blog's been somewhat quiet. Last night the boy and I attended the monthly Melbourne Leather Dinner. It had a slightly different format to usual, with people socializing over food and then there was a short presentation from a Leatherboy about what being a Leatherboy means to him. It was a good change in format, and it was a good presentation with some good discussion. An excellent night.

I'm actually a very shy person, and so while I always spend a little while in any community feeling a little odd and like I don't belong, I feel that in the Leather community that's okay, and I'm allowed to be a little shy. People are kind and pleasant without expecting much of you in return, which makes it a very nice break from most social engagements where I'm conscious at all times of the need to keep a hold on my social skills and make use of them.

My favourite thing about this little community of people is that there is no strict "this is what Leather is and if you aren't that, you aren't Leather" attitude. Certainly the requirement for HILT (Honesty, Integrity, Loyalty, and Trust) is there, but that's something I find easy to work with, since it's been instilled in me both from my family and my Sensei, and it's something I choose to cultivate in myself as well. But it was even stated explicitly last night that you can take and leave what does and doesn't work for you, and I appreciate that, because that is how I work. I'm not so much into blindly following dogma.

I don't wear my leather vest to MLD events, mostly because I feel like while that vest has tremendous meaning to me, that may or may not be acceptable to the others in the community there. Yet - now, I am feeling like perhaps it's okay, and maybe I'll wear my vest to MLD in future.

Interesting

Just sent an email off to Princess, and for the first time I signed off as "Daddy" instead of writing my name.

I don't know (or really mind) if it means anything, and I don't know what in my head changed to make the switch, but I thought it was interesting.

Common Flags & Why Hunter Green Is One Of Them

Flagging (that is, the hanky code) is alive and well amongst the queers in Melbourne, especially in the Leather scene. I can't comment on the gay Leather scene as I'm not welcome in most gay Leather spaces, being an intersex trans man.

But, even amongst the queer circles that I do move in, flagging is in no danger of dying out. While we may not need to worry about being covert about our desires so much any more, flagging is a uniquely queer way of talking about our sex and our desires. Even when it's not used as a way of cruising, flagging here is a signal of solidarity; a sign that says, "I'm queer and kinky, just like you".

And, yes, it does still work as a cruising device and conversation starter as well - heck, I started talking to Princess when I first noticed her flagging hunter green on her right (looking for daddy).

Now, the problem with flagging is that it's not always obvious whether someone is flagging or whether they're just wearing something they like, fashion wise, so I'm limiting this discussion generally to kink and queer spaces, where flagging generally is flagging. As much as I enjoy having a quiet chuckle when I see alt kids wearing their bandannas and wondering if they know what they're saying about themselves, I'm smart enough not to actually assume they're flagging.

The most common form of flagging I see around me is the leather wrist strap form; simply denoting whether someone is a top or a bottom. Ear piercings are also very common, but are usually a joint flagging-and-fashion sort of decision. Keys on the right or left are common in Leather circles, but not in generic queer circles.

When you get to actual hankies, that's where things get interesting. I've been watching the people around me and looking for their hankies since... well, since I found out about the hanky code when I was about sixteen, really. And I've definitely noticed that some flags are more common than others.

There are three colours that I see at least once a month, flagged on either side:

Black (heavy S&M) is by far the most popular. In Leather circles, usually means "heavy pain". In generic queer circles, usually means "into pain", or as a general kinky signifier.

Red (fisting) is another that I see everywhere, probably more common in generic queer circles than Leather circles though.

And the final one is one I want to talk about a little more in this entry: hunter green, meaning either "daddy" on the left or "looking for daddy" on the right.

I see hunter green everywhere in kink and queer circles. And I have a theory on why it's so popular.

Hunter green (and its lesser known sister, mint green, meaning "mummy/looking for mummy") isn't signifying an act, like most of the hanky code. Hunter green is signifying a desire for a certain type of relationship. Hunter green is signalling a part of your identity, a type of dynamic you enjoy and are seeking.

Hunter green is looking for something more than just kinky sex.

And I think that's why it's so common. It's not just laying some sex act out and saying that you want to do it. "Daddy" and "boy" or "girl" have so many meanings, so many different ways to do it... hunter green is saying "let's talk, let's get to know each other".

While there are other flags looking for types of people (all types of people, everything from bears to sailors to musclemen to drag queens), none of those have the same feel of looking for a certain dynamic. The only thing that could come close would be silver lame, which is about being/wanting to fuck celebrities.

I think it would be excellent if we had flags for other types of dynamics too, and I believe some folk have tried to start them (though I can't think of any examples off the top of my head) but nothing has caught on.

Another interesting thing about flagging is that there are a few differences between Leather culture and queer culture.

I see a lot more (almost all in fact) people flagging as a switch in queer circles, where in Leather people either flag what they're looking for right then, their general orientation, or the role they're playing at the time (that is, a Leather switch might still flag left or right if they're with their top or bottom).

The number of flags is also interesting. In queer circles, the more the merrier. Princess blogs over at flagging opinicus rampant, where their tagline is "there's no such thing as over-flagging", and that's a pretty common idea amongst queers. Flag everything, flag everything you are and everything you desire.

In Leather? God, no. Such a faux pas, you have no idea. Flagging more than two hankies at once is Just Not Done in Leather. You keep it simple, you keep it important.

Personally? I admit to being slightly more towards the Leather attitude in this. I don't mind what others do, but I will never flag more than two, and I do always feel a little bit funny when I see people flagging with more than two. I guess I feel a bit like it's a quality over quantity issue. I may blog more about this in the future sometime.

[Edit] If you like, come join us on twitter to talk about flags & the hanky code. Hashtag, #hankycode.

Communication Comes In Little Bits Too

Tonight as I put the boy to bed, he asked me, "How is this living together thing working out for you?"

It caught me a little off guard, and I answered honestly that it's going really well, and that even though there are a couple of problems, they're not relationship problems, and they'll ease and sort themselves out fairly easily and soon, I think.

Boy often has to be coaxed into communicating, so I was very, very pleased to have him initiate something like this.

It also reminded me that the little strokes of communication are just as important as the big ones. I hadn't given much thought to the question until the boy asked it.

What This Blog Is For

So, a little about this blog.

I started this blog for two reasons.

The first was that I ask my boy to write a weekly blog so that I can know where he is with things, how he's feeling about our relationship, and get an insight into him and so on and so forth. It's a common thing for dominants to ask our submissives to do - to keep a journal.

I figured, if we ask for such transparency from our submissives, why shouldn't we also be transparent in our thoughts and feelings, in a similarly easy to digest and access sort of way? I have little desire to be the mysterious dom in a dark corner that just barks orders and never reveals anything about themselves. I like to think of myself more as a lover who can bring you to trust me by proving I am worthy of that trust; a rakishly handsome rogue who smiles a lot and still makes you melt; a hero who takes you on as his sidekick; a teacher and guide who can take you to the places you want to go (and others where you should go, even if you don't want to).

In short, communication and transparency is a valuable tool in all relationships. So I started this blog to be transparent to my partners, to let them see inside my brain on issues about BDSM, Leather, relationships, love, and all that other nonsense. :)

The other reason I started this blog is much more simple. There are very few BDSM/Leather lifestyle blogs written by dominant men.

I don't know why. I see lots of blogs by submissives, slaves, boys, girls, bottoms, femme dommes, Mistresses, female switches, etc. But for some reason we male dominants don't seem to want to write about ourselves.

So I started this blog also to add a dominant male voice to the internet. I don't claim to speak for all dominant men (far from it, actually, I think I'm quite different from a lot of them), but I'm not claiming to be the definitive anything. I'm just me, a young man making his way in Leather and alternative relationships, and writing about them.

I mention all this for two reasons. The first is that while I've mentioned this sort of thing before, never so blatantly. These are the reasons my blog exist, and remain the most important reasons to me.

The other reason is that I just found the 'stats' option on my blogger dashboard and have found out that aside from the 30+ subscribers I have, this blog tends to get around 100 hits a week. Which came as a bit of a shock. Adding this to the fact that the lovely Jey has nominated my post about community and caring for the Bloggers Who Make You Think List, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not just posting random nonsense from my brain just for the sake of my lovers and a couple of friends, but some of you actually read this thing. :P

So, while it won't be intentional, this knowledge will shape how I write in my blog a little bit over the coming months. Who knows, I might even plan something for my 100th post.

But I wanted to post about my reasons for this blog. They're the most important reasons and they're the reasons I continue to post. So if you ever wonder what this blog is all about... it's about that. It's being communicating with my partners, and showing that male doms are humans after all. :)

Intersex Awareness Day

I wrote and posted this originally on facebook. But it's close enough to heart and an important enough issue that I'm posting it here as well, despite the fact it has nothing to do with Leather or BDSM. Please forgive my indulgence.

~~~

So, apparently today is Intersex Awareness Day.

So here tis.

I'm intersex. I didn't know this until relatively recently in my life. I only found out while I was trying to medically transition, only to find out that I can't.

I'm a person.

Intersex people are not freaks or hermaphrodites. We are not "one in a million". We are more like one in a thousand, and that's conservatively. It's more likely that we're one in a hundred.

We can be men, women, both, or neither in identity. We can be cis or we can be trans. We can be straight, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual.

We exist.

When, during discussions on gender, sex, and/or intersex, you say things like "oh, but they're so rare, they don't count", you are being a douchebag. We count. There are millions of us. Just because we don't fit into your narrow ideas of how the world works does not mean that we don't count. The irony is that this sort of comment often comes from people who believe they're critical thinkers, logical people who work with evidence and facts rather than ideas or concepts.

We are people, and we are everywhere. You don't know if someone you know is intersex. You don't know if someone you're talking to is intersex. You only know if we tell you - and a lot of us don't come out, because it's a dangerous world out there to come out about being intersex.

So, on intersex awareness day, I'd like you to firstly, be aware of intersex people. We're real. Secondly, I'd like you to not be a douchebag about intersex people, for the rest of your life.

If you can do those two things, you'll make the world a much better place. And you'll be a decent person, which is its own reward.

~~~

And just to clarify, for those who know little to nothing about me otherwise; I'm an intersex man, an intersex trans man to be exact. So the blog title, "Diary of a Leatherman" is entirely true. Just a little less complicated. :)

Right vs. Left

There's a lot of discussion in Leather as to whether the submissive should walk/stand on the left or the right of the dominant. I don't really know if I believe in one true way for this, I think whatever works for people is fine. But anyway, that's not what this is about.

I often prefer to have my submissive on my left side. It just feels more natural, or better, or something, I don't know. I just know it's what I prefer.

Today I had a lightbulb moment which explained why!

At karate (which as I'm sure you all remember, is practically my base for my life in Leather) we were lined up in a very specific order. Sensei at the front of the class, of course, and then we were lined up grade by grade, from left to right. Those who were of a lower grade than you, were always on your left.

So in my formative adolescent years, I had already learned that those lower than you in the chain were on your left, and those higher on your right. It's unsurprising that that subconsciously stuck around even long after I had to leave karate! :)

Laziness & Life Coaches

The boy has been struggling with laziness his whole life, from what he tells me. A bright boy from a young age, he was labelled as "gifted" as a child and thus began to learn the kinds of things that "gifted" kids learn. When I say that, I don't just mean advanced mathematics and such, but the social pressure and expectations that go with being "gifted".

He began to learn that it didn't take much effort to succeed at the tasks adults set for him. He began to learn that people liked you and were nice to you if you were good at something. He began to learn that being smart was valued, and thus his value was in his intelligence, not in his intrinsic worth. In short, as a child, he learnt that the way to live life was to only do the things you are good at, and to only do them to the bare minimum of effort.

It doesn't sound like a very leatherboy way to think, does it? And the truth is that the boy has been struggling against this ideas for his adult life. He often mentions that once he got past the first few years in university, he suddenly realized that he had to actually put effort into his work now, because all the students were reaching the same level of expertise, and the expectations were higher than the bare minimum.

The last couple of years has seen a slightly different struggle; not one of the intellect as such, but one that does require some thinking and some work. The balance of work life versus social life. Were the boy a woman, he would be having the struggle that is often named, "the desire to have it all". The good job, the good relationship, the good friends, the good family.

It's certainly a balancing act to work at, something that does take some effort. And that's where the boy has been faltering lately.

One of the wonderful things about D/s (and all relationships, as was pointed out to me on facebook) is the cycle of built-in life coaching that comes with it. When I see a problem in the boy's life, I can either take steps to fix it myself or (more likely) encourage, push and lead the way for the boy to fix it himself. And the absolutely wonderful part of it is that it's not unwanted; it's not me being an overbearing partner, it's me fulfilling my role in our relationship. Boy needs a loving and firm hand to guide, and I need a caring and gentle soul to support. That is our cycle.

So I see an imbalance and we talk about it. I don't just start throwing orders about willy-nilly, I need to know what's going on inside the boy's head and heart before anything can be done. Assumptions are bad. Communication is good. To put it simply. :)

So we've done quite a bit of talking about this over the last few weeks and I'm finally starting to come to a place where I'm beginning to understand his problems, which means I can start putting together definitive plans to push him to improve, as a person and as a boy.

Anyway, that's a whole lotta preamble to actually get to the meat and bones of the practical stuff. After all this blog is meant to be about the practical, tangible stuff as well as the thinky theory stuff.

So, boy is struggling to keep his social life afloat. Most of the friends he spends his time with recently have been my friends instead of his. So I discussed a few options to him, and this is what we did:

* He went through his facebook list and wrote a list of all the friends he wants to catch up with and see more.

* We then put those friends into groups, one group for friends he'll go visit, one group for friends he'll invite over for a little games day, and one group for friends he'll invite to take part in monthly roleplaying games.

* Today his task is to email the people in the roleplaying game list and gauge their interest, finding out what they want to play and what day of the month works for everyone.

I'm determined that he will have social interaction with his friends at least once a month, minimum. Hopefully more, which shouldn't be too hard if the roleplaying game is monthly, and we can still find time for him to go visit people or have them visit him.

Being a Daddy, or a Sir, or any Dominant type, is great because you get to poke at your boy or sub or whatnot, you get to make them make you drinks and do horrible things to them in the bedroom. But it's also great because it's a form of life coaching. You get to help someone fulfil their potential, and that's a wonderful position to be in.

Happy Belated Birthday, Blog!

Apparently two days ago was this blog's 1st birthday!

The reason I didn't notice this was because I kept feeling like this blog was barely six months old. I still feel like *I'm* so new to Leather (and I am, having only identified as Leather for... well, if the blog is a year old, probably somewhere around two years? Honestly I can't even remember right now, I'm not very good with dates anyway).

I feel like I should do something to celebrate, but I can't think of anything, heh. This would be much easier if I were a monetized blog, then I could run a competition or give something away or something. I guess if you're in Melbourne and you'd like to get tied up or something, I can offer that.

This reminds me that in about a month and a half it will be the first anniversary of my officially collaring the boy. What a strange thought. It feels both much longer and much less time than that has passed, simultaneously.

Another milestone; on New Years the boy will have completed his full year of orgasm denial. How terribly proud of him I am! And how well he has learned the lesson that sometimes it can be dangeous to tell Daddy your fantasies... because he *will* make them happen.

Well, I must say that life is going splendidly, and I think the saying "the first year of many to come" applies as much as ever.

What happens when two very different people get into a relationship with each other.

Boy and I are very different people. Boy thrives under routine and structure, he excels when he has a direct path to follow. I, on the other hand, get depressed and anxious under structure, I need flexibility and spontaneity in my life in order to thrive.

So what happens when two people so different are in a relationship with each other?

Well, it's complicated, and it takes a little extra self awareness and work. I bring this up because in the process of moving house, a few things have come up. I've given boy leeway on pretty much all of his usual routines (such as bedtime and going to gym three days a week, etc) because, well, we were moving! Stuff goes chaotic! It's silly to even try to keep a routine, right?

But for the boy, it has actually had a somewhat detrimental effect. See, the boy is the type of person that if you give him some wriggle room, will wriggle and wriggle until the original restriction is completely gone. If he doesn't have to do something, he simply won't at all (whereas if I don't have to do something, I'm more likely to, if I have to do something I end up procrastinating).

I was only barely aware of this happening (like I said, lots of stress), so I was very grateful when the boy expressed a dissatisfaction with the level of structure and discipline in his life. Though he understands that I think the way I do and do the things I do out of love and kindness, the actual results are not kindness for him, but rather a problem. He gets lazy and tired and can't be fucked doing anything, he needs a push to keep things on track.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that people are different! I struggle with how the boy works because it's so alien to me, but it's how he is and I wouldn't change him.

At any rate, I just have to remind myself every now and then that what is good for me is not necessarily what is good for the boy, and vice versa.

We've put his current restrictions back in place, with all-important consequences. After all, no consequences means no real motivation.

If you're curious these are his current rules:

* On work nights, be in bed by 11pm.
* On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, go to the gym before work in the morning.
* On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, do the dishes before going to bed.

If he misses gym or dishes, it has to be done the next day, thereby leaving him two big things to do on that day, and to do one thing two days in a row, which is an annoying enough consequence to keep his motivation high - and as an added bonus for me, I don't even have to do anything in terms of punishment or anything like that :) (I can't imagine the boy would miss things more than one day at a time, he's simply not like that. I suppose if he did we'd have to work out some punishment, but honestly I can't see it happening.)

Bed time is a little harder, I will probably start enforcing weekend naps or an earlier night the followig night to make up for time he's lost if he misses bedtime much.

Seeking (Crosspost from Fetlife)

We have the internet again! Huzzuh!

In lieu of anything else, here's a journal entry I just posted on Fetlife:

~~~

Almost a year ago, a bit over two years since a pretty hard breakup, I began opening myself up for further... people. I say people instead of "family" or "partners" or anything like that because it's always been a little vague. It wasn't that I was looking for anything, more that I was open to receiving it.

(Not long after that a princess gracefully slinked into my life, and I'm ever so happy she did.)

Recently I've closed off a little again, stating simply that my dance card is full (and so it is). I'm looking forward to the hassle of moving being over with so that I can actually get things together and dedicate the time and energy to my relationships that they deserve.

So I find myself here, generally unavailable romantically (at least as a primary) at the moment, but still with that little bit in my soul that's looking, waiting, seeking.

I know damn well what that part of my soul is seeking, it's seeking the one that's missing, seeking the submissive/slave/property that slots in this place I already have for them, a part of my immediate family.

It's not about having a harem, it's about getting certain needs met. There are emotional parts of me that have not been exercised in some years, parts of me that ache when they are not in use. Previously all my needs were met by one person, but then that changed (for both of us), and since then, there's been this part of my soul that has been withering a little, as all my other needs are met beautifully by the wonderful people in my life. But still there's that little piece that aches and sighs and longs.

I read a lot of journal entries by slaves/subs/etc who feel a craving in their soul for their place, and their Master/Owner/etc, and there are many comments from others nodding their heads and saying they understand, and it's normal. I so rarely see the other side of that coin; the D-types among us who feel a craving deep in our souls to own, love, shape, dominate, in such a way that is not being met by our current situation. But I find myself here in that situation, and I'm expressing it, because I think expression is healthy and sometimes helpful to others.

I know this is all a little disjointed, it's very hard to try and discuss this without sounding like I'm doing a disservice to my present relationships. There is not a thing I would change about my current relationships, except perhaps on my end (that is, I do wish I had more health/time/energy to spend on these relationships and with the people in them). My relationships, as they are, are going swimmingly, evolving organically and lovingly. As I said, it's not about having a harem. I've been circumstantially monogamous before and been quite happy, because my needs were met. Though I have more relationships now, there are needs and desires within me that are not being met.

OK, I'm going to stop being defensive now and move on.

Anyway, it's tough to admit to myself that I am seeking something or someone at the moment, because as I said I don't have a lot of time at the moment. I'm very busy getting my life in order in this new incarnation, so even if the perfect person came along I'm not sure I'd even notice. But how to control the cravings, you know? How to tell the beast in my belly to calm down, we will find someone when we have the time and space?

Trying to walk the line is difficult, trying to make sure not to bite off more than one can chew, as it were.

At the moment, writing this journal entry calms the beast. I can trick it into believing that I'm doing something pro-active about finding the one that calms it. When really I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

I know what I'm looking for when I'm finally available to look. But it's complicated and rare and I don't even know if I will find it, or even how I would express it and capture the attention of the right person if I did.

About a year ago I wrote an open letter to my future [blank], stating simply that I didn't know who or what they were, but I loved them, but wasn't necessarily ready to receive them yet. I feel a bit like that now - I know you're out there, and though I'm not in the right moment to receive you, I will do my damned best should you find me or I find you.

Should we find each other before I (or you) are ready, there is still a place for you here, a place of love and joy and family. Hopefully you'll see it and approach it, because I may be so busy that I may not see you. Forgive me if this is so, and I give you pre-emptive permission to whack me over the head by announcement of your presence. Goodness knows it sometimes takes that anyway, with me.

Moving House Sucks

Haven't forgotten you, blog, but we've moved into our new house and we are still not unpacked and still have no internet. Will be a few more days until I'm in any way back to normal.

Bloggy Things

I've been thinking about this blog, and my approach to blogging.

I don't blog here as if I am writing articles. This is not meant to be some definitive example of behind-the-scenes of Leather or kink, nor is it particularly meant to make people think, or have any influence whatsoever.

I blog here as a diary. Because that is also the name of the blog - Diary of a Leatherman. Because that is what it is.

This is just a chronicle of one soul's journey. This is just me plonking my thoughts and experiences into the internet. I'm not trying to prove anything or show anything in particular. This blog is really more for me than it is for any audience.

The reason I initially made this blog is still relevant: there are a lot of blogs out there by submissives of all genders, about their journey, and there are a good number of blogs by Mistresses and femme dommes as well. But there is a very, very small number of blogs by dominant men, about our lives.

Very few of us write about how we feel, what we think, what goes on within us. Those that do tend to blog tend to be very external bloggers, who write more about things that happen rather than what's bubbling beneath their skin. I want to write about all of it, the good the bad and the ugly, and what goes on inside my head.

So I'm not blogging this as if it were a zine or something. I'm blogging this as a record of this part of my life. It may bring some interest or light to those seeking answers, or it may not, I am fine with both of those things. Either way, I will have something to look back on in some years to see where I was and how I was feeling about this step of my journey.

Power Imbalances

So, boy is submissive and I am dominant. In short, I'm the boss.

But is it that simple?

I'm on a pension, and boy works full time and earns a decent wage.

One of the biggest problems in people's relationships is money. Whether it's joint money that no one can agree on what to spend it on, or the power imbalance of one partner making substantially more money than the other does.

I sometimes ponder on how this power imbalance affects our deliberate power imbalance. Sometimes I fear it has more bearing than the D/s does. Sometimes I think it's irrelevant. I guess like all things, it changes and shifts with time.

At the moment, I'm acutely aware of the power imbalance, as we're moving house. Moving house costs *money*, and a lot of that money will come from the boy. Also, the house we are moving into costs a lot of money, and the boy is paying slightly more rent than I am. Thus, he also gets the master bedroom, and I get a small bedroom that I'm barely going to fit my bed in.

Now, while the D/s exists and I could go, well, I'm the Daddy, therefore I get the master bedroom... the money power imbalance complicates it. Yes, I could do that. But it could spawn resentment from the boy - and resentment is a BAD thing to have in a relationship. It is poison.

Financial power imbalance makes balancing consensual power exchanges difficult. It requires a lot more balancing and juggling than a D/s relationship between two people of similar economic classes would.

So as it stands, at the moment the D/s is slightly less important than all the other stuff in our life. We have to work out money and logistics and move ourselves. Now, this can be a pitfall in D/s relationships - you just wave your hand and go, whatever, we'll work it out later, and before you know it you've lost the D/s connection. I am a little afraid of this but I know we will make it work.

What *does* worry me is that if we balance the financial power imbalance too well, will *I* start to feel resentment for the lack of balance in the D/s? I guess we'll see. I am not perfect, after all. If I start to feel that resentment, I will a) communicate it to the boy and b) work out some kind of solution to make me feel that my position as leader and head of the family is not under threat, nor is it being ignored.

Moving

Last entry was my 50th entry. I didn't even notice. There you go. I think it's fitting, somewhat.

Anyway.

Today the boy and I signed a lease! We were accepted for a lovely little home in Braybrook, which we fell in love with as soon as we walked into it. It's beautiful and I know we'll be happy there. I'm already making plans for the dungeon. :)

So now there's just another maybe month of madness, and then we can settle down and start having a nice relaxed sort of life again. I'm looking forward to that; there's been a bit too much excitement in my life recently.

What's it LIKE?

A question I've had aimed at me is "What's it LIKE to be in a D/s relationship?"

Not usually asked by vanilla folk, actually. Usually asked by folk who are kinky, or think they are kinky, who desire D/s relationships, or think they do, but they're not sure... people who want to know what it's like not just out of curiosity, but because they think they might like it too.

I never know how to answer. I usually say something like "it's good" or something equally stupid.

It's 1am here at the moment so I don't expect this entry to answer the question properly right now either. But I want to think about out loud it a little.

What is it like?

It's... secure. It's very secure. You know where things are. You know the rules, not because they're built by society and trained into you by magazines and schoolyard gossip, but because you've talked about it and figured it out together.

It's... fun. It's like getting to play games all day every day with your best friend.

It's hard. It's hard because you need to talk about EVERYTHING. It's hard because you are intentionally creating a power imbalance, so you have to somehow find a way to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. It's hard because sometimes you just want to say "fuck it" and watch movies together and not have the D/s exist.

It's also hard because you have to know yourself. You have to know as much as you can about yourself. Your strengths, yes, your needs, definitely... and your weaknesses, absolutely. You need to be able to handle your weaknesses. That's probably the hardest bit, and not something I always succeed at (I am still very young, after all, everything is still practise).

It's sexy. It's all your wet dreams come to life, and that's fucking amazing.

It's fulfilling. When you were a kid, didn't you want to be kind of bad ass? Being in a D/s relationship makes you kind of bad ass. And you know what? Being bad ass is fucking awesome.

That's kind of what it's like. It's like being a happy, secure, sexy, satisfied, self-actualized, challenged, excited, hot and horny bad ass. And that's awesome.

Who Does the Cooking?

A common assumption in D/s and M/s groups on Fetlife is that the sub/slave does all the cooking and cleaning.

Me and the boy don't do that. The boy certainly does do all the cleaning (as much as I'd like to say he does "most" of the cleaning, the truth is that he does it all, and he does it all with excellence - the hyperbole and a half comic "clean ALL THE THINGS" applies to him frequently) but cooking is MY ARENA.

I really enjoy cooking. It's meditation for me, and it feeds both people's tummies and my own desire to nurture the living hell out of everyone. Plus, I am good at it.

I don't find cooking to be an innately submissive act, as it is sometimes discussed as. In my case, how could it be? I am literally controlling the food that nurtures my subs. I generally have the control over the shopping list as well, the authority is mine.

You know that old trope of a mother in the kitchen, waving the wooden spoon because her kids are getting under foot, so she chases them out? That's me.

The phrase "get out of my kitchen" is occasionally barked. If I am asked "how can I help?" I tell them "sit there and look pretty".

The kitchen is MY place.

... At least until washing up time, then it's my sub's place.

(I'm quite turned on by the idea of a sub chained in the kitchen to do the cleaning... but the practicality always bugs me; what if I want to cook while they're in there? They'll be in the way!)

Thinky Thoughts About Community & Caring & Stuff

This entry is not really about D/s and Leather and BDSM. But this *IS* about community.

A couple of dear friends and I have been busy discussing things recently. Without going into too much detail (as it is still a work in progress), we are formulating a plan to help ease homelessness in a particular marginalized group. The ease will only be slight, as it is a group of us who are also members of this particular marginalized group that are organizing it. The plan so far seems to mostly involve setting up a formal network of sharehousing and private crisis accommodation (that is, just people who have a spare room who are willing to care for those who have nowhere to stay for a short time).

I give this information not because I'm trying to give away our secrets, but because this is the foundation for what I'm going to talk about in this entry.

So. The boy and I are looking for a house to move in together and settle down and all that jazz. One of the things we are looking for in houses we inspect is a spare room that we can put an extra bed and a chest of drawers in, and thus have crisis accommodation for homeless folk in our network. This is extremely important to us; perhaps even more so for me, as I have been homeless myself in the past.

We already have a waiting list of people who are either homeless and have nowhere to go, and just people who are looking to move out of their current place but don't have many options.

In discussing much of the details, I began thinking today about where we would put one person in particular.

This person has a checkered past to say the least, and there are a lot of people who do not trust this person. Some attempts have been made to socially ostracize this person, and I can understand those attempts, though I do not share in them myself (I am in fact friends with this person, but I will come to that in a moment).

One of the sharehouses is not suitable for this person as there is a present social connection involving bad blood, and that is fine. These things happen, and I don't expect anyone to go above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. This network only works if everyone is comfortable and safe and enthusiastic about it.

The other (possible) sharehouse may also not work, as it is a no-pets house and the person in question has a pet.

So that leaves my crisis room, when I finally have one. And that's great, that is why I am planning to have one. From there we can help set up new sharehouses, etc. And I absolutely will welcome this person into my home, because they need it, and because they are my friend.

I know of their past, however, I believe in second chances and redemption, and I have watched this person try their best to improve. I consider them a friend, and I do care for them and have faith in them, despite their past actions. I think social isolation through ostracism is actually quite dangerous, and often only makes things worse. After all, why would someone improve if they are already outcast? Why would they seek to better themselves when no one will allow them to try, or believe in them? Why would they rehabilitate when rehabilitation is not encouraged, welcomed, or even allowed?

So while I do not expect anyone who was wronged to give anything of themselves, I am in a position that I can both care for this person, care for my community, and get a good friend out of it at the same time. It appears to be a win-win situation.

But unfortunately things are complicated.

Today I realized that should this person live with me, things get complicated. Some of my friends may not come visit me if they are living there. Some people may judge me, look me up and down with wide eyes and go "But don't you know what they did?".

I understand these things. I do not begrudge anyone these emotions or actions.

However, I will not change my mind on this course of action.

Caring for our community means caring for all of it. Looking after each other, in a marginalized group, means looking after all of us. Believing that no one deserves to be homeless, means believing that no one deserves to be homeless.

Talking the talk means walking the walk. I care for my fellow people, and I especially care for those who are my brothers and sisters, those who are in the gutter with me and my kind. And if we, as a marginalized group, turn on one of our own, knowing what the rest of the world does to people like us - what does that make us? Where does that leave the person we have thrown out?

While my opinion of this person would be VASTLY different if I did not believe they felt genuine remorse about their past behaviour, I would still try and help them find somewhere to live, even if it was not with me.

Because we are all human. Because we are all community. Because we must love and look after each other if we are to survive.

What Daddies Do Best

Princess came over last night, she's had quite a stressful time recently and not much time to herself. So the first thing I did was put her in a room on her own for a while, to let her breathe and relax a bit. Then I cooked her dinner and gave her lots of cuddles.

She went to sleep in my arms (quite literally, she squirmed and pulled my arms around her until she was pretty much trapped) and every now and then while she was asleep she'd startle a bit and reach up and grab my arms, like she was making sure I was still there. It was pretty cute.

I haven't been sleeping well, so I woke up fairly early for me, and she sort of dozily awoke as well. I made her breakfast and tea and made sure she left early enough to go pick up her passport, which she had to get done today.

About a week ago, my boy (and my best friend) had quite a bad day at work. So when they came home, I suggested we go get something to eat (everyone agreed on KFC) and then I suggested we go to the arcade. Boy went quite happily into boyspace and bounced around the arcade, playing a few different games. I gave him a limit on how much money he could spend, and I looked after coins and supervised while he played, and played games with him when he wanted to play something two player.

We came home and I cuddled the boy a lot, and he went to sleep feeling much better than he had earlier that day. Boy has commented many times that he feels safest and most relaxed in my arms.

Daddies, we do a lot of things. We beat our boys and girls and torment them, tease them, give them orgasms, buy them things, give them orders. But the most important thing we do, I think, is give boys and girls somewhere safe and warm, where they can be themselves and feel good. That's the real gift of a Daddy.

Absent

Been a bit absent, haven't I?

I've been busy, and unfortunately that business interferes with D/s life a lot. Oh, the boy and I have been rumbling along, but I don't have much to report. And I haven't seen the princess in a little while (dear me) but I will be seeing her on Thursday.

I have also been working on my web site a lot, which I will let you know about as soon as it launches :)

A dear friend has asked me to assist him in a complex and beautiful hook pull/rope suspension combination later this year, which I'm very much looking forward to. It will be amazing.

That's all for now... I will do my best to post more in the coming days/weeks. It's just a crazy time at the moment. :)

Family in the Scene

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Being Daddy

Today I was thinking about what it means to be a Daddy... or more specifically, what it means to be so much a Daddy that even people who have no D/s nor parental connection to you sometimes address you as Daddy.

Let's delve into history a bit.

First, not so long ago, I struggled with being identified as a Daddy. I had the "Daddy = incest/child abuse" connection in my head, and even if I battled that down logically, I was still left with a hefty squick factor. I don't know exactly what helped me overcome that (probably desperation, to be honest--trying to find what this relationship with the boy meant to me and how it was supposed to work, trying to find what, exactly, worked for us, etc) but I think a large part of it was also that I began to see that "Daddy" is not always about the paternal parent. Sometimes "Daddy" is someone with authority. Sometimes "the old man" is a mentor, not your actual father. And "father", anyway, is something that we call priests, people who we (generally) assume to be of good and trustworthy character.

And so I began to learn that "Daddy" could mean love and nurture and authority, not a narrow definition in regards to reproduction.

Now let's go a lot further back in history. Let's go back to my childhood and have a look at my mother.

My mother is probably one of the best people in the world. She was (and still is) very kind and very compassionate. She cared for the people and the community around her with great zeal. We had numerous people crashing on our lounge room floor if they had nowhere to go. We had people come round for dinner because they were desperate, hungry, or even just lonely. My mother looked after and cared for everyone, with unconditional love and devotion.

Unsurprisingly, all the people who were connected to my family also began to call her "mum", just like I did, just like my sister did.

Looking back, I'm a little surprised I didn't get jealous. I didn't think "they can't call her that, she's MY mum!". I nodded and understood, because my Mum was everyone's mum, that was just who she was. And as a child, I also knew this: it didn't matter if we all called her mum, because when *I* called her Mum, it had a special meaning that didn't apply to anyone else.

These two things are connected.

For a long time I've been overly concerned with what it means when someone calls me Daddy. While I don't think I was wrong to be, I think that I need to remember the thing I knew as a child: Even if lots of people call me Daddy, my boy and my girl are both saying something different when they say it. They're special.

I think a part of this is lingering worry over the term and its connections. I'm still learning what it means to be Daddy, or rather, I've been under the assumption that I was still learning what it means to be Daddy. Really I've always known, and if people choose to seek that in me then I have no reason to deny them that.

So this is a second coming out, I suppose. I'm a Daddy, that's who I am. It is no longer reserved for only the special ones, but the special ones are still special. I will no longer wince when those who are not mine call me Daddy, because they are simply responding to something that I cannot (and choose not to) change.

(I'm a Sir too, but that's a subject for another post.)

Love, Pressure

Sometimes being a Daddy is a lot like being a father, I suppose.

Last night the boy was feeling upset and anxious, about what we're still not really sure (from what I could coax out of him, it had to do with dwelling on the past somewhat). So I let him have a night off from his curfew. I made him a cup of sleepy tea, gave him some blankets and let him curl up on the couch with me while we watched a Shrek movie. Eventually he felt a little better, so I tucked him back into bed.

Things like that, I don't really feel like they're D/s things at the time, they're just relationship things... and I think that's true, but I think that being in a D/s relationship means that they are D/s things as well. I cuddle and look after my boy because he's my boy, I'm his Daddy, and that's my responsibility.

In the last couple of weeks the boy has been making noises about starting to date again, something that I've been encouraging. He's been feeling more and more toppy recently, and thus needs a sub to play with. One of the things stopping him however is that he isn't really sure what he's looking for - whether he's looking for a relationship or just someone to play with, that sort of thing.

I've been doing what this Daddy does best and asking lots of hard questions to get him to think. Sometimes he gets grumpy and hides under a blanket, insisting that he's hiding from the hardness of all the questions, but of course I chase him when he does this. It's not a case of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, it's about knowing how my boy ticks - and he doesn't think about things in advance, he's very much a go with the flow sort of person. And that's great, as long as you don't have any desires or plans that require thinking ahead.

Anyway, I am definitely encouraging his interest in dating and topping. For a few selfish reasons (I find the idea hot, of course there is something potent about being the top of another top), but also because the boy is innately a switch, and thus I want all sides of him to be well developed and cared for.

Macushla Farm

For two nights' worth of holiday, this week the boy and I headed out to Macushla Farm, which aside from being a lovely BnB in general is also a Fetish BnB.

It was glorious.

I'm not even sure where to start in talking about it. The cabin was amazing (ugh, I love spas more than life), the little touches were charming (the soap smelled wonderful and felt fantastic), the setting was fabulous (alpacas and kangaroos roaming around gum trees), and the delicious play room/dungeon was one of, if not THE, finest I've ever had the pleasure to patronize.

What to talk about what to talk about.

It was lovely to have just space to be with the boy, to enjoy him and being with him. It was lovely to play with him, though we didn't scene particularly hard or for very long, we did little snippets of play all through the day and night. We spent as much time in the dungeon with each other as we did in the cabin.

The dungeon was so perfect, it gave me dreams of what to do with my own. There was so much furniture, so many options, it was a dream. For the first couple of hours I couldn't focus properly, I was like a child in a toy store, just running about and poking everything, getting a feel for it, playing with it. The ambience was perfect and easily customised, with media centre for music and porn/other dvds, and many lighting options.

Ambience is an interesting thing - I usually play in such ambience at clubs etc, as even though I have BDSM furniture at home I haven't had the ambience so much, so I tend to rely on public events for ambience. With a private place like that, I discovered something interesting: I prefer to scene while barefoot.

This is unusual of course because D-types are usually required-by-expectation to be wearing either boots or at least dress shoes while they do their toppy business. But I kicked off my shoes and immediately found myself more at home.

I've mentioned before that so much of who I am as a top is influenced by my history in martial arts, and thus this is probably not much of a surprise. I love my feet, they let me feel where I am, how my body is, and let me channel my movements. All strikes in martial arts eventually come down to your feet - that's why your stance is so important.

Being barefoot made me feel more stable, like I was connected to the ground. It let me control my body better. It let me feel more 'in the moment'. It made me feel more connected to reality. I found my feet slipping back into stances that I haven't used in years, like I'd never stopped.

So that was eye-opening, and once again made me remember that not only is there no One True Way for this kind of thing, but that I'm a little bit of a freak as well - and I kind of like that!

Another thing that came up for me while I was there was this recurring fantasy I have of a kinky "family vacation". Not necessarily to do with Leather family (although I suppose that can't be helped in this situation), but more to do with the idea of the classic "family" idea, and the "family holiday" trope... and then twisting it up a bit.

I love the idea of having a couple of days away to get my kink on, with my 'family'... Daddy with his kids (boys? girls? any number thereof), the slave(s), and of course the family dog...

I don't have slaves or a human dog right now but that doesn't mean the fantasy isn't there!

I don't know why the idea appeals to me so much, but it does. Perverting the normality of your average person's everyday life. Enjoying and relaxing and taking time out with people I care about without needing to restrict my activities to vanilla-friendly ones.

The idea has reseeded in my mind so much I'm wondering if I could get away with organizing something like it for my birthday, which is coming up in a couple of months... I'm sure I could put a personal ad out there seeking a 'family dog' for a couple of days...

All in all I must say Macushla Farm is an absolute MUST for all kinksters who live in or are even passing through Victoria. The only downside about the place is that you need a car to get there!

Thoughts on Orders vs. Inspiration

I am very much into obedient submissives. If I have to fight you to get you to submit, I'm not going to bother. I am not here to fight your inner battles for you.

Lots of dominants are like this, it's not surprising. But I recently realized that I'm not even that big of a fan of giving orders.

Stay with me here. I know you're wondering how there can be obedience without giving orders - after all, obedience implies there's something there to obey. And it's not that I don't have preferences, or that I don't have expectations. It's just the orders themselves that often fall by the wayside.

I *could* beat myself up about this and think of myself as a bad dominant, but I don't think that's what it is. I think it's that I'd rather inspire a submissive to want to do things, instead of just tell them to do them.

I would rather discuss with my boy why it would be a good thing for him to go to the gym twice a week, than simply tell him to do so. I would rather tell him that I enjoy his service, and then reward him when he does it, than to simply boss him around.

Sure, if I want something specific, I will give an order; but it's usually very small things that I do this for. "Fetch my shoes", "refill my glass", things like that. Anything bigger and I would rather open a dialogue about it and find whatever seed it is in a submissive that wants to do whatever I'm after, and draw it out.

Admittedly this entire concept mostly applies to boys and girls and submissives - I do not know if I would take this same approach with a slave, not having yet owned one. I suspect with a slave I would be more likely to give direct orders.

I have owned a girl before, but she was definitely a submissive and not a slave; it might be confusing as to how one can 'own' someone who is not a slave, but it worked for us... I suppose when I think about it I have a similar relationship with my boy, though the words "ownership" or "owned" have never been thrown around, "belongs" and "belonging" and "mine" have been.

The line between "24/7 D/s" and "slavery" is often a little blurry, I suppose.

At any rate, back on subject, most of this does come back to my dislike of "force". I am a very strong believer in autonomy and consent, and while I am perfectly aware that "forced" rarely actually means overriding someone's autonomy, it still makes me a little edgy. I think maybe this is why it might be different with a slave who has agreed to a consensual-non-consent arrangement; the consent has been given in advance, for an explicit period of time. This is differing from my other D/s relationships I have had, where even though I might be the boss, the autonomy and consent of my submissive is not a blanket statement at any point.

I do want to add a slave to my life sometime in the near future; I know it will be difficult to find the slave that is the right fit with me and my family, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere.

Community vs. Shyness

I'm a very shy person.

Quite a few people have laughed at me when I've admitted this in the past, but that's because I'm a complete nerd for social and communication skills, and thus have learned to fake it pretty well so far.

But the truth is, I'm a very shy person. I'm somewhat insecure. A lot of things affect this, mostly from my childhood (ahh, freudian), but that's irrelevant. The point is that I'm shy.

One of the Things(tm) about Leather is that it's very much about community. About being involved, about taking part, about serving and contributing to the community. That is, in fact, something I quite like about Leather, being that I am a bit of a bleeding heart case myself (which is probably why I attract girls and boys more than subs or slaves or other s-types).

But it's hard to get involved when you are shy.

It's not that I don't want to be - it's simply that I am shy. I'm a little afraid. It's also a lot of energy for me to be social, as much as I love it, it can be very draining.

None of this stops me of course - I'm very stubborn and when I decide I'm in something, I'm in, but doing something bravely anyway doesn't stop it from being hard.

I often come off as rather aloof in Leather social situations, because of my shyness. This is not intentional, it's just me struggling with my shyness. Sometimes the way I can deal with it all is to just be there in body, and keep mostly quiet. Other times I may do the opposite - for example, I write this blog, and I made it public. This is a way for me to be present vocally if not physically.

Shyness may not be very becoming in a Leather Sir, but each one of us is also a person, with our own personal struggles. One of mine is shyness.

One of the main things I struggle with is how to be involved with my community when I am shy (and also as a disabled man who cannot always get out to things, and as a trans man who is not always welcome at things). It means I don't make it to a lot of Leather events, and the ones I do make it to, I'm often very quiet, preferring to listen rather than speak (which is actually generally fine by me as I'm like that in most things, shyness or not).

Contribution is a tricky thing. I try and make it work. At present my main attempt at contribution to the Leather community is to try to be the best man I can be, to be kind and courteous, and to set a good example. To care for my fellow Leatherfolk.

And as with all things, of course, one must look to caring for oneself before that care can be turned outwards. This is also something that I've had to consider for the last couple of months, as life as been pretty crazy.

Shyness vs. Community will be an ongoing struggle for me, I suspect, but we don't grow as people without a little challenge!

It's a Girl!

So.

I've been seeing this charming girl for a couple of months now. She is fiery and loud and a spoilt princess, and I rather adore her. She's been asking for a little while if she could call me Daddy, and I've had to think about it.

I've had to think about it because I'm coming from a certain culture that has certain ideas about what that label means. I don't think that the dynamic between her and I necessarily fits into that culture, so it means I have to wiggle my head around a little bit to figure things out.

Nonetheless, I am a brave adventurer and I am willing to figure things out as they go. I don't need to fit myself or my life entirely into any one culture or compartment, so I'm happy to see what forms and where it goes.

(Incidentally, I recently heard the phrase "old guard, new guard, and avant-garde" in regards to Leather and it amused me greatly, and I'm wondering if I should/could perhaps identify that way... but it would probably confuse people, so I'll stick with New Leather.)

At any rate, after some very awkward conversation (both of us seem to think and discuss in rather vague and/or abstract terms) I agreed that she could call me Daddy, and then bought her a leather strap to wear about her neck. We still have a few things to discuss, but they can wait until they come up and can be discussed in more practical, concrete ways.

My boy is very excited for me and is already pestering me about when she's coming around for dinner sometime so he can get to know her better. I'm very blessed to have such a sweet boy.

So, that's the news. I'm a Daddy again (still?), and it's a girl.

Vampire Gloves

You know, for a blog that's supposedly about my everyday life, I don't seem to write much about my everyday life, do I?

Well, let's talk about a play party I went to recently.

A friend of mine gave me loan of his vampire gloves for the evening, he wanted them to be taken out and shown some love. So I had a shiny new toy to play with.

Once there, I really was just playing about with the gloves a little, testing the sensations out on myself and my boy.

Then, magic.

Vampire gloves are clearly made of bondage fairy dust, because women started taking their shirts off, thrusting their bodies on front of me and asking to be touched. Being a terribly considerate person, of course I fulfilled all such requests.

These gloves are wonderful. With very light pressure, the sensation is rather like a very intense tickle. With a little more pressure, they become delicious scratchy tools of pleasure. Once you've stopped, the skin you've been playing with glows red and is extremely warm, which is pleasant enough on its own and even more so if you add some ice to cool it back down.

One lady stood in front of me, and when I asked if she needed to sit she claimed to have "very strong footwork". I took this as a challenge. She writhed and moaned and stood her ground perfectly well as I left scratches all over her chest, however I have a secret weapon. I pushed her arms up in the air and drew the gloves along her tender upper forearm, down to her armpit. Of course this made her giggle and lose her footing :)

The next day she apparently had a delightful sting from a hot shower over her skin.

Now, a while back I promised a princess a pony ride, so also at this party I geared up my boy as a pony and took him for a little walk to see his pony steps.

Oh dear, we really should have done some training beforehand.

The boy definitely needs pony training, but he was fine for one night of rides. So he took not one, but two princesses for a ride, and was then very tired at the end of it. I'm sure with some training he'll be an excellent pony for little girls to ride on, and pony training is definitely being added to the list of things I need to do with him.

The main thing the boy needs training in regard to is both finding his pony headspace (which is something all humanimal players need to find in the beginning) and also his gait. Both of these can be worked on with time and care and lots and lots of play.

It was a really excellent night, I love the Melbourne BDSM community and our events. It's always fantastic fun.

Incidentally, I have also ordered myself my own pair of vampire gloves now. The pleasure they bring to both myself and those I touch while wearing them was certainly worth a little indulgence in my bank account.

Moving On

I think one of the challenges in Leather is to actually stay in a Leather mindset, even when life is against you.

Of course, "real life" (I've never understood that, this *is* my real life) always comes first. But for me Leather is deeply entrenched in the same part of my mind that martial arts used to (and still does to a certain extend) occupy.

You can't turn that off. In regards to martial arts, Sensei used to say "Karate is not a sport; karate is a way of life."

This is of course utterly true and I feel the same thing applies to Leather. Yes, Leather is who you fuck and how you fuck them. But it's also a way of life, a way of seeing the world.

Sometimes that can get a little lost, and we need to take a deep breath and remember where we come from.

I've been very stressed and have been hiding from the world a little in the last few weeks. I feel that time is coming to an end now, however, and I can come out into the sunlight again.

There are things that need my attention; holidays are all well and good but one must come home eventually.

Moving is such a hassle.

I don't have much of anything particularly interesting to blog about right now, my life is a steady stream of packing, moving, organizing, and eating takeaway.

Let's turn our eyes to the near future so that I do have something to talk about.

One of the conditions of me moving in with my boy was that we would get a house with at least three bedrooms. There are a few very boring reasons for this, but the great part of this condition is that it means we will have a dungeon/play room.

It will also have a spare bed in it so it will also double as crash space for when people come over. Fortunately we don't have any friends (that I know of) who aren't aware of our lifestyle, so we don't need to go into the closet about anything. The only slight exception is the boy's family, should they come over, we'll just shut the door and say it's the storage room and it's full of crap.

I'm quite looking forward to this for a multitude of reasons. One, what kinkster doesn't want their very own play room in their home? Two, it means I'll probably get a chance to build some more dungeon furniture that previously I haven't had the room for. At present we already own a St Andrews Cross that I built, and a large dog cage (that I bought off ebay). I'm not sure what the next item will be, it will depend on the room I suppose, but I'm looking forward to figuring it out :)

I'm also liking the idea of having outdoor furniture. We're also planning to have a place with a back yard, and I'd like to think of the back yard as another room of the house. If the fences aren't high enough we'll put up some temporary ones. Then, as well as the regular stuff like a bbq and an outdoor dining set, we can pop a couple of fun items of furniture out there as well.

As with all my reasoning for most of my decorating, it will be great for parties :)

I'm hoping to have more interesting things to blog about soon, dear internets. Perhaps next time I'll blog about something a little more theoretical and thought-provoking than just my kinky decorating plans.

What a month.

My dear readers, if you exist that is, I apologise for disappearing for the last month.

I wish I could explain why, but the truth is that I would have to write a list of all the horrible things that have happened in the last month, and you wouldn't believe it anyway.

Suffice to say there were several crises, and things are definitely looking up now.

In the coming month or two, I will be moving house, which will hopefully not be much of a drama, but may also mean a post every couple of weeks instead of once a week-ish. But I will say, I have lots of things to tell you. So look forward to that.

Presently the boy is asleep in his bed, snoring softly away. I guess this blog has come to mean more to me already than I expected, because I feel very at home, typing away here as he does so.

Ropey Pony

As you may remember, this year I had to cut rope off a bottom.

Since then I've been left with bundles of cut rope not quite long enough to salvage even for much shorter useful lengths. Due to being both a bit of a hippie and dirt poor, I abhor waste.

So I'm recycling.

I'm using this rope to construct a rope bridle for pony play. I'll probably use it to make a tail as well, and anything else that I can think of that can be made with what I have - which I'm sure will be something. I firmly believe that rope can do anything.

Live in D/s

After weeks of discussion (and more to come), the boy and I have decided to move in together, in a few months from now.

It was not something we discussed lightly. We both have a lot of Stuff(tm) about commitment, and live-in relationships. He due to inexperience (he has never lived with a partner before) and I due to baggage (thanks to a truly messy breakup from a few years ago). We're both very independent and need our space - me especially.

In discussing, we've agreed the best option is to find some sort of balance between living with your partner, and just sharehousing with them - even more important when you remember that we are polyamorous, and need the configuration to be comfortable for us and any other partners we bring home.

One thing that I've been worrying about is making the transition from D/s to live-in D/s.

For example, as we live separately, we have our own chores to do in our own houses - and the boy does mine for me when he comes over and I ask/tell him to (or he squirms away and does them without me asking). But when we live together, though, if he does most/all of the chores - will that work as simply as that? I do not want him to resent me for not doing my share.

And what about sleeping habits? Often when the boy stays over at my place, he sleeps in the cage. But I have little desire to see him always sleep in the cage, and even if he did, what would we do with his bed? Where would we *put* the cage, if he was sleeping in it every night? The dungeon? The living room? His room? Not my room, that's for certain - that stubborn "I need my space" feeling cancels that out.

What about slaves? I do want a live in slave at some point, how will we need to negotiate that?

So as you can see, we have a lot to work out. But I'm feeling confident, we're very good at working through our stuff together. I will keep you all posted. :)

Spoilt Rotten

I'm a spoiler. I spoil little girls and boys absolutely rotten.

It grew very easily - a little too easily - out of simply being a very nurturing person. I always have been and I always will be. I doubt I will ever be the sort of stern, strict dominant who makes their slaves' lives exciting sorts of hell.

Instead I prefer to nurture, to cuddle, to love and help grow. I discipline, yes, and I set structure and rules, and I even punish when it's called for. But deep down, I simply adore giving subs cuddles and presents and making dinner for them.

This is also why I prefer obedient submissives over the bratty type that love to be 'forced' to do things. I don't want to 'force' if I don't have to, I'd rather ask (or gently command) and then reward profusely.

It has it's drawbacks - sometimes I literally spoil rotten, and need to cut back on my leniency. Sometimes I need to remind myself that subs are a bit like puppies - you can spoil them, yes, but if you give a little too far they will jump all over you and you will no longer be in charge. Fortunately, I'm very much a dog person and am quite good at training them ;)

But at the end of the day, I like being a spoiler. There's nothing I love more than the squeals of delight when a submissive is given a special treat.

This post bought to you by a princess saying she'd like a plush toy or a pony, and me deciding that I would just give her both.

Chastity

Some sad stuff has happened in my world this week (there was a death in the boy's family), so I am firmly not going to talk about those things here and instead write about something fun and amusing.

Recently, realizing a fantasy of his, the boy bought a CB6000 chastity device.

As I've said before, he's already on orgasm denial, so even if this wasn't something he desperately wanted, it was probably a logical progression anyway.

We went to Mannhaus, which is an excellent store and we always try to buy there as the service is amazing and we want to support the business. The boy chatted to the guy working there and learned quite a bit, since apparently he had also worn one for two weeks previously. We bought the cage, then came home.

Now, here's the thing.

It's very, very difficult to get a chastity device onto someone who is turned on by chastity.

Even though the boy did a lot of it himself, he needed help for some of it. Besides, I wanted to be a part of it - I was the one locking him into chastity, for goodness sakes.

So, we would do a part, then he'd have to lie down and relax and meditate for a little while to calm things down. Then there'd be a mad rush to get another part done, then more relaxing.

It took half an hour.

Never let it be said that living a BDSM lifestyle isn't hilarious as much as it is serious and sexy.

Reactions, Denial, and the Blogroll

I really need to update the links on my blogroll on this blog, I noticed a few of them don't exist anymore. This is pretty sad for me as I really enjoyed those blogs, so I'm sad to see them cease to exist.

Anyway.

Recently I've been being amused by people's reactions.

The boy has been on orgasm denial since December. He has not had an orgasm (aside from nocturnal emissions, which I do not count because I am neither ignorant of anatomy nor excruciatingly cruel) in 2010. Being that it is now the end of April, people's reactions to this can be pretty amusing.

Without fail, they will be astounded or amazed at first. Then they will either proclaim loudly about how they could never do that, never go that long without an orgasm - or they will smile, sometimes a little shyly, and say that that's kind of cool.

I never used to be interested in orgasm denial - I only got into it because it interested the boy. At first it was just extended teasing, then denial for a couple of days, then a couple of weeks, then a bit over a month. At this point, at four months, I can safely say that I've become a complete convert.

The strangest side effect of it has been that I am more secure in our relationship. I feel like I truly am dominant over him at all times, because I am controlling his sexuality at all times.

This means that - as we are polyamorous - that even if the boy has sex with someone else... he is not allowed to come without *my* permission. He also should not ask for permission. Oh he *can* ask for permission... but I'm always going to say no.

And all this... all this leaves me feeling very secure in our relationship. How can I feel jealous, how can I feel possessive, how can I feel threatened or afraid or even just a little worried, when I control the peak of his sexual pleasure? And more importantly, when he *consents* to me controlling the peak of his sexual pleasure?

Yes, I'm definitely a convert. And I keep joking about making the boy wait an entire year before his next orgasm, so it would be in December this year. But every time I say it it feels a little bit less like a joke....

Responsibility

Responsibility is a pretty big part of D/s and Leather. Whether it's being responsible for your submissive, or being responsible for fulfilling your duties to your dominant, it's a pretty important part of this type of lifestyle.

Recently I have been coming into a place of further responsibility towards my community.

Over the last couple of years, but much more intensely in the last couple of months, I've been approached by people. People asking my advice, my thoughts, my recommendations. People asking for my help. People finding comfort and safety in my company.

While a large part of me is stunned at this, being that I am but a baby of the world (I am only 24 years old), I am doing my best to not respond with self-deprecating nonsense. I am doing my best to not say "But why me? I'm crap!" or anything like that.

Instead I am doing my best to take this responsibility seriously.

If people are coming to me asking for help, it is my responsibility to take that seriously. To listen to them, to do my best for them within my abilities. To care for them as much as I am able to do without compromising myself.

If people look up to me, it is my responsibility to do my best at being a person worth the faith they put in me.

It is, of course, not my responsibility to demand an unreachable standard of myself, by any means. But I believe I can find the balance between being a person who holds up to people's ideal of me being a person of good regard - AND being able to care for myself and allow myself my human flaws.

Or at least, that is what I am aiming for.

Differences Between Boy and Slave

My boy is my boy, he is not my slave.

For a lot of people in D/s relationships, the line between D/s and M/s can be very blurry. For others, it is so far apart it's ridiculous to think of them together.

I'm a terrible black and white thinker. I can't do it. I just... don't think in black and white, at all. Black is just very dark grey, and white is just very light grey. They're there, but they're on a spectrum. This is how I see most things in life, and D/s is no exception.

This post is not meant to explain all the differences between boys and slaves. As with everything in life (ah, here is my grey thinking) it all comes down to the people involved and how it works for them.

But for us? Definitely my boy, definitely not my slave. I am his Daddy, his mentor, his guide, his partner, but not his Master.

I think one of the key distinctions for us about this is that rather than control the boy's behaviour or life, I support him and encourage him to build his own. This doesn't mean that I don't tell him what to do a lot - on the contrary, he has a bed time and set gym times, and I can order him to do something at any time of day - but it does mean that I don't utilize that to its logical conclusion. I do not desire to do this for him, and I think even if I tried, he would resent it.

I do not tell my boy who he can socialize with or even when he can socialize. He is free to make his own connections with other people and to interact with them however he likes. Sometimes I will make suggestions, for example I have told him I would like him to attend the local submissive's munch when he can, but they are suggestions, not orders.

I encourage my boy to follow his heart and do what he loves. I do not seek to control that for him. I encourage him to work as he likes, play as he likes, see who he likes, experience life as he likes.

Were I to have a slave, this would not be the case.

In a slave I would expect to have rights over their life (within reason - some people's hard limits may involve things like "no removing me from my career" for example). I would have no qualms sending them to TAFE to learn skills that would be useful for me, modifying their bodies without asking (shaving heads, for example), or installing annoying protocols in their lives that I find arousing (not being allowed to use furniture, for example).

A part of me feels odd laying this out here on my blog for people to see, because the truth is that I'm a very flexible individual. I am open to most types of relationships with most types of people. I like that no two relationships are the same. I like being able to build a relationship from the inside, rather than going in with expectations.

But after a lot of self work in the last few months (well, last few years really!) I find myself in the position of actually seeking a slave. And it means that I have very clear ideas on where a slave differs from a boy - after all, I already have a boy.

What it does seem to come down to is the level of control and authority. While I have an enormous amount of control and authority over the boy, it is not total, nor would either of us wish it to be.

I do not seek to mould the boy into any particular type of person; rather, I seek to assist him in fulfilling his potential as who he is and who he desires to be.

That, dear readers, is a very important difference.

In a slave, I want near-total control and authority. But that doesn't mean I want a doormat, which I am finding means that I am having trouble finding suitable people. I want a slave who is stubborn and ambitious - the type of person who, while they do seek to be a slave, seeks to be the best possible slave they could be.

I'm looking for the elusive slave-minded person who thinks, "I won't settle for being locked in a cage all hours of the day, only used for sexual service. I can be so much more. I can be anything, I can be amazing. I can and will be the most impressive slave anyone has seen. People will compliment my Master on how incredible I am. Master will wonder how he ever did without me."

To be fair, I do actually already know someone who thinks like this - but he is one of my best friends, so that isn't going to work ;)